[cries]

Hi I'm new here... decided to do a post of my story to see what you guys and girls think :)

I was in a LDR with my ex (my first bf) for nearly 3 years and late last year we both weren't really communicating as much as we should have cause I was busy with university and he was busy with work and other things... then I believe he met someone in his state and I think he fell for her but he didn't tell me he wanted to break up with me cause I was going for an operation... but I found out one day and I confronted him and he admitted that he found someone else...

I have been in contact with him ever since the break up (2 months ago) and all he's been saying is that he just wants to be friends with me... and of course I do feel sad when he talks about his new girlfriend, how can I not? Why does he think that I have moved on so easily? We had no problems at all... except the distance. So what do you suggest I do?

[simoneaugie]

Hmmm, accept that he's moved on. Get on with your own life. If talking to him bothers you, do NC for a while.

[JoeCanada76]

Honestly,

Many long distance relationships are hard to keep going. Keep strong. In order to keep a relationship strong both partners needs to spend quality time with each other and also needs to communicate well. Both go together.

I know it may be hard to except but long distance relationships are very hard to continue especially for a long period. I think that you do need to except the fact that this has not worked out and that he has found somebody that is close to him. It does not make it right, but being apart from somebody long distance I do not feel is right either.

I personally was in a long distance relationship, but finally it came down to one of us moving close to the other one just so it would not continue the way it was. It was not working. Do you understand what I am saying here.

Long distance is a MAJOR problem. You might have not seen it that way but your ex did.

I suggest that if you can, be a friend. That's it. He is not going to offer more. You also need to except that he has moved on without you. You can not force somebody to be more with you then they want to be. He just wants to be friends, if you can not except that. If it is all or nothing then stop contact.

It is normal to feel sad when he is talking about his new girlfriend. It is completely normal emotion. Do not push that emotion away but except it as it is.

Why do you think that he has moved on so easily? How long were you long distance for?

I suggest that you except this, stop thinking about what could have been. Know that maybe this is the best thing that could EVER happen to you. Because of him moving on, might open up some bigger doors for you down the road. More education, More personality, More experience in love, and for the next special person you meet will be even better for you then you ever imagined.

Do not search it out. Just live life, studying and volunteering and doing things that will open you up to meeting good people and one day that one special person that is meant to be in your life will be there.

Hope this helps.

[cries]

Hi guys thanks for replying :)

Yeah simoneaugie, I felt I should do the NC thing... then today he was like don't you want to talk to me when I didn't respond to his hello and I felt bad... cause we were like really good friends and I don't know if it is fair to ignore him cause I'm angry at him of the break up... but then again, I do have to think about myself...

Jesushelper76, thank you for your lengthy response... Yes, you are right... long distance relationships are always hard to keep going especially when the communication is not there.

Yup it all makes sense... I think if we were in the same state, everything would go so well... but yeah, I think he did quite well for 2 1/2 years knowing that he needs a lot of attention... but I always always there either on the phone or email or instant messenger... we had all kinds of contact... just not physical.

I think that is what I am confused about... I do want to be in touch with him and all cause he was of significance in my life but then again I feel like maybe I need some time away to heal (which I will get... cause I'm going overseas tomorrow for a couple of weeks and its unlikely for me to be near a computer or phone)... so hopefully after the trip I would have healed significantly... but otherwise, I will take more time away till I am well enough to listen to him talking about his girlfriend.

We were long distance for the entire time... we met online really randomly... but we got along so well that we decided to meet up 3 months after we started talking, just as friends but we found that we clicked so well, he wanted it to be more than friends so I agreed. In the start we saw each other like every fortnight... then after that like every month or so but we were always in contact somehow.

I think he has moved on so easily cause he craves attention... and I guess I couldn't do that in person for many months due to uni work... I saw him yesterday to 'hang out' and even though there was a temptation of doing girlfriend/boyfriend things... I remembered he is in a relationship and so I just treated him like I would a normal friend... things were OK at first but then when he started mentioning his girlfriend, I got upset but I guess he has this six sense of figuring it out before I even showed it.

I know that maybe one day I might find someone else but yeah, he was my first love that's why I think I'm so stubborn to accept it but I know I eventually will, with all of you to support me and my friends and family.

Thank you both for your advice... I'll try to keep busy and stop thinking about it so much.

[jiltedgirl]

Long distance relationships are HARD. Although not all the time, they oftentimes spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R. I know one of my exes ended it because it was looming in the near future for us. I ended it with another ex because we were in one.

Communication is key. Because we are human, we let our insecurities and misunderstandings get the best of us. It's as simple as that.

After a long commitment to someone (3 years is long), it would be weird for you to have moved on already or expect yourself to. You're doing great. Focus on the positive, such as the progress--no matter how miniscule--that you are making each day. (I made the mistake of doing the opposite... which prolonged the healing).

It's going to take time to heal. Let it take it's course. Don't try to rush it. So hang in there!

[cries]

Thanks jiltedgirl for your positive response... I guess I am making some progress everyday even if it is a tiny weeny bit... so it's a good sign and it's good to know that I'm not alone by reading some of the posts on this site :) hopefully this holiday will help me heal

[talaniman]

No contact what so ever, is the healing tool I recommend.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, lose his email address, and move on, make new friends and let time heal. Long distance relastionships are hard, often they can last for a while, but the longer time you stay apart the harder.

[HistorianChick]

Darlin, I was in a LDR for three years. If I learned anything, LDR's can work. They are hard but they can work.

That being said, ours didn't (double standard, I know! Sorry!)

My ex asked to "be the friend" and we tried it, but it was too hard. You need to distance yourself from this guy... emotionally. Maybe one day, down the line, after you've both healed you can be friends, but when you are in this type of relationship for so long, you can't do the friends thing. It hurts too much.

Sorry to say, but you're going to have to cut him off completely. At least, that's my opinion - from having done it. Good luck to you, hon! :)

[thegirlishurting]

Communication is not the only key for a successful LDR. Maturity plays a crucial role and planning for the future helps too esp when both of you are in the right age to do it.

Physical presence matters a lot to some and that drove your guy to another girl. Its out of your hands now.

If you want to remain friends with him, be honest to him. Tell him it bothers you when he tells you about his girlfriend, that can make him stop and probably make him more sensitive to your feelings.

[cries]

Thank you all for your replies. I had a lovely holiday overseas and it really helped me get my mind off him.

talaniman, I started the NC mid Feb - I'm almost at the 2 week mark. I must say that it has been so hard and at times I did want to break it. I stopped myself before I tried anything stupid cause I needed to heal like you said.

Fr_Chuck, I have severed most ties with him at the moment. Only contact he can have with me right now is email or mobile. However, I have left my mobile off lately so that he won't try calling. It was so hard to actually do that because I used to talk to him every single day but I realised it wasn't fair for him to tell me stories about his girlfriend (when I had clearly mentioned to him that I was uncomfortable about that).

So from that day onwards, I stopped talking to him but I didn't exactly delete him from instant messenger. For a week, I got his messages online saying what was the matter and why I was ignoring him. I felt so bad but I knew I had to press the block button one day. I'm doing a bit better than I first started. I'm going to keep busy with uni and my friends and hopefully time and NC can help me with the healing.

HistorianChick, I tried being his friend too for the first two months, but like you said... it was too hard. I was hurting badly and he thought I had already "moved on" and therefore it was OK for him to talk about his girlfriend. When I didn't reply to the messages he sent to me through IM, he pretended he didn't know what was wrong. Then, he tried to make me look like the baddie by sending me a threatening email saying that he will not have any contact with me anymore, and that he has deleted me off some friend sites and IM because I was ignoring him. But next day, he desperately sent me an IM telling me that he wanted me in his life and that I should talk to him. Hmmm... I wonder why.

thegirlishurting, it wasn't that we were not seeing each other every now and then but I guess towards the end, he didn't put any effort... so I didn't. He was drifting away in his own world and now it all makes sense... he was off with this girl.

Thanks everyone for your input... I really appreciate it. I've picked up reading again and I'm on my way to recovery :)

[Witchywoman1212]

As a person whose recovering through a LDR break-up before.
NO,NO CONTACT.
Why should you have to listen to him talking abou this GF? Does this guy have any sensitivity at all?
It is all about you ,not him okay? He rejected you, don't care if its LDR or closer,

This guy might have done the same thing in person,hurt you.
People say LDR does not work, may be true but there are people out there who are committed enough to try to make it work. Unfortunately, lots of people don't.
They'd rather make it easier on them and find someone local.
But that doesn't mean you are obligated to be his friend, and talking about his girlfriend after he rejected you is truly insensitive to your feelings.
This is about you,take it from me, do complete N/C, so you can heal, its not easy but the only way.
Not to teach him a lesson but also let him know that you're not a safety net to turn to when his relationship gets rocky.
If you try to be his friend, what do YOU get out of it? Being friends w/someone you're in love with does not work and all it would do is make you accept second-class treatment. Oh let me call so and so, girlfriend is not around,I'm bored and have nothing to do and she'll alays be there.
Is that what you want?
I wouldn't really honestly try to regain friendship, all it would do is remind you that he chose someone else over you. Even if its his right, its your right to not fall for lets be friends line. Read Vivia12 post,"Is it right to ltell dumper that you dont want friendship".
Its basically almost the same situation. You do what you can for you, to heal.

[vivia12]

OMG! Its like reading my post! I never thought someone else went through the same thing as I did. I do the same thing,don't pick up his calls,ist hard but have to do it. Why should I be there for him when he has someone else.
Stay strong and don't do the friendship thing,take it from someone whose been there and done that!!

[TrueFaith]

I recommend No contact. Why would you want to be friends with someone that left you? I know I couldn't you was trying to keep the relationship alive and he went off and met someone else

Yeah with a LDR it is important to talk and if 1 of the people don't want to do it then well :) it won't work
Zs

[cries]

Witchywoman1212, I had already started the NC process 2 weeks ago until he rang me today... I didn't know who was calling cause it was "anonymous". I felt that it could have possibly been an important call but it was him. As soon as I heard his voice, I put it down. I was scared to talk to him and I had nothing to say. Then minutes later I received a message saying that he didn't know why I put it down and that since I'm all fine with the break up, he won't have any contact with me again. Of course it hurt when I read it but it just reinforced myself that why should I be friends with someone that threatens me just cause I don't want to be his friend. Why should I go out of my way to do this for the guy that dumped me and left me for someone else? Why should I even care anymore? It's not like I don't care but right now I need to be selfish and think about myself before him.

vivia12, I wish I didn't pick up his call today... but I honestly didn't think it was going to be him. Unfortunately, I was wrong... I don't know if I did the right thing of putting it down. Should I have told him why I was ignoring him? Should I send him an email my reasons for doing so? I personally think it is a bad idea because he would have nothing nice to reply to me or perhaps might not reply to me at all. I don't exactly want to hear his negativity right now. Every now and then when he said that he didn't want to talk to me again before, he unblocked me on instant messenger and tried to get my attention days later. I had him blocked for the past week so he could not bother me. I guess since that wasn't working so he tried to call me on my mobile today (which I usually have switched off because I don't want to hear from him). However, I had it on today cause I was going out with my friends so I was expecting calls. Do you think it's a good idea to tell him why so he can stop bothering me?

TrueFaith, yeah, no contact right now is the best option. That is what I'm questioning myself these past days... Why do I want to be friends with someone that left me? Why should I... it's too hard, too annoying and I obviously don't want to be used as a substitute if she is gone one day.

Thanks for your replies everyone... If you are going through all this as well, don't worry you are definitely not alone. If you want someone to talk to you or listen at the very least, I will be here for you. We are all here to help each other out and I'm glad I posted on this site... and read useful advice here because where would I be right now if I didn't? *hugs to you all*

[talaniman]

why should I be friends with someone that threatens me just cause I don't want to be his friend. Why should I go out of my way to do this for the guy that dumped me and left me for someone else? Why should I even care anymore? It's not like I don't care but right now I need to be selfish and think about myself before him.

As long as that's the way you see things, your healing will go very well. This is the kind of attitude that you need, to cope with your loss, so well done, and very well said.

[vivia12]

Hi Cries,
You did the right thing,don't answer his fruitless calls and don t feel guilty about it either.tal is right, You have the right attitude.
Obviously he didn't think you were the one for him so he picked someone else wich in my experience,hurt like pure hell and so to ease his guilt or whatever
Basically keeping you in his life,you have to comply with it?
Who died and left him boss?
No don't feel guilty,he hurt you and leaving you for someone else, LDR or not,just like in my case does not excuse the hurt and rejection.
Tell me,what are you suppose to do, pick up the phone, have a nice coversation with him while the weekend rolls around and you don't hear from him,
Why?! Because you know he's with his girl-are you willing to deal with that? I did and that was nothing but a waste of time.
Whatever coversations you'll have w/him will be limited- you couldn't really ask him,hey, what you doing this wknd,
Or did last night,w/out him saying I'll be and was with my girlfriend.
Is that suppose to make you feel better?
Take it from someone whose been there,and tried the friendship thing,all you are doing by being friends is telling him, yes its okay you rejected me,oh I'll just be your friend and you can call me whenever you wish. Whereas he'll think,wow, I have my girlfriend and Cries here as a emotional support when I need to talk. Everything on His terms.
NC is opposite of that,it says you have something called Self-Respect and not going to take crumbs while he gives someother woman the real deal!
As for your question, by doing NC that's what you're telling him "Not Interested" if he pursist,just write him an e-mail saying "friendship is not an option for me" no, you hurt me,I can't deal w/it. He's not stupid,he knows.
Hope it helps!!

[cries]

Thank you talaniman, you are right. I definitely need that attitude to help me cope with my loss. I don't like being selfish but I have to be at this time.

vivia12, thank you for your advice. I know as hard as it seems, I won't answer any more anonymous calls or calls from him that's for sure. I think he is pretty pissed off at me because it is not all about him anymore and probably nobody else is there to talk him. Is he trying to contact me because he misses me? I'm glad you are on the right track. You seem to have the right attitude going for you. You are so strong... keep it up! I'll try my best to keep my head high and start living my life like it was as soon as I can.