[Sammy68]

I'll try to make a long story short...
I was divorced approx. 15 months. Ago from a man whom I was married to for nearly twelve years. We have two children together.
The marriage ended for several reasons. See 1/16/08 post: "Confused About Ex-Husband".
I just ended my relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 10 months. He had nothing to do with divorce. I met up with him about 5 months. After my divorce was finalized.
The relationship did not ultimately work between my boyfriend and I, because I did not make that "connection" with him. That's the most basic way I can describe it. Also, I'm sure I am not completely over my ex-husband either.
Since I just recently split up with my boyfriend, my ex-husband has been calling me a bit more than usual, staying on the phone longer than normal, and he has been emailing me jokes, which he has not emailed me anything since our divorce. He has a girlfriend that he's been seeing for probably around 10 months. As well, but recently he made the statement that he doesn't really care for her, he's a bad boyfriend, etc. He has told me in the past that he is still in love with me, but it's over and he has no intentions of a reconciliation.
My ex-husband has not been speaking to me about anything on a personal level. He's been calling nearly on a daily basis, but just to touch base about our kids.
Am I reading into this too deeply? Am I being unrealistic or delusional?
I don't know why I am still having so much trouble letting go of this.
Is it possible that he feels the same way I do? Or am I just allowing this man to string me along or am I just stringing myself along?

[George_1950]

Short answer: I think you need 120 days, no boys or men. Concentrate on yourself and don't let him use the children for leverage.

[N0help4u]

Often even in the worst of relationships it is hard to get over the bond you did share and remember the good times more than the bad. That is probably what he is doing. He might not want you back but he most likely is comparing his new girlfriend with you and she doesn't measure up. Don't read into it or you most likely feel like you got hurt all over again.

[450donn]

Not sure what or why you divorced, and it is really none of my business. However, if it were me, I would suggest to the X that if he was willing that maybe we should seek counselling together. If he goes for it, then you would have your answer. Maybe he still has feelings for you or maybe he is simply looking for pity sex. Only way you will know for sure is if you just up and ask. No harm in asking is there?

[Sammy68]

The common sense side of me would definitely have to agree that going 120 days without men would be ideal!

As far as a counselor, I suggested this a long time ago but he didn't seem too responsive to the whole idea. Maybe it was because the whole divorce thing was still too new. I had asked him months ago on a few different occasions if he would consider a reconciliation and he would basically reply, "You move too fast for me". He would not commit to go in any direction. I'm sure he felt a lot of anger and pain still. Maybe he still does.

I don't know if he's comparing me to his new girlfriend or not; I know I can say I compared him to my old boyfriend, as wrong as I'm aware that that is. I couldn't help it. I don't think he's looking for sex. He has not mentioned "us" in any context.

I'm afraid to approach the counseling idea once again. I'm afraid he will tell me "no" and I will feel like a fool. Just like I have in the past. Plus, he still has this girlfriend he is seeing and I really have no idea how involved he is with her. I know he spends quite a bit of time with her, but like I stated above, to me he tries to play down the relationship. I don't know if he's being sincere or not.

I asked him about 2 months. Ago if he was still in love with me and he said, "Yes, I will always love you". I asked him if it was over for good and he replied, "Yes". Granted, I was still with my boyfriend at the time.

I should let this go. I don't know why it rolls through my head over and over again. This is horrible.

[450donn]

Sammy,
It sounds to me like you need some counselling to help you get to the end. Coming from a broken home when it was a tabu all I can offer is that you need to come to grips with the end of this relationship and try and move on with your life. It sounds to me like you are still stuck in the grief phase of this situation. Maybe your X is too?

[Sammy68]

450donn - appreciate your advice and all the other's advice as well.
I went through counseling and I apparently did not reach that end.
I know I have to come to grips with the end of this relationship. But apparently I have not. I still do grieve. I guess in time, it will get better.
I do not know if he grieves or not. If he did, he would never let me know the truth.
There is a part of me that would like to go to him once again and ask him if he wants to see what we can do, now that I'm no longer involved with someone else. But he does have someone else in his life. So, I feel like that's probably the wrong thing to do. I suppose if he does truly indeed love me, he will end his relationship and migrate toward me in some way, shape, or form. If not - I guess I have my answer!
And without killing what bit of integrity I have left!

[talaniman]

Unlike other relationships, you guys have a kid together, so must get along on some level, just for that reason. That doesn't mean you have to be in love again.

[oneguyinohio]

I don't know the details of your divorce, but I can relate to the feelings and long term wondering about reconciliation and not wanting to give up dignity etc... been going through it for 7 years... neither of us has had a new relationship... or if she has, she's kept it a pretty big secret... so that part is different in our situations... The 120 days suggestion is the first I've heard of that... I was suggested to wait 2 years to give me time to find myself... That was long ago over... but the feelings are still there...

My personal thoughts are to forget about the dignity if you want to try... I don't mean to blurt something out, but at least keep the communication going... and see if he wants to go on a date or something... If the new woman doesn't have a ring... then go with the attitude that all is fair at this point of the game... You know him pretty well, along with your personal divorce history, so if you take your time and let him work up to the possibility of how life with you can be best or better... then maybe you have a shot... no guarantees in life of course... You'll have to play it as a maybe in life, and be willing to have it not work... if you want to invest in the possibility. Most people choose not to, but then that is there dicision, and perhaps not right for everyone.

[Sammy68]

ONEGUYINOHIO,
It's good to hear a man's perspective. Probably the best thing for me to do, is take some time for myself and my children, concentrate on our new move, and just focus on our life, with him not in the equasion.
I've been sick over this divorce since it happened. Some days are worse than others, but I just keep coming back to the way that I feel for him.
I'm not going to be invasive and talk to him about the way I feel. I think he is very well aware of how I still feel about him. The ball is in his court.
I do worry about the my integrity, because I've poured my heart out to him in the past, and it seems like there is a part of him that may relish in my pain - maybe I'm mistaken - I don't know. The reason why I believe a part of him may relish in my pain is because of his own bitterness. I was the one who left the marriage. I had to leave for awhile. I was sincerely hoping with a bit of distance put between us back then, would help me to get it back together. A lot of things were going on and I just could not mentally or emotionally cope with anything at that particular time.
Well, here I am. I suppose I hurt him too bad for him to consider a second chance.

[George_1950]

Sammy,
It sounds to me like you need some counselling to help you get to the end. Coming from a broken home when it was a tabu all I can offer is that you need to come to grips with the end of this relationship and try and move on with your life. It sounds to me like you are still stuck in the grief phase of this situation. Maybe your X is too?

Add to this your last comment where you are taking responsibility and guilt for the relationship not working out, these are what I call 'mind games', and you will play tricks with the past; and as Talaniman has pointed out in other posts, become impulsive and do silly, stupid things that you will regret. There are reasons you feel what you do, but the overall affect, IMOP, is that you are not as 'well' as you can be; therefore, you lack confidence in what you are thinking and doing. Too much emotional goo that can only be straightened out when you realize that you are responsible for you. And it takes time. HistorianChick recently has written a neat little free verse piece on the formation of a pearl within an oyster; have you seen it? You should print it and carry it around with you.

The Pearl and the Oyster


A grain of sand embedded in the soft flesh of an oyster
The pain; an impurity tunneling away at the hidden depths
The oyster, unbeknownst to the harsh and cruel world surrounding him
Quietly struggles to rid his body of the offender.

Slowly, the single grain becomes a jagged cut
Followed by tears of pain
Not knowing why he hurts so, he presses on
Desperately seeking to purge his soft tissue.

Repairing the breach by fashioning a scab
Completely covering the torn membrane
The oyster begins to heal himself
Becoming stronger and wiser from the grain.

To the beholder, the healing scab has become a precious pearl
A soft, glistening reminder of elegance and beauty.
To the oyster, but a testament of
A battle fought
A weakness overcome
A victory won.

It is up to you to make the struggles of today
The pearls of tomorrow.

© 2008 HistorianChick

[kraz]

This is going to sound blunt, and I will apologize now for what I am going to say.

Get over him, let him go, get on with your life with your children!

Earlier you wrote, before the divorce he wouldn't support you with your sick child (glad he has made it threw) that you needed support and comfort and he didn't provide that, and you found that briefly from someone else. Then you need time apart, totally understandable! The way I see this, he gave up on you and his family first, by not being there, and too so easily turn his back on you, without trying counselling or reconciliation, if he loved you as he claims he does, he would have tried everything to make the marriage work. I also see it as, he didn't want the marriage to go the distance.

He took the children away on holidays with your once girlfriend, you have to look at that and think, how long had their friendship been going, was this why he didn't want to try with you.

You really need to finish the counseling you started. You need to distance yourself from him, personally and emotionally, make that final break. He knows how you feel about him and it does look like he is stringing you along. Giving you false hope, because he says he loves you, he knows this will keep you where he thinks he wants you?

You need to set boundaries, e.g.. Only phone and only to speak to the children. No more emails. If he has a key to your house, ask for it back or change the locks. No more anything on a personal level. You need to stop, as hard as that will be, but I really think you are hoping for a relationship he will not give you.

You have a shared past, and you are sharing your children. Now you need to make a future without him in your life.

[Sammy68]

Kraz,

Do not apologize for your bluntness; your advice is much appreciated.
And what you are saying makes perfect sense and somewhere within the "common sense" sector of my soul, I know this is true.
I have always felt like to, some extent, he has kept me somewhat on a string, but more than anything, I've led my own self on, I think.
You are right. If this man really did love me, no matter what, he would've made every effort possible to reconcile the relationship. He did nothing. Nothing but right after the divorce, take our two children to Walt Disney World on the exact date of what would've been our 12th wedding anniversary, with a girlfriend of mine. No remorse whatsoever. And tell me on occasion that he still loves me, etc. but he has done absolutely nothing to even point in the direction that he wants to attempt a reconciliation with me. I believe what you said is true, if you love someone enough, you will at least make an attempt to get things back on track.
I guess I've spent a long time (even when we were married) having self-doubts about how much he really loved me. And it hurt, oh man, did it hurt. Then when my son grew very ill, he was not there at the end of the day. My son still grieves to this day, because he felt like he was not there for him either.
I know I did some things at the end of the marriage that were not appropriate and I'm certainly not proud of, but I'm done kicking my own butt over those things. My counselor had told me that I did what I needed to do at the time to exit a bad situation. Probably so.
I do need to go on with my life. I do need to put this behind me.
I will go to another Dr. I think sometimes I may need a mild sedative, because I've had serious bouts of anxiety and depression.
I will take this time to try and focus on me and my children. I'm really trying.

[zig_1]

You asked: "Am I being unrealistic or delusional?"

Sorry, but you're being both unrealistic AND delusional. Time to make a healthy choice for you alone.