[JANJN]

Mother& stepfather have been married for 24 years. He is very controlling; 3 adult children have striven to maintain amicable relationship to please mom. She developed dementia 2 years ago;immediately he sought legal counsel to get power of attorney (forgot that they gave each other that power in 1997). Recently, he decided she was too difficult to care for; liquadated all of her assets and put her in $4,600 (per month nsg home. He came to the marriage with a pension - her land very valuable; plus stocks given to her by sister.The children (of whom I am one) have begged him to let us care for her in one of our homes, with a sitter. He refuses. According to the 2 attorneys consulted, he can do whatever he likes. The nsg home is understaffed, mom's arms (upper&lower) are covered with bruises and last Tues. they didn't know where she was. (the building is secure, but there is no supervision.). He won't bring her warm clothes; he brought new furniture, no familiar pictures of family and none of her possessions in the room. She has deteriorated since she was put there. Seems to recognize us less and less in a matter of a couple of weeks.She has to be coaxed to eat or to be fed by hand and the staff doesn't bother if she won't eat at meal-time. On one occasion, she had gone a day1/2 w/o food or liquid. (We asked the staff and they mentioned she hadn't eaten in that long) Today we found a swollen ankle, and she can hardly walk; her hip seems to be causing enormous pain. We have no recourse that I can see. The nsg home explains the bruises as taking aspirin and bumping against the wall. She took aspirin before w/o bruises. We cannot look at her medical chart and often they won't tell us if she's eaten. One of us tries to visit every night. Stepfather has had multiple health issues (seizure disorder) that keeps him from driving from time to time, and even his own children believe that he he mentally incompetent, but this seems to be hard to prove. What can we do to get her out?

[JANJN]

Mother& stepfather have been married for 24 years. He is very controlling; 3 adult children have striven to maintain amicable relationship to please mom. She developed dementia 2 years ago;immediately he sought legal counsel to get power of attorney (forgot that they gave each other that power in 1997). Recently, he decided she was too difficult to care for; liquadated all of her assets and put her in $4,600 (per month nsg home. He came to the marriage with a pension - her land very valuable; plus stocks given to her by sister.The children (of whom I am one) have begged him to let us care for her in one of our homes, with a sitter. He refuses. According to the 2 attorneys consulted, he can do whatever he likes. The nsg home is understaffed, mom's arms (upper&lower) are covered with bruises and last Tues. they didn't know where she was. (the building is secure, but there is no supervision.). He won't bring her warm clothes; he brought new furniture, no familiar pictures of family and none of her possessions in the room. She has deteriorated since she was put there. Seems to recognize us less and less in a matter of a couple of weeks.She has to be coaxed to eat or to be fed by hand and the staff doesn't bother if she won't eat at meal-time. On one occasion, she had gone a day1/2 w/o food or liquid. (We asked the staff and they mentioned she hadn't eaten in that long) Today we found a swollen ankle, and she can hardly walk; her hip seems to be causing enormous pain. We have no recourse that I can see. The nsg home explains the bruises as taking aspirin and bumping against the wall. She took aspirin before w/o bruises. We cannot look at her medical chart and often they won't tell us if she's eaten. One of us tries to visit every night. Stepfather has had multiple health issues (seizure disorder) that keeps him from driving from time to time, and even his own children believe that he he mentally incompetent, but this seems to be hard to prove. What can we do to get her out?

[N0help4u]

Try reporting the nursing home for neglect. Even though it might not help with getting her out of nursing home systems. It might help get her better care. I know of so many people who have died in nursing homes because they were like the one you described and some of them eventually got investigated and even closed down or new management.
My friends mother died in a nursing home because she didn't eat for days.
When they have alzheimers it is hard to get them to say what they want so that seems to give your step dad more say. You should be able to fight it showing he isn't concerned for her.

[s_cianci]

Technically your stepfather is in the right, as the 2 lawyers have told you. However, if you can demonstrate that the nursing home where she resides is providing substandard care and generally neglecting your mother and this is brought to your stepfather's attention and he refuses to act on the situation, you may be able to get one of you appointed as power of attorney in his stead. You'll have a lot of investigating ahead of you and an uphill battle in general but if you can demonstrate that your stepfather is not acting in your mother's best interests then changes can be made.

[Fr_Chuck]

The attorneys are right, but it is not power of attorney, that only allows him to sign for her, and she can merely sign her self out unless he has guardianship over her. It is really her choice if she stays or not in the nursing home and if she wants to move in with a family member.

If he has guardianship, then he can control her, but he can not control her with just power of attorney ( this is a common mistake)
For example, I have power of attorney for my mom, I can sign her checks, sign for her on legal matters, but this does not give me authority to put her in a home, unless she agrees to go. I can sign the paper work for her, but she can revolk a POA anytime she wants, and can over rule a POA anytime she wants.

As for as power of attorney, there can be three or four people who all have that, it is guardianship that is needed now.

In at least some defense of nursing care, older people bruise very easy, and often esp if they get forgetful, they have to be somewhat controlled to stop them from hurting thierself. We had to hold dad down at times when he wanted to get angry over simple things as he got worst.

And in most they are allowed to walk around to day room, activity room and more if they are mobile, so the staff do not always know exactly where they are but will find them for you. I do nursing home visits every week, and this is in all of them, we normally have to go hunt up someone unless they are bed ridden.

But you should sit down with one of the admin of the home and let them know you are getting ready to report them, unless they want to talk with you.