[Suelle383]

So, my boyfriend and I have been together nearly four years (with a 2 month "hiatus" last summer that we worked through). For the most part, we've had a pretty good relationship. Never had any issues with infidelity, distrust, abuse, etc.

As usual, the first 2 years we were having sex 3-5 times per week. He couldn't get enough. Then for the past 2 years, we've had our ups and downs in that department. Some weeks 3 times, other weeks only once, some weeks none at all. We go through rough times and then always seem to bounce back.

But over the past month, we've only had sex twice. I've tried to initiate it about 3-5 other times than that and he's been uninterested. I know he's not cheating so that's not a possibility. We discussed it briefly last night after we tried unsuccessfully, and he says he's frustrated too but he just doesn't know what the problem is. His exact words were "I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't know why I don't want to have sex with my girlfriend who I love." So, basically, this has me feeling pretty undesirable and very very unsexy. I haven't changed physically since we met (in fact I'm in better shape now than ever.) So its not due to my physical appearance. I guess he just doesn't see me as a sexual being anymore. He says its not a big deal and not to worry about it and that he loves me and he only wants to be with me but I just don't know what to do. The more I get upset and hurt the more he says "what, is this relationship all about sex to you?".

So, this week we're meeting up to have an open and honest discussion about our relationship and what's going on. My question is, what do I say? What can I do to make things better? I'm afraid the more I talk the worse it'll get. Any ideas? Proactively trying to seduce him or spice things up I'm afraid will only lead to more humiliation for me so I'm hoping opening up the lines of communication will help.

[kp2171]

Talking is good.

Almost all long term relationships go through some of this. I am in a great relationship, but that doesn't mean it doesn't take work.

I absolutely don't think that he thinks you are not sexy or sexual. That's you speaking. Its how you feel after his neglect. Its reasonable for you to feel that... you place the blame on yourself. Its not you, honey. Its him.

Some people are wild about the "chase" and then lose interest after that... it's the "been there, done that" syndrome.

Problem is, you need more than that. You want a man to chase you, seduce you, and want you.

I'm not saying he can't turn the corner, but I'm worried that he isn't willing to do the hard work it takes to keep a relationship moving.

What you are asking is not unreasonable. Senuality is a big part of who we are. And his neglecting this is just not OK.

So... what to do next? All you can do is all you can do. Lay it out, cut no corners, and tell him what you need... period.

If he fails to step up, you know he is a lazy lover, and you deserve more than that. Sometimes a "great guy" just isn't sexually or sensually compatible. It is so NOT your fault.

Talk to him. If nothing changes, well... then you know where you stand. If you choose to be with a guy who is more of a roommate than a lover you cannot complain. Its your choice.

I hope you demand more for yourself... and I hope he buys a clue and tries like hell to satisfy you.

[smoothy]

How old is he, and how old are you? Some of our answers will be different if he's 20 than they would be if he was 60.

[Choux]

Does he watch porn? That could be a part of the problem.

In addition, after the first 2 years of a relationship, the initial sexual excitement wears off, and couples have to make an effort to be more interesting as a person(many interests) and more creative in the lovemaking department.

Four years is a long time without getting married. Marriage is the best arrangement for a woman to bloom sexually as well as feel more secure emotionally and financially.

Rule of thumb, if you aren't going to marry a guy, move on after 2 years no matter what. You can break up amiably, no need to cause an uproar and anger and point fingers :).

[Synnen]

Has he been placed on any medication in the time you've been together?

Has he spoken with his doctor?

Loss of sexual urge can be as simple as a side-effect of a medicine, or it could be a sign that something more serious is going on.

[Suelle383]

He's 26. I'm 30. It really is the insecurity I feel. Everything else in the relationship lately has been great and we cuddle, kiss, etc. Its just the second I start to feel insecure I flip out and get panicky. I wish I was one of these girls who only wanted it once or twice a month. My friend and her boyfriend only have sex once every 2 weeks and she's fine with it.

I just wish I knew for sure that things would turn around again. I just have a hard time being patient. I know the "been there done that" thing cause I feel the same way. That's why I hope talking to him and expressing that I feel sort of the same way but here are things I'd like to do about it will help. I feel bad cause I feel like my complaining is only making him feel even more insecure and unmasculine.

[Choux]

Suelle,

You are a woman now, not a girl. :)

Now, the only reason you are with this guy is because you are afraid that you can't find another boyfriend. I hope he is turning his paycheck over to you so you are getting something *real* out of this relationship. I'm telling it like it is. You have lost the joy in your life over this guy and are blaming yourself, not him. Tisk Tisk he was *lucky* to have you...

Time to move on to greener pastures, girlfriend. :)

[Suelle383]

I'm not going to break up with someone over a month of bad sex. And as for his paycheck, I couldn't care less about that. I can make my own money. I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to handle/discuss this without making the situation worse. He's completely open to talking about and improving this aspect of our relationship. I guess I just wish there was a magic pill or something. For some reason, I feel very inhibited when talking about "sex stuff", i.e.. What I like, what I want". I guess I'm just going to go for it and put it all out there and see what happens.

[kp2171]

OK.

Well... two things.

As mentioned already, communication about sex is really a critical part of a healthy relationship. Its not always easy, but it is important, unless you just happen to be the extreme minority that hit it off perfectly every time.

I think a have a pretty decent sex life with my partner. A child complicates things. Life gets in the way. Egos get in the way.

I don't know your guy or how he responds to suggestions... so I can only speak for myself. I don't consider myself a "butler" in bed... I want some "quid pro quo." I'm more than happy to chase my girl down, but I'm also not just there to service her. There needs to be some balance... even though the sight of getting her off first is about the sexiest damn thing there is.

She has always been a "reader"... I like to read, but I tend to get caught up in the hum drum of life and ill put it off with the intention of getting all my other obligations done first.

What does this have to do with you? Well... my point is that she will find an interesting book now and then about sexuality or sensuality that she finds really interesting. Shell tell me shed like me to read it... and I do. Immediately. Or sooner.

We've read through probably a dozen "sex" books. The last one she picked up was "she comes first"... basically telling how to give good oral to a woman. She read it no more than 10 minutes and said "this guy knows how to get a girl off!"... now... that's like a double dog dare.

Like I can walk away from that.

We'd had a decent sex life before, but when my partner says "i want you to do THAT"... I kind of think its in my best interest to listen. Maybe its just me, but when my partner is satisfied sexually, EVERYBODY wins.

So maybe you can do the same? Find some things that are interesting to you sensually and ask him to read it. Talk about it.

There are fetishes I have that my partner doesn't share... but she knows about them and can play off them, even if it isn't the "exact script" id like to run through.

Likewise, through communication, I know what gets her off. Some of it I might have figured out on my own.. but the more you can talk, the better.

Last thought... what about timing? Ask him when he prefers to have sex. My partner and I are complete opposites. I want sex just before bed... the exact time in which she is exhausted... or I want it in the middle of the day. She wants sex at 5am... the exact time I think morning breath is at its worst.

The compromise? Well... honestly I'm now more of a "morning person" since something is better than nothing... but she also knows if I'm "pestering" her at night, that I really, Really Need some Attention. Now, please.

So the suggestion is to talk a lot, try not to attack him too much about his failures, but don't be afraid to say "i need this, and this, and this to be happy sexually"...

I think all people deserve a chance to step up to the plate and perform. Give him that chance without it being a threat.

After that, if he does not step up... time to think about whether you are compatible or not. I respect that you don't want to break up because of a month of bad sex.

That said... take a few minutes on this site to look at how many of the adult sexuality threads are from women who are miserable because their partner is asexual or uninterested. It is not a pretty thing, and its not something to be ashamed of.

While I have great relationship with my wife, I can tell you honestly that if she wasn't satisfied sexually we would be having some serious discussions. Sexual compatibility is something that should be discussed.