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SpyBorg82 · Feb 20, 2008, 12:33 PM

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now. I am 26 and she is 27. Her and I have been discussing marriage. I love her a lot, but feel as if her family is asserting themselves too much into my life. The other day her parents told her that she doesn't spend a lot of time with them since she is spending a lot of time with me. They also said that they don't know if I really care for her or not.

Now, her and I tell each other all the time and spend a lot of time together because we do love each other. The parents feel that I should be spending more time with them, as well as telling them how much I love their daughter. I feel as if I have told them this because both parents have asked me recently if I am going to marry their daughter. I told them I will be doing soon, I just want to finish my masters degree. I also told them that her and I are saving up for a down payment on a house together. They see I treat her with love and respect. Therefore I don't understand why they would feel this way. I am also afraid that if they are doing this now, are they going to suggest ways for me on how to be a husband, or be a father to my children??

How do I handle this situation? I am so confused, and feel as if the parents asserting themselves way too much into my life.

talaniman · Feb 20, 2008, 02:14 PM

Be respectful, but you and your g/f can do whatever you want. They can give suggestions, but you still must follow your own path and be your own person. I was raised to be respectful to all my elders, but still did my own thing. Its not what you say, or do, its how you do it.

SpyBorg82 · Feb 20, 2008, 03:34 PM

That's true... but she never raises it as an issue or as a suggestion until her parents say something.

talaniman · Feb 20, 2008, 03:37 PM

I'm confused, what does she raise as an issue?

kp2171 · Feb 20, 2008, 03:42 PM

Try to do as suggested... relax and be respectful... that doesn't mean be a doormat.. but be patient.

I married a beautiful, strong italian woman who had a 13 year old child. The girl didn't care for me so much, and my wife's father was 180 degrees different in some ways... he didn't hate me... but he loved his daughter, he loved his granddaughter, and they were his first priority.

Well... all I can tell you is time and actions can make things better. In time, the father saw that I was committed to both his daughter and granddaughter. In time, the granddaughter came to love me, and we have a great relationship. And in time, the father came to see me as a man "worthy" of being in the family.

So... your actions speak volumes. Be a good man. Be a good husband. Be a good father. If that doesn't turn them around... the problem is them, not you.

lacuran8626 · Feb 20, 2008, 03:56 PM

This seems like an easy fix to me. Invite them to dinner, and set their minds at ease. They are concerned for their daughter, and want to make sure that with as involved with you as she is, that you have honorable intentions and are not going to hurt her in any way.

I suggest that at dinner, you propose a toast to them, thanking them for raising the perfect woman for you. Then compliment her profusely - talking about her good attributes (as for physical, just say she's beautiful and then focus on her personality and values and things like that). Reassure all three of them that you look forward to the day when you can put a ring on her finger, and explain that you want to make sure you measure up and deserve someone as good as her, so you want to be done with school so that you can focus on starting a family together.

You may find that they meddle a lot, and you may find that they expect a lot of time with their daughter and with both of you. You can manage that in time. Right now, they want to get to know you better, which is understandable.

You should also ask for their blessing before you officially propose. They sound like old fashioned parents, and this gesture will go a long way, even if it's a little uncomfortable to do.

In other words, be a complete gentleman, and tell them the things they want to hear - that their daughter is a one of a kind treasure. It sounds like you agree with them on that point.

Best wishes!

peggyhill · Feb 20, 2008, 04:29 PM

Welcome to dealing with the in-laws, lol! They probably still see your girlfriend as their little girl and want to make absolutely sure that you are right for her. They realize that she is growing up and approaching a different point in her life, one in which she will marry soon, and they want to make sure she still spends time with them. Chances are, yes, they will give you their opinion on many situations in the future. Just try to grin and bear it, be polite, but don't let it get to you. You and your girlfriend are adults, and while you can listen to their opinion, you don't have to take it or agree with it.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 20, 2008, 05:53 PM

The one question I don't know is what country do you live in.
And / OR what nationality are you.

I have seen a gentlemen from one culture call the police to take his wife to wife jail, because she failed to show his mother proper respect. The mother was sick and the daughter in law would not wish her to get better.
He would not allow her back into the house that night.

So often here in the US we do not fully understand other nations culture.
If your culture includes having a lot more parent control, then yes perhaps including them on the discussions of marriage would have been the proper thing to do within your culture