[talaniman]

The only thing fake about this marriage is YOU.

[simoneaugie]

Yes, you have violated rules made for those who fear the devil. They know a lot about life and how to make it work while they fear themselves. You are not crazy, you are in pain, lying to oneself does that. You cheated? So what? What will you do now? That, I think was what you were asking. My answer remains the same. Tell yourself the truth and follow your heart.

[talaniman]

follow your heart.

That what is at the root of his problem. Follow your heart, is just a selfish way to say, screw everyone, this is what I want. To bad for you!

[kp2171]

Yep...

A healthy, sustainable relationship isn't all heart or all mind. Takes balance.

[simoneaugie]

Yes, that's right, a healthy marriage takes balance. Heart, mind and soul. Perhaps what I meant, or what would be better understood, was follow your soul. The soul certainly does not tell us to "screw everyone, this is what I want. Too bad for you. "The soul says "we are all one." If he is dishonest with himself while honoring a commitment made when he was a different person, he is lying to everyone. That would make the marriage "fake." If he discovered that he preferred men for sex, what would be your advice then?

My response was in response for what he expressed as real to him now. If you feel that he is full of it, that is real for you now. No one is wrong, or right so why fight?

[dvhhen]

I went to counseling 3 times last year.

The first one asked me: “What really holds you staying in this marriage?”
I thought hard, very hard and only could say: Guilty.
“Why?”
“Because of commitments.” I listed lots.
She then said: “What’s difference between your commitments and your signature on your marriage certificate?”

The second asked: “What do you really want from life?”
I again thought hard, very hard, but couldn’t answer any.

The third one didn’t ask any sort of those hard questions but said: “I don’t think you have choice.”

The three consultants said one thing: I am wasting time.
Time = Life, which everyone seems to know, but not really.

[talaniman]

All due respect, was it guilt that made you get married in the first place, I don't think so. Your guilt is because you're a cheater, and a liar. That's what you need to reconcile, your own actions. No different, than any other who goes outside the marriage, and loses site of what they have, in the name of their own happiness. Now you wish to justify, and be supported, for further pain, you have cause the innocent ones in your life?? You don't deserve to be happy, until you at least, make amends to the ones you hurt. That is the only way you will find peace, is by doing the right thing by those you have cheated, through no fault of their own. Then take your lying', cheating A$$ somewhere and pray to your God, to forgive you and show you a better way. Your counselors are full of bull, if they have not pointed that out to you.

[Synnen]

Have to spread the love, KP, but I completely agree.

Great--you met this woman you once loved. You have a connection. Are you the same person you were when you loved her? Truly? And is SHE the same person SHE was?

I doubt it.

You're loving a memory, and memories have this way of getting rosier with time, all the bad stuff kind of glossed over.

That being said, you owe the woman who gave you 17 years of her life SOMETHING. She's now past her youth, with children. What are HER possibilities of finding love again? You've taken the best years of her life, and now you want to just say "oops, sorry! I never really loved you, here's the woman I loved all this time--Either I'm going to leave you for her (which is bad) or I'm going to make you feel bad for the rest of your life that I committed suicide because you wouldn't just LET me go to her"

I wouldn't blame her for wishing you dead.

You're trying to put the onus of this choice on her, trying to make it so that she's either "letting" you go, or "forcing" you to suicide.

Like KP said--Grow a pair.

It's YOUR choice. Quit trying to make your wife make it for you. And at least have the decency to quit dragging it out for her.

I understand that love is important. I just think that honor and commitments and keeping your promises are MORE important.

PS--I hope she takes you for every penny in the divorce, and your alimony settlement is awful enough that the other woman has to accept you for love only, because you won't have any money.

[dvhhen]

... Your guilt is because your a cheater, and a liar.... You don't deserve to be happy, until you at least, make amends to the ones you hurt. That is the only way you will find peace, is by doing the right thing by those you have cheated ... Your counselors are full of bull...

Hi talaniman,
I agree my counselors didn't offer much help. But you didn't neither.

I feel guilt NOT because of my cheating or lying, but maybe NO-cheating and NO-lying.
I don't deserve to be happy, NOT until I at least, make amends to the ones I hurt, but until I at least, could make amends to MYSELF! Why don't you see I hurt myself?

Lots people, who believe in God, could easily forgive those who hurt them. Because they understand: No one is responsible for anyone’s life except oneself.

I hope you are one of them.

[dvhhen]

And dear Synnen, you force me giving more facts.

The facts are:

1. I am not going to get myself into my g/f’s marriage. I don’t want her into mine neither.
2. I owe nothing to my wife. Just before getting married, I told her everything of my past. Then I said:’Please reconsider, I am a men who doesn’t know love anymore. I like you but I can’t say I really love you.” My wife responded: “I don’t care. I really love you. Life is short.”
3. Before seeing my g/f after 20 years, I asked my wife. She encouraged OK and said: “If you both still in love, you can go. she was before me, I shouldn’t be jealous.” I was so silly to believe it.
4. Then just before going to see my g/f, I saw my lawyer and signed the paper which gives every penny to my wife, if I divorce.

I only want to be free.

But in the end, my wife said: “I only need you.”

[talaniman]

Why don't you see I hurt myself?

That was YOUR choice, and hurting your family was YOUR choice also. You will never convince me you need sympathy, nor will you get my pity either. Does your family deserve the hurt, and shame you bring to yourself, and them?? What kind of man puts himself before his family? Oh I forgot, you do! Your family has my sympathy, not you.

I saw my lawyer and signed the paper which gives every penny to my wife, if I divorce.

I only want to be free.

Good if I believe you, which I don't.

[simoneaugie]

'Deciding' whether a person deserves my sympathy or empathy is a function of feeling as if, they are not part of me.

[talaniman]

'Deciding' whether a person deserves my sympathy or empathy is a function of feeling as if, they are not part of me.

Your right. My call, my decision, my feelings, my opinion. No sympathy, no empathy!

[nadologist]

I feel for you dude, I really do. A story not too dissimilar to mine. I chose to stay with my wife, cause that's what's real. What WAS real all that time ago, was another time. You should always think, if you do move on (follow the heart - which is a little dicey anyway), what guarantees are there?

Fr_chuck ended it well. You could end up with much less than you ever will have... again. Work at it, more than you did when you lost your girlfriend in the first place.

[Synnen]

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