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talaniman · Jan 28, 2009, 06:58 AM

You both need time to process, and adjust, to the changes that life has thrown at you. It's a time to think, nothing more, and this is where you both work together to define what you have, and find the boundaries, and limits, that you can adhere to as you move forward.

No, the interest in each other is not lost, but changes, as you recognize the other things in life that's going on, and the balance needed to attend to them.

I have always said that the balance in your life is essential for you to be happy, so you can share that happiness. Many make the partner that focus, and trust me thats a disaster in the long run.

In other words, do something good for yourself, and your kids, and hopefully there will be time for some fun with him this weekend.

Nothing wrong with him chasing you a little.

Mom of 2 · Jan 28, 2009, 07:10 AM

Absolutely!! Thank you. I do want him to chase me again. I just miss him so much since we did not see each other during our last weekend. On the otherhand, I also don't want to pressure it because I don't want him to think that I did not listen to a word that he said and that I am just taking it up where we left it 3 weeks ago. I personally would like that, but I don't think that he wants to necessarily do that. I think that I am anxious to see his body language and everything when we are by each other. Then I will be better able to assess everything. Although we got a lot of things discussed, I believe that we were both guarded. Also, it is soooo hard to assess anything over the phone. All that I know is that it was of course the longest conversation that we have had in a long time (almost an hour), as our phone calls were only about 10-15 minutes long at the most before.

Okay, okay. I will stop worrying. I will stop obsessing. I just don't want to appear over eager to scare him off, but I miss him so much.

talaniman · Jan 28, 2009, 07:43 AM

Relax, and see what he brings to the emotional table.

My wife told me years ago, that I better be able to do something besides take out the garbage, when she nags me. ( Still working on it though )

gobe · Jan 28, 2009, 07:58 AM

I can not say anything else, talaniman"" said everything. ,,You talk, and listen. So now you know you scared him, No outside dating You both have been married so you both know for fact that life gets in the way sometimes, and it has to be dealt with "" that's says all. I guess your just to unsure in yourself and no patient at all. You have kids so your busy with them and you should just have fun with your kids and when ever he and you can get together don't push him. After a few years if you smart he will miss you more and more and if he likes you how he says he will be the one whom will do the next stamp. If you start going out ,,just with friend" you will loose him. Call him an listen he needs your advise talk on the phone as much as possible (no pushing either) and one day he will realize that he wants you more and more. Having a men is easy keeping him is the hard part :0)

jrebel7 · Jan 28, 2009, 01:08 PM

As usual, you are using good judgment and great restraint. Healthy communication is key. You are making yet another good decision in not saying to your guy that someone has asked you out and you are going. That would be death to the relationship I believe. If one has to play games, then it comes to how many games do I have to play to keep you interested but you are wise enough regarding relationships to know this.

If he asks, I see nothing wrong in telling him that yes you have been asked out but said no. But I wouldn't bring it up at this point. Sometimes all of us take the other for granted and sometimes knowing others might be interested in the person one cares about makes a person take a step back and realize they could lose that person if they don't tend to the relationship. But you are right, "Time will tell". You will know in your heart and make good decisions at that time.

jrebel7 · Jan 28, 2009, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Relax, and see what he brings to the emotional table.

My wife told me years ago, that I better be able to do something besides take out the garbage, when she nags me. ( Still working on it though )

Tal, that was great! LOL Reminds me of all the times when my husband and myself have had issues, he would take out the garbage, wash the dishes, vacuum, ask me if I needed anything from the store... so busy, that guy!! But only when he opened up and talked could we resolve the issues at hand. Oh that was great Tal. :p

talaniman · Jan 28, 2009, 02:18 PM

Thanks rebbie, okay I'll take out the trash for gosh sakes, but seriously we couldn't really move forward without some input from us both, and trust me, we worked darn hard to learn each others languages and how to express ourselves to each other.

I still don't do windows doggonnit, but I will hold the ladder, while she does. Sponge any one??

Mom of 2 · Jan 29, 2009, 11:06 AM

Just wanted to let you guys know I think I'm doing okay. I have not contacted him again since our talk. Every once in a while, I feel like doing that, just to say hi. BUT, I know that is not wise at this point.

I know that I have no way of knowing exactly what he is thinking. I hope that he is missing me and that he will soon realize that we had something really good going. Again, I find it hard to believe that he did not at least enjoy what we had. Yeah, he got scared, but why can't we just enjoy the moment we are in and not worry about anything else?

Only time will tell what will happen next. He said that he would call me before this weekend. I hope that he does call, but I'm scared that maybe he won't. I am using a lot of restraint not to contact him in any way. Sometimes that is easy, sometimes it's not. I just don't want him to forget about me. Then again, I don't want him to think that I wasn't listening either. Man, this NC stuff is harder than I thought. I know what I need to do, but that does not necessarily make it easier to do.

I wish that I knew the answers OR I wish that you guys could give me guarantees. Both are not possible. Does anyone have a crystal ball out there? Any psychic abilities?

So, here I am justing waiting and waiting. In my gut, I know that he will call. Hopefully my next post will be letting you know that he did call.

gobe · Jan 29, 2009, 11:37 AM

You doing well if he won't call that's meant to be, if he will call you don't let him know how much you missed him just be natural have a nice, lovely talk make jokes talk something about what both of you enjoy. Don't talk about the feelings (that's can wait) just try to have fun. Just be the cool girl. You can catch a person if your funny and not all the time the blablabla problem, how I feel how you feel , scared, miss you things. Than if he calls and you have a nice chit-chat you can call him back don't wait all the time for him but avoid the serious talk just have fun. It's best for him and you in this point. Of course how time goes by things change, you can't be there for him if he wants, when he wants but that's later on now just have lots of lots of fun when you talk to him or you are with him. Let him have a good time than he going to miss you more and more..

Mom of 2 · Jan 30, 2009, 06:11 AM

Yes, I am just going to wait for him to call. Can't do anything more than that to make a decision on next steps. I don't know for certain if he is stringing me along because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

However, depending on the outcome of the next few weeks, I may eventually decide to call it quits. No, I'm not looking for more than just spending time with him, getting to know him and building a stronger relationship with him. I'm in no place to look for more than that while my kids are still young, whether it is with him or someone else. However, I deserve more than just be placed on hold, questioning what is going on next. No, I don't want to say goodbye to him right now, but if this holding pattern and constant questioning what is going on continues for more than 3 months, I will have no other choice but to say that it was a pleasure getting to know you, but I can't be suspended like this forever. I have more self respect.

If that is what happens, I will use this as a lesson to learn from. I feel bad that my children were involved in the little way that they were, but I thought that I was doing the right thing. Will this make me think twice about doing that again? Heck yeah. IF this relationship totally ends and I find myself in another relationship, I WILL NOT introduce my kids to the other person for a LONG, LONG time. Yeah, I'm hurt and angry. These are my thoughts at this moment, but they could change in the next couple of weeks, depending on what actually occurs. I'm not in a position to make any brash decisions at this juncture. Am I hopeful? Yes, I am and I really want this to work. However, I need to consider the possibilities that this may not work out.

Just venting.

talaniman · Jan 30, 2009, 06:45 AM

Great vent, and healthy also. Sometimes its good to step back, gather the facts, and re-evaluate the situation. That's good I think, and keeps things in perspective.

But if this holding pattern and constant questioning what is going on continues for more than 3 months,

Thats 2 and a half months to long!! Let me be honest, and maybe a bit harsh, but stuff happens! After a year, you don't just stop talking or caring. You don't just run from fear, you talk and listen to resolve your issues, and honestly, someone who can't do that doesn't really deserve your time.

Maybe the relationship moved to fast for his poor little head, but he was a part of it, and you need to know, its a red flag as to the way he resolves his issues, and he has done it before hasn't he??

Mom of 2 · Jan 30, 2009, 06:58 AM

You're absolutely right. I am just going to wait for this weekend, see what happens if anything. Maybe wait until the end of Feb and then make my final decision and discuss it with him. I will explain to him that although I was not looking for something real serious at this time (marriage, etc.) I still think that we had something good going and we were growing together. If he just wants to be friends, then fine. I can talk to him, etc. but I can't continue being in a relationship with benefits. Can't and won't go there. However, I'm going to wait until the emotional dust settles in the next couple of weekends and then make baby step decisions.

Thanks for the feedback. Needed it!!

talaniman · Jan 30, 2009, 07:43 AM

And a hug of support for you also!:):D

gobe · Jan 30, 2009, 08:00 AM

Good luck!! :)

rudetome · Jan 30, 2009, 09:10 AM

I would suggest to you to take your time. I'm with a guy who doesn't agree on any of the kids issues at all and it is constant, arguments.

jrebel7 · Jan 30, 2009, 09:31 AM

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

Yes, I am just going to wait for him to call. Can't do anything more than that to make a decision on next steps. I don't know for certain if he is stringing me along because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

However, depending on the outcome of the next few weeks, I may eventually decide to call it quits. No, I'm not looking for more than just spending time with him, getting to know him and building a stronger relationship with him. I'm in no place to look for more than that while my kids are still young, whether it is with him or someone else. However, I deserve more than just be placed on hold, questioning what is going on next. No, I don't want to say goodbye to him right now, but if this holding pattern and constant questioning what is going on continues for more than 3 months, I will have no other choice but to say that it was a pleasure getting to know you, but I can't be suspended like this forever. I have more self respect.

If that is what happens, I will use this as a lesson to learn from. I feel bad that my children were involved in the little way that they were, but I thought that I was doing the right thing. Will this make me think twice about doing that again? Heck yeah. IF this relationship totally ends and I find myself in another relationship, I WILL NOT introduce my kids to the other person for a LONG, LONG time. Yeah, I'm hurt and angry. These are my thoughts at this moment, but they could change in the next couple of weeks, depending on what actually occurs. I'm not in a position to make any brash decisions at this juncture. Am I hopeful? Yes, I am and I really want this to work. However, I need to consider the possibilities that this may not work out.

Just venting.

I am so glad to finally read you are feeling and expressing some anger and beginning to realize your worth a bit more. Girl, you have been so balanced through all of this, I was beginning to think I was way out of kilter!! LOL :p Expressing anger and hurt is healthy and you have a safe forum here in which to get some of that out which will help you in the long run as you continue to see this thing through. We are all still with you and will continue to be!

Mom of 2 · Feb 1, 2009, 09:53 AM

Update. On Friday, I received a funny email from one of my friends. It had me in stictches and it was one of those emails that I would have forwarded to him without hesitation if things weren't what they are, which is limbo. I initially thought "Oh I should send this to him, he would get a kick out of it." But I hesitated for a second, saying, "I can't, don't want to bother him - giving him space". I also wanted to stick to my guns and not contact him for any reason until he contacted me. But, I caved and said, "Hey, why am I scared? It is just a joke email and nothing more than that." So, I forwarded it to him, without any kind of note, which is what I would have normally done. In the past, he would send me an email back commenting on it and saying "too funny", etc. However, he never commented on it. He apparently avoided it and chose not to respond. I have to admit that it hurt. Since Tuesday, there has been no contact what so ever. He said that he would call me by this weekend. It is now Sunday right before 11 a.m. and I have a feeling that he is not going to contact me at all. I have a feeling that he does not wish to continue with anything, that his comment on wanting to continue with a very slowed down version of what we were was his way of letting me down nicely and he will continue to avoid me.

What hurts is that I thought that he had SOME feelings for me. Now as I glance back, it is apparent that maybe I was not as special to him as he had indicated in the limited words that he used or the actions that he portrayed. I mean, there were quite a few instances where it was apparent that he went out of his way to be with me and to share special moments with me. Was this all an act? OR is this just avoidance until he can figure out what he wants? I thought that he had such a caring nature. From his phone call on Tuesday, he told me that he still wanted to spend time with me, continue with our phone conversations (but just not every night) and just take it more slowly.

Why can't he give me the respect that I deserve and be straight up and honest with me about what we are or aren't? I asked him if he wanted to call it quits and move on, but he said that he enjoyed the moments that we had and that he felt very fortunate to have met me, etc, but he needs to focus on his job and kids at the moment and then take us more slowly.

I have spoken to so many of my family and friends. A lot of people are telling me to block and walk. Other people are saying give it time and don't rush into any decisions that I may come to regret. These are the people who have seen us together and who have witnessed that yes, he does have feelings and that his actions did speak volumes. The continue to tell me give him space and time to realize that I am worth the effort. You just don't spend time with a person for this length of time and not have ANY strong feelings for them. Maybe I am listening to those people who are saying what I want to hear, that there is still enough there for us to build on, that maybe over time he will realize that I am worth it.

But, I don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to put my feelings on hold and have them shoved away because he is scared. What is that? Scared of what? We are all scared!! Why can't we just live in the moment and enjoy those moments? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why was he speaking about future things? I am just having a harder time with this than I thought I would. I am about to cave in again and call him, wanting to ask him more clear cut questions so that I understand more of what is going on. Oh, conundrum!!

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 10:06 AM

Take the kids for a Sunday treat, and leave him alone. You sent a joke, so what, if he doesn't responds right away or not at all?

Talaniman Rule-put more fun, and less worry in your life.

Talaniman says-Build a life that you enjoy, that makes you happy.

Thats your focus, YOU, not HIM.

Any man worth his salt is getting ready for the big game, and BSing with the boys, not on female concerns, not even taking out the garbage is important!

ordinaryguy · Feb 1, 2009, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by Mom of 2

I am about to cave in again and call him, wanting to ask him more clear cut questions so that I understand more of what is going on. Oh, conundrum!!!!

NOOOooooo!! Don't call him. You may never understand "what is going on". He may not understand it himself, or he may not be willing to share the understanding that he has. What's going on in his head is for him to reveal, or not. Ultimately, the reason(s) why he's pulling back is irrelevant. That's his business, not yours. All you have to know is that he IS pulling back. Consider it an opportunity to turn your attention to friends and family members that you enjoy, but may have been slighting because you were devoting so much attention to him. Think of it as rebalancing your emotiional portfolio.

gobe · Feb 2, 2009, 06:43 AM

Scared and busy and and lots of excuse but what can he say about keeping promises? If he said that he will call you and he did not... action talks. You are the only one whom knows the best what's going on, listen to yourself! If you feel that he is just playing with you take a walk your nobody toy. Learn from your past and use for the future. Don't think about him anymore live your life if he comes again be smart and live for the moment if you feel like it, life is short, enjoy what you have in the moment, your kids, your life, your fends and lots of other opportunity.