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cinders831 · Feb 28, 2008, 06:43 PM

Ok, here goes. Met a guy online about 3 years ago. He was with someone at the time and we became very close. I told him after about 5 months I was developing feelings for him.
Anyway he left the gal and moved with another. He stayed with me as well. We are 5,000 miles away. He spent many many hours with me online including spending the nights with me on skype. Ok Just Saturday he got on a plane to come see me for 4 days. He was wonderful, sweet, kind until the last night. He is hard to talk to about anything serious. He is off and on with this other gal and says SHE is mental. So, he has told me though since he met her , he and I are JUST FRIENDS and no more. Yet he has bought me a new computer, sent me clothing that he wore (T-shirts), sent me jewelry, talk to me on cam, spent hours and hours (her full workday) online with me. Comes 5,000 miles to see me, takes me out won't let me pay for a thing, sleeps and same bed, cuddles etc ;) and then I asked on the night before he left "so will i ever see you again?" innocent I thought, but no he went off, "We are ONLY friends, I love so and so, I am not attracted to you (now he looks at my pic every day , seen me on cam etc.) but said that wasn't physical, it was that we didn't click, but we did click and he knows this, he can't go a day without phoning me on skype, then says well it's because I have a temper, I do not, but he was giving me one... does anyone know anyone like this? I don't think he is perpously playing with my emotions, I'm not even sure if this post is for dating or mental health.. all I know is this guy has treated me better over the internet and and person than anyone I have ever met in my life.. anyone know what might be up with him??

Thanks! Sorry so lengthy

pasiria · Feb 28, 2008, 07:06 PM

Why would someone be off an on with someone he thinks is mental. First, of all if you are with someone, either off or on, you don't offend them. I think that he might be driving her insane. Be careful, he might drive you to complete confusion. It seems he started confusing you already. If he says you didn't click, don't think you did. Respect yourself. I would advise you to stop communicating with him. Your case sounds complicated. Best of luck.

life1973happened · Feb 28, 2008, 07:38 PM

Good evening cinders831~
Wow, this is an interesting little web we have woven here. I can sugar coat this for you if you'd like but I don't think you really want that, right?

This is the unfortunate reality of this relationship... its destructive, a bit unhealthy and honestly, makes me sad for you. Though I have never had one, I think relationships started online can work. However, the key word is 'started' You state that it started 3 years ago, yet you just met. Why didn't he come sooner? It can't be money as it sounds like he spoils you with gifts. That question is rhetorical hon, as you are the only one who needs to be able to answer it.

You have many things working against you in this relationship. Distance, he is dating (in love with) another, he continues to tell you he just wants to be friends. Cinders831, I think he is in a different place than you are in regards to his feelings. Just because he enjoys talking to you does not mean he wants it to be more. But you know what? It's a compliment to you, and your friendship, that has him needing and wanting to talk to you everyday. I know when your heart screams for more, its so very painful when another does not reciprocate those intense feelings.

Being in a long distance relationship isn't easy. It requires very strong trust, commitment, guidelines, and communication. Studies show that a majority of people involved in long distance relationships eventually break up.

You guys have to be careful because if you want to have a healthy relationship you have to eliminate any or all games. You have to keep these crucial points in mind and it has to be both of you working towards the same goal to have any chance of having a complete, fulfilling, healthy relationship, okay?

Remember...

~ Trust

~ Communication (healthy, productive, honest and open)

~ Commitment (two way street)

~ Love

~ Faith

~ No, games!

You are have the odds stacked against you so you need all of these things running on all 4 cylinders to work. Please trust that. Relationships are hard work aren't they? If you want it to work you need to be on the same page together, okay?

Good luck...

Fr_Chuck · Feb 28, 2008, 07:45 PM

Let me see, you knew he was with someone, he left them, just to move in with another someone. So he has someone in his life and his bed,
So he sounds like he has money and maybe felt like some outside bed, hard to say, perhaps you were not the person "in person" he had expected. The online mystery was better. Perhaps he was expecting more than snuggle in bed.

cinders831 · Feb 28, 2008, 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by life1973happened

Good evening cinders831~
Wow, this is an interesting little web we have woven here. I can sugar coat this for you if you'd like but I don't think you really want that, right?!

This is the unfortunate reality of this relationship .... its destructive, a bit unhealthy and honestly, makes me sad for you. Though I have never had one, I think relationships started online can work. However, the key word is 'started' You state that it started 3 years ago, yet you just met. Why didn't he come sooner? It can't be money as it sounds like he spoils you with gifts. That question is rhetorical hon, as you are the only one who needs to be able to answer it.

You have many things working against you in this relationship. Distance, he is dating (in love with) another, he continues to tell you he just wants to be friends. Cinders831, I think he is in a different place than you are in regards to his feelings. Just because he enjoys talking to you does not mean he wants it to be more. But you know what? It's a compliment to you, and your friendship, that has him needing and wanting to talk to you everyday. I know when your heart screams for more, its so very painful when another does not reciprocate those intense feelings.

Being in a long distance relationship isn't easy. It requires very strong trust, commitment, guidelines, and communication. Studies show that a majority of people involved in long distance relationships eventually break up.

You guys have to be careful because if you want to have a healthy relationship you have to eliminate any or all games. You have to keep these crucial points in mind and it has to be both of you working towards the same goal to have any chance of having a complete, fulfilling, healthy relationship, okay?

Remember...

~ Trust

~ Communication (healthy, productive, honest and open)

~ Commitment (two way street)

~ Love

~ Faith

~ No, games!

You are have the odds stacked against you so you need all of these things running on all 4 cylinders to work. Please trust that. Relationships are hard work aren't they? If you want it to work you need to be on the same page together, okay?

Good luck...

Hi, thanks for your answer :) I would agree that he only wanted friendship if he didn't come 5,000 to see me, will leave the sex at the door because that is all it is, and say also that this did not start "we are only friends" until he left one gal to be with another, who just happened to be his best friends wife. Before that told me I was the type of gal he could go for, in fact.. I told him when I started getting feelings for him , as we are older and hopefully wiser, and told him it was OK to opt out as hurt was not something I was looking for. Now instead of saying well I would like to be your friend, or bye bye he says " you are the kind of girl that I could go for, and I want you in my life, we could eventually make it work"... at that time I thought there might be a chance for us , we were very close online. But he was out for him and really disreguarded my feelings at that point , I just did not see it.

His excuse for waiting so long is that he would say he was afraid , said he had to work which he did and , though I didn't know this at that time, was busy with his neighbors wife. Once he moved into her new home, they would fight and he would be sleeping in his camper van every other week. He , like I said before , states she is mental and wants to help her. I agree with the gal above, this is very complicated.. but why did he come to me, hold me, sleep with me, sleep with me at night online , never want me away from his side when he was alone.. my brains are like scrambled eggs right now because his mouth says one thing and his actions show another.. these are things "just friends" do not do on a regular basis.

cinders831 · Feb 28, 2008, 07:50 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Let me see, you knew he was with someone, he left them, just to move in with another someone. So he has someone in his life and his bed,
So he sounds like he has money and maybe felt like some outside bed, hard to say, perhaps you were not the person "in person" he had expected. The online mystery was better. Perhaps he was expecting more than snuggle in bed.

LOL he got more than a snuggle but he is a doll don't think he would need to travel 5,000 miles for that? and I really am the person I am online, not only has he seen me physically, but emotionally and mentally. I was no different in any way in person.. unless he thought I would be, I was as expected, and so was he ;)

cinders831 · Feb 28, 2008, 07:54 PM

Btw.. you guys are great! I am not looking for someone to say "Oh he may love you" Or anything I might want to happen, just trying to figure out where the man is really coming from. Is he playing with my head and heart?

N0help4u · Feb 28, 2008, 07:58 PM

He sounds like he is afraid or not interested in committing to anybody.
He sounds like he has a problem really understanding how to relate to a girl
Sounds like possibly the other girl was having similar problems and so left him.

cinders831 · Feb 29, 2008, 03:15 AM

I know this is really complicated.. but what I am trying to find out is.. Do "just friends"
1. argue like they are married
2. spend nights, including sleep on the computer
3. send big gifts every time something is needed, without having a thought and never asked to do so
4. fly 5000 miles on a whim , make love, laugh, not let you spend a cent (this guy is not rich by the way, he is just.. well careless w/money)
5. Keep you online with them no matter what they are doing
6. bring you in the house on a cam so that you can be there with them
7. bring them to work with you on a laptop so you can be with them.

Spose that is enough for now.. I am not imagining any of this , it is truly messing with my head. I would be his "Just Friend" gladly but cannot be with him every moment if we are just that because he knows my feelings.

pasiria · Feb 29, 2008, 05:45 PM

I've done all of the above with friends, except make love. He wants you, that's clear. He spends on you-it means he cares; however, it doesn't mean he wants to get serious. He is having fun as long as you allow it. If you are comfortable with the situation, accept it, if you are not, let it go before you end up very hurt and much more confused than now. Tell him that you can not be with him and do not let him stop you from exercising your right of dating. You can date other guys and see what's best for you.

cinders831 · Feb 29, 2008, 05:55 PM

Originally Posted by pasiria

I've done all of the above with friends, except make love. He wants you, that's clear. He spends on you-it means he cares; however, it doesn't mean he wants to get serious. He is having fun as long as you allow it. If you are comfortable with the situation, accept it, if you are not, let it go before you end up very hurt and much more confused than now. Tell him that you can not be with him and do not let him stop you from exercising your right of dating. You can date other guys and see what's best for you.

Well, except for the traveling this all was on a daily basis.. have done with friends as well, but not every moment.

However I do have to wait until he grows up, I mean he is only 49:D.. in the meantime if someone wonderful comes along, I just might let them in. They do have to have a similar sense of humor to this fella, but not the kind where the jokes on me!

life1973happened · Mar 2, 2008, 10:33 AM

I don't think the joke was ever on you. I don't think men or women intend to hurt another, certainly not one that you speak to everyday for years. Try to look at it different. Take the good, the bad and the very unpleasant and learn from it.

Now you are better prepared for the next relationship you get into. Take time to appreciate the pain you went through, rest the heart and the head for a bit. When you are strong again things will fall into place, as they were meant to.

cinders831 · Nov 26, 2008, 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by life1973happened

I don't think the joke was ever on you. I don't think men or women intend to hurt another, certainly not one that you speak to everyday for years. Try to look at it different. Take the good, the bad and the very unpleasant and learn from it.

Now you are better prepared for the next relationship you get into. Take time to appreciate the pain you went through, rest the heart and the head for a bit. When you are strong again things will fall into place, as they were meant to.

Well some time has gone by and it he has gone back to his best friends wife.. I think that he cared but either not enough or too much as both women that I knew of, owned the homes he moved into, he doesn't work that much and they have both given him a lot of money.. so , I do not have my own home I do not have a lot of money... therefore I do not have him. Do I want that, NO.. Have had one marry another woman for money while we were still dating, don't need that again.. thanks for all your words everyone!