[Askaboutme]

I was pregnant, and I told him.. Didn't get the reaction I expected from him in fact our relationship has changed drastically, he insisted that I get an abortion because it just isn't the right time for him/us and mostly because of his family long story short they never approved of our relationship because Despite their unapproval of our relationship we married.

Although we are married I feel as though they still have control over us and that he base his choices to please them and I feel that because of his decision to go against their will and marry me he punishes me for his distance between his family. If he sense that I will leave him he begins behaving differently. He wants to work our marriage out.

He has isolated himself from me and has not been supportive at all of my pregnancy, he stressed me out so much that even though I wanted to have our child I felt alone, and had an abortion last week. I have been extremely depressed, suffering from anxiety and for the most part I feel so miserable, I want to get a divorce because of this. I need someone to talk to besides the counselor I have been seeing who is not helping much with my feelings. I feel guilty I feel I did something terrible and don't think I can forgive myself my first abortion and last. My situation is so different from the women I talk to because this is my husband not just a boyfriend but my life partner we took vows.. The day we went to get the procedure I wanted him so badly to say he wanted to have the baby.. the drive he said nothing to me, after going inside and having it done, he then begin talking to me again he treated me like never before... that same night that I had the procedure he went to a family event without me and got into it with his parents and told his mother she made him do something he didn't want to do she called me to see what he was talking about I didn't mention it to her and told her to talk to her son.
He doesn't know she called me to find out the deets and what he said to her, so now I know why he made me abort I feel betrayed and angry with myself and him, I should have kept our child and left him. Now he feels guilty and cried to me about it and aplogize for putting me through this emotional turmoil, But I can't forgive him but I love him I feel at loss both ways no child and close to having a failed marriage again... I don't know what to do... :(

[jolienoire]

Sounds to me that you guys need major counseling. Was the marriage on the rocks before the pregnancy? Are finances an issue? Some men can become jealous during pregnancy as they see their time will be limited, and you will be making and spending more time with the new baby. Having a child does bare a lot of responsibilities, and what you are going through is tough enough, and I am sorry that you had to make that decision, it doesn't help that he is not supportive of you as well. There has to be something going on in his life, and I feel that you deserve an explanation. Communication is key if you want this marriage to work. However, you can not be the one giving 100% to this relationship and he is not contributing to making it work. I would suggest counseling. I don't know the details of your relationship but speaking on the outside looking in there is something missing here. If he didn't want you to become pregnant in the first place why did he not prevent it by using protection or engaging in safe sex. Married or not... If he was not ready for a child he should have made that very clear. Maybe he wanted a child and got scared when it actually happened whatever the case may be. I feel he shouldn't put all the pressure on you. Obviously , he knew what he was doing... I really think you guys need to sit down and talk about it... Again may I suggest counseling.. I see that you mentioned counseling but he needs to be involved as well.

[talaniman]

Your confusion and depression is understandable and through your own doctor get counseling whether husband goes or not, as he should be there with you. If he is not do it anyway. For you.

[Askaboutme]

Okay, I posted a thread previously about my husband wanting me to abort our first child. To my disappoinment all I wanted to hear was someone who could relate to me, someone to talk too. I didn't get the response I wanted which is okay, but I thought about my decision, and decided that I may want a separation and possibly a divorce as I feel I am going backwards. I want a man, a husband, an unselfish one, TO my surprise my insecurities has caused me to start snooping around. Not only did he put me through an emotional rollercoaster but he cheated on me! I don't know how long this has been going on but I don't want to call the women.. I confronted him! He explained that because of his guilt he wanted me to have an abortion.


He confessed that he didn't want to cheat a child because he cheated me as a WIFE, I am disguisted... The sad part Is I LOVE him...

I just told him today that I want a separation and maybe a divorce. He went ballistic, he thinks I am taking the easy way out. He doesn't understand my sadness about aborting our child and the emotional turmoil I have been facing the past couple of weeks and all because his guilt... I felt so disguisted I actually vomitted... I can't believe he cheated on me, and expects me to forgive him PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE!!

[peggyhill]

Honey, I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt and betrayed! What your husband did was horrible! He has shown you so much disrespect! I think you are 100% right about asking for a separation and divorce. Ignore what this guy tells you about that. He has the nerve to tell you that you are taking the easy way out? He is the one who cheated on you! Don't listen to him and leave him!

Have you tried talking to a counselor? It can really help in times like this. It can help you to just get through the day, and is a good and safe place to release all those emotions that I'm sure you have about this. I have talked to a counselor at times in my life when I didn't feel up to coping, and it helped me immensely. If you don't want to pay a counselor, a family member, good friend, or religious leader (if that applies to you) are all good people to turn to also. Also, there are support groups for people going through divorce. I would look them up online to find one in your area.

The only advice I can really give you right now is to move out or have him move out and try to stay as busy as possible. I know that probably doesn't help a whole lot; sorry! But, I think that if you are living away from him, you will be able to have a more clear state of mind without him guilt tripping you and whining to you. You are going to have to make some very important decisions and being away from him for a while will probably help make that process easier. You say you still love him, that happens often when people break up. You love the man you fell in love with, you know what I mean, but you have to remember that he broke his marriage vows and hurt you. Accept that he isn't the guy you thought he was. The feelings won't go away overnight, but in time, they will fade as you are confronted with his behavior. I'm so sorry you are going through this and if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here!

[Alty]

I feels so bad for you and I wish you all the best. I take it you did have the abortion, I can't imagine what you are going through because it sounds like you really wanted the child, however your circumstances right now are definitely not conducive to bringing a child into the world. Your husband had no right to put you in either of the situations you have been faced with. I realize that you still feel love for him, love is a hard emotion to relinquish no matter how we are treated. I think a part of you will always love him but I don't think he deserves your love.

I do think that seeing a counsellor (by yourself) will help you get through this ordeal. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger than it is to talk to family or friends. I hope that you find peace in your life and that things start looking better for you. We are all hear if you need us, even if you just need to vent. Take care and God Bless.

[rockerchick26]

He explained that because of his guilt he wanted me to have an abortion. He went ballistic, he thinks I am taking the easy way out. He doesnt' understand my sadness about aborting our child and the emotional turmoil I have been facing the past couple of weeks and all because his guilt ... I can't believe he cheated on me, and expects me to forgive him...

If anyone is taking the easy way out, it's him!! HE was the one who instead of dealing with the issues in your marriage resorted to cheating. HE was the one who didn't want to deal with being a father.

He obviously is in love... with HIMSELF. He only cares about his own feelings of guilt and sadness with no regard to what you think or feel.

Even though you love him, I think you are making the right decision to seperate/divorce. You know deep down that he is not what you want or need in a life partner. I believe that it is possible to recover from a cheating spouse, but he is obviously either unwilling or unable to give you the care and compassion that you deserve.

[Ash123]

Love is a Bitc--.

He knows you love him and he uses it against you....You two are DONE.

And this love you feel is based on rejection and hurt - not a soulful bond... cause that is NOT there.

Ask ROO GIRL (wherever she is)... when I call it over, it's over.

Can you handle that?

Maybe it's a relief to know... he's not the one...

Can you live somewhere else? You need to jump into action. Lawyer. Family. Job.

SORRY - but you are living in a smoking crater that is your life... get away. He's using you... someone much better is going to surprise you one day
And you will love them too...

[Alty]

I do agree that you will find someone else that deserves you and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, with love and compassion, honesty and caring. Let's all hope that he finds what he deserves as well.

[Homegirl 50]

Get some counseling for yourself to deal wth the abortion and betrayal, and leave his butt alone. He sounds life a selfish man who does not have the balls to admit that he had you abort your child and cheated because he is an azz-hole.
Leave him and don't look back

[Askaboutme]

Thanks to all of you for your responses, I am truly hurting.. I am so depressed, he sent me flowers, apologizing for his behavior, even suggested that we go on vacation, I agree with everyone here, I do feel I deserve better. I don't understand where our marriage went wrong and why I didn't suspect a thing, was I blind to not see what was going on in front of me? I keep looking at our wedding pictures and videos, how happy we were... How great he is with my two children.. my second marriage, and here I am in the same situation I was years ago with my first husband. Am I that naïve, I was too trusting of him, I didn't give him everything he wanted but I was the best wife I could be, I never questioned him, never lied or cheated haven't even thought about cheating, our sex life was healthy, our relationship was pretty much picture perfect... everyone admired our marriage.. a Perfect marriage that was far from perfect that was based on betrayal, deceit, lies, hurt and the life of an innocent child, BTW I am seeking counseling, but it seems they want me to forgive and that is just not an option for me. I feel like counseling is only reflecting ME, and I know I never had self esteem issues even after my first divorce, I was able to let him go without a question, Why can't I be strong the second time around? Why am I falling apart emotionally, I have to put on a visage in front of my coworkers, family, friends and children and pretend I am happy when deep inside, I feel like a weight is on my chest. I haven't answered any of his calls, and I had my brother change the locks.. I told him I don't want him at the house, and I don't want to see him right now... He tells me he would die without me. Should I just prepare his funeral, because I don't think I am going to ever forget what he have done, eventually I would have to forgive as the counselor suggest that is my only way to start healing. The counselor suggested we should go together, but the reality is I don't want to be in the same room as him.. How could he do this to me, and look at me and tell me he loves me… I couldn't even tell me why he cheated. “it just happened once” I don't believe that! It shouldn't have happened at all but it did, I loved him so much, I wanted this child… I wanted this marriage because I loved him, and I do love him he wasn't like this. He was always caring, and faithful.. What drove him to step out of the marriage? What made him cheat? Why couldn't he talk to me if something was wrong? Why now is he making this situation all about him? I can't stop crying I am an emotional mess, I can't even be around people, I just cry at the drop of a dime. I don't want to talk to my family as my mother is very old school, and she stayed with my father even after he cheated, and they are still in love, I can't be as strong as her, and I can't forgive him that easily…. My girlfriends are all married and happy… How can I talk to them? What do I do… I don't even know where to start… I don't feel like doing anything or seeing anyone except my children… But they sense something is wrong… L I am a mess!

[Rockabilly1955mama]

Oh honey, I am so very sorry. What a horrible thing to go through. I agree with all of the users on this one: You deserve so much better! It is his loss, and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Just hang in there girly! Have you thought about going to therepy of some kind?

[Askaboutme]

Oh honey, I am so very sorry. What a horrible thing to go through. I agree with all of the users on this one: You deserve so much better! It is his loss, and what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. Just hang in there girly! Have you thought about going to therepy of some kind?

I have been seeing counseling... counseling for the abortion, I really wanted this child and I should have kept the child and left him, but I didn't I was weak, and I let him manipulate me and tell me why we couldn't have a child right now... I was afraid to destroy my marriage, which obviously was nothing to him, and now I am at loss with a child and a husband... :-( I am more upset about the baby, I really wanted this baby, we even talked about it prior to me getting pregnant, and he seemed he wanted to begin our family, but when I told him I was pregnant, I didn't get the reaction I wanted from him... and now I found out why.. he felt guilty... afraid to loose me if I found out while I was pregnant, I don't know how or why would or could he destroy our family.

[rockerchick26]

While I know you are dealing with so much sadness about the abortion, I think you are lucky in a way that you didn't have a child with him. You would have forever been linked to him if you did have a child with him. Now you are free to start over and create a family with someone who is worthy.

[Ash123]

I am SOOOO sorry.

That is just terrible.

It is my job to not descend into this emotionally too much and provide solutions.
All I can think right now is that you must go on... going back in would be a broken
Machine that would never work 100% right. I want to say otherwise but I see no evidence to the contrary. I don't know you or him... But you need a couple years to start over. Protect yourself with family and friends and ask that he respect your wishes... if he has any respect left... and you will be fair and not lash out IF he stays away. So, you can find peace.

Witholding forgiveness is very tiring..So, forgive him for being weak and wrong for you. Let it go. Then move on.

That's just my opinion, but Godspeed whatever you do.

[Ash123]

Get angry if you can.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT. DON'T WASTE IT ALL ON SELF-PITY.

Then if you need time/months to be sad, take it.
MAKE SURE HE DOES NOT INTERFERE. AGAIN, BE CLEAR WITH HIM THAT IT IS OVER.

Then forgive.
IT WILL LET A LOT OF STRESS GO. HE HAS WEAK CHARACTER AND YOU ARE FREE NOW.

Then let go.

Do not let him interfere with your recovery. In time you will heal better if you do not hold anything back and you say what you have to say so you can make peace. Don't be so proud you get eaten up inside... that's his path perhaps -- but not yours.

PEACE. BETTER DAYS ARE COMING!

A

[Alty]

Oh sweetie I wish I could give you a hug and make you feel better, it breaks my heart that you are so sad. I don't think that any advice is going to make you feel better right now but I do know that it helps to talk about it. If you don't feel you can talk to family and friends then talk to us. We are all people you will never have to face and from the experience I've had on this site so far, knowone here will judge you. If you need a hypothetical shoulder to lean on then call on us. I can't speak for everyone, but if you need to vent you can certainly send me a personal email, I'll always respond and hopefully be able to help you through this terrible time. Just remember that you aren't the bad one in this and keep your strength, you're going to need it, not only for you but for your kids. Life will go on, I know it doesn't seem like it right now but it will, believe me.
God bless you (if it's okay for me to say that) and keep us posted, but most of all stay strong.

[Homegirl 50]

Keep up with the counseling. You are angry and hurt. Dealing with all of these feelings is a part of the healing process. At the end of all of this you will be able to let go of what you are feeling. It does not mean you'll forget it, but you won't be consummed with anger over it. Part of the dealing also involves discovering things about yourself as well, so this will be a painful process, but again, keep it up.
Make sure you feel comfortable with and trust your counselor, you may have to choose another if you feel you are being pressured to move along in the steps at a faster pace.
Hang in there. It looks dark and dreay now, but the sun will shine again for you. I wish you the best.

[peggyhill]

Hang in there! I know it is hard to forgive when things like that happen. I do think the counselor has a point that forgiving helps you to heal. But this has all just happened to you, so don't feel bad if you can't forgive yet. I think that forgiveness is a process, so don't feel bad if you can't do it yet. Sometimes it takes a while to get to that point.

You are doing the right thing by changing your locks and ignoring his calls. Of course he will say and promise anything now that he is caught. But he didn't care when he was able to cheat and get away with it, so don't be fooled by what he says to you now. Stay strong!

[talaniman]

You can forgive, but not forget. Forgiving will help you heal, and get over the hurt, guilt and anger. Not forgetting will allow you to avoid this kind of situation again. Even if you are not ready to forgive him, I strongly suggest you forgive yourself.