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saw · Jan 29, 2006, 07:05 PM

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, living together for 2 years. We bought a house together 1 year ago. Over the past year he has been drinking more and more, now about 5 or 6 nights a week. Mostly at home, unless we go to dinner or out somewhere. I have spoken to him about this several times and expressed my concerns about his health, the quality of our relationship etc.. He says he knows he has been drinking too much and will slow down, but he hasn't. Every weekend he sleeps all day and will not do anything active. This drive me crazy because I have always been an athlete and when we began dating, he used to go to the gym regularly. Now he is a couch potato and I am miserable. He is very dedicated to his job, never goes in late or calls in sick. He is 36, I am 32. I can't spend my life like this. Can people change or do these patterns only get worse?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 29, 2006, 08:31 PM

Originally Posted by saw

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, living together for 2 years. We bought a house together 1 year ago. Over the past year he has been drinking more and more, now about 5 or 6 nights a week. Mostly at home, unless we go to dinner or out somewhere. I have spoken to him about this several times and expressed my concerns about his health, the quality of our relationship etc.. He says he knows he has been drinking too much and will slow down, but he hasn't. Every weekend he sleeps all day and will not do anything active. This drive me crazy b/c I have always been an athlete and when we began dating, he used to go to the gym regularly. Now he is a couch potato and I am miserable. He is very dedicated to his job, never goes in late or calls in sick. He is 36, I am 32. I can't spend my life like this. Can people change or do these patterns only get worse?

It will only change when he hits bottom so bad he is ready to change.
It is all up to him, he is most likely saying what he thinks you want to hear. A relationshiop with a drunk is not worth it, he will only get worst most likely. I would give him a final warning, not a general one,
Go to AA, go get help, stop drinking ( or two beer a night) what ever is a level you can live with ( just stoping is the best)
And give him a day to start the help. Be ready to back up the threat.
It may take moving out to make him ready to change. Or he may not think you are worth it.

Personal opinoin after years of working with drunks and drug people, most never change till they loose it all, some do,

giggles · Jan 29, 2006, 08:49 PM

NO! It will get worse. In my experience, people with alcohol problems cut everyone off. In fact I think they cut life off by abusing alcohol.
As long as you are there to help him along, its VERY unlikely he will really do anything about this unless he has nothing left to lose. Sure you're there to pick up the pieces for him!
He will lie, fob you off, put you last - anything to avoid facing the truth about his addiction.
Give him an ultimatum now - ask him to seek help - but be prepared to stick to it. And be prepared for him to choose his drink over you. It's that insidious an addiction. But you have to look after yourself. Otherwise you will end up being a doormat looking for emotional scraps from a drunk. Trust me. You cannot stop him drinking. Give him the ultimatum to see a doctor/go to AA, whatever. And see what he chooses himself, then you will have an honest picture of where you stand and if you should stay with him. It sounds like he is depressed. Was there a trigger for all this? The sleeping in on weekends and the drinking really resound like someone who can't be bothered facing the world so try to avoid it altogether. But don't shoulder this pain for him, or you will end up losing out.
Good luck x

Wildcat21 · Jan 29, 2006, 09:02 PM

Yeah this is some serious stuff. It's a form of depression.

I would have to say, after wha teveryone else has said, you leaving might be the best thing for his wake up.

PLUS - if he continues to drink your life will only get worst.

Seems like it would be best, while you are young... to move on.

If he loves you, he the nwill change. But, right now, it's status quo - he has no reason to stop.

fredg · Jan 30, 2006, 07:05 AM

Hi, saw,
Your boyfriend has a serious problem; alcohol. Is the house in both your names? If you have paid for part of it, then please be sure the Deed has your name on it, too... otherwise; you may never get back your money if you break up with him.
Now about your question; getting worse or better.
As another answer stated, it NEVER gets better. Only your friend can say if he is a alcoholic, even though the symptoms are there. I can't say he is a alcoholic, only he can.
If you wish to find out what is ahead of you, from others who expericence the same thing, day in and day out, please look up a phone number, in your local phone book, for Ala-Non.
Ala-Non (started by AA, Alcoholics Anonymous) is for friends, families, loved ones, who live with or know an alcoholic, or someone who has the symptoms. The meetings last an hour, are free, and you don't have to say a word, but listen to those who are experiencing the same things you are. In just one meeting, all your questions will be answered.
Please GO.
The very first thing a person drinking too much will say is "I'll quit", or "I don't have a problem". It's called Denial.
That's all I can say, except if you wish to have more information, please do some research online about Alcoholism. It never gets better, it only gets worse; until the person wants help.

saw · Jan 30, 2006, 05:11 PM

Thank you for all of your advice. I am taking steps to leave if necessary. My name is on the deed, but he financed the house, so I wouldn't lose any money.

giggles · Jan 30, 2006, 05:22 PM

be careful. You are in a very emotionally vulnerable position = obviously your feelings for him won't change but your ability to tolerate his behaviour will. This will make the situation quite hard.
find an ally, a friend you can trust to talk to at any time. And do what has been suggested, try one of those meetings.
its VERY easy to think "yeah but its getting better now, isnt it? isnt it?"
you get the picture. I know what I'm talking about, so please be careful. The first step is recognising it doesn't suit you, well done x

PrettyLady · Jan 30, 2006, 06:11 PM

Saw, it seems like your in an unhealthy relationship. If you find yourself unsatisfied or miserable, you should have a talk with your boyfriend. If he doesn't shape up and get some help for his drinking, then end the relationship. If you leave him, maybe you'll meet someone that will treat you good. You deserve to be happy, do what's best for you.

blueiman · Jan 30, 2006, 08:48 PM

Bottom line is you have to explain why you are leaving. And he should get help. But, he will not get help until he hits rock bottom. I have know people who have lost everything. He will take you down with him if you let him. This is a very serious problem. Do not take it lightly. You would be better of finding a person that enjoys stuff you do. He likes drinking you do not. So, talk to him one more time. And get out. You will be doing him a favor. Good luck.

Bluetooth · Feb 9, 2006, 08:13 AM

Seriously though, my man drinks like a fish. 6 pack a night and starting as early as 10 am on the weekend.
Everyone here has been so supportive and honest.
We had a huge argument last night and he punched a hole right through the bedroom door.
He went over to his mothers and she phoned me up criticising me for being the cause of those injuries.
The truth however was that he has been trying to stay sober and has lasted 3 days. What I experienced was his craving for alcohol. It got too much and his mood switched and then my bedroom is smashed to pieces.
He is out that door and I'm sad about it but dya know what?. I feel instant relief. He is hard work and I don't think he will ever change.
All I will say is get ready for a battle because there will be one. How you deal with it is entirely down to you but I wish you the very best of luck.
Blue

talaniman · Feb 10, 2006, 05:41 PM

Until he deals with his alcohol you do not have a relationship. He has a problem only he can solve,PROTECT YOURSELF! Any way you have too.:cool:

lickemlolly · Feb 10, 2006, 05:49 PM

Sometimes that is what it takes for someone to realize that they are messing up... as the saying goes if you truly love someone you will let them go and if they come back its forever... not always true but good words to live by... if you leave him it may be his wakeup call to say heh I need to get it together... alcohol is never good be careful because with alcohol cums physical abuse... it may not be happening now but it very well can... just be aware

saw · Feb 12, 2006, 02:08 PM

How long were you guys together? I have been looking at townhomes and am about to make an offer. It is so hard to make the decision to leave.

lilfyre · Feb 12, 2006, 02:47 PM

This post is a bit old but he is what you call a functional alcoholic, and as stated he will not get better until he gets help, he will continue to drink no matter how much you talk yell or scream at him.

nwsflash · Feb 12, 2006, 02:51 PM

If you want to stick by this guy you need to book him into the doctors and join him to a.A group, as every one has said until he can see that he has a drink problem nothing will work out... If you support this guy and stick around you are going to be on a RollerCoster ryde up and down.

Bluetooth · Feb 13, 2006, 01:36 AM

2 yrs, he has really bad issues he needs to deal with. He cannot handle the fact that I even have a past... don't we all have past's? I think he would have preferred me a nun, as the way he goes on about my past relationships... I mean, c'mon... I have never had so many interrogative questions thrown at me in my whole life! He is very much a control freak and as long as he carries on being like this I'm afraid it'll be a very lonely journey for him.