[jAbernethy86]

About 6 months ago I started dating my girlfriend Jessy. When we first started everything was great. I really liked her and her family. We were inseparable. Spending every day with each other, and eventually every night with each other. We became best friends and still are. In my past relationships I had many insecurities and I feel that they have carried over into this. AND I don't want it. I hate myself for it. Example- She's been working at this one place now for about 4 months or so. Keep in mind she's only 19 and commuting to college 3 days a week, as I am only 21. She had made some new friends from work, Chris being one in particular. They became closer and closer, and she would always tell me about him when she got home from work. He's so funny etc. Me being so insecure, I would always feel jealous and start thinking thoughts that I shouldn't have been! Though I can't say that she hasn't given me a reason not to trust her... because she has. Early on in our relationship I caught her sending pic and text messages to her ex boyfriend who lives about an hour and a half away. Nothing too big right? She jumped right out of him and right into me... I can somewhat understand. I was pissed off at first, and then got over it eventually. After that I would always find myself checking her phone when she wasn't around. Then, I also found out that she went out to dinner with Chris from work about 2 or three months ago. I was going through her phone one night with her right beside me because we were looking for some message in her inbox when I came across a couple of messages where he had asked her if she thought that it would be OK with me if they went and got dinner right after work. Well I never found out about this. She said she forgot about it... bull$hit... she was afraid to tell me because she was afraid of how I was going to react to it. I would never hit her or anything like that, just know that. So they have been getting closer and closer now, and she swears to me that she will never do anything to hurt me again. And I can honestly say that I do trust her. But my insecurities have skyrocketed lately and I don't know why. Ok the kid is 20 years old... a year younger then myself. His dad just died about a month and a half ago from prolonged complications due to a car accident on a snowy night. I FEEL BAD FOR THIS GUY, I really do. I've never met him but had opportunities to. Jessy and I have invited him numerous times to come places, hang out and what not. Is he avoiding meeting me? Sometimes I think that he doesn't want to meet me. For what reason is this? Is she messing around with him? I think this sometimes. But from what I've seen, he's definitely not her type. He probably has to move fat out of the way to find his privates!

Ok so last night she went to his house to hang out. Once they figured out it was too late too late to do anything, they decided to watch a movie. I reacted very well when she asked me if it was all right if she went there. I told her to go and have fun and call me when she got home. 2 to 3 hours go by... she hasn't called. I'm thinking about it in the shower and when I get out, it's like something just snapped in my head. I called her and asked her where she was and she told me she got McDonalds and now she was heading home. I completely flipped out on her. I said that I have to put my foot down somewhere and that I didn't want her going to his house late at night anymore. Even though she said that Chris' mom watched the movie with them. Which I do believe that. Doesn't it look kind of bad? Her going to another guys house who's single and not gay! What SHould I do? Am I just really insecure? I have trouble believing her sometimes but deep down I really do trust her. I completely forget that I'm the one she loves, I'm the one she's coming home to and going to be with at the end of the day. I forget that she told me that she would never to anything to hurt me. WHY AM I SO INSECURE ABOUT EVERYTHING? PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE!

[kp2171]

Until the truth is known, we can't say she's guilty... but she is asking a lot of you.

My wife is friends with her ex boyfriend from school and her ex fiancée... and was friends with them when I started dating her. And I'm a jealous guy... only time let me understand what the situation was.

In your case... man... I think you are reasonable... she might not be sneaking around at all... but it's a lot to ask of you.

I have always said women can be friends with men and not be sexual... my wife has several great male friends, and I've had some great women friends...

So... you're in a lose-lose situation... if you push the issue and there's nothing going on, you are the jerk boyfriend with low self esteem... and if you push the issue and you are right, you are, well, right.

I don't have a clean answer for you... guess I'm mostly just saying I understand your situation...

[jeffatl]

Persnoally, I don't think having ANY type of intimate setting with an EX is OK. I think if they want to "hang out" and talk or whatever, they need to do that in an open public setting. If it is late, they can go grab a cup of coffee somewhere.

To me, watching a movie at his house is a date. I understand his situation, and feel for him as well but I don't think that is cool at all. I think you have every right to be upset you have been undrestanding, very open, and patient, just be careful as well.

You are not being insecure, you are being rational in my eyes. Nobody likes their current hanging out with their ex. Best of luck to you

[confused25]

I agree with kp2171, I totally understand your situation. In fact, I don't necessarily think you are being insecure, but more then anything you are trying to protect the relationship from anyone who tries to disrespect it. I'm no expert when it comes to relationships, but I'd like to offer some advice.

First of all, don't ever get into a yelling fight with your girlfriend. Once you snap at her you end up losing some respect and at the same time you give her a reason to call you a "jealous and controlling boyfriend." On top of that, you need to stop browsing through her phone when she is not around. You are breaking trust when you do that, which is one of the most, if not the most, important things in a relationship.

Your next step from here is to communicate. Cliché as it may be, communication is key. Let her know that you do not feel comfortable when she spends so much time with this guy. Tell her that you have a bad feeling about him because every time you try to make arrangements to meet with him he always has an excuse. As a result, you feel that his intentions are more then friendly. Communicate to her that because of these feelings you would feel more comfortable if she stopped hanging out so much with this guy after work.

It's hard to predict how she will respond. However, if she tells you that you are just being insecure then ask her to see things from a different perspective. Without making this sound like a threat, ask her "Well put yourself in my place. How would you feel if I was spending so much time with a female co-worker. Wouldn't you be worried if I went to dinner with her, stayed late into the night watching a movie with her, and on top of that she refused to meet you in person?"

Remember, people are not mind readers. In a relationship communication about one another's feelings is essential. If she really values the relationship she will understand your feelings and cut down the contact with this guy.

[talaniman]

You may have been right in your feelings, but very wrong in the way you expressed them. You sound like a jealous, immature jerk, and for sure she ain't happy with you right now, if she has any self respect.

[jAbernethy86]

To kp2171: I honestly think that she hasn't done anything sexually at all. She's that kind of person. She's no longer friends with her ex now. All that crap stopped when I found out what she was doing. Chris is someone totally different(guy from work). Yea I think I'm very reasonable too! She threatened to end our relationship if I didn't change my ways. At first she offered to not go out anymore and just stay home all the time. This would make her miserable though. What needs to be done is me get rid of my insecurities and change for the better instead of her changing for the worse and being miserable. What I don't understand is how all of the sudden this just came up out of the blue. She said it's because she thought that we were at the point in our relationship where we were comfortable with doing it. Proir to this we were basically inseparable except for the occasional her going out with a couple of her girlfriends. I just need to understand that this is who she is. I also think that she felt like I was smothering her or something by questioning her about every little detail. Again I am insecure!

To jeffatl: She no longer has contact with her ex. Chris is someone totally different. I also felt like it was a date.

To confused25: Yea I feel like I'm trying to protect the relationship also. Also I haven't browsed through her phone in a while. I've been working at that trying not to do it and I haven't. No matter how much I tell her to put herself in my shoes, for some reason she just can't. She would be very pissed if I was with another girl, at her house, watching a movie with her. I just told her that and she said that were on a break right now, and if he doesn't want to meet me then she'll still hang out him.

To talaniman: I know I really messed up by flipping on her.

[talaniman]

This is your chance to examine your shortcomings, and make changes for the better. Counseling and self help books, can help you make those changes in yourself. Takes time and an honest self examination, and a commitment to yourself. We all have to learn and grow, being emotional, impulsive reaction, and get to where we use thoughtful, positive actions. She may have seen your point, if you just expressed to her your discomfort. She may have even been willing to work with you, and discuss boundaries, you both were comfortable with.