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kentkane45 · Mar 1, 2008, 04:08 PM

My 20 year old daughter has over 4 unpaid traffic violations (2 for speeding), and has not told us about it or shown up to court. Well needless to say she now has a bench warrant out for her arrest. She has bounced several checks, one of witch is her car payment. Looks like it will take about $1200 to get out of this mess. We could possible come up with the money (401k). What do you recommend

Capuchin · Mar 1, 2008, 04:21 PM

How else do we learn but through experience. Do you think she will learn if you bail her out?

What do you think is better for her in the long run?

smearcase · Mar 1, 2008, 04:34 PM

Unless you taught her to do the things that got her in trouble (and I'm quite sure you didnt) I would recommend letting her suffer the consequences of her actions. If she knows you will always bail her out, the offenses might become more serious. Giving her a loan so she doesn't lose her car might be advisable. This is a tough situation but probably not a severe sentence depending on her record. Good luck.

s_cianci · Mar 1, 2008, 04:42 PM

Yes, in all likelihood she'd do little or no jail time if she ever were arrested. I'm sure she could come up with the $1200 on her own if she wanted to be responsible.

hajt70 · Mar 1, 2008, 04:44 PM

I would get her out of this mess one more time and make sure she understands the next time she breaks the law she will go to jail.

kentkane45 · Mar 1, 2008, 05:06 PM

Here is some more information on our situation, our daughter was previously in jail for shop lifting on a different warrant. Last but, not least she is very rude and disrespectful and steels from her family and constantly lies to us and everyone she knows. Help!!

s_cianci · Mar 1, 2008, 05:09 PM

Well then since she's so remorseless I say let her take her medicine and let the chips fall where they may.

hajt70 · Mar 1, 2008, 05:26 PM

O.K I change my mind. Make sure she stays in jail longer this time.

kentkane45 · Mar 1, 2008, 05:51 PM

Me again, I appreciate everyone's feedback so much ! We love are daughter very much, and really wish that there was some way to help her and still have her learn her lesson but I do not think that is possible. If, anyone has any other suggestions or been through this your help is greatly appreciated.

froggy7 · Mar 1, 2008, 06:29 PM

Do not raid your retirement funds to bail out your daughter. She's an adult, and needs to be responsible for her own actions. Even if you get that money back, you will lose the compounding interest, which is what you want for retirement.

spilihp · Mar 3, 2008, 09:53 PM

I've been through all of this and there's no easy way out for her. If course you love your daughter, and that goes without saying, but please know that she WILL suffer the consequences of her actions whether you're involved. If you bail her out, she will NOT learn her lesson. She obviously thinks that she's above all of this because she is a repeat offender and she shows no remorse. She will just keep on doing these things and the penalties will be worse down the road. I know that you feel some responsibility here because she's your baby and you instinctively want to "protect" her. But keep in mind that all of this has NOTHING to do with you. SHE did these things, not you. SHE broke the law and YOU should not have to pay for it. If you bail her out you're going to teach her that being irresponsible pays off. And she will do it again and again. Trust me. You are not in control of what she is doing. She did not ask permission from you to steal and break the law - she did that on her own and you MUST let her deal with this as adult if you want her to become one.

I know. It sucks. You didn't bring her up that way, right? But remember this: all of that good parenting that you did is still in there and you will see it again. If you taught her to do the right thing, she will come around. Keep on loving her, let her fall, and then have the strength and courage to let her pick HERSELF back up afterwards. Remember, you are not responsible, but you are involved. Let her pay her own fine and if she can't them let her see what a few days in jail will do for her. She won't like it, believe me. After she gets out (but I really don't think they will send her to jail) she can start over again if she wants. Or she can do the same things if she wants, but THIS time she knows what's waiting for her if she does not do the right thing.

Good luck with this. Your daughter will be fine. Pray a lot and be brave. I will pray as well for her.

oneguyinohio · Mar 3, 2008, 10:06 PM

I can't imagine how giving her money to support her bad decisions would be a good thing. The next time might involve 12 thousand dollars... and on and on...

I don't know her financial picture, as far as her earnings, but she seems to need to get herself straightened out. Running from the law, and writing bad checks is not a good solution to whatever her problems might be.

If you want to help, see if she will let you in on her financial picture... as far as life style she is living... or at least suggest an accountant that can help her budget her money better if she needs that sort of help??

nicki143 · Mar 3, 2008, 11:50 PM

I would not bail her out of this one we learn from our mistakes and I think it is about time your daughter lernt from hers

flossie · Mar 8, 2008, 09:48 PM

As difficult as it is, I'd suggest you let your daughter deal with this herself. She has to learn to be responsible and if she knows mum and dad will bail her out when times get tough she'll never grow up.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 10:13 PM

Sounds like your adult daughter makes bad choices, and must pay the consequences of her actions. Give her tough love, and let her see what she has done, pray, and let her stew in her own juice, and keep your cash in your pocket. She is on her own.

ldyastrid · Mar 10, 2008, 10:12 AM

Not only do we work toward instilling in our children the sense of right and wrong, having compassion, taking the high road, etc... we also teach them there are consequences for all of their actions... good AND bad. At some point, granted, the age will vary at times, but by the time the "child" is over 18, your job as rearing them is over and it's time they fly on their own.

By bailing her out of this situation, it shows her that there are consequences for YOU... not for her. At some point in her life, you will need to stop being her safety net. Instead of you taking on the consequences of her bad decisions, she needs to be held accountable for her actions... and the sooner the better! She expects this from you and if she's anything like my son, she feels you owe her... and just have to put up with, then clean up her messes. She either has learned, or chose not to listen by this age of 20... now it's time to say "I'm disappointed in your decisions, and if you would have come to me for advice before it got to this point, perhaps you could have avoided this. So, you chose to ignore the problem, which was a bad decision. Now you have a much bigger problem that you will have to fix... You made the problem... You need to deal with the consequences. I will be here, will listen if you need to talk, but how this ends is another decision YOU have to make."

Yes... it's hard. You don't want to see your child go through harsh penalties that others will impose on her, but you need to remember...

She chose the path she's on and chose not to listen to your directions to the path that would make her a better and happier person... because she chose that path, you need to chose NOT to follow her to help her up.