[Atimeto]

Hello, I'm not sure if it's just my intolerance or that my husband is simply too much work. He cannot interact with me without questions and answers in details. He literally demands details. It dosen't matter what it is. There are so many examples. The last question he asked me was, "why did I place the ice tray back into the freezer without any water?". Is this not obvious? that either I was unaware of what I was doing at the time or I simply couldn't be bothered to fill it. I was stacking wood yesterday as I have done over the past three years. He pushes in to take over the stacking when I turn around, then he asks me for the hundreth time why do I do it that particular way. I always give him the same answer, "it works for me, the job gets done". He seems annoyed with my response. I told him to let me please continue with my job of stacking so he could tackle one of the many jobs that needed attending to by him. He did not like that I said this. He drove off bought some beer and sat at the computer for the rest of the day and night. The same questions over and over gets old. I know as soon as I answer him in a flippant way I'm in for trouble. Just before dinner he noticed that I had left out a jar of olives to one side and insisted that I explain to him why they were out. Why so many questions? Why can't something be because it is, why does there have to be a question for everything? We have just finished our dinner. As I was serving myself I smiled at getting a big helping of onions. He noticed that I smiled and immediately said, "why are you smiling, is it something I said wrong"? Help! I'm exhausted! Any thoughts on this would e greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[N0help4u]

I know a lot of people like that, mostly guys. Often guys will start an argument as an excuse to run to the bar or to buy beer and then not do anything. I call it pouting.
This one guy I was starting to see use to get mad and tell me he didn't want to eat.
I would tell him its your stomach not mine. So I wouldn't cook for him and then he would get mad that I didn't give him anything to eat.
I noticed that there is a lot to compatibility with your astrology sign and numerology numbers. But it is a lot of learned behavior and 'old baggage' as well. I am guessing he was born in a fall month and he has a lot of 7's in his numerology
And you were born possibly in the early spring and have some 3's in your numerology.
Definitely control issues.

Since you can't give him smart remarks back, (which is my favorite way to deal with this, but I know you can't with some people) my second favorite option is when you see he is ready to start on you about something, (before he gets a chance)
Volunteer, "Oh I came in the kitchen to make the sandwiches and I got the stuff together and put the meat on the bread and then I used the olives and condiments and I JUST got done putting the other stuff away and took a second to...______________...before I went to put the olives away."
Give him the start to finish and include the why's.
If he asks you why you are laughing or smiling simply say "cause I am in a really good mood".

[George_1950]

There is an old saying, that if you tax something you get less of it. Your husband is taxing your ability to communicate together. It is as though he is taking you for granted. There is no way you will 'fix' him out of a self-help book, or something like that. I think you need to get to a marital/relationship counselor and take up the subject of effective communication. Check this: How to communicate effectively with your husband or wife to save your marriage | eHow.com

[cerisa]

All the questions are of course a control issue. You answer, and he will tell you what you did wrong. He won't change, you need some help here. Go to a therapist with or without him. Good Luck

[Atimeto]

Thank you. I hope I'm posting my response in the correct area. If not, my apologies. Positive and constructive takes on this is very welcome and helpful. This is long so I would understand avoidance, big smile!

I'm curious about behaviors that are learnt that are not productive. That can be turned around by action rather than words on my behalf. Here's a little on where I'm coming from. If I had been the one reflecting upon this I would see me to be rather stupid to put up with this kind of behavior. This would have been before I found myself in these circumstances.

I've learned some hard lessons on my judgement of others. Right or wrong it's human nature, to judge in order to access ourselves, I would believe. For me there came a point of no return living in my safe and small world, that was me four years ago. My husband was demanding before we married. I knew who I was marrying. I come from a world where a man carrying a beer bottle around in his hand for the rest of the night when he finished work would be seen as not the done thing. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with this just stating fact. A man who would raise his voice very loudly in a department store in order to get assistance. This would would be frowned upon also. It's embarrassing and crushed for the person at the other end of his demands I would see. Or maybe that's just my interpetation. I'm Irish and he is Cuban/American. He's 50 I'm 40. I've challenged him on his ways. His feeling are these people are paid to serve and make me more informed of their products or services.

I choose to be objective with my husbands demands of me and others. Being objective at least gives me something to work with. I take this from different angles. If I choose to ignore his indifference towards me, which I feel are unfair and demanding. I'm told that I'm cold and uninterested in his communication. Now, if you ignore a behavior it eventually dies. Unfortunately in the process of ignoring his unreasonable demands I have been told I'm not listening to him. So this only works in it's place. When I do listen to him he tells me I don't understand him. I say yes I do. He says I don't. So he repeats himself again. I interject and he says I'm interrupting. I don't interject and he tells me I'm not listening. He repeats it all over again. I get bored and tired at the time and probably show it somehow. Oh it's not my intention, it's not worth it. I eventually have enough and say how can you possibly tell me I do not understand you when I have told you over and over I understand. He replies, I know by the look on your face. Possibly the look he gets is what a waste of time other than being able to get into my head literally you will just have to take my word for it. No matter what strategy I've taken he's insistent I never listen to him. It's probably not fair on him that I bore of his insistence in repeating himself to me. Now he has explained his frustration of me which I'm not sure are over the top but I'm willing to take it on board. That I do not nod, smile, interject at the right times while he is talking. This makes him feel unheard. He has suggested that if it were him he would say, oh I understand or mm. . Is that a fact. . That must be terrible. I've listened and replied, that's your personality. I have different ways of responding. If I were to respond like this so you would feel validated then I would not be concentrating on what you were saying I would be concentrating on what reply would make you feel listened to. It's like an on-going saga.

He tells me that most Americans would respond in this manner as he would that I have communication problems. My reply to him is I never thought about this before now as I've never had anyone tell me I'm difficult to communicate with. I never gave my communicative way much thought until he insisted I go seek a counsellor as I make his life unbearable. So if I cannot be relaxed while he is talking to me. Actually, My husband talks at you not to you. I know this is long winded. It, for me helps to color the picture for a more objective understanding of his our ways. Is there anyone here who has been in similar circumstances and been successful at resolving issues like this. Thank you for thoughts.

[N0help4u]

Ignoring isn't the answer because it empowers the one doing the behavior to snowball his *authority* to the point you are left feeling you have to let him have control.
Tell him NO it is you that does not listen to me.

Concentrating on what you were saying I would be concentrating on what reply would make you feel---exactly my feelings when I have dealt with demanding people like this.

You need to tell him that you feel the only answer is for the two of you to go to counseling to learn how to communicate with him since you don't seem to get it.

Let him feel you are the one needing the help. Then if and when you go the counselor will see the games he is playing and if he is a good counselor he will call it to his attention and
Hopefully get him to see how he's effecting your reacting or not know how to react to him.

He is manipulating you and as long as you ignore him he is going to get away with it and see himself as right and you as being a mess that he has to fix.

[Atimeto]

Thank you. "NOhelp4U" I totally agree with the saying you have in mauve at the bottom of your post. "Time has a way of working things out . . . This is where we part roads. I believe that we (everyone) needs to take time. To force or rush things in order to "make it happen" you will loose the learning that is paramount in the result of what it is you wish to achieve. I believe his choosing to force, is at the bottom of all of this. Thanks!
We've gone to counselling. Amazing but true, he has convinced the counsellor he is the victim. He has a way and an energy that convinces the outside world he is perfect. In his own mind, he is. Unbelievable, it would have to been seen to be believed.

[N0help4u]

I believe that we (everyone) needs to take time. To force or rush things in order to "make it happen" you will loose the learning that is paramount in the result of what it is you wish to achieve. I believe his choosing to force, is at the bottom of all of this. Thanks!

Exactly you can't force things to happen or you get results that may not be the right results.
But you can't be a doormat and leave him manipulating you either.

We've gone to counselling. Amazing but true, he has convinced the counsellor he is the victim. He has a way and an energy that convinces the outside world he is perfect. In his own mind, he is. Unbelievable, it would have to been seen to be believed.

That's too bad. There are many counselors that I have no idea where they got their degree.
The problem is that in his mind he IS.
If everybody is blind to how he is then he also most likely is a con artist because they can convince people of the exact opposite.
People that try and tell you you are all wrong make me want to just sit back and say you get your own food, you stack your own wood, cause I can't do anything to make you happy.