Check out some similar questions!

susan1984 · Feb 18, 2008, 04:57 AM

Hi I got married in Nov 2006. From the period they saw me and they fixed my marriage I did not like my husband. I even told my parents that I did not like him. But they liked him very much. So they got me married to him. He is 8 years elder to me. He is not matching to my expectations. Before my marriage I had a close friend whom I started to love a few days before my marriage and he too loved me. Till now I am true to him. As I thought him I my mind I could not consider my marriage. I want to end up my married life. Still nothing happened sexually between me and my husband. And my husband is always using abusive language and treated me in a very bad manner. I hate him like anything. Every time when ever we had problem he will tell my parents and they try to solve the problem and they make me to stay along with him. Now I'm totally vexed. I even tried Committing suicide yet my parents want s me to stay with him.. Now I want to know with what reason should I come out.. Please give a proper advise to end up my married life. I want to come out of this torchier... I m In India

Dana2007 · Feb 19, 2008, 07:37 PM

Have you looked for a forum in India for advice? I think most people on this forum are non Indians and are unfamiliar with your culture and your laws.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 19, 2008, 08:34 PM

Let me see, you got married and have been married over a year and about 1/2. And you have never had sex with your husband, no wonder he yells at you and treats you badly.

First you have not tried to make your marriage work, you have not made an effort to be a proper wife and share your life with your husband.
You need to sit down with your mother and talk with her on how you work and try and make a marriage work, and then talk with your husband and see about making a fresh start and being a committed wife trying to make a marriage work and a proper home.

Love grows when you work and try and make it work,

susan1984 · Feb 19, 2008, 09:34 PM

No but I could not mingle with him as I did not like him. He is not a better match to me. I am worrying a lot. I want to end up my life. I even tried committing suicide by taking sleeping pills. My lover is ready to accept me. But I was away from my husband for nearly 9 months and I was in another place as we had a big fight.As my parents insisted me a lot and they said that they will commit suicide I came back but every day we have a great fight. I decided not to live with him...

susan1984 · Feb 19, 2008, 09:35 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

let me see, you got married and have been married over a year and about 1/2. And you have never had sex with your husband, no wonder he yells at you and treats you badly.

First you have not tried to make your marriage work, you have not made an effort to be a proper wife and share your life with your husband.
You need to sit down with your mother and talk with her on how you work and try and make a marriage work, and then talk with your husband and see about making a fresh start and being a committed wife trying to make a marriage work and a proper home.

Love grows when you work and try and make it work,

No but I could not mingle with him as I did not like him. He is not a better match to me. I am worrying a lot. I want to end up my life. I even tried committing suicide by taking sleeping pills. My lover is ready to accept me. But I was away from my husband for nearly 9 months and I was in another place as we had a big fight.As my parents insisted me a lot and they said that they will commit suicide I came back but every day we have a great fight. I decided not to live with him...

Fr_Chuck · Feb 19, 2008, 09:40 PM

It is obvious you did not wish to give it a chance, while I do not believe in arrange marriages, in many cultures this is the norm, and actually many work better than those in the US where it is done for what peole call love, which is more often lust and sexual desires.

A person should not have a lover while married, and if they decide to marry yes they should commit and try and make it work.
And of course you could have had sex with him, but beyond that it appears you made no effort what so ever to try and make it work..
In your culture this would have been considered a disrepect of your husband, and your parents and most likely his parents.

Since you are married, already, if his was in the US, I would say you get a mrriage couselor and try and make your marriage work.

Alty · Feb 19, 2008, 09:51 PM

FrChuck- Although I don't know the culture, I just cannot understand why this is disrespect. If anyone was disrespected it was her for being forced to marry a man she hates. Love is real, maybe you haven't found it but allot of us have, myself included.

Susan-I don't know what advice to give, but I do know that suicide is not the answer. I wish you all the best of luck and hope that you can find happiness.

Gernald · Feb 19, 2008, 10:02 PM

In most culture arranged marriages can be divorced if the husband is abusive. Well you said tha he was so speak to someone besides your parents. You obviously look to them with great respect as should be done, but sometimes parents are wrong. The reason for arranged marriages is to learn to love your spouse, and for that love to become stronger and stronger over the years. (I learned this from House the other day in arranged marriages you should love the person you married MORE than the day you married them... and they say TV is useless). If this is not happening then maybe you should leave him, in a way that is socially acceptable in your culture. Then wait a while and then go to your lover. This way your parents don't totally freak out (though it sounds like they already have if they're saying they'll kill themselves). I know your parents love you, they want what is best for you.
I must ask does he have parents? Perhaps you should speak with them if you are worried since if you are Indian (?? ) and elders are supposed to be respected he will listen to them or they will be able to advise you?
Like Fr. Chuck I'm no genius when it comes to Indian marriage customs but I think the best way is to go about it in a way that is most respectful to your family and yourself.
I wish you the best, and hope you are able to find love.

susan1984 · Feb 20, 2008, 11:36 PM

Originally Posted by wheregodlive

The very strong point in your case, that I have read is you do not love your husband, and that he is also not like you at all. But you have given the first priorty to your parents, and you tried the best at your level
By now you can put across these statements as - 1- You and your husband dont like each other
2-No sexual relationship between you and him
3- When there is no attachment between you and him, there is no point of staying togather
4- You had given one chance to your parents for choosing life partner for you, and that you followed , how long your parents will solve your personal problems?
5- You can say that, you had tried the best from your end, but you can not develop luv and affection over the night and that marrige is based on love, respect and affection.
I believe all the three things are not there.
On these ground your marrige life can not survive.
I think you can put all these statement across the table and easily end this dead realtionship.
I dont think you should continue this marrige any more.
Life is beautiful. Always marry to whome who luvs you, care for u and respect your feelings.

All the best..go ahed

Hi, I wanted to add one more thing. He lost his mother as she had cancer when we came to know, that time he said we need to go to temple to pray to god for getting his mother recovered. I believed him and went along with him.He took me to him cousin's house and he mixed me sleeping pills and tried having our firstnight, these all things made me to hate him a lot... So even now I am scared to out along with him. I even told my parents regarding this but they still support him only... what to do??

nicki143 · Feb 21, 2008, 03:13 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

let me see, you got married and have been married over a year and about 1/2. And you have never had sex with your husband, no wonder he yells at you and treats you badly.

First you have not tried to make your marriage work, you have not made an effort to be a proper wife and share your life with your husband.
You need to sit down with your mother and talk with her on how you work and try and make a marriage work, and then talk with your husband and see about making a fresh start and being a committed wife trying to make a marriage work and a proper home.

Love grows when you work and try and make it work,

Would you have sex with someone you did not like.

nicki143 · Feb 21, 2008, 03:15 AM

I know people who have been in this situation. I think you should try and talk to your parents and your husband maybe the reason your husband is so angry is because he also never wanted to be in this marriage I hope this works out for you and wish you well

Gernald · Feb 21, 2008, 07:37 AM

Have you told your parents EVERYTHING? THe whole truth I mean. If they just think your being stubborn of course they'll tell you to go back to him. But if they know everything, all the stuff you told us maybe they'll listen.
If you already have, I'd say... they need to get a grip on reality. That guy is bad news.

okennedy · Feb 24, 2008, 06:40 AM

Originally Posted by susan1984

no but i could not mingle with him as i did not like him. He is not a better match to me. I am worrying a lot. I want to end up my life. I even tried commiting suicide by taking sleeping pills. My lover is ready to accept me. But I was away from my husband for nearly 9 months and i was in another place as we had a big fight.As my parents insisted me a lot and they said that they will commit suicide i came back but every day we have a great fight. I decided not to live with him...

You only have one life to live and live it to the fullest. If you are unhappy, don't sacrifice you happiness for someone else, not even your parents. If you do, you will be one bitter person, and have emotional breakdown. It is still early in the marriage, it is not too late. If you are sure about not liking the guy, then get out. Sex is no reason for him to use abusive language toward you. I have been in a marriage 23 years, and there are something I wish I had done, but it too late, we have children. Then on the other hand, if you stay in the marriage and in love with this other guy, you know what's going to happen. Be happy.

kandyfruitcake · Feb 24, 2008, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by susan1984

Hi I got married in Nov 2006. From the period they saw me and they fixed my marriage i did not like my husband. I even told my parents that i did not like him. But they liked him very much. So they got me married to him. He is 8 years elder to me. He is not matching to my expectations. Before my marriage i had a close friend whom i started to love a few days before my marriage and he too loved me. Till now i am true to him. As i thought him i my mind i could not consider my marriage. I want to end up my married life. Still nothing happened sexually between me and my husband. And my husband is always using abusive language and treated me in a very bad manner. I hate him like anything. Every time when ever we had problem he will tell my parents and they try to solve the problem and they make me to stay along with him. Now I m totally vexed. I even tried Committing suicide yet my parents want s me to stay with him..Now i want to know with what reason should i come out.. Please give a proper advise to end up my married life. I want to come out of this torchier....I m In India

Susan, was this marriage prearranged from when you were young, is this a 'honour' marriage? Did your husband bring assets to your family or honour by the joining of his family to yours? I don't know much about Indian marriage, but do have an Indian stepfather - thankfully his parents have come to terms with his being with a non-Indian woman but it's taken years. Fr Chuck - if this is an honour marriage then the family are going to have the view that she accepts the abuse that comes with the marriage, and expecting a woman to prostitute herself with a man that she as no feelings for, is asking her to allow compliant rape, marriage vows or no. Marriage is supposed to be between two people who love and CHOSE each other - this isn't. This is an arrangement where this poor girl is a 'cash cow'. Susan, you do not commit suicide, and your parents won't either, and if they did, that would be their decision. They may have given you life - but you are not indebted to hand the rest of your natural life over to them by emotional blackmail. You need to seek independent counselling, and if that fails, seek refuge. But do not, for your own sake or his, even consider going anywhere near another man until this situation is completely dealt with.

susan1984 · Feb 24, 2008, 11:24 PM

[QUOTE=wheregodlive]The very strong point in your case, that I have read is you do not love your husband, and that he is also not like you at all. But you have given the first priorty to your parents, and you tried the best at your level
By now you can put across these statements as - 1- You and your husband don't like each other
2-No sexual relationship between you and him
3- When there is no attachment between you and him, there is no point of staying togather
4- You had given one chance to your parents for choosing life partner for you, and that you followed , how long your parents will solve your personal problems?
5- You can say that, you had tried the best from your end, but you can not develop love and affection over the night and that marrige is based on love, respect and affection.
I believe all the three things are not there.
On these ground your marrige life can not survive.
I think you can put all these statement across the table and easily end this dead relationship.
I don't think you should continue this marrige any more.
Life is beautiful. Always marry to whome who loves you, care for you and respect your feelings.

All the best.. go ahed[/QUO

Hi, I Am bit confused how to start the matter to him.. He said that he is going to tell to my parents... but one part of my heart says they will accept me later into the family... but another side I'm bit confused... PLease advise me on this... But here after I can't live with him.. I don't have any love or affection towards him... I need to end up please tel me how to start...

susan1984 · Feb 24, 2008, 11:29 PM

Originally Posted by kandyfruitcake

Susan, was this marriage prearranged from when you were young, is this a 'honour' marriage? Did your husband bring assets to your family or honour by the joining of his family to yours? I don't know much about Indian marriage, but do have an Indian stepfather - thankfully his parents have come to terms with his being with a non-Indian woman but it's taken years. Fr Chuck - if this is an honour marriage then the family are going to have the view that she accepts the abuse that comes with the marriage, and expecting a woman to prostitute herself with a man that she as no feelings for, is asking her to allow compliant rape, marriage vows or no. Marriage is supposed to be between two people who love and CHOSE each other - this isn't. This is an arrangement where this poor girl is a 'cash cow'. Susan, you do not commit suicide, and your parents won't either, and if they did, that would be their decision. They may have given you life - but you are not indebted to hand the rest of your natural life over to them by emotional blackmail. You need to seek independent counselling, and if that fails, seek refuge. But do not, for your own sake or his, even consider going anywhere near another man until this situation is completely dealt with.

Hi, I Am bit confused how to start the matter to him.. He said that he is going to tell to my parents... but one part of my heart says they will accept me later into the family... but another side I'm bit confused... PLease advise me on this... But here after I can't live with him.. I don't have any love or affection towards him... I need to end up please tel me how to start... Even my parents knows every thing but now they are totally colapsed. They have told one of my friend that they are going to take me back from him.. but that is not happening... Now adays they are not even picking my phone calls.. I even tried to seek help from my relatives, but nothing is working I need to come out of this.. when ever he is coming home I am getting really irretated and even when I think I want to return home after my work I'm getting scared to go home... previoulsy I'm not like this.. I'm losing my confidence level and I'm getting impatient

susan1984 · Feb 24, 2008, 11:33 PM

Originally Posted by Gernald

Have you told your parents EVERYTHING? THe whole truth I mean. If they just think your being stubborn of course they'll tell you to go back to him. But if they know everything, all the stuff you told us maybe they'll listen.
If you already have, I'd say...they need to get a grip on reality. That guy is bad news.

Hi, I Am bit confused how to start the matter to him.. He said that he is going to tell to my parents... but one part of my heart says they will accept me later into the family... but another side I'm bit confused... PLease advise me on this... But here after I can't live with him.. I don't have any love or affection towards him... I need to end up please tel me how to start... Even my parents knows every thing but now they are totally colapsed. They have told one of my friend that they are going to take me back from him.. but that is not happening... Now adays they are not even picking my phone calls. They are avoiding me.. I even tried to seek help from my relatives, but nothing is working I need to come out of this.. when ever he is coming home I am getting really irretated and even when I think I want to return home after my work I'm getting scared to go home... previoulsy I'm not like this.. I'm losing my confidence level and I'm getting impatient...

tashamarie80 · Feb 25, 2008, 12:00 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

let me see, you got married and have been married over a year and about 1/2. And you have never had sex with your husband, no wonder he yells at you and treats you badly.

First you have not tried to make your marriage work, you have not made an effort to be a proper wife and share your life with your husband.
You need to sit down with your mother and talk with her on how you work and try and make a marriage work, and then talk with your husband and see about making a fresh start and being a committed wife trying to make a marriage work and a proper home.

Love grows when you work and try and make it work,

Well, I am sad there was a balancer on this quote! Sure she could try to make her love grow for him by compromising and giving him a chance but nothing that she has done (or not done) is a reason to treat her badly! Your second paragraph was pretty good, just the first I am seriously disappointed in. She has stated that she has talked with her parents over and over, he goes to her parents as well to get them to side with him.

jennyrena · Feb 25, 2008, 12:29 AM

Sweetheart just the fact that you would want to take your life is enough to make me say please get some help to get your life back on track.I know your probably so confused between your family, customs , your true love and our advice. I'm sorry for you. I don't want to advise you to do anything that would cause you trouble but I can say that no matter if your in America, India, or china love makes the world go round. It is the greatest thing to have in life money can't buy it and it's worth the price you pay. And I believe in respecting your parents but I have also learned that no one is going to get you some happiness but you.be strong, be courageous, be loved. And for goodness sakes don't get pregnant by someone you hate. Love and prayers

robkelly2242 · Feb 27, 2008, 02:56 PM

What is the dowry situation? Has it been paid? Will your husband return it if you leave him? Are you in a localityt where you can get a job in a call center for an American company? Can your lover support you if you don't have employment? Remember, when man and woman are agreed, what can the Kasi do?