[jenld]

I am currently dating a man and we are planning on getting married, he has a 2 year old daughter and things are great, I absolutely adore her, the only problem is that her mother is doing everything in her power to make our lives miserable, especially when it comes to her daughter. She won't let him take his daughter if she knows that he is going to be seeing me, which for right now I guess is OK but he is moving in with me at the end of the month and I am scared that she won't allow him to take her at all. I know that she has an issue with me because she thinks that I am going to try to be her baby's mother, no matter how many times I try to tell her that is not what I want, I understand where she is coming from and I know she is not my daughter and I am not trying to take her place. And since they have no legal custody agreement because they were never married, there doesn't seem like there are a whole lot of options for him in regards to making sure that he can take his daughter for the night or the weekend or whatever and not having her tell him "no". He wants to pursue full custody of his daughter and I believe that there isn't a judge in the state that would favor the mother in this particular case, she has a history of some questionable activities, a restraining order against her and a recent probation violation. But he doesn't know how to go about doing that, he says he doesn't want to "rock the boat" but its gotten to the point that he needs to sink the boat and build his own canoe, if someone could please shed a little light and maybe give me some suggestions of how this should proceed I would be eternally grateful.
Thank you
Jld

[Fr_Chuck]

I am currently dating a man and we are planning on getting married, he has a 2 year old daughter and things are great, i absolutely adore her, the only problem is that her mother is doing everything in her power to make our lives miserable, especially when it comes to her daughter. She won't let him take his daughter if she knows that he is going to be seeing me, which for right now I guess is ok but he is moving in with me at the end of the month and I am scared that she won't allow him to take her at all. I know that she has an issue with me because she thinks that I am going to try to be her baby's mother, no matter how many times I try to tell her that is not what I want, I understand where she is coming from and I know she is not my daughter and I am not trying to take her place. And since they have no legal custody agreement because they were never married, there doesnt seem like there are a whole lot of options for him in regards to making sure that he can take his daughter for the night or the weekend or whatever and not having her tell him "no". He wants to pursue full custody of his daughter and I believe that there isn't a judge in the state that would favor the mother in this particular case, she has a history of some questionable activities, a restraining order against her and a recent probation violation. But he doesn't know how to go about doing that, he says he doesn't want to "rock the boat" but its gotten to the point that he needs to sink the boat and build his own canoe, if someone could please shed a little light and maybe give me some suggestions of how this should proceed I would be eternally grateful.
thank you
jld

First being legally married has nothing to do with having a child custody hearing and having a court issued child custody with visitation requirements and also child support payments to be made.

He needs to file for some form of custody, joint perhaps or at least proper visitation agreement that spells out what days each month and which holidays he gets the child.

Next he needs to be paying child support if he is not already.

As for as the child's mother, you will dislike her now and most likely grow to almost hate her by time the child is 18. I wish I could say they will learn to work it out, some do, but normally the child is used as a tool by both sides to get even with the other. She does not want him but does not want him to be happy either ( just my guess)

So get your boyfriend to a lawyer and file for his rights.

[fredg]

Hi,
Fr_Chuck has some great answers.
So, no one is married?
If your boyfriend isn't paying child support, the chances of him taking his daughter anywhere is slim and none. The child's mother is well within her rights to not let the child go anywhere with him, or even leave the house with him. Unless he is paying child support, he has no legal rights at all!
As the other answer stated, your boyfriend needs a lawyer, have some kind of papers drawn up. But of course, if your boyfriend doesn't want to pay child support, then that's out.
But, talk with a lawyer. I do wish you the best.

[jenld]

Thank you for the quick replies everyone, I failed to mention that although they have no legal custody agreement, he does pay her child support, in fact he pays her rent, and buys the food and he makes sure that his daughter is well provided for, he goes above and beyond what any court would appoint as a monetary amount, and he's more than happy to do it, as long as his daughter has the things that she needs, I know that of course I am a little bias, but he really is not your typical "dead beat dad" I just don't want it to come to the point where she is forcing him to choose between being with me and being able to see his daughter, I am afraid that then I would have no choice but to martyr myself and break up with him. I just wish that he would get some guts and stand up for himself, by telling him that that I am crossing some sort of line since she is not my daughter?

[Sweetbutnotsour9]

I kind of know how you are feeling here. But I'm on the other end of the stick, I'm the mother of a little girl with an ex who is not happy and therefore tries to make my life miserable.

Believe, I have taken quite a bit of 'crap' from her father and now I've had enough. Tell your boyfriend to get a lawyer, file those papers for custody and visitation and even child support and then take her to court. Just because you are with the father now, shouldn't mean anything. She's just trying to use that baby against him and he better not let her!!


Good luck,

Ruth

[talaniman]

If your husband is not pissed enough to take action,you need to leave their business alone,If he is complaining to you about this situation and if it affects the two of you,okay tell him to handle his business or shut up.Otherwise stay out of him and his ex's business,hate to sound harsh but there is nothing worse than getting between two adults who have children together!He is the one who needs to make a decision and take action not you.:cool:

[Sweetbutnotsour9]

If your husband is not pissed enough to take action,you need to leave their business alone,If he is complaining to you about this situation and if it affects the two of you,okay tell him to handle his business or shut up.Otherwise stay out of him and his ex's business,hate to sound harsh but there is nothing worse than getting between two adults who have children together!He is the one who needs to make a decision and take action not you.:cool:

I know where you are coming from, but I think she is trying to help him, not get in the way or between the 'two'. She's watching from the sidelines and can't do anything about it herself other than to stand behind him with whatever he decides to do.

[Sweetbutnotsour9]

I just dont want it to come to the point where she is forcing him to choose between being with me and being able to see his daughter, I am afraid that then I would have no choice but to martyr myself and break up with him. I just wish that he would get some guts and stand up for himself, by telling him that that i am crossing some sort of line since she is not my daughter?

Just be there for him. Tell him you can see what all of this is doing to him. Tell him that you love him and that no matter what he decides to do you will be there.

I have a situation with my daughters father (see posting Question about modifying a court order?). When I left him, he felt that I had cheated on him (even though we had been broken up for a while before I met the man that I am currently with). There were some very damaging accusations made by my daughters father against the man that I am with. These created a lot of tension on our relationship, but when we tlak about the situation and as much as he hates my daughters father, he loves my daughter and me and therefore has told me that he will stick with me through all it!

That's all we really need. Is to know that no matter what happens, the other person will be there for us.

I hope this helps!:)

[jordan22655]

Just a little advice as I am exactly where you are. My husband is divorced from his 1st wife. They have 3 kids together. They have joint legal custody and he pays child support and has visitation. Everything was great between him and I and the kids until she found out about us. We had been dating for about 2 years "quietly" until we advised her that we were getting married. By this time she had already remarried and had 3 more kids. (She's kind of a loser.) When she found out how serious we were and that the kids knew me and liked me she did everything in her power to make it hard for us. She takes him to court every few months for something stupid, more money, etc... He finally took her back to court for full custody and after 3 years we are still in court fighting, we have spent more than $75,000 and still counting. She has made all kinds of allegations against both of us all unfounded. But the courts are crazy. My advice to you is to be very careful that you want to get involved with someone who has children with someone else. It can be great if both of them have the children's best interests at heart but if one of them doesn't then it can be very heartbreaking for all. You could end up feeling the blame for everything when all you are trying to do is be supportive to your boyfriend and his child. He needs to go to court and have a visitation order and a child support order that way if she doesn't let him see his child he has a recourse. Right now he has nothing. IF he cares about his child he would want to protect his rights. As far as you are concerned, think long and hard. There have been many days I have wanted to walk away. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. Some women are jealous and spiteful and will do everything to ruin someone else's happiness. I love my husband and I love his kids and I will stay but believe me it is harder than I ever thought it would be. Good luck to you and your boyfriend but most especially to his daughter who will ultimately pay the price for whatever happens.