[jrebel7]

I love every one of you - no pressure and don't run the other way!!! Ha, ha).

I got to tell you Mom, this was classic, I loved it. The fact you are beginning to vent a bit more on the thread and now make a joke regarding a time of great pain, is progress. Proud of you!

[Mom of 2]

Thanks for the compliment. Hey, if you can't make jokes about certain situations, you run the risk of going completely mad!!

Yes, I know that I am making progress. I just wish that my situation would also make progress. I don't have total control over that, so I have to do what I have to do to make life bearable and to be able to move on with life.

Whatever is destined to happen will happen. I'll let you know if I finally decide to call him and tell him what I want to say. I don't want to appear to be groveling for his attention, which maybe is what it is appearing to be, but I also don't want to miss out on a possible opportunity for the future. I want to make sure that he understands that I have not totally given up on even having a friendship. Yes, I have taken off the rose colored glasses, I know that he is not as perfect as I may have thought he was.

[talaniman]

I should not say anything more about any of this?

Not at this time, as I think you have more to gain by observation, and paying attention to actions rather than dialog, or conversation.

I think he needs this space without influence to do as he wants. I am observing that you take his change in attitude, and behavior, as stringing you along, and I can see the resentment in that, but I don't think its about you, but about him.

Thats why space for you both to balance your lives out, and see things through the emotional dust is crucial to adult decisions. I Love you Mom, but I also know your driven to always honestly express yourself, and expect the same thing back. He senses he may not be ready for any of that, so don't box him in. He does need the time to process not only his feelings, but yours also.

Thats giving him space, and it may not satisfy your need to know, but it will allow you both to redefine the new boundaries of this friendship, and how to proceed. His knowing you love him has changed things, and he needs time to know how its changed, and what it means.

If you recall, you have been through this before with him. As I remember, that's when you both came back even stronger which brings us to NOW! That's why my advice is to use this time for you and everything else in your life, except this relationship. That's right, do or say... nothing, BUT, LOL, I ALREADY KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS for you.

I think two weeks, to a month of other things besides trying to figure what he is doing, and why, is just what you need. That would be slowing this runaway train (brain??) down some.


Hope I made some sense.

[Mom of 2]

Yeah. That does make sense. It's not necessarily what I want to do, but I think that it is the wisest path. If things are to work, they are because he wants them to and any more pressure from me will only make him run farther in the other direction.

[talaniman]

Just food for thought, there is no hurry to rush into conclusions, or actions.

[Mom of 2]

I just had a thought. Maybe a light bulb moment. I have been able to give the advice to others that I need to follow myself. I will not speak specifically of a particular thread, as I don't want to offend. BUT, that particular individual was SOMETIMES too stubborn to listen to the advice being given and would end of doing what he wanted to do anyway. That relationship went on and on and on. Although I think it ended up nice, I definitely don't want to go down that road. It eventually worked out ONLY after he followed the advice being given. Therefore, although I may appear to be kicking and screaming and saying "But you guys don't understand!!!!" I am really taking all of this in. Tomorrow is a start to a new week. Let's see what I am capable of doing (or not doing in this case).

I will of course keep you abreast of any new developments.

[ordinaryguy]

Tomorrow is a start to a new week. Let's see what I am capable of doing (or not doing in this case).

What Tal said:

Thats right, do or say..............nothing

Nobody ever said it was going to be easy to do nothing.

It might help to think of it as being relieved of a burden of necessity.

[Mom of 2]

He ended up calling me this morning after I had left him a message last night to give me a call when he got the chance.

After my initial difficulty in "spitting out" what I wanted to say, that I was afraid that I was bugging him, that I made him mad and that I had ruined all chances of a friendship with him, we had a really nice conversation. When I asked him if he was mad at me, he said, "Absolutely not. I would not have called you back if I were mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I want to continue our friendship and you have not lost me as a friend. At this time, that is all that I can offer right now." He mentioned that his son had started to become a little more clingy than usual and that his son told him just after Thanksgiving that he hated being home all alone. I remember right around Thanksgiving when C was at my place that his son had called him three times that evening alone asking where he was and when he would be coming home. I remember him replying, "I'll be leaving soon, buddy." So, I know for a fact that what he is saying about his son is partially true. It may not be the only reason for what has happened over the past month, but I know that it is a very large part of it. C mentioned that he does not want me to be the bad guy and for resentment to start between his son and me because he feels that I am taking his dad away from him. He mentioned that he would not feel comfortable with the fact that his son was wanting him to be with him and he was instead with me. Like I said a looong time ago, when it comes to kids, there is no competition between a person's children and someone they are dating. The person they are dating will lose every time and for all of the right reasons. He told me that he did not want to promise me anything that he could not fulfill and he can't say what the future will hold. He said that he is not dating anyone else and he is not interested in anyone else and that he does not want to date anyone at all. He just needs to focus on his kids and I have to say that I agree with him.

He then said that he still wants me to feel free to call him whenever I want to talk to him, if I should need something, etc. and he said that he wants to be able to do the same thing with me, to be able to call me to chat, etc. He said that he knows that we will be at parties together and he wants to be able to come up to me and for me to come up to him without feeling uncomfortable. He said that he cannot say for certain at this time if there is any chance for a rekindling in the future.

So, although we are no longer bf/gf, at least I have him as a friend.

I worked with my girl friend during lunch today. She asked me for an update so I told her about this morning's conversation. She mentioned that she knows that he is telling the truth about not dating anyone else. She joked and said that if he ever did start to date anyone else and if he ever wanted to bring another woman to her house for a family function, "that woman would not be able to step foot in my house" and that she would call me to come right over. I know she was joking and it really made me laugh. She then said, "He needs to see you and then everything will be okay." I told her that even if he were to see me, I don't think that it would change things. Things are what they are and that he should not be pressured by anyone to be with me. If that is what happens, then he is not with me for the right reasons and no relationship can be built on that.

I am just glad that we are able to remain friends, at least for now. I AM a little sad about it, I am not going to lie. I know that it is going to be tough at first, but with everything in life, you adjust and get used to it. NO, I am not going to be allowing the friendship with benefits. If that is what he wants, he will realize soon enough that I am not open to that. I am not willing to settle for that. I have a lot more self worth than to allow myself to be used in that way. Yeah, it will be hard at first, but I have to put up clear boundaries because I know what damage that this can cause. The only way that I would be willing to have that kind of relationship again with him would be if he could give me a true committed, gf/bf relationship.

I am not giving up all hope for a potential future for us, but I know that there is also a potential that there may not be a future for us in that manner as well. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. Again, the important thing is that we are not bitter towards each other. Only time will tell if we are able to follow through with our theory of being able to be just friends. If something does end of happening between us again, then at least I know that we have a true friendship as a basis. After all, that is what all strong relationships should be based on anyway.

I don't think that I will be posting for a while, unless something should happen in the near future. OOOOHHHH, that's right, I have that party for my friend on the February 22nd. I definitely will be posting about that. So, stay tuned. Otherwise, thank you for providing me all of your wonderful advice. I hope that at the very least, I was also able to help someone else who is in the same situation. Maybe my story will have a happy ending, but maybe it won't. All I know that I have to be happy with myself first before I can be happy with anyone else in my life.

Adios for now.

[talaniman]

Now, I know you don't think you can disappear without me wishing you much luck and happiness, and not saying a parting word that I hope helps!!

Stay balanced and relax, and do the things that you enjoy and that makes you happy.

Above all don't leave your family here wondering, if your doing okay, or not.

[Mom of 2]

No, I know that I could not just say goodbye. I'm just going to go on a hiatus of sorts for a while. If there are any updates, I will of course let you all know. You all have come to be such an important part in my life and I would not trade that for the world. I have come to seek your advice on so many occasions and it has helped in so many ways.

Like I said, I will be posting an update after the party on the 22nd, so stay tuned.

I'm sure I will also see you on other threads as well, Tal. Thanks for everything.

Adios (for now, but not forever)

[Mom of 2]

I know that I said that I wouldn't post until after next weekend's party, but I decided I had to.

There were a few days where I felt that I was taking things in stride. I don't know if because yesterday was Valentine's day or what, but I've been soooo sad. I've been around friends and family a lot more, but I am still hurting inside.

I will have you know that I DID NOT contact him in anyway since our phone call last Tuesday. I am so proud of myself of not weakening and sending him a message for happy valentine's day. I am still confused and hurting inside, but I know I will get through it.

I am starting to feel a little scared about next weekend. I am glad that there will be other people there that I know that will help to ease the possible uncomfortableness. I am planning on just laying low and not approach him in anyway. If he is there, which I am 99%sure that he will be, I'll say hi, be approachable but I will be kind of aloof, putting on a big smile, and have an overall "fake it till I make it" attitude. My focus will be on appearing strong, centered and in control. I am scared that I will start to cry while I'm there, as I have not really been able to do that yet. That is what I am scared about.

I took off the heart pendant necklace that he gave me for my birthday and will put it in my jewelry box (I have pretty much been wearing it everyday since he gave it to me). I'm trying to do babysteps. I certainly don't want to be wearing it on the night of the party. I am feeling more anger than I have felt before, which I really think is a good sign, as I am starting to come out of denial.

I will post again after next weekend and let you know how things go. Part of me wants him to be there, but part of me kind of wants him not to be.

[Mom of 2]

The party was tonight and I think that it went relatively well. I looked hot!! Hee hee!! Not over done and deliberate, but very sexy with a classy style.

When my girlfriends and I walked into the room, C was sitting with his parents at a table in the corner. I just flashed my sideways smile and followed my girlfriends to another table, took off my coat. I was just about to sit down when his mom was right behind me with her arms held out. This was big, because she is the type of person that if she does not like you, she will NEVER make an effort to approach you. You are supposed to approach her. I of course turned around and gave her a hug and kiss hello. She asked me how I was doing, small talk and such. She told me that it was so good to see me, etc. About 30 seconds after she walked away, C came up to me, gave me a kiss and hug hello. He claimed that he did not even recognize me when I walked in the room. However, I know that he noticed me because he said something about my coat, but whatever. He asked how I was doing. More small talk, etc. He asked where my kids were, if I had to get a sitter and I told him that the kids were with their dad, which he looked surprised to hear (I don't know why). Told him that I just told my ex that I had some place to go and that he agreed to take care of them for the night. More small talk, he asked if anything was new and I said, no not really. I introduced him to my friends, but I could tell that he was uncomfortable. He just mentioned that he would talk to me later and that was that. I enjoyed myself at the table with my friends. At one point in the evening, I don't know when exactly, my girlfriends said that he changed his seat so that he was in better view of me. Don't really know for certain whether that was was the reason because I don't know what is going through his head. Not trying to read very too much into anything at this point.

Yes, my girlfriend was soooo surprised with everything when they finally arrived. It was an awesome night. At the very least, I had a lot of fun because of that.

The other sister in law came up to me at my table, gave me a big hug and kiss and said, "We miss you so much!!" She asked me how I was doing, the same old same old. I told her I was doing good. She then cut to the chase, which I was not too surprised about, as she is the one person in the family that knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. "What is going on?" I told her that I was totally confused and that I thought that it was over between us. She just flashed her smile and said, "No it's not." I questioned her on it, "What do you mean? I'm taking it as that he doesn't want anything more to do with me." She said that she had a heart to heart with him and he told her that we are just taking a break right now, slowing things down for the moment because things were starting to go too fast for him and that he does not want to be a stepfather to young kids. I know that she was digging for information so I made sure that I was very specific and careful in how I answered her questions. I simply told her that it was never my want to have a stepfather for my kids and that I did not want to even consider anything more serious than spending time with someone I cared about until after my kids were done with high school. After they are done with high school, then that would be the time that I would even consider taking any further serious steps with anyone. She told me not to give up on him and that she knew that he was hurting inside because he has not been his same old self for over a month. I will not lie and say that I was not happy to hear that. She said that throughout dinner, he kept glancing over in my direction and she just wanted me to know that. "He still cares about you, he is just too stubborn to admit it right now". She then said that I looked great and that I was "handling it very well over here." I raised me eyebrow and she elaborated that I was doing all of the right things in looking like I was enjoying myself, carrying on, etc. I just said thank you and then she turned and went back to the table.

I give kudos to him for being the one who came up to me. That was worrying me for an entire week, whether he was going to do that or if I had to approach him. I thought that he would totally avoid me, which I am glad that he did not.

When it came time for us to leave, I went up to their table, gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug and did the same thing to his brother, sister in law, mom and dad. Then I left.

I wish that we could have maybe talked a little more, but I knew that it was not the time or place. Small baby steps. Just trying to let the dust settle.

In the meantime, I joined a free dating site. Yeah, I know, it surprised me too. I haven't gone out on any dates yet, but I have been asked. At the very least, it is very flattering to my ego. I'm just having fun with it, chatting on the computer. I don't want to pass up on any opportunities that may come my way. However, I am not ready to jump into another relationship at this time. I'm just passing the time chatting with men on the computer. I have been up front and honest with all of them that I am just looking for a friendship first and that I am not promising any more than that right now. Hmmmm, doesn't that sound familiar? At least I am saying it right now and not waiting until 13 months to tell anyone about it. I'm just having fun. At the very least, it is stroking my ego a little bit.

The thing that floors me is that I have been approached by MANY guys in their 20s. What is the deal with that? I have been told that I don't look my age, but COME ON!! If one situation about guys doesn't confuse me, then something else will. And you guys think that we women are complex!

So, although I am still sad about everything, I did get a little more clarification about the situation, unless he is also lying to his sister in law. I'm just going to take one day at a time. One girlfriend said that I should send an email to him next week to tell him that it was good to see him tonight and just keep it simple. However, I don't think that I will do that. If he said that he will call me, then that is what he should do without any approaches from me.

Okay, so what is your take on it all? Feel free to say anything that you need to say, offer any advice that you want to give.

[Survivor07]

Hi Mom of 2. I was waiting to see what happened at the party! I have a lot in common with your situation and have read your entire thread over the weekend. I am a divorced mother also. I was married for 12 years. My first "love" after the divorce sounds a lot like yours. The bad news is it turns out we aren't for each other; the good news is we are very good friends and talk weekly. I totally identify with the anxiety of not knowing how someone is feeling in this type of relationship. My advice for now is do not contact him. He is missing you. You sound in control and happy. That's great. I think you sound like a great catch and remember that. You deserve respect and love and honesty. I loved what you did when you made him dinner! Priceless. Keep us posted and keep your hands off the phone/computer : )

[Mom of 2]

So, Survivor, did your "love" say he wanted a break and then never came back? All of his family members (well three of them at least) are telling me to not give up, that it's not over and that he will come around eventually. Personally, my life is so busy at this point, I don't want to make the time or effort to start looking for anyone else. You know what I mean? I mean, when I met him, I wasn't looking and I found someone. Whenever I look, I seem to find nothing but crud. So, I'm just going to relax, do my thing, and whatever happens happens. I still want to prove all of you who think that this will not work out wrong (Hee hee!! )

[Survivor07]

Sounds like you have "relationship burnout Mom" : ) Kidding. I know exactly what you mean about the time and effort thing. Believe me. I wasn't looking when I found "M" (first love) nor was I looking when "J" found me (my current boyfriend of 11 months). To answer your question, yes, M told me he needed a break and, no, he did come back! Unfortunately I had moved on by then. The story: M lives in my neighborhood and our daughters met at a local park. It was through our daughters that we met, so meeting the kids was really not an issue; however, we were very discreet in front of the kids. The girls are both under 9, so to this day I don't believe they know M and I were anything other than the friends we are today. We hit it off and had a wonderful 9 months together when out of the blue (at the time it seemed out of the blue) he told me he needed some space. This was after I sensed a pulling back so to speak. He wouldn't call at his usual 9:30 p.m. time which was every single night since we met. He wouldn't be home when he said he would be. He would be distant and we didn't dare say the three little words which I wanted to so much. Finally, I got some answers. Turns out he was contemplating a reconciliation with his wife. Yes, I made the BIG mistake of falling for a man who was separated. Although in my defense his divorce papers were signed and ready to be filed (he showed them to me) and he gave me every indication he was moving on. We both were clear that we were relationship-type people. That playing the field wasn't something either of us were interested in. I believed him when he said the cliché statement about the paperwork was all that was left for his divorce. He and his wife were apart for two years. She was living with someone else. I, too, had met his family and friends and they all, to this day, love me. They even tell me that they think M and I will end up together someday. Well, after four months of "dating" his wife and four months of absolutely no contact with me, he called me one night and asked if he could speak with me face to face. We talked on my front porch, or he talked, I listened. He told me that he made a huge mistake and that he loved me, missed me, etc. At that point I was sooo tempted but I fortunately learned a very valuable lesson: M was not emotionally available, not when I met him and not when he came back either. (And, of course, most important of all he wasn't a free man.) He asked me to reconsider. He said he was unsure of how ready he was for a romantic relationship but that he didn't want to lose me. I flat out told him that I loved him, too; however, I AM ready for a romantic relationship and I am not going to allow myself to be put on a shelf while he deals with his emotions. He cried. He is a very tough Marine. And he cried. He said the time away from me made him realize how much he wanted to be with me. That is why I think what you are doing is a good thing. Make him miss you. As hard as it is, and I know, don't call. It was easier for me to not contact M because I would be a "home wrecker", the "other woman". I was devastated and felt so stupid for not listening to my gut and dating a separated man. After he told me about needing space I so wanted to "accidentally" run into him or call him with a "question" or just to text to say how is it going. But I did nothing. A lot has happened since and after many heart to heart talks, like I said, we are very good friends. I missed him sometimes in the romantic sense, but I know it would never work because I wouldn't be happy, always wondering how he felt about me, and I honestly love having him as a friend. It works. He is still not divorced. We still talk on the phone and see each other in the neighborhood. My boyfriend has even met him! Sorry to ramble about myself. I guess what I want to relay to you is the message that if it's meant to be with you and C, he HAS to be given the chance to miss you and by missing you I mean that he has to be the one who makes the contact. He has to wonder about you, wonder what you're doing, etc. If he is getting information from his brother about you, that may be enough for him, because I'm willing to bet that he is asking about you a lot. He will surprise you. And when you get that call, what will you say? I think you're on the right track. Only you know how long you're willing to wait, and if you feel like going out, there's always the cruds! Kidding. I do believe, however, that when a relationship is happy and healthy that you know where you stand, most, if not all of the time. If he is being honest about his reasons for needing space and his fear of a long-term commitment, his not wanting to be a stepdad (whoa!), etc. then all you can do is wait and see. I think he will wake up and realize he's crazy and fly to the phone all the while praying you're still available and willing to talk to him! I hope for that!!

[Mom of 2]

Thank you so much, survivor, for relating your story. It is always good to hear how other people handled their similar situations. I will use all of your advice and be more ready when the call comes in, which I know eventually it will.

I will keep you posted.