[confusedaboutlife]

OK, I want to start by saying that I love my wife. However; I am no happy. We have been married for 4 years and I have only been marginaly happy at times. We met, she left her country to be with me and we got married. When I was going through with the wedding, I had doubts, but attributed it to last minute jitters. Our wedding night, I wasn't very interested in having sex. I have only seen her in a sexual capacity for the first few weeks that we met, its bee 4 years and our sexlife has been almost nothing because of me. I Love her with all my heart and could not ask for a better more loyal wife, but I have started to look elsewhere at this point. I have not acted on it, but I know I may. I don't want to hurt her, but I am not sure that I was ready for marriage like I thought I was. I don't want to lose her, but I know how she feels now. I think she has been dying day by day since she has been with me. Last night, when she brought me a valentines card, I lost it and broke down and told her how sorry I was for huritng her and that I have been trying to repair the failed part of the relationships for the entire time we have been married. I know she would have left me by now if it weren't for the fact that she is out of her country and here with me. I know she loves me, but I know we are not happy. I don't want to end it, but I am ready to either fix it or move on... I hurt her so bad last night by telling her almost everything I have said here. I have not told her that I have considered looking around though. I don't think she needs that. Is this repairable? Is there a chance? I just don tknow what to do... I don't want to lose her, I am selfish I guess... But I love her and want to take care of her, I just want her happy at this point.. . anybody? Input please.

[MasuBhat]

I'm sorry I couldn't help but still hope you best of luck.

[confusedaboutlife]

I will def take anyone's comments. I talked to her on the phone not to long age at work and she is sooooooooo sad, as am I. I just don't know what to do, she is a great woman, I just don't know what I want at this point.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

When you marry someone you make a COMMITMENT to them. Do you not understand that concept?

You said you were unsure of yourself before you married her. So why did you? You keep saying she is a great woman so what is it really then?

[confusedaboutlife]

I don't see her in a sexual manner at all, even though she is beautiful. It has been asource of trouble in our relationship since we have been married. I just can't keep going on with it hurting her, and causing more trouble between us as the tension builds from her anger of feeling inadequate. I am not sure what direction to take at this point. But she said that had she been in her home country, she would have left me by now... She stayd for that and the hope of us turning a corner.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

What is it about your' relationship that makes you want to quit? Do you treat her iwith disrespect? Does you attitude stink?

[confusedaboutlife]

I treat her with respect, but I think we are more comfortble as friends than anything else. I just don't know how to fix it, she loves me, but I think I have hurt her too much to get past it- I am sure it will always be in the back of her mind how much different I was after we got married. I was not a real jerk, but the romance left almost immediately. Its mostly my fault I think.

[relationship runner]

Im so sorry about what your going threw and I wish you and your wife the best of luck just keep trying and pray on it god will see you threw.Me and my husband are going threw similar problems and reading your story has given me the courage I need to try again and this time I mean really try

[Dale B]

Hi. You have quite some issues. I wonder why you got married in the first place? Can you tell me?
Do you have any language barriers?
If not you may need to have a holiday for a couple of weeks alone and see how you feel. That cured me and I realised I needed to try harder. I hear what you are sayiong and Sometimes moving on can seem like a better course of action for all. However if it is at all possible you need to both write down what is wrong on a page each and set about repairing it. If you both list love, commitment or honesty as a failing you may need to consider giving up. If you list many other things apart from that, start looking at the list and seeing if you can rectify at least half, and go from there. Good luck.
Dale

[justbeme]

I agree with Dale. However I have tried a list... for some it works and others it does not. Is it the lack of sexual interest in her the big problem? Are you afraid that you may cheat on her because of this? She left her country to be with you... did I understand that right. I again have to ask this why did you marry her in the first place. If you are even a least bit concerned about that you should have waited... but what you should have done and actually did are two totally different things. If these are things you are not going to be able to work out then end it because your going to hurt her more the longer you play with her feeling. Be honest with her no matter what... if she is sad then she will at least have the peace of mind you were honest.

[kraz]

OK – This is what I think. If you truly loved your wife you would NOT be treating her the way you have.

You say you don’t want to end it – but you really don’t want her in the intimate sense of a wife. You are considering going elsewhere for sex because you are not interested in your wife that way. Four years is a long time to go without the closeness and intimacy that husbands and wives share.

I best cut is a quick cut. Divorce her, set her free , let her find a man that will make the commitment to love her, to make her happy, to give her children and be the husband she deserves.

[LovedByGod]

OK, I want to start off by saying that I love my wife. However; I am no happy. We have been married for 4 years and I have only been marginaly happy at times. We met, she left her country to be with me and we got married. When I was going through with the wedding, I had doubts, but attributed it to last minute jitters. Our wedding night, I wasnt very interested in having sex. I have only seen her in a sexual capacity for the first few weeks that we met, its bee 4 years and our sexlife has been almost nothing bc of me. I Love her with all my heart and could not ask for a better more loyal wife, but I have started to look elsewhere at this point. I have not acted on it, but I know I may. I dont want to hurt her, but I am not sure that I was ready for marriage like I thought I was. I dont want to lose her, but I know how she feels now. I think she has been dying day by day since she has been with me. Last night, when she brought me a valentines card, I lost it and broke down and told her how sorry I was for huritng her and that I have been trying to repair the failed part of the relationships for the entire time we have been married. I know she would have left me by now if it werent for the fact that she is out of her country and here with me. I know she loves me, but I know we are not happy. I dont want to end it, but I am ready to either fix it or move on........... I hurt her so bad last night by telling her almost everything I have said here. I have not told her that I have considered looking around though. I dont think she needs that. Is this repairable? Is there a chance? I just don tknow what to do................................ I dont want to lose her, I am selfish I guess...... But I love her and want to take care of her, I just want her happy at this point. ............. anybody? input please.

Dear confused about life.

I have hope in you and your marriage. I don't know what your religion is but I think all healing begins in faith.

Here's a story about who you are and who we all are. Once in the beginning there was God who existed always. God was pure spirit, a trinity in a communion of love, the father, the son, and the holy spirit. God created the earth, the heavens and man. But man was special because god created him in his own image and likeness. We most closely reflect God in marriage. When you look at marriage as a holy union you can begin to appreciate it as all it really is. Marriage is the crowning glory to our existence. We reflect the Father, Son and Holy Spirit who's out flow of love began creation. As a husband, wife's communion of love create life in children. Honored and priestly husbands, glorious and nurtering wives and from each begins new life in the blessing of children.

So even if you didn't know our story, now in this confusing world you might see where your blessings lie. Love isn't heart racing lust, it isn't sexual attraction but something Devine in nature. You say you love your wife but you are unhappy. She loves you but you feel she's unhappy. I don't see a problem in the marriage itself but perhaps a lacking in your faith and hers. Suffering in separation from God is hard.

Love has many alluring faces but it's true form is sacrifice and charity. When you see your wife not only as a person but as a creation of God's she is beautiful. When you married her you became the Priest in charge of caring and loving her as God loves you. Believe and all things are possible.

I'd suggest faith counceling. There is man's love and then there is sacramental love. What you seek is sacramental love. A good book to read more about sacremental love is 'Men and Women are from Eden'

I wish you all the best in your struggle. To heal a marriage you must first heal yourself.

I will pray for you. God bless you and keep you!

[talaniman]

Since the only thing you have said, is your not feeling sexual to your wife, see a doctor and be honest with him. If you can't function with your wife, what makes you think you can function with someone else? Your not being straight forward with us, are you?

[kelly514]

OK, I want to start off by saying that I love my wife. However; I am no happy. We have been married for 4 years and I have only been marginaly happy at times. We met, she left her country to be with me and we got married. When I was going through with the wedding, I had doubts, but attributed it to last minute jitters. Our wedding night, I wasnt very interested in having sex. I have only seen her in a sexual capacity for the first few weeks that we met, its bee 4 years and our sexlife has been almost nothing bc of me. I Love her with all my heart and could not ask for a better more loyal wife, but I have started to look elsewhere at this point. I have not acted on it, but I know I may. I dont want to hurt her, but I am not sure that I was ready for marriage like I thought I was. I dont want to lose her, but I know how she feels now. I think she has been dying day by day since she has been with me. Last night, when she brought me a valentines card, I lost it and broke down and told her how sorry I was for huritng her and that I have been trying to repair the failed part of the relationships for the entire time we have been married. I know she would have left me by now if it werent for the fact that she is out of her country and here with me. I know she loves me, but I know we are not happy. I dont want to end it, but I am ready to either fix it or move on........... I hurt her so bad last night by telling her almost everything I have said here. I have not told her that I have considered looking around though. I dont think she needs that. Is this repairable? Is there a chance? I just don tknow what to do................................ I dont want to lose her, I am selfish I guess...... But I love her and want to take care of her, I just want her happy at this point. ............. anybody? input please.

You say you love her still right? Then my suggestion would be to think about what it is in her that you fell in love with in the first place and look for them in her again... and then talk it over, there is not a single cure better than looking at why this is happening... half the problems in our world is because people don't take the time to talk/interact... and who knows, once both of you open up, you might start seeing yourselves... what I think is happening is that you two are both too shy about sincerely opening up to each other... I met my fiancé when I was 13 and believe me, if I'm still with him and that we are still both crazy in love after 9 years of relationship, it's because we understand each other and we don't hide anything from each other... the thing about looking elsewhere for love is that what makes you so certain that this won't happen again with another person? That's how people spend a lifetime chasing after an illusion instead of making the best of what they already have... I mean, when a relationship is abusive or really bad then breaking it would be the best solution for everyone, but here, the problem is simple and you say you still love her... so why don't you give it another shot? It's your call...

[Mr_am]

It is never late to save a marriage.

[talaniman]

I don't see a commitment to family, only to yourself. You'll save nothing, not even yourself, with that attitude. Why even marry someone you don't love? I don't get it. You had 4 years to make up your mind, so go get some help for yourself. Find out what love is.

[1023mya]

I think you should just tell her how you feel. Yes it's going to hurt but, it will make her happier in the long run. She can find love with someone else that will love her the way you want to love her. I would also help find a way to get back to her country where her family is. That's the least you could do. Unless she wants to stay in our country.

[kpinkme]

If I was in your place I would sit her down and tell her that you do not want to hurt her. But you would be by letting the marriage go on. If you feel that you may go out on her that is not the best thing. Why end the marriage that should have never happened on a bad note end it while it is still soon enough to get over it. I kind of feel sorry for her.

[LivingAndLearning]

I dont see her in a sexual manner at all, even though she is beautiful. It has been asource of trouble in our relationship since we have been married. I just can't keep going on with it hurting her, and causing more trouble between us as the tension builds from her anger of feeling inadequate. I am not sure what direction to take at this point. But she said thta had she been in her home country, she would have left me by now.......... She stayd for that and the hope of us turning a corner.

This post alone speaks in volumes. I understand your confusion, and commend you for asking advice and admitting that you are completely lost as far as what to do. Please excuse me for sounding harsh, but you asked for advise. It's time you man up, make a decision, and stick with it. You said tension on her end builds from her feeling inadequate, of course she'd feel that way. Do you have ANY idea how it makes a woman feel when her own husband won't be intimate with her? Do you comprehend the damage it does to her entire being? This entire situation you describe seems to be less about getting physical, and more about your own insecurities. Maybe you feel you can't be a good enough husband to her, and that's why you choose to be the victim. You would rather have this negative energy to consume your time, instead of focusing on becoming a better husband, and using that time to work up to what you want to be. You both lose in this situation--she is married to an insecure man who would rather complain and dance around his problems then confront them, and you are probably torn at how you can become this "perfect" husband to her. The bottom line is that you are/were married. And marriage is no joke, it takes a LOT of time and dedication from both ends. Did you ever think that maybe (as you say) "don't want to lose her" because you KNOW she can, and most likely will, find someone more worthy of her? I'm not trying to say you are a bad person, or that you are unworthy as a husband, but you have issues going on personally that you have to deal with. I think you are afraid of losing her, because you know she will end up with someone "better". Instead of thinking that way, and keeping her in this mess of a marriage, why not strive to be that "better" person and give her the life she signed up for? If you are incapable of that, let her go. She deserves so much more.

Sidenote: Ever go to marriage counceling?