[Kelly32]

I have been married for nine years. I have three children under the age of 8. I feel like I want a divorce, however, I am scared. For the past several years, my husband and I go through this cycle. We get along great for a couple of months, and then if I get him angry, he decides to stay out all day and night with his brother drinking. I get so frustrated with him that I call him several times to try to get him home. I get very impulsive. I feel like he brings out the worst in me. I was never like this before I met him. I just do not feel that I should be treated this way. I work full-time as a teacher and take care of our three children. He is currently unemployed, and is looking for work. Hopefully someone has some good advice out there.

[Fr_Chuck]

He should ( and you if you do) stop drinking, wonders happen when no drinking happens.

[oneguyinohio]

If you feel the worst is being brought out in you, think about how you might react differently. For example, if he goes out drinking with his brother, decide not to call. Think of it as his way of blowing off steam or something positive for you... if he cools off, he can be more rational... just a thought... what would happen if you don't try to get him home? Figure that he is a big boy and knows the way... You have three children, and don't have to play the mother role for him as well. That might help with some of the frustration that you are feeling. As a teacher, I am sure you know about attention seeking behaviors that people develop, so trying to take a step back in your personal situation and figure out the triggers and possible alternative responses that you can use when needed might allow for a different interaction to unfold when those triggers arise.
Give him the chance to be the responsible party and the consequences that come from the responsibility without feeling like it is a reflection on you if mistakes are made.

[Marriedguy]

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is not working. Divorce is very stressful and scary event it is totally natural to feel this way.

First: There are a lot of details missing which makes it difficult to give you advice. This cycle what are the circumstances surround it?

Second: The way you worded it “If I get him angry” raise a concern. Is your husband verbally or physically abusive?

I really wouldn't advise someone to end a nine years relationship if the relationship could be repaired.

I don't advise someone to stay in a relationship when they are not happy. When don't marry someone because the make us unhappy.

[N0help4u]

If you are getting angry AND THEN he is using that as an excuse to stay out drinking all night YOU have to try and change the pattern. Even if he still goes out drinking all night he can't point the finger at you.
When you are going through the good cycle reaffirm and enforce positively how much you like the time when things are going this way.
Avoid negativity and nagging, I see so many girls doing that to their guy and then they wonder why things don't feel right or why things aren't going well.

[Kelly32]

My husband stays out all night drinking at his brother's house without calling. He continues to drink until he cannot drive home until morning. He states that he does not call me because he knows that I will be upset with him. He does this on the average of 3-4 per year so times more. I do not know if I am being too harsh, but I cannot continue to go through this cycle. I hear the same stories each time that he is going to stop and it is not worth it and that he loves me more than anything. He always states that he does not want to lose his family. I have three children. I am thinking about a legal separation. I need some advice.

[Fr_Chuck]

Is he sleeping o the couch for a fw weeks each time?

I don't believe in drinking to the point of not being able to do something,
I would assume he is also driking a lot at home and other times also.

Now for one issue, staying out all night with his brother 4 times a year OK sorry if it was not for getting drunk, it is a mans time out with family or friends,
That should be something both sides should do if they want to.

[450donn]

Before a separation, maybe you should be thinking of counselling. How much does he drink in a normal week? I would be willing to bet a lot. He needs to dry out completely if he is serious about keeping his family together. That means no more going to his brothers and getting drunk, no more stopping at the tavern for a few with the boys, nothing, AA is a great organization and it soulds like it is time to tell him that or else.

[talaniman]

From what you have written, your being way to harsh. Is there anything else you don't like, since you know where he is, with whom, and is in a safe place, and 3/4 times a year is tame in my book.

Why does he need to call??

I think you really need to lighten up, if this is all your worried about.

[southerngalps]

From a woman's point of view 3-4 times a year is nothing. At least he is not driving home when he drinks that much. He could kill someone. I would worry if it was 3-4 times a week.

[Kelly32]

My husband stayed out all night with his friends. No phone call. His choice of friends are scum and like to party around the clock. One still lives at home with his parents, and both friends do not have jobs. As I am writing this, he is still not home. He seems to purposely fight with me to hang out with these so-called friends. I am 36 years old and feel that this kind of behavior is disrespectful. We have been married for 11 years with 3 children. I am feeling so irritated that I feel like I deserve so much better than this. What kind of man stays out all night partying with his friends? He is not in his 20's anymore. I do not mind him going out, but I wish he could be responsible and have a few and come home at a reasonable time. I feel so angry and do not want to be treated this way anymore. I feel I am an independent and strong woman, and want to get out of this marriage, but the thought of divorce scares me.

[mcfalin]

The thought of staying with this scumbag is worse. Sounds like psychological abuse to me. I can relate to emotional and psycho abuse. Get the courage and leave

[myagony1234]

I feel so sorry for you.
It is not acceptable at all.
Married men should stay with wife and children. Period.
Abandoning family, hanging out, and partying all night without phone calls? He is asking divorce. You better find out what else he does besides of party if he PURPOSELY exits himself. Men do not divorce for drinking buddy. I have a feeling that something else is going on here also.
Please find out what he is doing first, and do some counseling before you call divorce.
Stay strong and healthy. Cheers.

[mcfalin]

Stay srong with whatever your decision is and plan carefully. Sounds like you are in a lot of pain

[Kelly32]

Thanks, I am trying to stay strong, but it is so hard.

[Devorameira]

I can sympathize with you, as my first husband did the same thing. Not all situations are the same, but, sorry to say, mine ended in divorce.

You got to put your foot down and give this man the ultimatum. He chooses to go out and party while you're at home raising your kids. All that stuff should be behind him because he chose the life of being married and having kids- a family man. I would just tell him up front that you're sick of him going out and coming home in the morning.

I don't want to throw any curve balls your way, but are you sure he isn't cheating on you?

Yeah you just got to end it and put a stop to it, otherwise its just going to keep getting worse. And if he hasn't cheated yet, trust me he soon will if this keeps going on.

[Jake2008]

I am not condoning his behaviour, but I'm curious if this is a relatively new thing in your marriage.

Does he have a problem with alcohol?

There has to be a reason, that is if this is new behaviour, as to why he is doing this.

[Kelly32]

No, it is not a new thing. It is a pattern with him. He does this 3-4times per year and binges. I usually will not talk with him for a few days, and then he apologizes stating that it will never happen again and loves me. I forgive him, and then we are good until the next binge. I just feel I need to break the cycle, but when he apologizes the pain goes away. I really feel this time though that I need to stop this from continuing.

[Jake2008]

I suspected an alcohol problem. I presume he has never addressed this with a counsellor.

I think it leaves a very empty feeling when it happens. You have trusted him not do to it again, and he realizes at the time, after he's apologized, that it was the wrong thing to do. You believe him, and your trust eventually returns, but the binge happens again. At some point you won't be able to forgive him because you will no longer be able to trust him. You know the heartbreak is just around the corner, and you can't stop it, and he won't stop it.

He is making choices for all the things you already know. He's being selfish, he's not fully committed to making a chage about his binging, he will use you as an excuse to get hammered (picking fights to justify it as you've said), and once he has his drinking done, he is like a lost puppy looking for forgiveness. Hard not to believe the words and actions when they are, at the moment, sincere.

It may be time to get into counselling, either by yourself, for with him, if he's willing. If he can go and truly be honest about addressing the fallout of his behaviour, and if he can honestly try to change, there is hope.

But, when it reaches the point of no return, and all promises and remorse from him falls on deaf ears because it is never going to happen that he will stop, then you have some decisions to make.

It is easy to fall in love with a person who has problems with alcohol, and stress, and depression and anything else under the sun. But, when the person who sits at home worrying and angry at yet another about of disrespect between the eyes, eventually apologies are just not enough to mend the damage that has occurred over time.

Before it reaches the point of no return, do your best to get counselling. When his behaviour is no longer excuseable, and he has to make some decisions, he may very well be willing.

But, to sit and do nothing but stew about it, won't make it stop, and won't make it go away, and it won't make his promises stick. He needs help, and in my opinion, you need to understand why you cannot change him. If he's given the tools to work on himself, and things still don't work out, he has only himself to blame.

[Kelly32]

Thanks for your advice. It really feels good to have support!