[bushg]

I have often wondered why parents leave or how they can leave and never or many years later get into contact with their kids. If you have been one of these parents, please share. I know that many children of such parents would truly like to understand why. I don't want this post to be about bashing anyone. I know that it will take people that is very open, honest to share. I just want to know why. Btw I am one of those kids/adults.:confused:

[Allheart]

Hi bushg –

I am not one of those parents nor children ( Mom decided to move across country with me, my sisters and neighbor (male) while Dad was at work, but that's not what you asked).

My sister left he home with two sons. They were still in grade school. Why? On the surface job in a different state. Reality? She not very wisely fell for another man and was dillusional enough to think they would live happily ever after. I love my sister more then the moon and stars. But not very happy in my heart for this mistake (huge one at that) that she has made and I think to this day lays on her heart and mind. She kept in touch with them every day and paid financially and then some as she should, but of course to a child that means nothing. She would see them here a weekend there a weekend but be in daily contact. Bless her, as I don't know how she was able to do it. But we get ourselves and minds all wrapped up in things we can't see passed the covers. So, how is her relationship today with her boys – 1) The youngest is graduating college, talks to Mom (mostly to get money/typical college kid), but on anti-depressants, go figure. The older one does not talk to Mom but doing well. Does she love her boys? With all her heart and soul. More then she can breath. Her poor choices may say differently to outsiders, and her sons, but I promise you, the love she has for those boys is real and it's a Mom's kind of love. Some parents are skilled at showing it and making the most responsible choices and some make mistakes, that yes, have painful effects. I have never questioned my sister's love for her boys, they may have, and that is so very normal. I don't judge her, I love her and hope someday all hearts that were broke and hurting because of this heal and filled with nothing but love.

My other sister has a son in high school and his Father maybe saw him once after birth. Why? I honestly don't know. But that is his loss and my nephew is a fine young man.

What I do know bushg, is that when a parent does something “out of the ordinary” the heartbreak is tenfold, and that's because our hearts forget that parents are just like you and me, not perfect, make mistakes and wrong choices. Only thing is some of those choices have a lifetime effect. I think we can do everything we can to make the effect a positive one as we become adults.

Hope you don't mind me sharing. Your post touched me and may not be what you asked but I wanted to share similar circumstances and to let you know , your not alone, not ever.


My very best to you,

Allheart

[bushg]

All heart, at least she contacted them and cared about whether they had food and clothes. Someday they will at least be grateful for that. Mine did not even care enough to send anything or contact us. I have a sister that did something similar to what yours did so I can understand where you are coming from. I try very hard not to judge her for it, because she is my sister and I love her.

[Allheart]

Your very right bushg. And I can only try and understand what that did to you and your siblings. Not contacting all of you and not sending anything does give the appearance of not caring, but that's not always the case and may very well not be the case.

The unknown is always so difficult because it is always so hard to convince ourselves that they loved us but just never showed it. I've heard a couple of stories like yours.

I've watched a lot of documentaries where parents have left their children and the parents are tortured by it, but still yet never show the love they actually do have for their children.

There are some parents that are with their children and throughout the child's whole life never once said I love you.

I wish I could take all that pain from you run out and get those answers for you.

When was the last you heard from them? Who raised you.

Bushg - I could almost bet this experience did give you and your siblings a heavy heart but also gave you capabilities, to be compasionte, caring and understanding at levels you may not have had normally if life was all sugar and spice.

I truly am so sorry this happened to you -

[Coy Campbell]

I must say that sometimes when a parent gives up there child its sometimes for the best. You can't always expect a good parent out of many people. My case is yes I want to know what it was that made my biological mom give me up. But what ever the answer is I would have to understand it

[oneguyinohio]

I have a sister who gave up her son to my parents for adoption 16 years ago. My sister told the child at that time that he now had a new mommy.

I have watched as this impacted my adopted brother in many ways. At the time, my sister was single, and not emotionally ready to be a parent in any way.

She did not have compassion toward the child at all, and saw him as a burden. She did not bond with him.

At the time she was single, and seemed to feel that no man would want her with her baby... She was the kind of person who tried to have every hair in place... and wanted a baby that did not get dirty... of course that isn't realistic...

She would freak out if he got sick during the night... and just start screaming "Oh god... yuck... and not try to comfort the kid...

She was about 20 or 21 at the time, and she got pregnant from a one night romp with a guy from another state who was about 17 at the time. The boy had 3 or 4 other females that he got pregnant at around the same time... and by the time the child was born, he had planned on a marriage to one of the ones who lived local to him... guess he is still married to them... so his life went on without contact with the child... that he wasn't even totally sure was his... and did not want complications from to find out...

My sister could not even say for sure that he was the father because she had been with many guys...

My sister now has other children but has never bonded in the same way with the oldest. She cares about him, but does not have the same relationship built with him.

She tries to help him when she can. So, I guess it a matter of where someone is in life as to if they are able to make that bonding.

In no way do I think it reflects on the child. It does show where the parents were mentally at the time.

Now, the child is almost an adult and considering looking for his birth father. Only to get acquainted.

[bushg]

So, I guess it a matter of where someone is in life as to if they are able to make that bonding.

Ohioguy this I can truly understand, thanks for pointing that out.

The difference is that my dad went on to have a few more kids.. I'm not sure how many and went on to abandon them the same way, from what I understand from his family.

The one that is 16 is the ony one that he is involved with and for that I child I am glad and hope that he is being a good role model and parent for him. But, have my doubts because his current wife told my sister that he has another woman pregnant. I wonder what makes my father so insecure that he needs to have multiple women.

Wow, he is up in his 60's and still at it. I am happy that I have genes from people that have lived into their 60's, that is to be grateful for although it does seem to sound very selfish. BUt I told my mom the other day that I was trying to find something to be able to feel grateful for the fact that he was my father... so I feel like this is a step, in finding gratefullness and apperication.

Allheart my mom raised me/us (3 siblings) for the most part or we basically raised ourselves... she was a very weak woman and had been trampled on and abused most of her life, I guess she did not know how to escape that role. A woman that has been abused and taught by her family to accept that role has a hard time being a strong mother and protecting her children. We always new that we had to protect each other and did until I left home at the age of 14. When my mom married my step dad. I always had a hard time trusting men.

Birth till 5 lived with mom and dad they split and I lived with dad & girlfriend (s) and their baby from there I went to live with mom and sisters and grandparents from there with mom and great grandaddy from there my step dad moved in I moved out. Didn't trust men. Lived with a cousin until 17 and moved in with more cousins to a different state... all women until 26 when I got pregnant with my son and moved to my own place and I have always maintained a home for my kids and would never let any man, woman or animal mistreat/harm them.
Allheart I always maintain everything happens for a reason... but still wonder what is in the hearts of parents that up and leave.

Wow, when I signed up for this sight I was looking for answers regarding college grants and nursing. I did not know I was going to receive free counseling services.: )

The more of these post that I read about parents and abuse and such the more I examine my life and how I feel about things. I did go to counseling for a number of years. But I wonder if any amount of counseling make things right when people inflict so much pain on you.
But I would take it a thousand times more, if that is the reason behind me being there for my kids. They are my life period. My oldest son is 18 and obeys and respects me so much it is an honor. He still ask if he is allowed to do such and such.

He is up for a scholarship that will pay for his 4 years of college based on grades, community involvement, volunteering, school involvement. He is one of 14 that was chosen by his teachers and principle to compete for it. Whether he gets it or not , he will succeed in college and in life. I am so proud of him and have always stood by him... I just wonder why couldn't my family do that. If everyone stood by their kids and did what was best for them I wonder what type of world we would have.

[shygrneyzs]

I have a close friend, who is now 78 years old. His parents, when he was three years old, took him and his brother and sister to their Grandparent's. It was 1933 - the Dust Bowl years. They left him at his Grandparents, saying they would be back in week. Just going on vacation. Took his sister to an Aunts, saying the same thing. His brother to another Aunt, saying the same thing. They never came back. His Father became a traveling salesman - how in the world one could do that in the dirty thirties, I have no idea. His Mother moved to New York City and worked in hotels as a housekeeper, did laundry, worked in restaurants so she could at least get one meal. Neither one of these people sent any money to help raise their children. No presents, no cards, nada.

My friend still gets tears in his eyes when he tells of this - he asks how can a three year old understand seeing his parents walk away with the intent to never come back? There is no answer.

He had a good childhood he said with his Grandparents and his brother and sister were close enough that they would see each other at least weekly. He knew he was loved by those people. But there was always this disconnected feeling. He sent himself to college, taught school, got his PhD, taught college, got in on the ground floor of computers and did very well for himself. Married with children and grandchildren. He did find his parents, all they wanted was some money from him.

So I do not know, bushg. I guess biology makes one a parent but it takes a lot more to make one a Mother and a Father.

I have a cousin who had eight children and never raised one of them. She was married at the time too. Her and her husband mated like rabbits, with no thought to the responsibilities. Everyone in the family had to step in. When her oldest was four years old she was already taking care of her siblings. What a he$$ of a life.

[oneguyinohio]

I guess biology makes one a parent but it takes alot more to make one a Mother and a Father.

Might revise that just a little bit... biology makes one a child... it takes more to be a parent... but if genetics mean anything, we wouldn't be here if they didn't do what they did... I also sometimes wonder what if one sperm cell went the other way, or if the adults met a day later... would a different person have resulted?

[N0help4u]

From what I have seen of moms that leave their kids, they are only thinking of their independence and wanting to do whatever they want when they want. Dads that I see leave
Seem to figure raising kids is more of the mothers job anyway.
To answer Ohioguy they do say you would have a different kid than what you have.

[bushg]

Hey did anyone see the report that people are attracted to each other by smell and when a woman takes the pill this interferes with how she chooses a mate and how the her mate chooses her. Hmmm, wonder if that is true. Maybe that is why so often 1 parent stays and the opther goes.

[Shell_Lee]

When I was in high school, a girl in my class and I both got pregnant around the same time. She was going to give her child up for adoption (even the adoptive parents were at the hospital during the child's birth) but at the last moment changed her mind. Well, her parents have been raising her child ever since. He is a lovable child and very well behaved. My son and him are good friends (now both 9). I guess going out drinking, taking drugs, and having sex with different people every weekend were more important to her than her child. Now the grandparents have custody of her second child too! That child actually lived with her for about 2 years though. That is until she overdosed on prescription drugs with the 2 year old in her apartment. She lived and was taken to a rehab to get clean. She still doesn't have either children, but I do see her with them every once and a while. The fathers? I don't know. They've never been there.

My child is my life. I finished high school and took him to college with me. We live in a condo with a great man that I'm about to marry in a little over a month. My son has been keeping me very busy this winter with hockey. My son's father, however, is not in my son's life. BY HIS CHOICE. The last time he saw or spoke to his son was on July 1, 2006. I'm not exactly sure why. I know it's not the distance as we only live about 15 min apart. Maybe it has something to do with me "finding" out about some things that he probably didn't want me to know.

Now when I was with this man, I was young and dumb. We were broke up by my choice while I was about 3 months pregnant. I made a mistake being with him, but I have my son that I love dearly. He never was really in my son's life. He'd see him once maybe every 4-5 months or go an entire month seeing him and then not again for 6 months. Well, I had found out that he was (and this is all after my son was about a year old) convicted of raping his sister, felony burglary, and beating his wife. So, I think it is better that this "man" is not in my son's life.