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jiltedgirl · Feb 11, 2008, 09:59 AM

While I was going through the break up with my ex-boyfriend, I met this guy that seemed nice enough. He was amusing and had the same interests as me. He started talking to me online, I talked to him and everything was friendly. However, he insisted on meeting up with me and basically expressed how much he liked me. This really surprised me because he said he had a girlfriend. So I told him that I would never want to be anything more than friends with him. I told him straight up that I didn't care if he and his girlfriend was "drifting apart." Meeting up with him, especially now that I knew he was harboring feelings for me, would be wrong and the equivalent of emotionally cheating. I told him he should instead talk to his girlfriend and work things out. And if he was so intent on leaving his poor, clueless girlfriend, he shouldn't do it because of some girl (aka me) and do it for the right reasons.

Later on, he broke up with his girlfriend and asked to meet up, which I consented to. I was emotionally vulnerable and made the mistake of making out with him, but afterwards, I realized I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend. He kept IMing me and sending me incessant emails afterwards because I hadn't been online much. So I told him that I didn't want to be anything more than friends because I was going through a lot of stuff. He told me he understood, but his constant IMing, even when I'm idle, and the myriad of emails began to annoy me. I eventually blocked him. Yesterday he sent me another email telling me how he would do anything to go back to being friends. I basically told him the truth. I told him that I was very sorry, but I couldn't be friends with him because I didn't reciprocate his feelings. And as much as I or he wanted to be friends, he obviously doesn't feel that way and to continue being "friends" would be unfair to both of us.

I feel very guilty, especially because I've been in his place before. Am I a horrible person?

confused25 · Feb 11, 2008, 11:53 AM

You are definitely not a horrible person. In fact I think what you did was best for you and him. It's clear that right now you are not capable of dealing with any more drama so putting an end to the friendship was a good idea. In my opinion he had his chance to be friends but his constant attempts at trying to contact you show that he still wants more. Maybe in the future when you both don't have so much baggage you two can renew the friendship, but for now I think you did what you had to do.

HistorianChick · Feb 11, 2008, 01:16 PM

No Darlin. You were honest with yourself and with him - before he broke up with his girlfriend and after.

If you were to simply date this guy because you felt bad for him, you wouldn't be completely honest with yourself and you'd be setting him up to be hurt down the line. And, that would be something to feel guilty about.

Figure out your own feelings, let him figure out his, and then maybe down the line, you two will become more than friends. But for now, you're doing the right thing! :)

VictoryWon · Feb 11, 2008, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by jiltedgirl

While I was going through the break up with my ex-boyfriend, I met this guy that seemed nice enough. He was amusing and had the same interests as me. He started talking to me online, I talked to him and everything was friendly. However, he insisted on meeting up with me and basically expressed how much he liked me. This really surprised me because he said he had a girlfriend. So I told him that I would never want to be anything more than friends with him. I told him straight up that I didn't care if he and his girlfriend was "drifting apart." Meeting up with him, especially now that I knew he was harboring feelings for me, would be wrong and the equivalent of emotionally cheating. I told him he should instead talk to his girlfriend and work things out. And if he was so intent on leaving his poor, clueless girlfriend, he shouldn't do it because of some girl (aka me) and do it for the right reasons.

Later on, he broke up with his girlfriend and asked to meet up, which I consented to. I was emotionally vulnerable and made the mistake of making out with him, but afterwards, I realized I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend. He kept IMing me and sending me incessant emails afterwards because I hadn't been online much. So I told him that I didn't want to be anything more than friends because I was going through alot of stuff. He told me he understood, but his constant IMing, even when I'm idle, and the myriad of emails began to annoy me. I eventually blocked him. Yesterday he sent me another email telling me how he would do anything to go back to being friends. I basically told him the truth. I told him that I was very sorry, but I couldn't be friends with him because I didn't reciprocate his feelings. And as much as I or he wanted to be friends, he obviously doesn't feel that way and to continue being "friends" would be unfair to both of us.

I feel very guilty, especially because I've been in his place before. Am I a horrible person?

First of all, Stop calling yourself a horrible person! The Bible says "So as a man thinketh, so is he!" We all make mistakes. What you need to do is take time for yourself and find out what you want from life.There is nothing wrong with dating as long as you don't dip your stick. Have friends, go out, enjoy yourself from time to time because you only have one life. Get to know God, seek Him and he will send you the right mate for you!

ForeverZero · Feb 11, 2008, 04:20 PM

Yes, you're a horrible person.

Just kidding, but for next time think things through before you put somebody through an emotional ringer. It's not really your fault, just knowledge to have for the next time.

ISneezeFunny · Feb 11, 2008, 04:28 PM

I don't see what was so bad. Sucks for him... yes. But you were honest with him entirely... he just assumed that he would woo you. In short, the man thought his game was tight... but really it wasn't THAT tight.

Jilted, you were up front, honest, and you did an upstanding thing. If I could, I'd give you an upstanding AMHD member award.

jiltedgirl · Feb 11, 2008, 11:09 PM

Thank you all. Your responses have helped assuage my guilt. :)

ISneeze--I want that AMHD member award ASAP. Jkjk~

justcurious55 · Feb 11, 2008, 11:19 PM

A horrible person? No way! Sounds like he was being a little to pushy and totally disrespecting the boudaries you needed. There is nothing wrong with being completely honest. I understand where you're coming from. It's hard when you have to tell a guy that you're friends with but wants to be more than friends that its time for him to get lost. But don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. He was in the wrong to push your boundries.

talaniman · Feb 12, 2008, 11:43 AM

You done just fine, as you were true to yourself. No more making out, until your ready for more.

JBeaucaire · Feb 12, 2008, 11:55 AM

"Am I a horrible person." That's a pretty self-indulgent question. You're in the middle of exercising excellent judgement following some almost-bad ones, and then you stop in the middle to have a pity party?

There's no need for that. You're feeling guilty and that is AWESOME. Most people completely miss the point of guilt when they experience it. They think it's some sort of death sentence on their character when exactly the opposite is true.

Good people question their actions. When they discover they've erred they feel guilt and the guilt prompts them to correct that behavior, now and in the future. It's a total win when guilt works properly.

Bad people (or horrible persons to use your term) don't go through any of that.

Since this doesn't describe you, babe, how about cutting yourself some slack here and appreciate the good that comes out of your fully-functional and appropriately working guilt-mechanism.

Good job. Two gold stars for you.