[GuiltyMom]

I married a wonderful man nearly 6 years ago and we've been together for nearly 9 years. I have two children (12 & 13 year old girls) from a previous marriage. Before and after we married, I worked full time. After 9/11 and my subsequent layoff, I began working part-time so I could be here when the kids got home from school. Even part-time work doesn't leave me time to do what I need to at home! Anyway, last year I was very ill and was out of work for 4 months plus. Because of this I've had to make a lot of changes, including a massive change in diet, stress, etc. My husband has been very supportive through it all, but now I want to ask him one more step. I'd like to be a stay-at-home wife and mother and take care of my family properly. Maybe my illness has put things in perspective, maybe I want to be at home more, maybe I'm just getting tired - I'm not sure. With me not working, it will mean a real life-style adjustment, but I would so welcome a kinder, gentler life (if you can have one with teenage girls? ). How do I tell my husband? I feel so guilty already about him making most of the money and supporting us. How do I balance mommy guilt and wife guilt? Help!

[NeedKarma]

I'm not sure if you are really feeling 'mommy guilt'. 12 and 13 year olds are very independent and workign pert-time would leave you more than enough time with them considering that they are in school. Perhaps you should find out exactly why it is that you want to be at home. You don't like your job? Worried about your health? It's time for a little introspection before you involved your husband so that you can tell him the real reason.

[fredg]

Hi, GuiltyMom,
It could be that you have had time to "wake up and smell the roses". Talking with your husband would be a good way to resolve this.
Please don't feel "guilty" about all this. Sounds like you have either worked full-time or part-time most all your life. If you really don't have to work, and can manage finances without it, then go for it.
You can always return to work later, when the kids are grown. Ours have moved away, for better jobs, marriage, etc.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful man, and I am sure he is willing to listen to you, and talk about it. Being a one-income family is nothing to feel guilty about. I do wish you the best of luck, and hang in there.

[Fr_Chuck]

Mom's staying at home was the way it was for years and years.

Of course you don't have cows to milk or butter to churn but a mom has a lot of duties and a wife has a lot of duties keeping the house and making a home.

It is so important and sadly too many women have forgotten it.

The guilt should be when you have to work and not be there with your family. I know that intodays costly world it is hard for one perosn to be the bread winner. As of late my wife has had to work since my job is not paying like it used to. And my wife has felt so guilty at not being home, since she has alwayss felt her first duty was to her child and husband as mother and wife.

This has nothing to do with rights or equal anything, merely the proper banlance in family life.

[DJ 'H']

As Needkarma said you need to work out why it is you want to be at home?

Working part time is fine. Teenagers like to be independent. My mum worked part time when my older brother and I were teens and we have not been affected in the slightest, she was always there when we got home from school, there to cook our tea (although I did the cooking from time to time) and we know that she loves us Etc

My mum is now a Florist and runs her business from home. So she is there pretty much all the time, even though my older brother and I are very rarely at home (we are always out doing something) but we are in our 20's now.

Perhaps you could get a job where you can work from home and at your own pace? Just a thought!

[talaniman]

Why don't you sit your husband down and just talk to him?:cool:

[DJ 'H']

Why don't you sit your husband down and just talk to him?:cool:

He will understand! He is your husband after all - he may even be able to help you make sense of why you are feeling this way. He knows you better that anyone.

[phillysteakandcheese]

If you can swing it financially, I don't see a problem.

But –

If you've racked up major credit card bills and have commitment to car payments, and/or other financial obligations, and did so because you were working and going to pay for it, it would be very unfair to drop those obligations on your husband/family because you now want to become a stay at home mom.

I'm not saying that to be nasty, just pointing out that those major lifestyle changes you mention may have been part of choices made earlier on that still have to be kept up.

[bizygurl]

I think everyone here has made a good point.

I am a stay @ home mom myself. I was working odd jobs here and there because I never got my college degree because we started a family earlier. My two girls are seven and three and a hlf. My husband and I made the decision for to me to stay home because For what we paid in daycare expenses for both our girls was way too much for what I was being paid. We are not rich people, and I have to say it does make a difference in your finances. My husband does have a decent job. And we can survive on it, but we are constantly trying to find ways to cut corners. With two mortgages money tends to get tight. I now have just started going back to school for Medical assisting because I want our family to live comfortably and not worry about money as much as we do now. But ounce again Ill have $16,000 in financial aid to pay back ounce I graduate, so Ill have to get a job quickly,no pressure like that pressure.

But I will have to say I do think making the decision to stay@home when your kids are older is a different than the decision to stay@home when they are younger. Some would disagree because most would think that younger kids need there parents a little more but Ilook at it different. All kids at any age do, but younger kids can adapt to change then older kids. If both parents have to work, little kids I think deal with it better than older children. I always thought pre teens and/or teens need there parents as much as possible because it can be such a rough and confusing time in their lives, its good for them to now that your not so bogged down with working all the time and that you can spend some quality time with them.
I think that if you and your family can swing in financially then do it. If this is something that if you don't do you will be miserable, tell your husband. Im sure he would consider and value what your feeling, especially seeing what you went through with your illness. I think if anyone went through what you did, more people would want to be with there family then be at a job. Those kind of things puts your life into perspective. Tell us how it goes, and Good luck.

[GuiltyMom]

You have all given me a lot to think about over the last few days, thanks! So here's more food for thought... I'd love all your feedback again. It's not only just being home when the kids get home from school, it's so much more. It's not being able to spend much time with them because after working all day and running them around to their different sports, parties, etc. I seem to spend all of the rest of my time either doing chores, cooking and running errands or worrying about how I'm going to get them done! Then my poor husband comes home and works just as hard when he gets home as he does in the office just so we can get it all done! So we don't have much family time together or much husband & wife time together. We always said "when the kids get older..." we just figured we'd have more time for ourselves, but it seems to get worse, not better. Any thoughts?

[talaniman]

As an empty nester,you'll have loads of time to spend doing whatever you want.Except when the kids bring the grans over,but even that is a most enjoyable time.They grow up and leave before you know it,so be patient its only a matter of time.Enjoy them now case you will miss them.:cool:

[DJ 'H']

Chores etc - is just something that has to be done. If you were to get the kids involved in the chores, you would get them done a lot more quick, teach them some responsibility and then have a little time to spare to spend with each other. It can be something simple, like having a family game of Uno - it's a great game, and something I used to play with my parents and brothers a lot when I was growing up. We also used to play a lot of other card games. Or even allocating one day over a weekend to have a dayout - does not have to be anything expensive. When the weather was nice, my Dad used to take us out to a nice open field (open to the public). We used to fly kites, have a game of rounders and have a nice picnic. Our cousins etc would come with us and it used to be so nice - it's a really good way for the family to bond and created lots of good fun memories.

We even used to go food shopping with my Mum and Dad (sounds lame) but we used to help do the shopping and at the same time we spending time with out parents. I used to enjoy food shopping when I was younger - if I was good I usede to be able to pick out a treat; something we would not normaly buy.

You can still work part time! It just means roping the kids in to help you out a bit more, so that you all have some spare time for each other. My parents did the very same with me and my brothers and we have grown up very independent and able to manage our time well.

I am 21yrs old now, work full time Monday - Friday 9am-5pm, and work part time maybe one or two evenings and for a few hours over a weekend DJing. I still find time to spend with my boyfriend and my family and even my friends.

[bizygurl]

DJ'H, since I can't comment on your post, Ill post another post here. That was a very good answer. I think its very important to have kids get involved and help out around the house. And starting from a very young age, with simple things is a great idea.

My mom stayed at home with me and my two younger brothers until we were in our early teens. We did a lot of things woth her during the day. And on the weekends my dad would have this tradition that every Saturday that he would take me and my brothers out for breakfast. It was nice because it was always something to look forward too.
I also loved going grocery shopping. Its funny how all kids do, My seven year old gets mad if I happen to do the grocery shopping while she's in school.

[wynelle]

My opinion?

First, are you receiving any type of child support for your two daughters?

Second, is your family financial enough to handle the lack of income from your part-time job?

If there are any family debts or obligations- mortgage, car, private school, credit cards, etc- that were made anticipating the extra income from your work, then I think you need to work at least part-time until these are under control.

There are a lot of couples where both parents have to work full-time and keep the household chores. It started back in the sixties, where the moms would work to help with something special, then evolved into working just to help pay the bills. Your preteen/teens should be helping with the chores-- at least cleaning their own rooms, washing, drying, folding their own clothes, washing and putting the dishes, etc.

Teen-age children don't really need their parents around during the day. In fact, after they start school, they don't really needs parents around the day. So this sounds more like something for you rather than something for them.

You need to talk to your husband, and have an itemized budget plan showing how exactly money is currently being spent and saved; and exactly what would have to be changed in order to accommodate for your loss in income. You may find out that teenagers are more expensive- more clothing costs, car insurance, more expensive after-school activities, etc. While you might think it doable financially, he might not. And he might prefer that if there is extra money, it is going into savngs or college funds etc.

[momincali]

Everyone has given you such great advice so far. (Bizygurl, your daughter is going to have to talk to my daughter about the fun side of grocery shopping cause she hates it!) I do understand wanting to be home for your children and your husband. There is almost always a way to cut corners and afford you the opportunity to stay home and you should never feel guilty about wanting to do the right thing. I know for a fact that your kids will be much better off with you at home because these are very crucial years. I also believe that they should be required to help out with chores. It's nice that they have sports and all but you should organize their time so that they make time to help you too. It will be a load off your shoulders and you will be raising responsible, considerate young ladies to boot.

If you can find a part time job, just a few hours a day, a few days a week, this will bring in a little income and afford you the time you want to spend with your family. However, I think it's important to realize that sometimes, it's okay to leave the house a little messy if it means you won't be stressed out or too tired to hang with your hubby and kids, they should come before the house.

[chipster61]

My Two Cents. It really comes down to a matter of economics as some of the replies have indicated. However, if you and your husband agree that you can stay home, in my humble opinion, you have no reason to feel "guilty". I work at home 2 days a week, and when I am there, all I see my wife do is run around all day doing chores, running errands, making calls etc. Staying at home taking care of the home front is no picnic. I get exhausted just watching her. She is a stay at home mom but by no means does that mean she is not working. My job requires me to sit all day and stay near by pcs as a trader. Hers, ha! If I see her sit for more than a minute that's a lot. So no guilt trips there. You'll have plenty to do. My wife does say she wishes she worked, but I tell her as it is she does more than her fair share. Again if the family economics and changes to compensate for income shortages allow you to stay home, your family will be all the better for it, when the kids and husband come home where "everyone" can have a nice dinner and relax. Still if the economic situation is such where it may not be possible then as mentioned in previous replies a part time job may help if necessary. Most important is that if by you being at home helps the family spend more quality time together, then how can you put a price on that. Well I can go on but I did say just two cents.