[mta]

We have been together for a few years now. I was wondering what might be the causes for the following: he in never interested in my day, valentines day birthdays go by for me without much notice, he has no compassion if I am upset or need him (which is not very often) he tells me to get over it. Also he ignores things I ask of him, he constantly finds things to criticize me about causing fights for no reason, he never looks at me (if I dress up or dress in something sexy he doesn't notice. We don't have any affection except me sleeping close to him at night which I do and I usually get his back. We don't kiss or hold hands and it has been months since we have had sex every time I try he is tired or stressed or not in the mood or a whole list of other reasons (and I know in other relationships he was never this way). He is never available at work when I call, he doesn't even call me anymore, and he works very late. He locks his computer and phone and vehicle when he gets home and will sometime just go to bed. In the past he has called me every name in the book and tells me I'm not good enough. Nothing has ever happened to cause a rift in the marriage. He is a very strong Baptist so I don't think he's cheating. The first several months of our relationship he was nothing like this always complementing me kissing and showing affection. What's happened? Thank you

[twinkiedooter]

What's happened you ask? He got married and it was not as he had imagined it would be. Marriage can be quite a shock to men as they watch too many Hollywood movies that portray marriage as something it really isn't. He really turned around and headed in the opposite direction from where you two started when you first got married.

His being overly secretive and extremely non affectionate tells me that he probably has someone else and he does not know how to tell you. Being a Baptist is all good and everything, but men will be men regardless of their religion.

If he keeps calling you every name in the book and you are just taking his verbal abuse, he knows you are his doormat and he's going to keep using you as such.

You need to confront him if you want to and address the obvious possibility of another woman and see just what he says and does OR you can just start making plans for life without hubby immediately. I'm sorry to tell you that no, he is exhibiting all the signs of someone who is no longer in love.

[Fr_Chuck]

NO, if he is doing all of those things, he is first not a strong Baptist, he is merely a back sliden one, since a good Christian does not treat their family that way. He is doing something

Beyond getting him to go a counseling service I don't see muchhope.

[mta]

This question is for strong religious men out there... If the husband simply gets bored with his wife and falls out of love, will he still be able to stay married without infidelity. Can a religious man stay faithful to a wife he doesn't love? Also what reasons do men have for not wanting to love someone that they truly did love at one time especially since nothing happened to ruin the relationship?

[4answers]

Any man can staff faithfull, just as any one can.

Being faithfull to a partner or even to god is a choice... Nothing more.

However if your talking about the emotional attachment and drive to be with another once the love has gone. The desire and drive is always there, its natural. But it's a choice to act on it or not.

[talaniman]

It's a lot to expect for a man/woman, to lose that feeling and stay loyal to his partner I think. But if he has a strong conviction to his marriage, he may just stay loyal.

[ISneezeFunny]

Short answer, yes. They can.

As far as why he might "fall out of love"... another short answer: $hit happens.

When someone figures out how someone else can "fall out of love" gimme a call.

[Homegirl 50]

It is possible. Have to you thought about going to a marriage counselor? There are ways to rekindle the flame.
Since you say you are a religious man, pray for your marriage, ask for it to be restored and then seek some counseling so that you and your wife can get back on track.
Does your wife know about this?

[mta]

Why won't my spouse confess to cheating? It has been going on for a while now and there has been many arguments over it. I have many different forms of evidence and my spouse has been caught in many lies and sneaking around. But when I ask about it there is no admittion of anything not even speaking with another person, even when there is evidence right in the open. My spouse claims to still love me and wants to be with me. I have already made it very clear that I want to be over it and move on, however he won't admit anything and is still continuing with it. Why doesn't he end it with me if that's what he wants or just finally end it. And why won't he admit to anything at all. It bothers me because we are very faithful and he has swore to God. Why won't he come clean? Is there anyway to make him confess on his own. Thanks.

[Fr_Chuck]

Put a gun to his head?? No of course there is no way to make him confess. And why do you have to get him to confess, 20 years from now, he may talk to you about it, And I guess my question is, what are you waiting on?? You blame him for not ending it, well you have not ended it either, sounds more like you want to make sure he takes the blame to? Make yourself justified?

If you know it for sure, have all the evidence then move on, you are wanting something that you can not force to happen.

[simoneaugie]

Have him served with divorce papers. When the divorce is final, what he does or does not admit to is immaterial.

[JBeaucaire]

They're married, they're not dating. The rules are supposed to be different.

It doesn't sound to me like the OP is asking if we think she should end her marriage, she seems to be asking for help on getting him to be more honest so she can move past this issue with him.

Am I correct?

Now, as to your questions, MTA:

Why won't my spouse confess to cheating?
Because he's one of "those guys". He doesn't feel the need to admit. In fact, pressing him on it directly may have the exact opposite effect you want.

Is it really just the confession you want? That may be a long way off. If you're positive it is still going on and you are willing to do the work to keep your marriage together, you may need to step off the "confess" issue for awhile.

Instead, spend your time showing him you know what's going on and need it to stop. See, no questions. If he's cheating, he's doing it on his own time... so show up "during" the cheating activity and take your man home.

Talk to the cheater, the cheater's husband, family, coworkers. Whoever you can enlist to interfere with their activities.

See, no questions.

Why doesn't he end it with me if thats what he wants or just finally end it?
Because he loves you. He wants his cake (you) and his dessert (mistress). As long as he's getting away with it by successfully denying anything is going on, it will continue.

He will stop when he is properly motivated to stop. Embarrass him by exposing his activities to everyone you know, or quietly pack your things and separate from him.

If his behaviors don't cost him anything he cares about, he isn't motivated to change.

See, still no questions. If you do separate, don't ask him to change. Just tell him why you've left. (still not screaming divorce, you notice?)

And why wont he admit to anything at all?
Asked and answered. When cornered he's feigning innocent. Stop asking questions.

Present your evidence on a daily basis, show up during his cheating events, let everyone in on his activities. A HUGE part of his enjoyment of this affair is the secrecy. Deny him that.

Why wont he come clean? Is there anyway to make him confess on his own?
Asked and answered. It has to cost him something. He'll never confess on his own without it, and I'm still confident confession is irrelevant.

Lastly, previous suggestions are effective, too. I'm just one to always try and shake the tree REAL hard and save the marriage.

[mta]

My husband has narcisistic personality disorder and always blames me specifically for all his problems no matter how ridiculous it is. He recently started going to counseling for other issues. Is someone like this really capable of loving someone else? We have two children together and there are moments that I can remember early on where he was compassionate and aware of his flaws, but now it seems something has changed him. Does he know his faults or does someone like this actually believe that they are perfect? Recently I have suspected him of infidelity (actually for the past year right after our second child was born) am I foolish to think that a marriage can be saved with a person like this. Still he will not admit to any wrong doing even when I have proof right in front of him. Throughout our relationship he was verbally abusive, it has only been recently when I told him I couldn't deal with that aspect anymore that he has seemed to limit the hurtful things he says to me. Does he feel remorse? And should I hold on to the hope that someday we will be the way we have always talked about? Thank you

[mta]

My husband and I have been together for several years now and he has no desire for me at all. The first year he coulndt keep his hands off me, but I was a younger than. Im only mid 20's now and he never wants to touch me. Even before we got married he never seemed to want to touch me after the first year. We both agreed to be chaste before we got married so I can justify that (however him never wanting to even kiss seemed strange) but we are married now! He always has some excuse and its always after I have tried several times and he finally gives in averaging once every 45 days or so. When I go out I get men looking at me all the time, and I have been told that I am attractive, smart, down to earth person, I know that sounds conceeded but I am not I only added that just to give some back ground. What is wrong with me, or is it him? We have discussed several times and I don't know what to do now.

[starbuck8]

What are the reasons he gives you for not wanting to be intimate very often. Does he have issues with sex and being close? Does he have a job that is stressing him out? Is he depressed, or just too tired? What does he say to you when you bring up your concerns?

[N0help4u]

I don't know much about it but often people with these types of problems tend more to learn to fit in. Their feelings, emotions, rationalizing and logic are more learned behavior as far as compassion and how to treat others.
He may very well love you as much as he knows how and is capable of.
His always projecting blame and all is something he very likely doesn't have much control over and has no idea how to change it.
A good psychologist should be able to tell you what his personal limitations are and how to work with him on his behaviors and all.

[mta]

The excuses are stereotypical I'm tired, I have a headache, I'm not in the mood, I'm watching this show. Granted I know there are times that these things are true, but literally every single time for 3 years straight (married life, 2 years dating).

[Alty]

It's time to think about counselling, get to the bottom of this with professional help. It sounds like he has issues, and he's either unaware of them or not comfortable enough to talk about them. This isn't good for your marriage, get some help.

Good luck.

[Choux]

As I understand it, he never had sex before he married you. (Was it for religious reasons?) Anyway,

Just my take on it, my reaction if I were in your situation. If he is not a porn addict, I would think that he is a homosexual. I would never think that it had anything to do with me... if he were heterosexual and a decent person, he would be discussion sex with you.

He is running away from you and sex.

Possible?

[Kayla8918]

I agree with Choux. He has the capability to love you, but not have sex. He only does it once in a while for you not for him. Look online on your history of the computer or on temporary internet files and see if there's any gay sites he's looked at.

There is a possibility that he has a low sex drive or something wrong with him. If you know he has a problem you need to confront him.