[Strip176]

I need to know if I am losing my mind or if my man truly loves me. I am engaged to a wonderful man. This year marks five years for us. He has stepped in and has taken the role of father to my 6 year old son. My son was only 2 when we met.

We bought a house and I must say that he goes above and beyond to make sure that I am happy and that the house and family are taken care of.

My problem lies here. Three years ago we got into a terrible argument because he had met someone at work. They never slept together, but he did take her out and he did indeed kiss her. We had a heated argument and he targeted my weight. I couldn’t believe that he said something about that…especially since he knows how self conscious I am about it. I left him after that. He came over one night pleading with me asking me not to leave and that it was a mistake and he loved me more than anything.

Everything was good until he got into this Myspace thing. I have seen e-mails that he sends women that are totally disrespectful to me. I have brought it to his attention every time. We argue…I cry…I am done….etc. Then a few weeks later we slowly get back into the groove of things. He finally admitted he was wrong with all this extra stuff, but I am still terrible insecure and jealous.

He also loves porn. Trust me when I say that it doesn’t bother me at all. The problem that I have is that I wish that he showed me as much attention as he does with these women that he desires. In my heart I know that he has not cheated on me, but I am not going to say that he won’t.

I was a thick girl when he met me and he had no problem with it. Now…even though he won’t say it….he has a problem with it. He is too much of a nice guy to say that to me because he knows it would crush my heart. There have been many times when we have both sat and cried.

I know that he loves me. I cannot sit here and lie and say that he doesn’t take care of me and “our” son. He is always at home or always with us. I just cannot shake the fact that he has lost interest in me. He said that he wants me to be more aggressive in bed, that wearing heels turns him on, and that I need to get into shape. I feel like he is trying to make me the woman that he fantasizes. I think that he fell in love with me for who I am and now he wants me to change my look so that he can have the whole package.

I am so afraid that once I get back into shape that he will want me and desire me like I have always wanted him to. Then I know it is because I am fat.

Do I get off my sympathy fat kick and get into shape? Am I crazy for being so jealous over this man? Help.

[imation]

I suppose the bottom line is, if YOU want to change and get into shape then go for it there is nothing stopping you. But if you are happy the way you are and are only thinking of getting into shape because of him then maybe you need to re-evaluate.

He sounds like a good man for staying and taking care of you and your son.
You'll have to accept that him not being attracted to you is a real possibility, its just a matter of how you will deal with this.

Getting into shape could make you feel good about yourself and get him attracted to you more and more. But if it works and its clear that your weigh was the issue, think to yourself about how it isn't an issue anymore!

[bellamountain]

If you forgave him for what he did and moved back in with him you have to let it go. But about the weight thing, You said that he targeted your weight and that your self conscious about it. Sweetie you have to be comfortable in your own skin. That might be wear the jealousy and insecurity is coming from. You say that he wants you to be more aggressive in bed. Well you have to keep things interesting in the bedroom especially when you have been together for years. What's wrong with wearing heels to bed that's not bad, he could have came to you with something off the wall. But getting into shape, you have to do that for yourself not for your man or your child. They can be the inspiration but it has to be all you first and foremost. And just think of the bonuses that come with being healthy and getting into shape you live longer, you have more energy for life. Think of something that makes you happy when your feeling sad and keep that feeling. And trust that man until he gives you a reason not to, try not to think about what he could be doing relax make the time you all have together special. It takes a real man to take on the reasonability of a child that's not his biologically and raise him as his own, trust me I have one. But get to know yourself. And love yourself look in the mirror in the morning and just tell yourself I love you..:p

Hope I helped

[talaniman]

Forget the weight, that's just a handy excuse to cover up another problem area in this relationship. It goes beyond just communication, and I think you need more than advice, as to sorting yourself out, and getting to the root of this problem. I don't think you have really recovered from his attention to this other female.

[Inspired]

I think getting in shape may be good for yourself, your anxiety, and your health. Forget what he wants, getting in shape has a lot of bonuses for you. I am only saying that because I am big about staying healthy and working out. I have seen too many people in my family struggle with health issues due to their weight. He does seem like a good man by what you described him. Men do tend to be visual and maybe both of you can start a health plan together (as I am sure he's not Mr. Perfect). It might also help you with yourself esteem. Who knows, you may get into shape and decide to leave him :)

[sasha_1]

I tend to disagree on the replies that state that "weight does not matter..." Yes, WEIGHT MATTERS 100% for every person - whether male or female. If you get into shape, there are so many good things you will have, have stronger heart and bones, have strong immune system, look and feel great too, wear cute dresses (I am not assuming you are overwight now, as I have not seen you, this is a general perception).

In the long run of bonus, you can take part in your son's active sports and school activities without getting tired, make heads turns, defy your age - look younger than you are, and it feels good too.

For people who say that when you love someone, looks don't matter, I reply "are you kidding?..." for every living being on earth starting from insects and birds too, looks do matter for the initial attraction at least. But it does not mean that every body can be Brad Pitt or ANgelina Jolie, what I mean is, you have to be the best in what God has given you, and taking care of your body and being in shape is one way to do it.

I speak from my personal experience, when I was 25 pounds heavier 3 years back, my husband was always after me to get into shape, he would even compare me to other lovely girls walking on the streets! God! Did I feel angry and hurt!! I used to cry my heart out. But it's only after I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and had to lose weight to stay healthy did I start my healthy lifestyle. And now it has paid dividends :)

As for your man going to other ladies... I wouldn't like to stay with that kind of man. He should rather try and cajole, if needed force you to lose weight, not run to other women. But on the other hand, when he states that he goes to other women as he has problems with your weight, instead of getting emotional and touchy, have you tried doing anything about it? If not, then I would say you are the one pushing him away.

[talaniman]

I strongly disagree this is about weight, despite all the heath risk. I strongly disagree that she is running him to the arms of another, because of it. I do agree he has a few issues, they both do. No man who loves his female points out her problems in so callous a manner, unless in extreme anger, and he doesn't cheat on her for those reasons, unless he is running away from the truth of the matter. There are no excuses for cheaters, just selfish motivations for doing so. For whatever reasons though she has a very low self esteem, and I also think she buries that fact with, and this is just a hunch, some wild mood swings, that may leave him confused and withdrawn. If I'm wrong, I wish the OP would clarify that for me. She painted this picture to lovingly and to pat, with all the weight on him as being wrong, so I feel there is a lot more we need to know, before that "fat" excuse will wash with me. On you Strip, your feelings please.

[Strip176]

I wouldn't say that I am leaving things out. We do have our up's and down's like any relationship, but honestly….it is just the weight thing. I must tell you that I never had a problem with my weight. The men I have dated have ALWAYS loved my thickness. Not to sound too confident, but I am a very pretty woman. I take pride in looking fabulous every time I walk out of the house.

No man have ever attacked my weight…even in a heated argument, but my fiancé did (we were not engaged at the time). That really hurt because this is the man that I was actually in love with. I actually understood what being in love felt like being with him. I was crushed….. hell I still am obviously. Yes, he has apologized…cried with me and everything else. My self-esteem went down the drain after that. Why? Because here I am knowing that I am a beautiful woman with a great personality and the one person who faults me is the man that I love. That is not fair. I accept him for his downfalls and I never attack that….even though I could EASILY, but I am not that type of person.

Again, I don't doubt his love for me and our son, but I am starting to question whether I am being petty or if my feelings are valid. How would you feel if every time you turned around your mate was downloading porn or sneaking around the house watching movies on a small Zen and then won't touch you or always has to make sarcastic comments when you even mention wanting to be intimate? That crazy to me. Here he has a woman who may not look like these woman, but when it comes to pleasure…I am all down for it….. and he doesn't even act like he wants to be with me.

Not to get too personal, but even when we are intimate….. it is always one position. It is like the “traditional” way is no longer appealing. Maybe it is because looking at my body disgusts him. Who knows… I have seen e-mails where he tells women things that a man who is in a long term relationship shouldn't. Feel me?

Yes, I could loose weight and get back to where I used to be….but then I know that when he is all of sudden into me…it is going to hurt even worse because I am still the same person inside….. skinny or not. Last night he was on some Porn forum…when I came over by the computer he tried to close it real quick but didn't get it closed in time. He was on there begging someone to send him the link to some pornstar's new movie. I wish I could explain how much this blows me. I have never experienced anything like this before.

I am afraid that if I loose the weight…I will wake up and realize that a person needs to love me for me. I wasn't a size 2 when he met me and fell in love with me. Now, I feel like he is going to cheat because of it. I AM SO FREAKING CONFUSED!! Part of me wants to just let it all go….. I feel like I am accepting……

Please….feel free to ask me anything…I have no problem answering….

[JBeaucaire]

A man's actions are more reliable than his words, especially words spoken in anger. We all spurt out things we shouldn't in the middle of a heated argument. That's why it is critical in every relationship to learn to argue without the HEAT.

As I was saying, according to your description, his actions paint him as a committed man. Issues, sure, normal relational stuff it sounds like.

The weight thing appears to mean more to you than it does to him, based on actions. It doesn't mean NOTHING to him, just that he doesn't seem to be requiring anything from you about it, so...

If you're fine with you appearance, then I would suggest you slot those occasional comments into the pigeon-hole they belong in... things people say when an argument isn't going well and they just need to score a quick point. I bet you can list a few targets he has that you can use to do the same thing.
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Traditional position sex... you say that you have started using a different primary position? Let me comment clinically on two other positions:

Woman on Top - men are visual and this gives him a much fuller, rounder look at the woman during sex with her on top. Also, this results in much better penetration for the female and lets her set the needed "tempo", since the guy will be good with almost any pace, this is good, too.

Doggie Style - women frequently view this as less "traditional", but anatomically speaking it is more natural than the traditional "man on top" we see in literature. Again, much better penetration occurs and the woman's G spot is more likely to be properly stimulated. And the view a man has of his mate in this position absolutely drives him wild, the female derrière is at it's roundest and most attractive.

So, with that history, if one of those positions is what you are referring to, that info might help you appreciate the positive aspects of it, too. OK?
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So, my best suggestion to you is look for ways to deflate the "heat" out of your disagreements. Arguments will of course occur, but if you can keep them calm, the barbs aren't getting thrown in and each of your "soft spots" aren't getting poked. That's better for you.

If you accidentally toss one of those barbs, stop the argument for a moment and immediately apologize for that specific comment and ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, confirmation that he realizes you didn't mean it. Then get back to your discussion.

If he barbs you, stop the argument and calmly point out what he said, CALMLY, and ask if he really meant to say that.

I think this guy loves you and you're both growing. The rest of this stuff you can deal with... if you stay calm.

[Strip176]

Thank you, JBeaucaire. I know in my heart that he does love me and I know that I have to work on myself as well. I love this man passionately and sometimes I do feel bad for him. I go back and forth with my emotions regarding this subject.

Talaniman is right... there are many times where I leave him confused and withdrawn because he doesn't know what to say to me. He always tries to soothe the situation the best he knows how.

I just need to learn how to let go. That is just so hard for me in situations like this. I can honestly say that I can go for losing 10-15 pounds. I just feel like I am giving in to changing myself for him... even though I am aware of the health bonuses of getting the extra pounds off... I just wanted him to love me for me and not get so easily distracted by other women. He is a very handsome man who could get any woman he pleases, but he chose me.

Like I said... I just don't know how to let it go.

[JBeaucaire]

If you lose 10-15 pounds "for him", so what? You're still doing it FOR YOU because you think he will like it. Why is that frowned on?

This is really just personal perspective. This is different from changing who you are to try and GAIN someone's approval. You two love each other, so any changes you make in your lives and looks for each other are something you're doing out of love. That is SO not the same thing, don't you see that?

Ultimately, you lose weight or not based on your own motivations. Doing it for someone who is committed to you like he is when he isn't demanding it, well, that's just lovely of you. But it's still you motivating you. See?

Guys aren't great communicators in relationships, at least not by default. We can get good at it, but it takes practice. Reward him when he communicates well. Don't punish him when he doesn't. We are faithful puppies in this environment.

You say "he chose you but you can't let it go?" Let what go?

[Strip176]

I can't let go of the fact that I think that he isn't interested in me anymore. He takes such precious time downloading his movies or pictures or posting notes on porn forums... but he doesn't show me as much. I know that things die down over the years... this year marks 5 years for us. I am just tired of crying and worrying.

So, basically... get up off my butt and get it together so I can make sure that I keep my man? Shouldn't he do the same for me or am I asking too much... he has already done more for me than most men ever will.

[Strip176]

The whole porn thing is too much for me. I am sorry... I can't get past that and he won't let it go.

[JBeaucaire]

You CAN get past that, you are opting not to. That's your right.

He MAY let go at some point in the future, that's not something you or I can make happen.

The only thing you have control over in a relationship is yourself. You've heard the phrase "choose your battles"... meaning stand your ground on things you have a chance of winning on. It's rare that you win when the goal is someone ELSE changes their behavior. That only happens when they are motivated from within themselves, meaning at best you will get this through inspiration, not exasperation.

The porn thing may be something he can't deal with right now. So if you choose NOW to make it a do or die topic, you're going to get die.

Other than choose your battles, there's also "live to fight another day" and I think this is what you may need on this issue.

You have to get past it... for now. You may win this battle, later. In the meantime you focus on the wins, the growth and the relational ties you can count on.

A guy is what he does. If ALL he does is look at porn and that defines your relationship, then OK, time to go for broke. If it's just a bad habit, then treat it as such for now.

[talaniman]

A good relationship, and a willingness to work together, to solve your problems to the benefit of both, is a matter of good communications, for some of us it takes time, and patience, and a willingness to listen. As for your own feeling about the porn, that's only an issue to you, because of yourself esteem, something you can work on. Strange how females with a high self esteem, never feel threatened by porn, strip clubs, or female friends?? HMM! So that is my advice is for you, to take the time to work on yourself, and deal with your issues, while you talk and listen, to you partner and learn how to talk to each other. The sex will get better, and so will the intimacy and trust me, whether you lose the weight or not, he will pay a lot more attention to your needs, when you are happy with yourself, and will share it with each other. This is still a very young and growing relationship, so don't be comfortable with just being together, be happy together, but it starts with you, so love yourself first, or more accurately, GO BACK to loving yourself first.

[Strip176]

In some aspects you are right; however, I feel as though I am very open. My fiancé and I do go to strip clubs together and have a blast and it WOMEN that we go see. There have been many times where we have watched movies together... heck... I have even purchased some for him. I believe that it does has something to do with myself esteem.

I do feel as though I have valid reasons for the way that I feel other than the weight. There was a time where he had disagreements over the fact that saved on our home computer were over 10,000 pictures of naked women and he told me that that was his business and not mine... okay fine. BUT... now he is own porn forums. We used to talk endlessly. Now, we don't. I brought it to his attention several times that our communication is lacking. Then I see where he has over 100 posts to strangers about scenes from porn flicks? And I mean he is REALLY critiquing the scenes... very explicitly too. So, I am not supposed to be bothered by that?

I guess I just have to get used to the fact that he may not be physically attracted to me. It is hard for me to actually grasp the fact that he is not attracted to and may never be. I never thought that the man I actually fall in love with wouldn't find me attractive. I guess that is somewhat a plus... he is with me some reason... sex and attraction just aren't one of them.

Would a man be offended if all I ever watched or talked about was movies with humongous penis'? Would a man feel less of himself if their woman was only interested in big ones??

[talaniman]

I've read this thing twice, there is still something missing, so sorry, more questions

How old are you and he?
Are there any divorces or other kids?
Is porn his only hobby?
Are you both healthy?

Sex can be affected by so many things Its hard to know where to start, and without a sexual history to compare, this is like catching flies with a popsicle stick. My guide is sex is only a symptom of a problem to be resolved, in another area of your lives, hence the questions.

[JBeaucaire]

Yeah, whoa, Nelly. Um, he runs a porn FORUM?

Sweetie, this is a completely different level of involvement from porn surfing. Collecting, dispersing, critiquing means he is either obsessed (most likely) or profiting.

The unforeseen downside to porn (unforseen to guys that is) is desensitizing. Once the addiction sets in, mild presentations of nudity and sex are less fulfilling, perhaps even to the point that normal one-on-one sex is a non-starter for him.

If he's this gone into it, you may be out of luck with this guy. Sorry, but that may be the truth.

The world is full of porn-less blokes, or those who truly do only look here and there and it's not an issue. Your cited stories of being in adult clubs and entertainment means you're not being overly prudish, though it might help in the future. But either way, a guy is what he does. If he's THIS into it, then that's who he is.

Decide if you want to live with a sexually desensitized man for the rest of your life. If so, cool. If not, well, it doesn't really matter how you feel about him, does it? Time to start over with the next chapter.

[Strip176]

I meant to type on... not own. My apologies.

I am 30 (12/31) and he is 32 (4/26).

No divorces
My son is the only child on either side; however, if you see him with my son... you would never no that he was not his biological father. He IS his father in every aspect of the world. His biological father is a dud... he wouldn't even know who my son was even if he was standing next to him. I have not had any communication with him in years. He is not factored into our lives at all.

He is also really into music. As a side gig, he and 2 partners have a recording studio.

Yes, we are both healthy. I smoke though. He does not. He doesn't like it, but I am putting forth an effort to quit.

I don't that I will be able to spend the rest of my life like this. I have to agree... maybe it is something that it within myself. I have had other male friends who watched pornos... even collected magazines and it didn't bother me a bit... and I am talking MAJOR collections.

I guess it is also the factor that I have never been in a serious relationship. Don't get me wrong... I have dated several men... some even long term; however, as I have gotten older, I cannot categorize them as true relationships. There was so much cheating involved on both sides. Many times... they didn't know I was cheating until I told them. I guess since I finally fell in love with someone... I cherish the one on one... only. I know that sounds selfish, but I do.

There is also the fact... not that I am proud in any way... I have slept with 3 times as many men as he has with women. He hasn't been with many women. Maybe that's how he became so addicted. Who knows.

Well, for the past 2 nights... I have tried the "aggressive" approach... and also the heels and was immediately turned on. It was wonderful. For the first time in months, it felt like he really wanted me. It wasn't so bad... trust me... it had major benefits:o)

Maybe I do need to work on fixing me... once I have more inner strength... it will reflect in all aspects of my life... including my relationship.

[talaniman]

Maybe I do need to work on fixing me... once I have more inner strength... it will reflect in all aspects of my life... including my relationship.

Its so refreshing to actually see someone who has a clue. Taking responsibility, is the first step in being happy with yourself. Your poor dumb partner doesn't know what a good cookie he has.