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dsmarie · Jan 27, 2006, 05:38 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Every six months he ends up saying he needs time to think and needs to leave. After he has had time to think he always comes back and says the same thing "I'm afraid because I know this is going to last forever and I've never had anyone love me like you do." Well now he's off again on one of his thinking retreats to get his head straight. He says he loves me and the kids and we are what he has been looking for his entire life. But he said his head is messed up and he's scared. He hasn't decided yet if he wants to end the relationship or go on.He said he is also thinking of moving out gettting his own place and have us start all over. Well honestly we have started over everry 6 months for the last year and a half. It breaks my heart every time he does this and it breaks the children's hearts as well. He had a very unstable up bringing. He spent the majority of the time of his 20's in prison and then has on and off relationshipss with various women until he hooked up with me. Now the stability is driving him nuts. I don't know what to do? Should I just take the heart break and run (which Idont want to do) or do I go with this new plan of his by him moving out? I don't want to go backwards in this relationship but I want to be sensetive to his needs as well. Please help me find some answers

CaptainForest · Jan 27, 2006, 06:32 PM

You need to look at your needs to. Every time he leave you are heart broken. Once, perhaps you can live with, twice, getting up there. Now a third time.

This will go on and on and on until you do something.

Give him an ultimatum. If he leaves you again, you 2 are through. This is not a healthy relationship for you to be in, and it sets an awful example for your children.

I say give him the ultimatum because you seem to care for him a lot and want to be with him. Personally, I might just move on if I was in a similar situation, but if you want to give him one final chance, then OK. But make sure you follow through.

dsmarie · Jan 27, 2006, 06:38 PM

His new plan is to get his own place and live apart and date. Monogomously. He said that will give us both time to figure out if we truly want to spend the rest of our lives together. He said he won't move in until he proposes and at that time if I say no then we will move on. Am I being played here? Do people really move out and start over after a year and a half? Will this really work?

CaptainForest · Jan 27, 2006, 06:44 PM

Odds are he is playing you.

His moving out will allow him the freedom to see other women without your knowledge. This is not something you should agree to.

It sounds like he is afraid to commit. And you should consider moving on since it doesn't sound like he is going to be ready to commit for sometime.

dsmarie · Jan 27, 2006, 06:53 PM

He said we'd date each other exclusively. No sleepovers with others for each of us, no dating others for each of us. Those were his rules.do you still think it's a sham? I'm grasping at straws here

giggles · Jan 27, 2006, 06:59 PM

I agree with captainforest on this one. It sounds like he's leading you a right merry dance. And of course, as long as you let him run off to clear his head every now and again, he feels free to do it whenever he wants. The ball is completely in his court and he has you jumping through hoops for him! You care for and love this man and provide him with a home, it gets too much, le leaves (but knows he has somewhere to come back to!), you start the guessing game of when/if he will be back, suffer on and raise your family, he shows up, its all roses for a while, and bingo! Same cycle repeats itself.
Who's losing out?
You! And if you're losing out, your family must also be losing out, because you're not feeling happy. It sounds to me like he's dangling you from a thread, and that's not fair. You should not tolerate this behaviour!
But why do you? Give him the ultimatum. Play poker with him - after all, he's gambling on your always being there when all else fails (sorry if sounded harsh I hope you know what I meant). So play your hand - give him the ultimatum, BUT STICK TO IT. If he doesn't measure up, might it be because in the long run you might want to set your sights higher for someone you can rely on and develop security with, and not wonder when they're going to bolt for the stable door?
Stand up for yourself. You deserve commitment, not erratic behaviour.

giggles · Jan 27, 2006, 07:06 PM

One more thing:
It's not your fault he had such an unstable upbringing. It shouldn't have to affect you or your children at this stage of his life. He is an adult now, and capable of dealing with those residual issues himself.
I just think if you justify his behaviour with reasons like that, it takes away his own responsibility to sort those problems out. That way, no one would ever change or improve their attitudes if they could always latch onto the past as a "reason" for having issues with committment/love/trust etc. I don't think you should accept that either!:)

Fr_Chuck · Jan 27, 2006, 07:09 PM

Originally Posted by dsmarie

He said we'd date each other exclusively. No sleepovers with others for each of us, no dating others for each of us. those were his rules.do you still think its a sham? im grasping at straws here

Does the term "sucker" ring a bell, you know better if you just think about it. You are thinking with what your heart wants.

No real couples do not break up every few months and last for long.

He is not really wanting any commitment, when it gets too close he backs away to cool it off and starts again. He will continue to do this for 10 yeeas if you let him.

And of course he is seeing and sleeping with anything wearing a skirt when he is "off" on his own. I have seen this 100's of times.

You need to start telling him what you need, first you both need to commit if you want to be a couple, next you should go see a professional counselor to work though problems.

Good luck, but stop believing him and use your brain and your heart

CaptainForest · Jan 27, 2006, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by dsmarie

He said we'd date each other exclusively. No sleepovers with others for each of us, no dating others for each of us. those were his rules.do you still think its a sham? im grasping at straws here

Yes, I do think it is a sham.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2006, 08:16 PM

Not only is it a sham but one that controls you and not him .Get rid of this loser ,no ultimatums just boot to butt and good riddance ,Then go get a real man, don'tyou think you and your kids deserve better:cool:

letmeno · Jan 27, 2006, 09:15 PM

Originally Posted by CaptainForest

Odds are he is playing you.

His moving out will allow him the freedom to see other women without your knowledge. This is not something you should agree to.

It sounds like he is afraid to commit. And you should consider moving on since it doesn’t sound like he is going to be ready to commit for sometime.

I couldn't havbe said it better myself. If he can have the footloose and fantsy free life of a single man and be able to run back to the comforts and security of family, then he will do that and exactly that all the way up until you put your foot down once and for all. My husband did that when we dated. He decided to wait until I was 6 months pregnant to start second guessing rather or not he wanted the relationship. I regret that for a month or two, I made the same mistake that you are currently making. That is allowing him to run home when he gets tired of running the streets. When I had had enough of his BS, I put my foot down and in his rear. "Look, I don't know if you have noticed this but we are in a real life situation here. If you don't want to do this, leave now and don't come back." I MEANT Every WORD OF IT!! Of course he is going to test the waters, and see if you really mean what you say. Sweet talk you, and everything. BE STRONG. You know what it is that you want and don't accept a darn thing less. REMOVE ALL CONVIENCES OF HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU FROM HIS LIFE. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK UNTIL HE MAKES UP HIS MIND, AND STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM IMMATURE BEHAVIOR, HE NEEDS TO BE A MAN AND GROW UP! Do you have the option of running out on your children when you feel like becoming a parent was a mistake? I didn't think so, so what makes him so special?

friendlyfiona · Jan 28, 2006, 03:53 AM

He's just not that into you... think about your kids and the instability your guy is bringing you and THEM... put them first and get them away from what sounds like a potential disaster... he can't have the best of both worlds - your selling yourself short by allowing him to have you when its convenient for him then running off to get his act together every 6 months... r u willing to risk being treated like some yoyo for the next 10 years - having to go through this every 6 months? Your stronger than that... and you deserve every bit of happines life has to offer... doesnt sound like this dude realises what he's got... but that's probably because he's got a good thing going at the moment running bak and forth and all that... dont make excuses for him - if he chooses not to be with you for certain periods? RED FLAG! You only get what you settle for... life is too short as it is 2 just be happy with being unhappy so remember you have the power to change things.
I sincerely hope you find the kind of love and happines you truly deserve... for not only you personally but your kids as well.
Good luck! :)

dsmarie · Jan 28, 2006, 09:03 AM

Thank you all for your imput. I needed to hear it from someone who doesn't know me and you all have been overwhelmingly helpful.today is a new day time to pack his ****

blueiman · Jan 28, 2006, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by dsmarie

I don't know what to do? Should I just take the heart break and run (which Idont want to do) or do i go with this new plan of his by him moving out? I don't want to go backwards in this relationship but i want to be sensetive to his needs as well. Please help me find some answers

Sometimes you have to take a step back. It's not always bad to do. You need to focus on what you want in the relationship. If you're not getting what you want then move on. He is making decisions and you're not. So, start making decisions now!
Sensitive to his needs. Yeah right. Is he thinking of your needs... no. is he playing you... YES. Does he go out with other women... YES. He has a black book. Try not to think about it. You have the power. So use it! Just move on. This is not your fault. He is an idiot for making the wrong choice. But, you can make the right choice, OK. There you go now you got the answers you need. Now take the advise and get yourself a bad boy... good luck.