[Mom of 2]

Yeah, I know. All that you are all saying is true. If I chase him, he will feel more pressure and may in fact run the other way. So, I will continue to focus on myself, my kids and stay busy with the things that keep me busy. He said that he will call me later, so he is going to have to do that, not me.

If he was truthful in what he said about wanting to still keep in touch, doing things together in the future, etc. he will have to do it.

By the way, I was asked out by a previous restaurant manager that I had. I'm not attracted to him, so I told him thank you for the offer, but I am not going to run from one relationship into anything else at the moment. He texted me last night saying that if I need anything to give him a call. Everyone that I talk to thinks that I should just jump right back into the dating scene and look for other options/opportunities. Don't want to do that because that is saying that I need someone else to make me feel better. I'm not going down that road. Yeah, the offer stroked my ego, but that is all that it did. Right now, I am not liking men so much.

[Mom of 2]

Okay, I know that no one knows the answer to this, but this is what keeps popping in my mind. I asked him if he wanted to totally end things, but he said that he did not, that he wanted to still be able to do things with me. WHAT does that mean? Why couldn't he just let me go totally? I know that I would have been hurt, but at least I would not be holding onto hope that may not be there. That is the thing that is forever on my mind. Do you think that there is hope? If he doesn't want anything further, why can't he say that?

[Justwantfair]

Maybe he did not let you go because he wasn't sure he was ready or wanted to let you go, by keeping you hanging on then he can make up his mind later. It was a selfish answer but it may have been rooted in the honesty of not knowing what he wanted.

You are going to drive yourself nuts analyzing for answers. At this point from his actions, his lack of respect for your feelings and his neglect I would make the right choice for you and that is to start letting go. You can't let go when you are trying to get answers.

[gobe]

I don't know, you have to think there are to many different personality out there.
It can be that he meant what he said but it can be that he is a person whom says things just to make easy for himself.

I know someone she had lots of boyfriend and she put them out all the same, friendly way"
she talked to them nice but never have time, she don't answer the phone, she is not reachable. than after a while they realize that she don't what to have contact at all with them..
Of course in my mind that is a very un respectful way I think it would be much more respectful if she would be honest ...but we are different.

If you think give him one more week but don't call him if he not calling you than don't even give him a chance to explain. You worth more than being put to hold.

Good luck, and don't forget next time your kids are firs, if you want they respect you when they older don't introduce anybody until you have a serious relationship. You don't want to teach them that is ok to have lots of different relationship you what to teach them that try to find the ,, ONE" and stick with him/her. (auf curse adult life is not that simple but they will learn that lather) When they young they get mix much messaging if the will see you with lots of boyfriend they won't understand the different between the adult word and the teen years and than they will have sex with lots of people because mommy dose the same…kids thinks funny..

[talaniman]

If he doesn't want anything further, why can't he say that?

He is busy as you are and giving him the space to make up his mind with out your influence is the way to go. Give yourself some space as the emotional dust is still settling. You may have a clear understanding of your feelings , but he may not.

At least your starting to see him for what he is, just a guy to do things with, but your not on the same page, so take heed to that, and not invest any more into this than he does.

Way too soon to just quit and date others, no matter what you are feeling at this time. Be patient with yourself.

[Mom of 2]

Tal, it sounds as though you think that there is a chance that he may come around, as you said that it is too soon to quit. I was starting to think that everyone was saying that he was already gone from the relationship, pick myself up and totally move on. I feel that I am heading in that direction, as I have heard from others that although he may have feelings for me, they don't think that he is able to give me the love that I need, that it is a lot more than just me and that it lies within his abilities to love anyone and that it really does not have anything to do with what I did/did not do, said/did not say.

Don't get me wrong, there is an inner hope that he will see that what we had was special and that eventually we will be together. But he has to do that, not me. I am willing to take it slower, but I just don't want to be avoided, lied to or misled because he does not want to hurt my feelings. NOTE TO ALL: It is better to set clear boundaries in the beginning so that the lines are clearly marked and there is little if any confusion as to what is meant. DON'T string people along with false hopes that MAYBE things can work out later. Let us know that hey, "I need to have some time by myself to think this out". Don't say that you will call and then don't. Don't say that maybe we will get together on such and such a date and don't. In the end, that is a lot meaner than just saying "Hey, I don't think this is working out. We have to call it quits."

[Justwantfair]

I feel so sorry for you in your situation, Mom. I feel that need to look for any hope to continue holding on, but someone who would blow you off in this manner, do you really want that type of person to reconcile with? Even if he should decide now to come around or call? This is such a painful process and it doesn't sound like you are getting any closer from the other person. I just hope that you realize that he is hurting you, you deserve better than this and you have been nothing but completely honest and sincere and he can't even follow through on a phone call? Have you heard from him yet?

[talaniman]

Being far to you both, I think that if a glitch can't be resolved then you back up and let the emotional dust settle, and then look at things with fresh eyes.

Impulsive actions have rarely worked well with me and I know how we get carried away by our own thoughts and feelings, with out the right input from our partners. Thats what I suggest here is back up, and give enough space for you both to think!! If after YOU deem enough time has past, then ask your questions, or take your actions.

Any relationship that's healthy, is about the actions you both take. Just me, for whatever reasons he may have, you deserve better treatment, and respect.

[Mom of 2]

I spoke with him on Sunday. He said that he was traveling to a seminar the first part of this week. Yes, I was the one who called him - Call me stupid, hate me or whatever. I did not bring up anything besides just saying hi and general conversation. He asked me how I was doing, what I had planned for the week, etc. Nothing more was said about our conversation from last Tuesday, although I really wanted to ask a lot of questions. I just let it go and told him to have a great rest of the weekend and he said the same to me.

I know that what I am about to say, a lot of people will see as an inability to move on and that I am looking for and hanging onto anything that may not really mean a thing. But, this is my life and everyone else is on the outside. In my gut, I think that we have a good chance to get back together. If we do, I would have course set up more detailed boundaries - that is all that I am asking for now. When I called, I thought that it might go to vm, which has happened at times when I have been with him when he did not want to talk to a certain person. He would press the button to let it go there. At other times if he answered the phone, he would do so with "Hey, what's going on" in a low key tone. When I called, he did not do this. Instead, he answered it with an excited "Hello!!" I know that he when he does not know what to say, he will avoid it. I feel that is what happened on Tuesday when he said, "I don't know how to start this." That is when I took the lead and told him that I was not searching for a serious commitment at this time, other than spending time together, etc. You all know the story so I am not going to retell it. Been there, done that.

Yes, I am hurting because this is the first time that he has ever not done something that he said he was going to do. That is what is making this soooo confusing. Who knows why he is doing this. However, I am not one to burn bridges and if you or anyone else has not realized up until this point, I am a very understanding person who gives the benefit of the doubt (maybe too much), as I would want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt if I were acting somewhat out of my character.

In my mind at this point, I would rather have him in my life as a friend rather than not to have him in my life at all. I am not a glutton for punishment and I really know my limits. You may wonder why? I want to at least have him as a friend mostly because of my friendship with my girlfriend. I am not willing to give up my friendship with her because of him. I want to be friends, to tie up the loose ends so that there is never going to be a time where there is an uneasiness if we find ourselves within proximity of each other. I also don't want any of this to effect her relationship with her boyfriend, etc.

Part of me actually feels sorry for him that he may have difficulty expressing deep feelings for others. As someone once told me, that is usually a sign that they feel they have inadequacies within themselves, that they are hurting and have not truly moved on. Those are his problems and not mine to solve. But, like I said, I am not one to go off the deep end, issue ultimatums, scream in anger about why I feel misled, etc. If it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. I don't have control over that. Maybe that is why I have a lot of close friendships because people know that they can depend on me to be there. Maybe that is what he is thinking that no matter what he does, I will be there. I don't want to be a doormat, but at the very least I can be there to at least listen to him. Life will go on one way or another. I just want everyone to know that if he continues to treat me this way for the long haul and it does not progress any further, I will realize that there is no chance for a romantic relationship, but that does not mean that I cannot be friends with him. We are adults and have abilities to remain cordial with others, even if they have wronged us in some way in the past.

[Justwantfair]

I think that you read what I was trying to say very defensively and I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or tell you that you have to write him off.

You can only make choices for you, but I have been there and I know that your perception of the things that are going on is a perception of someone in love with this man. That is not a fault. You are understanding, as I am as well, but in being understanding I know that I don't always fight for what I deserve and I put up with behaviors that I shouldn't have to because I love someone.

I am sorry that you believe that what I am telling you is to be misunderstanding or harsh. I have just been there as well and thought you could help or that you were looking for some perspective on the situation.

[Mom of 2]

I'm sorry. I did not mean to be defensive. That is one of the reasons that working problems out through email never works!!

No, I thought that I was actually agreeing with you on a lot of points in that I KNOW that I deserve a better kind of love. If I came off as being defensive, it was not necessarily targeted to you, but just at the situation as a whole. So many people have given me their thoughts on the subject - on this forum, my friends, family, co-workers - and that is what I was referring to when I said that everyone else is on the outside and may not really have a greater understanding. I know that everyone (this forum included) wants the best for me and for me to stop hurting. For that, I will ALWAYS be appreciative.

So, thank you for your thoughts and advice. Believe me, I am taking it all into consideration. I just wanted EVERYONE to know that ultimately it is my decision and that I am trying hard not to be a doormat. I think that it is a little bit too soon to rush to any quick actions or decisions.

Again, thank you for your post. Sorry if I came across as bashing what you said, because that was not my intent. Again, I agreed with a lot of what you said, especially the point that I deserve to be treated with respect and not with avoidance. I hope I did not ruin your day.

[Justwantfair]

<--- Day not ruined. I have been there before, I know the emotions you are going through.

You are right it is only a choice that you can make. I know that the outside perception is a lot more objective than my own when I am in the situation and I surely don't listen to the more reasonable objectives myself :) Love does funny things to our ability to be tolerant of more and want to be understanding. You have been making the right choices, even with the no contact that is the WORST thing to try and follow, even though we ALL talk about it so often.

[Mom of 2]

And yes, I am trying to look for perspective and to get everyone's thoughts - especially if they have been in a similar situation. I also realize that all situations are different. What may have worked for someone else may not work in other situations. People are people and act differently in different situations, act different in similar situations, etc. Believe me, I wish there were a script out there. At least I would know what the next step would be and how it would turn out.

No, I am not going to write him off. However, I know that I need to be treated with respect. If I were to say this to him at this point, I would only be pushing him away. If this relationship should continue, then I can have that discussion at a later date. Right now, I just have to take a step back and focus on other things.

Now, I just need to get off this computer so that I can get things done around here!!

Hope everyone has a good day. That is my goal (as well as a few loads of laundry).

[jrebel7]

I spoke with him on Sunday. He said that he was traveling to a seminar the first part of this week. Yes, I was the one who called him - Call me stupid, hate me or whatever. I did not bring up anything besides just saying hi and general conversation. He asked me how I was doing, what I had planned for the week, etc. Nothing more was said about our conversation from last Tuesday, although I really wanted to ask a lot of questions. I just let it go and told him to have a great rest of the weekend and he said the same to me.

I know that what I am about to say, a lot of people will see as an inability to move on and that I am looking for and hanging onto anything that may not really mean a thing. But, this is my life and everyone else is on the outside. In my gut, I think that we have a good chance to get back together. If we do, I would of course set up more detailed boundaries - that is all that I am asking for now. When I called, I thought that it might go to vm, which has happened at times when I have been with him when he did not want to talk to a certain person. He would press the button to let it go there. At other times if he answered the phone, he would do so with "Hey, what's going on" in a low key tone. When I called, he did not do this. Instead, he answered it with an excited "Hello!!" I know that he when he does not know what to say, he will avoid it. I feel that is what happened on Tuesday when he said, "I don't know how to start this." That is when I took the lead and told him that I was not searching for a serious commitment at this time, other than spending time together, etc. You all know the story so I am not going to retell it. Been there, done that.

Yes, I am hurting because this is the first time that he has ever not done something that he said he was going to do. That is what is making this soooo confusing. Who knows why he is doing this. However, I am not one to burn bridges and if you or anyone else has not realized up until this point, I am a very understanding person who gives the benefit of the doubt (maybe too much), as I would want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt if I were acting somewhat out of my character.

In my mind at this point, I would rather have him in my life as a friend rather than not to have him in my life at all. I am not a glutton for punishment and I really know my limits. You may wonder why? I want to at least have him as a friend mostly because of my friendship with my girlfriend. I am not willing to give up my friendship with her because of him. I want to be friends, to tie up the loose ends so that there is never going to be a time where there is an uneasiness if we find ourselves within proximity of eachother. I also don't want any of this to effect her relationship with her boyfriend, etc.

Part of me actually feels sorry for him that he may have difficulty expressing deep feelings for others. As someone once told me, that is usually a sign that they feel they have inadequacies within themselves, that they are hurting and have not truely moved on. Those are his problems and not mine to solve. But, like I said, I am not one to go off the deep end, issue ultimatums, scream in anger about why I feel misled, etc. If it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. I don't have control over that. Maybe that is why I have a lot of close friendships because people know that they can depend on me to be there. Maybe that is what he is thinking that no matter what he does, I will be there. I don't want to be a doormat, but at the very least I can be there to at least listen to him. Life will go on one way or another. I just want everyone to know that if he continues to treat me this way for the long haul and it does not progress any further, I will realize that there is no chance for a romantic relationship, but that does not mean that I cannot be friends with him. We are adults and have abilities to remain cordial with others, even if they have wronged us in some way in the past.

Mom of 2, you have a heart of gold, that has been plain to see from the beginning. We all have to deal with issues at hand in a way that we can have peace in our own hearts. If you choose to give this more time, I don't think anyone is or would fault you for that. I think all of us here on the forum just hurt for you and are trying to share some insights from our own experiences that might help. As with any advise, you glean from it what works for you and toss the rest. I feel a lot of love for you on this thread and understanding as well. I understand not wanting awkward moments if you run into him since your friend is around him at times. But I think that will come when your resolve comes, whether you get back with him or not, I think you can let this be known to him that you want to always be friends, thus avoiding the times that might have been awkward had you had a temper fit and ended this badly. Thus far, you have been nothing but kind and understanding and giving to him. No reason he would not accept friendship which ever way this goes. I know you feel vulnerable right now but please know we are all pulling for you!

[Mom of 2]

That is the only thing that I am certain about. Everyone wants me to be happy. That has NEVER been my doubt. If I come across as being angry or defensive, believe me, it is not necessarily directed at anyone on this thread, but more of the situation in general. I am upset for the fact that I don't have all of the answers that I feel that I need. However, I know that I may not get all of those answers. My life cannot stop because I don't have the answers.

Part of me wants to just walk up to him, shake him and say, "What the F***!!!! What is wrong with you? Can't you see that I just want to be with you? We don't fight, I give you time to focus on your kids, give you time to do things with your friends (fishing, hunting), give you the benefit of the doubt on so many occasions, am okay with only seeing you once every two weeks. If you think that you can find anyone better, go ahead and try to find it!!! Because there is not a woman on this green earth of ours that would put up with half of this. I know that these things are important to you and that is why I have no problem with any of it. When you are doing these things, it gives me the chance to do my thing. I can't be demanding on your time because I don't want you (or anyone else) to be demanding on my time, give me a hard time with me working every weekend that I don't have my kids because I have to do what I have to do as a single mom. I don't want to hear how I am not giving you enough attention. That is why I like this relationship because guys in the past that realize what I have to deal with have told me that they need more. I can't deal with that."

Okay, I put it all out there. I am not going to go back and change any of it because it came right from the heart. That is why I like the relationship - because it works for me on so many levels.

[Mom of 2]

I am starting to think that he is avoiding the issues at hand and he does not want to deal with what is going on. To me, it is not complicated. We enjoyed spending time with each other, we enjoyed our conversations and that was that. He knew of my situation going into it, I knew of his situation going into it.

My thirst and hunger for answers is not getting me anywhere except in going through an emotional roller coaster. If anything, I am seeing for the first time how he handles issues, which is by avoidance. I need to determine if I can live with that or if I want someone in my life who works through things in that way. Do I avoid things in life, heck yeah sometimes. But in the end, I realize that they cannot be avoided forever and just because I put them off for a period does not mean that I can put them off forever.

IF, and I have to stress IF, things start to get worked out between us, I DO need to establish boundaries. I guess that is what I was originally trying to do over 6 months ago when I was wondering whether we were girlfriend/boyfriend. When he introduced me to several people as his girlfriend, I guess I did expect more things from him, but I know that I was still cautious. When I got that card that said love in it, that is when I thought that was where the relationship was going. Again, you have all heard it before and I don't want to beat a dead horse. I feel that I am again over explaining myself. I should only have to answer to me and no one else.

So, I will wait to see how the emotional dust settles, if it ever settles. I'm sad, mad, scared, uncertain, all rolled up into one. Now I have to determine whether I want to continue feeling this way or do something about it. I don't want to burn bridges and potentially lose at least a friendship, if that is what ends up coming out of it. I just wish that he would sh*t or get off the pot already and make up his stupid mind instead of stringing me along, not knowing what is going on.

I know that I am worth so much more. If things do end up working out, I do know that I have to establish boundaries regarding dealing with issues in the future. Someone can hurt me once, and I'll forgive them if I feel that they are sincere and that they want to improve. However, if it continues to happen, I need to move on. I think that the reason that I cannot move on at this point is that the few conversations that I have had with him, he sounds so upbeat and wanting to do something in the future. I guess I am looking for a more definitive answer. I need to be told exactly what is going on. BUT, can he do that? I don't know. I hate to put a timeline on it, but if I continue to be dealt with in this way, I will need to tell him that I can't deal with this, I have to be let go and move on and that I wish him well. Now I have to determine when I feel that I need to do that. No one can make that determination except for me.

Thanks!!

[Mom of 2]

Okay, I've done a lot of soul searching over the past couple of days. Today was the first day where I felt that I have started to really be happy again.

I deserve a lot more than what I have been getting. The confusion that has clouded my judgment is starting to clear.

I had an opportunity to talk with him yesterday, as he finally called me after nearly a week (I spoke with him last Sunday). I had texted him earlier in the day on Thursday saying that I wanted to talk to him about something that would both shock and relieve him. I had every intention of telling him that I could not continue with what has been going on and that I needed to move on. I mentioned in the text that I had plans for dinner and that I would be home around 9 or so and that we could connect after that time. He called at 7:30 p.m. At that time, I heard my phone ring, but because I was in the middle of dinner, I did not even glance at my phone, as I wasn't expecting any important phone calls at that time, and I let it go to voicemail. When I was leaving to go home (it was after 9 and approaching 10), I checked my message. His message said that he just landed at the airport from being at a seminar since Monday and was returning my call. Although I had originally wanted to REALLY talk to him, I found that I did not have that burning desire to call him back. I ended up going to bed and was able to have the first restful sleep in days.

The more and more that I think about it, I think that I would be better off taking time off from this relationship, stop the incessent need to find the answers that I am seeking and just focus on myself, my needs and my kids' needs. Everyday that passes, I miss him less and less, although I still do miss him. Maybe we can make a new start in the future, but I need to step away for a while at this point.

[Mom of 2]

Well, I woke up this morning and kind of fell back into feeling what I was feeling a few days ago. I am so confused and conflicted. I know that I can't make him give me the answers that I need, so I AM letting that go.

It is just scary to kind of put a sort of finalization on it, and I KNOW that I am kind of avoiding doing that. I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I had emailed him yesterday afternoon, apologizing for not calling him back, but that I got back later than I had expected. I indicated that I still needed to talk to him, but my weekend was full with stuff going on and maybe I would be able to call him on Sunday. I really want to talk to him about this and not leave a vm, but something tells me that I will be leaving one.

At any rate, this is the "speech" that I have created, let me know what you think:

The reason that I wanted to talk to you is because I do care about you. BUT I also care WAY too much about myself for us to continue like this. I would have liked to have had a friendship with you, but your avoidance has indicated that this may not be possible at this time. I don't want to burn bridges or totally close doors to possibilities in the future, as I will always consider you a friend. Maybe the both of us need a lot of time and space from each other for a while. These last 13 months have been filled with wonderful memories, and I want to thank you for that. However, I need to reflect and focus on myself. Thank you for caring and being a special part of my life. I wish you well. I want you to always know that I will be there for you if you should ever need anything, even if it is just to talk.

Like I said, I don't want to totally give up on any possibilities in the future, as I truly believe that he is not in touch with his feelings, as he was showing a lot of signs of really caring and wanting to be in the relationship. If that is really what was going on, then there may be a possibility in the future. BUT I am living right now and not in the future. If it was meant to be, then we can try it again later.

I will most likely post again after Sunday. My friend's boyfriend (C's brother) is hosting a surprise birthday party for my friend in a couple of weeks, and C might be there, but I don't know for a fact. If he is, then I will have to deal with that at that time. Part of me hopes that he is there so that we might have a chance to talk in person, or at the very least see if I have any of the same feelings, etc. Part of me hopes that he is not there because it would just be nice to be able to lay low and not worry about anything than spending time with my friend.

Only time will tell.

[talaniman]

If I were you, I would cancel that email, as its not necessary. I think you have a habit of filling in your own blanks, and building on them. The good part about slowing things up, is you catch up with yourself a bit, but this can also bring out the worst in our thinking. Sometimes its best to take no action, and just wait for the facts to come in.

Helpful hint- We fellows think slowly, as our feelings are not easily understood by us. Give us time, and be patient!!

You've done your part, now relax, and enjoy the other parts of your life. Turn the brain off, and do some girly stuff!

Maintain the mystery!

[Mom of 2]

Tal, I wasn't going to send that in an email. That is what I was going to tell him on the phone. Like I said, I don't want to close the door entirely to anything in the future and at the very least I still want to have a friendship with him, especially given the fact that I am still friends AND ALWAYS WILL BE with his brother's girlfriend. I was friends with her before all of this and that will never change. When I first started dating him, I was fearful that if things did not work out between us, it would create an uneasiness in my friend's life. However, I can't worry about that, I guess. The uneasiness with her will be there only if she allows it to be there. I can only worry about my feelings and not everone else's.

I appreciate all of the advice that I have gotten from all of you. It has been VERY helpful to me. I of course wish things had turned out differently - I think all of my friends, family and all of you on this thread think so as well (by the way, I consider all of you my friends as well. Although I don't know any of you personally, I love every one of you - no pressure and don't run the other way!! Ha, ha). I still remain slightly positive that things may work out between C and I. I'm not holding my breath, just remaining positive and open to possibilities. That is what I want to convey to him. For my own sake, heart and soul, I cannot allow myself to be strung along. I may have to live without answers, but I have to take a stand to say that I am worth more than that. Am I crazy for feeling this way or crazy for doing what I am doing?

So, if I understand Tal correctly (please correct me if I am wrong in my interpretation), I should still remain somewhat positive that he will come around (hence your statement about staying patient and that it takes time for men to understand their feelings) and that I should not say anything more about any of this? I just want to let him know that I don't appreciate being avoided, that this is not how I want or deserve to be treated, because if things do end up working out between us, if he suddenly sees what he is losing, I don't EVER want him to treat me this way again. Avoidance of issues should never occur, at least not indefinitely. You have to eventually look situations in the eye and make a move one way of the other.

The questions that continue to come in and out of my mind is, "Am I crazy to still have a hope that things may ACTUALlY work out between us? Was there EVER anything there? Was I just used and am now being kicked to the curb? Was I just a glorified booty call?" Some of my acquaintances say that I was just a booty call and that there was never ever anything there. Is that possible? I find that really hard to believe given all the facts that I have already presented here and which I am not going to restate. You all know the entire story. Again, if we fought EVEN ONCE, I would understand all of this more.

Don't worry. What I just posted should not be interpreted that I am thinking about going backwards and not follow through with what I feel that I need to do. They are merely thoughts that I may never get the answers to. Like I said before, I use this thread as a kind of therapy. It is wonderful to know that not only is this a journal of sorts, but I also have the ability to receive reality checks from people who have experience with this kind of thing and can offer me a perspective. It is also my hope that through all of my joys and pain, maybe I can also help someone else in a similar situation.