[rjg1234]

I need some honest suggestions! Read carefully and tell me what this means!

My best friend and life long love of 10 years has given up on me.

We were friends in high school, throughout college, and afterwards. We never dated each other, but always had that very strong attraction. We talked about everything and flirted all the time. He is the only guy I ever trusted to say anything and everything to. He was my "Best Friend's Wedding" guy. If we weren't married by the time we were 29, we would marry each other.

After college he told me he wanted to date. I initially didn't believe him because we dated other people while maintaining a very close friendship and thought he just wanted to cross the friendship line. Several months went by and he kept telling me he wanted me to move up north (I live in FL) and get involved in a relationship. After graduating, I just got a job and wanted to be close to my family for a little bit. I told him that we are just starting and I wasn't ready to move but would be eventually.

Last year he stopped talking to me out of the blue. I called, emailed, and sent texts and he never responded. In October, he called me and said that I needed to stop contacting him because he met someone (after dating for less than a year) and was getting engaged. I asked him what I did and apologized. He said, you knew I wanted to date you and I can't talk to you anymore because you are like an ex to me. I cried and apologized and asked if he thought that was fair and he said yes. I asked what I did to him and he said nothing.

I have never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want to lose him. I don't think he understands how I feel at this point. Is that enough to win someone back? I think he has convinced himself that I am an ex to justify that what he is doing is right. What should I do?

[oneguyinohio]

Sorry to say it, but I think you have little more than a memory of "one that you let get away."

It sounds like he has already made a decision about this. He has told you flat out to quit contacting him.

Accept that you are an ex- as in someone he is no longer interested in.

The timing wasn't right for the two of you. It's not that it is unfair or not. He doesn't have to change any of his current plans because you are at a different point in your life now.

I know it doesn't feel good when things work out this way, but it is just one of those sad things that happens sometimes. For me, the one who seemed like she was "perfect" for me through our close friendship at one point in life, joined the military and got killed before I ever had a chance to pursue things... Life has many ways of closing doors on us. We just have to go on looking for the right opportunities and doors to open with a willingness to explore those new opportunities and see what lies behind those doors once they do open.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, we can't make someone change their minds and opionions, and it is not what you did, or what anyone did, more than most likely.
Next of course you never did really date but were just friends,
It sounded like he asked you to move up to where he was but you decided not to, sounds like he was tired of waiting and moved on.

Sounds like this is the one that got away because he was wanting to move on with the relastionship and you decided not to at that time.

[rjg1234]

I see, but he is going from one extreme to the next. We spoke everyday like a long distance couple would. He visitied me one day and cut off all communication the next. Just one day, nothing. I don't think I will ever understand that. The history of us has to mean more than this... someone he has know for five minutes...

[oneguyinohio]

I see, but he is going from one extreme to the next. We spoke everyday like a long distance couple would. He visitied me one day and cut off all communication the next. Just one day, nothing. I don't think I will ever understand that. The history of us has to mean more than this...someone he has know for five minutes...

Last year he stopped talking to me out of the blue. I called, emailed, and sent texts and he never responded. In October, he called me and said that I needed to stop contacting him because he met someone (after dating for less than a year) and was getting engaged.


The timing for you may have seemed like he was a possibility one day, but not the next. From the time frames you mentioned in the posts, it seems like it took him a little longer than 5 minutes... but anyway, yes, in a twinkling of an eye, it can be all gone.

[talaniman]

You may as well accept that he has moved on with his life, so let him go and find his happiness. After 10 years and many things in between, there is nothing left to do but get on with life. Hard as it is emotionally, at least you are both free now.It was never fair to either of you, to have put yourself on hold, until you had done what you thought was more important. You should ever have to wait that long to be happy. He just got tired of waiting to be the priority in your life.

[HistorianChick]

Darlin, You let him get away. I'm sorry to say that, but I think it is the truth. He gave you the chance to see what you could be and you rejected him... it may not have felt like a rejection on your part, but to him, it was a big time rejection.

I honestly think that you need to move on. He has. He's found someone that loves him and wants to marry him. He chose that over someone who looked at him as the fall-back guy... if you were in his situation, wouldn't you?

I know that you didn't mean to look at him like that (or, that you really think you didn't) but hon, he was the fall back guy. As were you at one point, but when he realized that he didn't want you to be the fall back girl, he decided to act and make you the "now girl"... you weren't ready for that... so he moved on to someone who would be.

He's one of those "should haves" that we all have in the back of our closet. I'm sorry, darlin. I wish we could help you more.

He's happy... let him be happy.

Find what makes you happy and go for it! Don't wait, don't put your happiness on hold.

Good luck, hon.

[kraz]

Sorry, but you did let this man go. Tragically, we don't really appreciate what we have until we have lost it.

Send him a note of congratulations and wishing him a happy life and that if he ever needs a friend to talk to, he can call you.

[Sickandhurt]

You know what? Contact the hell out of him. Don't do anything creepy, but send him letters or voicemails or something saying you just want to talk and it can all be over. Sit down with him, and find out what happened. If he really is the love of your life, go after him!! Don't be dissuaded by the possibility of rejection. At least if he rejects you hardcore, you'll have more answers than you would have if you just gave up. Have no regrets in life. At least let him know how you feel. No one can really help you but yourself, these forums won't have magical answers.

[susangpyp]

It seems like he had deeper feelings for you than you had for him. You wouldn't go there and he didn't want to wait around. He's now with someone and considers you someone he had deep feelings for and doesn't want that to interfere with his new life.

For him it was not as simple as you have painted it. I once had a best friend fall in love with me and he had to pull away and I had to let him.

This is about what he can and cannot handle. He's set a boundary and it has to be respected. Maybe when he's settled down he will rethink it but I wouldn't count on it.

[s_cianci]

Actually he has every right to do what he's doing. He is engaged and he has the right to be. You really can't expect him to continue his friendship with you at its former level now that he's engaged to someone else. He is getting married to this woman and entering a new phase in life. It's now time for you to likewise adapt. A change in his life means a change in yours as well, one that won't include him. I'm sure that he'll always remember you as you will him. But now it's time for you to likewise begin a new phase in your life which will include new friends.

[runrunrun]

I need some honest suggestions! Read carefully and tell me what this means!

My best friend and life long love of 10 years has given up on me.

We were friends in high school, throughout college, and afterwards. We never dated each other, but always had that very strong attraction. We talked about everything and flirted all the time. He is the only guy I ever trusted to say anything and everything to. He was my "Best Friend's Wedding" guy. If we weren't married by the time we were 29, we would marry each other.

After college he told me he wanted to date. I initially didn't believe him b/c we dated other people while maintaining a very close friendship and thought he just wanted to cross the friendship line. Several months went by and he kept telling me he wanted me to move up north (I live in FL) and get involved in a relationship. After graduating, I just got a job and wanted to be close to my family for a little bit. I told him that we are just starting out and I wasn't ready to move but would be eventually.

Last year he stopped talking to me out of the blue. I called, emailed, and sent texts and he never responded. In october, he called me and said that I needed to stop contacting him because he met someone (after dating for less than a year) and was getting engaged. I asked him what I did and apologized. He said, you knew I wanted to date you and I can't talk to you anymore because you are like an ex to me. I cried and apologized and asked if he thought that was fair and he said yes. I asked what I did to him and he said nothing.

I have never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want to lose him. I don't think he understands how i feel at this point. Is that enough to win someone back? I think he has convinced himself that I am an ex to justify that what he is doing is right. What should I do?

10 years is a long time to be friends.
I think that there is a difference of opinions between you to what the relationship really was.
The fact that he sees you as an X makes this different.
He is saying quite clearly to you that his feelings ran deeper than yours and that he could never reach you on that level.
He feels that if he continues to communicate with you he will be betraying his new fiancé.

If you love him as a friend and not an X lover be happy for him. That is where true friendship lies.
If you are running after him when he is in a relationship then you will be viewed as " the other woman" and the type of woman that cheats and runs after attached men.
This will lead you too much pain and heartache, even more than you are experiencing now.
You cannot own another person and your actions will eventually be seen as manipulative and egoistic.
If he gets married and they have a quarrel, how strong is your friend to turn down your advances?
Do you really want to end up being in the 2nd psition your whole life?
I believe you really need to sit down and think of morals, judgements and consequences of your actions.
You need to respect your friend/ X's wishes and see your best qualities to move on. That can be hard but you can do it and I wish you lots and lots of good will.