[linnealand]

I'm kind of hesitant about posting this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I know that the community here is capable of unbelievable support for anyone that needs it. This is as true for people who are looking for a better way to fry chicken as it is for people who are trying to hold their lives together.

I feel like this poor woman has been reaching out, unsure of how to ask the right questions, and very sure that the foundation her life is based on may very well be crumbling beneath her feet.

I do think that she is grasping at straws, that she is considering every single possibility that could answer why her marriage seems to be falling apart. We can only imagine what it would be like in her shoes, experiencing the frustration of her situation. Her husband is doing some very sketchy things. He locks his car, his phone and his computer - he locks her out of them. The only person who could possibly do these things would be someone with a lot to hide. He withholds all physical affection. He wouldn't even kiss her until they were married. She finds items that she believes to be drug paraphernalia in her home. When she said lightbulbs, I don't think she meant regular old unmanipulated bulbs. She's concerned that he is not attracted to her. She's concerned that he might be a narcissist. It may be harder for us to put the whole story together when it is spread into different threads, but she's looking for answers wherever she can get them, and I don't blame her for that.

I have gone through her posts, and I am shocked at how many times people have gone after her. She didn't talk about "henpecking" her husband (which, by the way, I find is a rather misogynistic term). She didn't talk about nagging him to death. She said that she asked if he is gay. If I were in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing. She didn't say how she asked it, but a lot of posters assumed that she was doing it in the worst way she could. What would be a good way to ask your husband if he's gay? And if you really thought that might be the root of the problem, how couldn't you ask him?

We know that he calls himself a devout baptist. Whether he practices what he preaches, we don't know, but if he IS gay and he believes that being gay is a soul-condemning sin, it would not be unusual for him to act out by pulling away from his wife both emotionally and physically, by doing drugs, by experimenting with men in relationships (or even with prostitutes)... this list could go on forever.

If he is not gay, I would still be suspicious of him cheating. When a relationship is honest, both parties are open books. He does not sound like an open book to me. It looks to me like he's put a lock on his cover. If he is cheating, it could be with someone he actually loves, or it could be with different people with whom he has no emotional attachment. It's possible that he has repressed sexual attitudes that actually cause him to act out sexually.

Regarding the question about signs that a man has been having a sexual affair, I think she means the male equivalent of lipstick marks on his shirt collar, smelling it on him, showering as soon as he gets home, used condom wrappers... that kind of thing, not how he runs or says "fabulous."

It's true that we don't know all the details of the OP's life, but I think we have more than enough to go on to say that this story is bad news. Alten was absolutely right in suggesting counseling. If he isn't willing to go, or if he doesn't take some serious steps to meet his wife halfway, I can't see things working themselves out on their own.

The suggestion of hiring a private investigator is a brilliant idea. You will have your answers much more quickly that way, and you will be able to move on with your life, whatever the outcome.

mta, I hope you do come back. I hope you feel like you do have people to turn to. Synnen's suggestion of writing everything out in a new and complete post is excellent. I bet it would also help you to put all of your concerns in one place. It might make things a lot clearer for you, and it might even be therapeutic. I also hope that no one is going to attack her again when she's asking for this kind of help, no matter how she does it.

[N0help4u]

How many women actually see that they are or even admit to henpecking?
The main problem I (and I think others) see here with trying to 'help' her is that even when she has been asked to please give us an idea of things he is doing she doesn't and then only goes grasping at more straws. Like she will not answer things like
Does he stay out all night and she has no idea where he is?
Is he doing drug deals or doing drugs that she knows for sure?
Is he looking at gay porn?
Is he talking on the phone and hiding who he is talking to?
Shutting down the computer site he is on when she walks in the room?
What does she consider narcissistic behaviors?

Yeah he does not sound like an open book but often some guys will shut down and hide if they do not feel like answering a wife with a million questions because they find it easier.
So far she has said stuff that does not really implicate him into anything other than her suspicion.
And most of that is very flimpsy at best.

So yeah that would be nice if she would come back and do a single post that explains everything with more detail

[linnealand]

There are some good questions in your post, nohelp.

Let's hope she comes back to answer them!

[Praying4u]

You have to stay faithful to your wife, the scripture in Matthew 5:27-32; Matthew 19:3-9: and Mark 10:11-12, unless there has been Adultery on your wife's part, you will cause yourself to commit adultery, the woman you are with next to commit adultery and your wife that you would divorce to commit adultery with the next man that would marry her. With the Lord being so close to coming to take us home to be with him and wrap this old world up, do you really want to be responsible for so many souls and their blood on your hands. Please brothers be strong, hold on to the Lord, seek a Holy walk with God. God's blessing will not be with you to walk out on a faithful wife. Remember what you felt for your wife when you first met her and how you felt when you fell in love with her and first touched her. What you did to kindle the fire with her in the beginning, do it again and again and again! If she doesn't look the same or the other women look better in your eyes you have taken your eyes off Jesus and on to yourself. God's word in Ephesians 5:25-33 commands husbands to just love your wife as Christ loved the church, love her faults away, be Jesus in skin for her. Another woman isn't worth losing eternity with God in Heaven for! I'll be praying for you.