How do I tell her

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 03:39 PM

I didn't share my feelings with that special person and now she is seeing someone else. I recently found out that he has a past criminal history of drug involvement. I have not verified this yet but intend to on the first opportunity back in town.
My question is how do I get the information to her without making it look like a feeble attempt to win her back by making him look bad. She is 46 yoa and is very anti drug. I want her to be happy but I also want her to be safe. Lets not forget that I want to be the one to make her happy.

manutd4eva · Jan 12, 2006, 03:46 PM

I would say the bit about drugs to her 1st then wait before you say anything about you and her or it will look like uv made it all up or you could just say you found out about that he does drugs(or used too) and that you would thought it would be good to tell her not because you want to be wither but more because you are looking out for her.

Good luck

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 03:52 PM

She already knows how I feel. I just waited too late to tell her. I need all the luck I can get to convince her to come back

CaptainForest · Jan 12, 2006, 03:53 PM

Just tell her.

If this information is true she will be grateful you told her.

However, she might not believe you (i.e. your history) and therefore that is bad. In which case, have some third party give her the information. Or mail her the information.

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 04:01 PM

I wish it were that simple. But I am afraid she will just dismiss it if she has feelings for this guy.

CaptainForest · Jan 12, 2006, 04:06 PM

Originally Posted by cdh

I wish it were that simple. But I am afraid she will just dismiss it if she has feelings for this guy.

Ok.

So drop off the info in her mail box, without letting her know its you.

Or have one of your friends/relatives who she doesn't know pretend to be a cop and go to her house asking about her boyfriend and his drugs, etc. Like, we think he bought some drugs the other day, where is he?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 12, 2006, 04:08 PM

First why are you wanting to check up on someone's past,

Does it matter if he has a criminal past, used drugs some years ago or anything like that. It is what he is now.

If you wish, you may mention to her what you heard and perhaps where you heard it. But if you and her are broke up.

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 04:18 PM

My information also led me to believe he is still involved in the drug business. I don't want her to get hurt. I have hurt her emotionally and want to make it right. I just don't know how to do it and interferring might push her further away. She is truly an amazing person. Beautiful on both the inside and out and that is a rare combination in my opinion At least in my town anyway. I just want her to know what she may be involved in.

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 04:24 PM

CaptainForest,

Can't do that. Here late husband was a Superior Court Judge in our small town and she knows all the cops and I am ex law enforcement for the state. I am still trying toverify the information but legal issues prevent me from runnig a full criminal history. Thanks though

CaptainForest · Jan 12, 2006, 04:30 PM

Originally Posted by cdh

CaptainForest,

Can't do that. Here late husband was a Superior Court Judge in our small town and she knows all the cops and I am ex law enforcement for the state. I am still trying toverify the information but legal issues prevent me from runnig a full criminal history. Thanks though

Ahh, a small town. That might not work then. I live in a big city, so I thot something else.

You can try to talk with her, or go to someone she respects. Perhaps her sister, or best friend and show them the evidence and have them talk to her. Or all 3 of you sit down to talk about it.

DrJ · Jan 12, 2006, 05:07 PM

Let it go. Don't be that guy. If this info is true, he can't keep it hidden form her for long. Now is NOT the time to tell her if you have suspicions about this guy. It will come off the wrong way. Trust me! If you EVER tell her, wait until you two are on a "friends" basis again and are talking again. Then you can bring it up. Now is not the time.

Plus, as Chuck said... if its in his PAST leave it there. Its not right to dig up old sh*t about people and try to use it against them now

dennism · Jan 12, 2006, 06:13 PM

I agree! Do you best and try to let it go. Give it some time. If this guy is what you say he is, I'm sure she will find out. Stop thinking about them both being together. How long has it been. I would give it at least 2 months or so. Remember it takes about 2 months for the real person to start coming out. If it's only been a few weeks, he is still putting an act on. Relax, go do things you enjoy. She knows how you feel about her so let her come back to you.

cdh · Jan 12, 2006, 06:22 PM

Thanks to all for the advice. More and more troubling info keeps arising. Best bet is to leave it alone and find out for herself but I just worry about her. As ex law enforcement, I have seen first hand what that kind of life can do to innocent people. My emotions also come into play and I will continie to discreetly dig for more info just to verify what I have been told so far. Some of my sources are reliable and some I have qustions about. I can't let it go until I know for sure but I won't say anything unless I know she is in harms way.

nwsflash · Jan 13, 2006, 11:57 AM

You can not go and tell her anything until your 100% that the info which you have is all correct...

Im sure the last thing you would want to do is make trouble for you and this girl, she may just think that your trying to make trouble, so once you have all the info and can confirm that its 110%! Hard fact this is when if you are going too tell her I would, but also I would ensure that I had the full facts!

cdh · Jan 13, 2006, 04:40 PM

Yeah I know it would sound like sour grapes. Have not been able to confirm the info yet and when/if I do it should come from a third party.

Thanks

nwsflash · Jan 13, 2006, 04:44 PM

Originally Posted by cdh

Yeah I know it would sound like sour grapes. Have not been able to confirm the info yet and when/if I do it should come from a third party.

Thanks

I agree coming from a third party is your best option !

s_cianci · Jan 15, 2006, 04:41 PM

First of all, how reliable are your sources regarding this guy's alleged criminal activities? You have to be very careful about spreading negative information about someone else or you could be setting yourself up for legal trouble. Even if true, if you do so without any practical reason where the general public well-being is concerned (such as if he were trying to get a job as a school bus driver, for example), you could be in a lot of trouble. This woman is 46 years old. She's a big girl and I'm sure is capable of knowing what she's getting herself into. I honestly don't feel that it's your place to try and "protect" her, at least not in the manner you're suggesting in this post. You say that she's very anti-drug, so its' not likely that she'd get very heavily involved with a heavy drug user. He could be in rehab and kicking the habit. Also that could be your cue that she's not very serious about him, given his drug use and her strong antidrug stand. If he doesn't clean up his act soon, assuming that your information about him is basically true, I'm sure she'll cut herself loose from him in due time.

cdh · Jan 15, 2006, 04:56 PM

Not sure about the rliablity of the source. I would not spread any rumors because that would not benefit me in the least. I know it is not my place to protect her but I just don't want her to get hurt anymore than she already has been by me.

Rhondajv · Jan 15, 2006, 07:29 PM

I think you should leave it alone. Why are you "REALLY" checking out this other guy? It will back fire--making him look bad so you look good---If he's doing drugs she will see this. I'm sorry but you should learn from your lesson and move on down the road...

mattalchemist · Feb 12, 2006, 01:13 AM

OK dude I know what to do I am 12 and I have handled this problem already so I've got to tell you before you fauck it all up!

Well before you do anything I would suggest you make friends with the dude when he is not with her then get him somehow not to date her then she s all yours:)