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gotcaught · Mar 2, 2008, 08:16 AM

Oh and by the way.
I shared to my wife that I was chatting on this board and initially she thought this was not going to fix our marriage, but she was able to find this chat board and she's been reading so just an fyi. I don't mind her reading at all, she can always log in as well. So be careful, the wife is reading.. :)
Thanks

talaniman · Mar 2, 2008, 11:51 AM

That would be great, as she can benefit from see what you wrote and we can get insight that you couldn't express.

Marriedguy · Mar 2, 2008, 05:29 PM

You not crazy.. before my marriage separation we had a disagreement. She wanted to get a belly ring. I felt it was inapporiate she didn't. This disagreement ended with her getting the belly ring regardless on how I felt. Then we got back together and the belly was still an issue (which I didn't bring up) and it was constant reminder of her rebellion stage. I just ignored it. Then she got pregnant then removed the bellyring and when she had the ability put it back in.. she just didn't.

Marriage is give and take..

gotcaught · Mar 3, 2008, 06:51 AM

The wife is back home. Got home yesterday evening around 3:00 and for the most part it went well. I tried not to dig into it, but Idid a little. It was wonderful to see the kids as we played outside and enjoyed the evening and actually had a good family dinner. After the kids went to sleep around 8:00 m wife and I set on the couch away from each other yet our feet were still touching. We talked about it what she did and some other things of our past and it sucks that she did what she did. I can't accept anything for what she did. But all and all our night went well. It's weird I wanted to make love to my wife last night, but she said no and I for some reason as much as I enjoy being with her have to agree, but just weird that I would even want to do that to make love?? She says we need to communicate better and love each other first before sex?? I'm confused. I'm a guy who has sex first and then I'll talk, probably like most guys. I can't believe I even want to have sex with her after what she did to me. So any way went to sleep and I woke up and the first thing I think of is her going down on this other man and it just tears me that's all I could say to her and it sucks cause I'm having a hard time getting over what she did and I probably never will. We have our first real counseling session at 2:00 today. She's taking the kids to school this morning, has quit work and I don't even trust her to just take the kids to school, who knows where she'll go or try to do, that's horrible.
That's the update. Thanks for listening!

sassyT · Mar 6, 2008, 03:34 PM

How are things going? Well?

middlemichelle · Mar 7, 2008, 07:45 PM

Hi everyone. I'm the wife. I have been wanting to chime in but didn't know how or where to start. I didn't want anyone to think I was trying to state my case. I know what I did was wrong and I regret how I have hurt the one person I love the most. First off, thanks for all of your support to my husband, it's been a tough couple weeks for us. We are both trying to stay positive and we are both excited to be in counseling. I really want us to be a success story like a couple others that have put in their stories and advice. Like my husband mentioned we have been having problems for awhile now but I really want to reconnect and communicate and be better than ever. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me to earn his trust back but I am a fighter and I rarely lose so we should be on the right track! So, at risk of pleading my case I do have a question. It's coming, I promise. My husband is right when he says I have been distracted for the past 6 months. Not with other men, just distracted from my home life. Escaping to work, out with girlfriends, short trips here and there. All of which had nothing to do with other men. I have been totally honest with my husband since all of this and I am being honest now. During this period I got my second tattoo. I have had my first tattoo since I was 18 (college) and I have been planning my second for over a year. My husband has never been a fan of tattoos and it was a big issue when I got it back in December. He threatened to divorce me if I didn't remove it. I knew he was not a fan but never thought I'd get an ultimatum like that. He agreed to give it some time. Then this past month came about and we are back to him taking me to a tattoo removal place for a consultation. We are on opposite sides of the fence about tattoos. I do not see them as trashy, ugly, or a bad influence on our children... as he does. My tattoo means a lot to me, it symbolizes my family and my passion. (I am a doula, for those of you who do no know what that is... I assist women and their partners in childbirth, I am a professional childbirth assistant). So my tattoo has that meaning as well as the first letter of both of my girls names on it. My husband has never asked about the meaning so he still does not know. The tattoo is a lotus flower which symbolizes purity, rebirth, strength, in my mind it was to symbolize me. It sits atop water which represents my husband, without the water for support the lotus does not survive, then there are the seeds which represent all of the women and babies I have assisted in bringing into this world and two seeds that stick out are the ones with my girls letters in them. So with recent events he feels it's all a lie, where I see it as hope. I am that person, I lost my way, but I am that person. I love my family, I love my husband. I feel like him wanting me to do this is an emotional reaction to what has happened and not rational. He wants me to say that I will do anything to fix what has happened but I don't think removing my tattoo is what is going to fix this. I am really torn, this tattoo has nothing to do with my distractions and me being pulled away from my family. It's what reminds me of their importance and it really is just my expression of this. I am not ready to make such a rash decision on this and hope that he is patient so we can seek counseling on this as well. So I put it out there to you all, what do you think?

ps the tattoo is high on my neck and can be covered with my hair, just fyi.

Thanks for listening,
the wife.

Synnen · Mar 7, 2008, 10:53 PM

I think ultimatums are bad, in general.

The tattoo is part of who you are. When you talk about what it means to you, I think you have every right to have it there.

I don't think the tattoo has anything to do with your current problems, and bringing it up is bringing up the things that LED to your current problems.

Should you keep it or remove it to save your marriage? I don't know. Only you and your husband can decide that, together.

That's something that NEEDS to come out in counseling. The little things that drive you apart are going to feel needle sharp right now, and you need to decide TOGETHER how to go forward.

N0help4u · Mar 7, 2008, 11:26 PM

I would love to see the tattoo it sounds really neat. (Pic and upload it to the site?? :D)
Maybe that can be a topic at counseling. It does seem rash to make a snap decision while you are in the middle of more serious issues. Your husband is dealing with too many other things that have hurt him so I think he should pick his battles and leave that for another time after things cool down and you both know your marriage is going to make it.
In the meantime it is good to know that you DO want to make the marriage work as well as he does so that is the majority of the battle and now you have to work out the details and find the love and spark to make it stick.

Maybe this will help your husband understand your tattoo.

Buddhist Symbols: Symbol of the Lotus

Lotus flower

The Meaning and Symbolism Behind the Lotus Flower Tattoo

DONA International – What is a doula?

inthebox · Mar 7, 2008, 11:39 PM

Gotcaught:

Sorry about your situation. I have had an affair and my wife has also cheated on me. This was 3 years ago. We are still together. We have children. It is still hard for us at times. It sounds trite, but the only thing that has kept us together and will keep you together is if, after you have taken time to re-evaluate how you feel about each other, you find that deep down you BOTH still love each other. That definitely means FORGIVING, though that will take time.

If only one of you works at this, forget it. If there is no forgiveness, forget it.

There is no exscuse for cheating. I did for purely selfish reasons. Yes, she could have paid more attention to me blah blah blah, but in the end it was my stupid choice. It starts small and then... the cheater, I, did the wrong thing.

The whole wanting to have sex thing even though they've cheated. Felt the same thing. Wanted to feel wanted, to prove myself in that area.

Regarding the wife of the cheater. It is already done. I would be careful, you are both vulnerable. You're both hurt and have common ground.

The tattoo thing. Let it go. It is small compared to what your facing now. Let her express herself.

It is possible to get get better. It will take time and it will be very hard.
She has to regain your trust. Both will have to avoid bringing up the past, criticism, and blame.

Counseling is good. What has helped me is prayer and good supportive friends that listen and stay away from the negativity about the whole situation.

God bless.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 02:06 PM

Time, time, time, and more time. The tattoo is yours, and yours only, and given what it means, is a non issue. You both have issues, and so glad your in counseling, to guide you through the process of expressing, and dealing with your feelings, and help you to establish boundaries, as to solve resentments, and arguments. This didn't just happen over night, and your cure will not be swift, as now is the time for patients, and hard working, and forgive each other, and your yourselves. Rules must be established, as learning to let go, is at the very top of the list. Sometimes shutting up, and thinking before speaking, is the tool to use, because you can't really take back hurtful words, in the heat of an argument. That you are both willing to work at this, is a great sign, and will be the basis of rebuilding a crumbled foundation, to move forward with. Just be patient, and listen, as you learn, as that will be what brings you back together. Knowing you have heard each other. You have alluded to questions you have. Can I ask what they are?

middlemichelle · Mar 8, 2008, 04:13 PM

My question was about the tattoo issue. I needed to hear some thoughts, and I thank you all who have responded. I just don't want to hurt him any more than I have, I love him dearly. I just want to make sure we don't make crazy decisions that we or I will regret later or resent him for. But I don't want him for a second to think I don't want this to work, I do.

N0help4u · Mar 8, 2008, 04:16 PM

Besides him putting the tattoo issue aside
I think the best thing the TWO of you can do is
Use this as a rule of thumb to work it out
Every morning ask yourself (him too) what can I do
"in the best interest of my spouse today?"

talaniman · Mar 8, 2008, 04:25 PM

Yes, I think the tattoo issue is a smoke screen, for a larger issue.

middlemichelle · Mar 8, 2008, 04:30 PM

Thanks for all the support and help everyone, we are off to counseling on Monday again! Wish us luck. We really do love each other so much, I am excited to get my best friend back! We will be a success story!

gotcaught · Mar 10, 2008, 08:11 AM

The tattoo, must go. In my mind it reminds me of a time when she was out running around and being very selfish with her acations. The tatttoo if it had true meaning, she would not have done what she did. She knows and has known for many years how I feel about tattoos on my wife. Yes I married her with one, but I knew that going into this marriage. I told her from the day one when she discussed getting the tatto that I did not like them and I did not want them in our house. Not what I want. Yes, it's her body, but I married her for her beauty and the tatto is not beautiful to me. My thoughts if you want this artwork, put it on a picture and hang it on the wall, not on your back where the world can see it. Her hair does not cover it and she'll never be able to wear the hair up again.
I know others may think I am wrong, but I am stern on this and will not bend. Yes, our marriage is first and foremost, but my wife over the last 6 months was someone I didn't even know and our kids didn't even know. This tatto reminds me of the last 6 months and my wife's selfish wasy of doing things without discussing the long term effects of the situation.
Other than that, our marriage or issues are going OK, good 1/2 days and bad 1/2 days. I try to live one hour at a time. My wife and counselor both told me to get off this forum last week and I did just that. This will be my last statement.
I needed you all in a big big way when I first heard about what my wife did to me and the family and our friends, but now I must move on and say a big THANK YOU for all your help and kinds words. Thanks and best of luck to all of you.

sassyT · Mar 10, 2008, 08:27 AM

Originally Posted by middlemichelle

My question was about the tattoo issue. I needed to hear some thoughts, and I thank you all who have responded. I just don't want to hurt him any more than I have, I love him dearly. I just want to make sure we don't make crazy decisions that we or I will regret later or resent him for. But I don't want him for a second to think I don't want this to work, I do.

I am afriad I agree with gotcaught on this issue. The tattoo was a rebelion against your husband and every time he sees it, it is going to remind him of this time in your life.
He told you he did not like tatoos but you still went and got one. Why would you do that?
To me the whole story of it symbolizing your family sounds like an excuse.

You got this tattoo during the time you were distancing yourself from your family and having sexual encounters with another man. Of course your husband is going to hate the tattoo! What do you expect?
You should accually be rejoicing that your husband has chosen to work things out because a lot of people will not put up with infidelity.
So if you are really sorry about what you did and you love your Husband and family, I would suggest you remove that tattoo. That is the least you can do to help your husband get over the betrayal.
Besides tatoos on the neck are kind of trashy.. sorry that's just my opinion. :)

MyLife777 · Mar 12, 2008, 02:04 AM

Originally Posted by gotcaught

... My wife and counselor both told me to get off this forum last week and I did just that. This will be my last statement.
I needed you all in a big big way when I first heard about what my wife did to me and the family and our friends, but now I must move on and say a big THANK YOU for all your help and kinds words. Thanks and best of luck to all of you.

One thing I didn't see anyone post is... take a step back, and go on a vacation together. Getting away can do wonders to a relationship if the two of you are willing to try to get past the hurt. Sorry if this sounds shallow but it can truly help. And take the kids too! It is a family vacation and when it comes down to it... its all about family.

igman · May 23, 2008, 11:27 AM

Hi. I just joined and was wondering if you still wanted to discuss this ? I know what you are going through.

observer15 · Dec 5, 2008, 02:16 PM

Originally Posted by middlemichelle

My question was about the tattoo issue. I needed to hear some thoughts, and I thank you all who have responded. I just don't want to hurt him any more than I have, I love him dearly. I just want to make sure we don't make crazy decisions that we or I will regret later or resent him for. But I don't want him for a second to think I don't want this to work, I do.

Honestly... your husband said you were 33. I think you should really just grow up.

Tattoos are nice, but in a few years when your skin starts to get wrinkly and lose its elasticity, your tattoo will likely appear shriveled, much like a wilting rose.

Please be considerate and sensitive to your husband's needs. I hope you'll have to heart to stop engaging other men in any oral activities. I would never dare to cheat on my partner - you better believe it.

observer15 · Dec 5, 2008, 02:18 PM

Originally Posted by MyLife777

One thing I didnt see anyone post is...take a step back, and go on a vacation together. Getting away can do wonders to a relationship if the two of you are willing to try to get past the hurt. Sorry if this sounds shallow but it can truly help. And take the kids too! It is a family vacation and when it comes down to it...its all about family.

Just make sure that you go to an isolated island with as few people as possible -- such as the movie "Cast Away."

If you and your wife head to a resort, the abundance of other men around will only increase the risk of her repeating her behavior or engaging other men in oral sex. Just setting yourself up for another episode of heartache and pain.

Good luck.