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Dr Watson · Feb 22, 2008, 11:01 AM

For 2 weeks... is this "break" simply a pre curser to break up? Been a week today and I am not handling it very well... could use some advice. She started a new job/career several months ago and it is very demanding with a lot of travel... and our together time has dropped to nearly nothing... then last Saturday she asked for the "break", said we had been getting on each others nerves lately and maybe this would help. Said she still loves me, and has contacted be a couple of times this week, but sense the beginning of the end... relationships need work, not abandonment... I am using an aternative form of no contact, in that I'm waiting for her to contact me... is this the right approach? If we were indeed breaking up, I know what to do, but in this case... I don't know.

susangpyp · Feb 22, 2008, 11:28 AM

It may well be. She might be under a lot of stress and can't objectively reason out reasons for staying or leaving. She might need time and space and no arguments to figure it out.

Sometimes relationships do need to end for whatever reasons. Other times they require work but both people must be committed to doing the work. She might think she loves you and would love to work on the relationship but she's just not in a place to do that. Or she might think that she loves you and wants to work on it. She may need the two weeks to figure out which one it is.

Sometimes people don't want to be in relationships that require more work than they are able to put into it. That's not a bad thing... it means you are a good person, I am a good person, our relationship has had good times but in the long term, during the stressful times, this is not the one for me.

It is very hard but it sounds like she is trying to figure out if your relationship is salvage-able and if she is able to do what needs to be done to salvage it. I would give her the two weeks but not allow yourself to be strung along for ever.

It's been a week. Give it another week and see how things are going... and check back in with us!!

Dr Watson · Feb 22, 2008, 12:28 PM

Thanks Susan, afraid of that just didn't want to admit it. The signs have been there for a while, I must have been in denial to a degree. I'll give her another week, but should I try and contact her, it was agreed we could talk, or just wait... seems I don't have much to lose. You don't know us but we have been very happy... and this is a shock and deeply sad, I am sure for both of us... but then it is not over. Yet.

talaniman · Feb 22, 2008, 05:16 PM

Never in my life, will I understand why, when someone wants a break from us, we just say okay, and wait for them to let us know if its okay to be back in a relationship. Who gave them total control of this thing anyway? Oh, YOU DID, and she knows it. I'll bet she really misses you, and cries knowing your sitting just anxious for the all clear signal. I am being sarcastic, but the point is, its pathetic to sit and wait for permission from someone. No contact is great, if you use it to heal, not heel, as in dogs commanded to sit. Get some balls, and get a life, and leave her alone while you find some love for yourself, and a little dignity, that she does not control you. She wants space, instead of working on this thing, give her all she can handle.

Dr Watson · Feb 27, 2008, 12:15 PM

Susan, you asked me to check back in after this week, well it hasn't been a week, but she wants to meet tomorrow night. It has been a rough few days, since I was on here last. There has been very little contact between us through this "break" we are taking. Just a couple of phone calls, but she wanted space and I am trying to give it to her. Not that I believe that will accomplish anything. Rough Sat/Sun wondering about her... stayed busy, tried not to think about her, but to little avail. But during all of this I have begun getting ready, as much as one can, for the inevitable... the "break" to become the "break up".

The fact she is just taking a break has made it tougher not to "hope", that "hope" is the hardest. When I know for sure we are breaking up and not just assuming, it will be easier, believe it or not, to move on.

Regardless, I have been trying to stop the denial... and start to accept what has really been going on and that is that she has left and just hasn't figured out how to tell me.

Susan, you asked me to give it another week. I couldn't do it... I had to try and begin to move on, not that she knows that, she doesn't.

Now she has set the date, tomorrow night. All the preparation I've done the last 4/5 days was worthless. I was so excited to see her text my heart was racing. Then when what she had to say sunk in... the utter devestation, like the wind being knocked out of me.

I woke up this morning at 3am knowing I had moved on and this sadness swept over me at that realization. Then this emotional moment this morning. I am such a basket case. Thank goodness no one know that but me!

I am writing today, in case I don't make it through tomorrow night! Lol... kidding

BMI · Feb 27, 2008, 12:30 PM

Dr. Watson, what you said about nobody knowing you're a basket case is untrue. I now know you are a basket case as well as all others that read or will read your post:)

Kidding aside, you seem to be wallowing in self-misery at this point, over what I have no idea. One does not project what one has no clue about. You have no idea what tomorrow night will hold in store, you only think it will be the end. Sounds like your just fine with leaving it like that and retiring at night wraped up in you blanket of sadness, c'mon man!! If you meanwhatyou say than show up tomorrow unshaven, unkept, shirt hanging out, who needs socks anyway appearance and let her know what's going on.

You know nothing of tomorrow, face it like a man, go, find out, deal with it as it comes.

confused25 · Feb 27, 2008, 02:50 PM

BMI makes another good point. The truth is that you have no idea what is going to happen when you talk to her. It's good to be prepared for the worst but at the same time don't jump to conclusions.

You don't want to be a part of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Dr Watson · Feb 29, 2008, 10:15 AM

Thanks for your responses, and you were right.

I had my meeting last night and she did NOT break up with me. She had a meeting with a counselor and we talked about how that went. We talked about what we could do to make things work better in the future. Compromise, in other words, on some issues. And made plans to meet again this weekend and talk one more time. No one knows how this one will turn out and I won't make the mistake of jumping to conclusions as before. I must say I feel better today and stronger.

The 2 weeks is up on Saturday, Susan, you recommended I give it that much.

BMI · Feb 29, 2008, 10:23 AM

Good stuff Dr.W.

Glad it acted out better than you thought.

Dr Watson · Feb 29, 2008, 11:05 AM

Thanks BMI... rough 2 weeks for me! Geez... still not over, but I am better prepared for whatever happens. I feel clear minded and in more of an acceptance phase than anything... I found out last night (I haven't breathed a word to her how I have felt, only this board) that I do have power in this. Myself esteem and confidence are up considerably right now. Not because of hope, but because I am beginning to take my life back. I had lost that and that is precisely why our relationship broke down. I had lost that... and it may have cost me a most special person. I won't make that mistake again, regardless of what happens now.

A lesson in life for us all.

BMI · Feb 29, 2008, 11:45 AM

Sounds as if you have learned much from this situation. Its funny how we learn more about ourselves in times of despair rather than joy. I suspect there is something to learn from every situation we humans may encounter, good on you for identifying this one, I believe whatever happens with your current relationship this knowledge will go far.

confused25 · Feb 29, 2008, 04:56 PM

I'm happy to hear that things are going well. It was a smart move on the part of your girlfriend to see a counselor. I wish more people did that before calling it quits, it might save some of us a lot of the grief that comes with a break-up.

Dr Watson · Mar 3, 2008, 09:24 AM

I know this is probably redundant to most of you, but it seems to be somewhat theraputic for me, so I will continue with this update on my Sunday night meeting turned phone call.

My girlfriend called last night and we went over again, why she wanted this break and the same stuff we talked about Thursday. She reaffirmed that we were NOT broke up, just on a break. We talked a little about missing each other and in the end, "I love you"... "me too".

It has been 2 full weeks. I asked her how long was this going to last? She told me she just didn't know. I started, last week, concentrating on me and finding a little self esteem and self respect for myself again... moving on actually. So each day seems a tiny bit better for me... any advice for me? I could have ended it last night.

talaniman · Mar 3, 2008, 11:10 AM

I asked her how long was this going to last? She told me she just didn't know.

I can only refer you to my previous comment on page one.

Dr Watson · Mar 3, 2008, 12:08 PM

Simple as that.

talaniman · Mar 3, 2008, 01:06 PM

Simple as that.

Dr Watson · Mar 13, 2008, 10:57 AM

Been a while since I took talaniman's most recent advice. It has been NC since on my part and in return NC from her end either. This is not easy, each day is filled with different emotions. I am aware of them but try and keep them at arm's length and not always successful. There are good days, but the bad ones still out number the former. I have stayed busy at work, increased my time at the gym and am looking into a tai chi class...

Still not easy today, but getting by. Then... today she texts me. 'Hoping that I am okay and letting me know how busy she has been at work'. A simple enough text under normal circumstances... this one knocked the wind out me. Why?

Romefalls19 · Mar 13, 2008, 11:08 AM

I am only going to guess at it, but because you still hold out hope for the two of you. So naturally you see any contact from her as a good thing. Which it very well could be, but also could be her way of keeping you on the line.

You are going to have good days and bad days. I still have them and it's been 3 months for me. I still have thoughts of my ex but they are less frequent, so things do get better. If you read my posts from when I first started on here, they were pathetic. I put my ex on the highest possible point. Continue with NC and just "let it roll" whatever happens, happens for a reason. We have NO control over what events come into our life.

talaniman · Mar 13, 2008, 12:39 PM

Whatever her reasons, stick with no contact. Your supposed to wonder about why she texts, and what it means, as your still very fresh into this. That you have good days, and bad is normal, as we all go through this period. It is important to realize that her feelings, and motivations, are irrelevant, at this point in time. Your coping, and getting emotionally sound, is the only objective that means anything, and its your time, NOT hers. Don't forget that during the chaos, and confusion. Put your own interests first.

confused25 · Mar 13, 2008, 12:52 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I am only going to guess at it, but because you still hold out hope for the two of you. So naturally you see any contact from her as a good thing. Which it very well could be, but also could be her way of keeping you on the line.

You are going to have good days and bad days. I still have them and it's been 3 months for me. I still have thoughts of my ex but they are less frequent, so things do get better. If you read my posts from when I first started on here, they were pathetic. I put my ex on the highest possible point. Continue with NC and just "let it roll" whatever happens, happens for a reason. We have NO control over what events come into our life.

Rome makes a good point. You'll have some good days and plenty of bad days. I haven't talked to my ex-girlfriend in 3 months. I see her every now and then but we never talk. You just got to hold your head up high and keep moving forward.