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nirvusrek · Feb 5, 2008, 12:27 PM

My 14 yr old son and I have always had a good relationship until recently. He has never had a problem with me keeping tabs on what he is doing, online or otherwise but he has been changing his passwords and lying about who he is meeting at the movies and elsewhere. When I speak with him about these things he gets defensive and angry saying I don't need to know. I try to explain to him that all I am doing is making sure he is safe and not putting himself in situations he will regret but he doesn't want to hear it. He is very secretive about everything and hides himself in his bedroom. He tells his friends that I am all in his business and has them making sure I don't find out anything also. What am I to do? Do I keep trying to communicate with him or do I give him his space in hopes that he will do the right things? :confused:

N0help4u · Feb 5, 2008, 12:45 PM

Do you have any idea who his friends are? Maybe it is time to get to know their parents and feel the situation out like are they good parents with good kids or do they let them run wild?
Oh and if you are communicating with the other parents that might irk him more and then you can say, "well if you don't want me asking them then YOU tell me the truth and I won't have to!"

Fr_Chuck · Feb 5, 2008, 12:48 PM

Let me see, he can't use the computer unless it is in a public area like front room, he can't use it, if you are not allowed access to it

If he lies about who he is going with, youi ground him the next weekend and so on. It is not interfering it is good parenting and he will thank you latter.

This is just a rebelious time many teens go though, they don't want anyone over them at a time they actually need more supervision.

twinkiedooter · Feb 5, 2008, 12:52 PM

Sounds like he is obviously hiding something from you. Your gut instincts kicked in on that one for sure. He could have probably fell into the "wrong crowd" very easily whether at school or after school and knows what he's done is wrong and can't help but hide this from you.

Do not nag whatever you do as this will only drive him further away. Yes, he seems to be well aware of your concern, but you must remember he's starting to get to the age of being a teenager and that's the hardest for him to cope with.

You need to keep the conversation lines open between you... just don't accuse, etc. if you don't know for sure. Do keep your eyes open for any sudden change in his behavior though. Drugs and alcohol are very alluring to someone his age and he's going to try them sooner or later.

When my son was his age I told him that I didn't care what he does just don't lie to me. Because if I find out you lied to me, I'll be more upset than whatever he did in the first place. Thankfully my son and I have always had a good relationship. Sometimes he did some wrong things, but the fact that he came and told me about them made it a lot easier to deal with. I told him I was disappointed in him for doing (whatever) but that I was not angry. If he got into any kind of trouble he knew that I would be the first person to stand behind him and back him up... provided he would tell me about it before the sh*t hit the fan so to speak. He grew to trust me and trust me well due to my attitude.

Having your son hide things and deny and lie to you is not good and will not get any better if you don't change how you look at things. He's not a little boy anymore, but he's not a full grown man, and that is where the "grey" area begins. The next few years for you are not going to be easy with him. Let's hope that he doesn't do anything foolish in the meantime that he will regret later on.

George_1950 · Feb 10, 2008, 12:58 PM

nirvusrek (love your name) says: "When I speak with him about these things he gets defensive and angry saying I don't need to know... He is very secretive about everything and hides himself in his bedroom. He tells his friends that I am all in his business and has them making sure I don't find out anything also. What am I to do? Do I keep trying to communicate with him"?
I think you have to be patient and wait on him to come to you. Twinkie's admonition to her son about not lying is a good rule; but it sounds to me that you may be making to hard of an approach. Try a softer one; do some things with him, like going to the mall and getting a milkshake. Spend time with him whenever possible and he will talk to you when you are quiet, I am betting.

dimpls · Feb 10, 2008, 08:49 PM

My advise to you is communication on his terms. Meet him half way. Let him know that you are still in control in this house and you need to know everything. Always kiss and hug your kids. They do want you to care. Granted he is just being rebellious ( which is normal for his age ). My 18 year old, when he was your sons age had me on the kitchen floor crying daily. They go through that but be his friend and keep you eye on him from a distance. Check up on where he is, or who he's with. Don't trust him yet, be careful you don't want to loose him. Believe me been there, done that.

justcurious55 · Feb 10, 2008, 11:08 PM

You're the mother here. He's living in your house, that means he lives under your rules. If he doesn't like it, too bad. If you tell him you want to know where he's going and with who. He tells you the truth or he doesn't go. And I like fr_chuck's idea for the computer in a public place. He shouldn't be doing anything on the computer that he has to hide.