[rambunctious]

After being in a relationship with a married man for 2 1/2 years, he now decides to do the right thing which is "let him do wat he's gotta do" in other words finish one before he starts another.
For the past 6 months I started to get fed up and had fights with him everyday because I see nothing is happening as he promised and things were really bad between us but we still tried to hang in there because either one of us wanted to be away from each other and refuse to give up and he said he was afraid to lose me.

When I first met I didn't know he was married for 6 months, I had my suspicions something wasent right and I confronted him numerous times and he denied it until he finally admitted it, then I told him I can't be with him, which I had already fell in love with him and he cried and said he's in love with me and he will get a divorce just be patient and understanding and have FAITH in him that if I really love him I wouldn't give up on him.
He told me he wasent happy but he's got a lot to give up and it doesn't happen overnite, then I month after I found out he has his first kid on the way which he denied at first when I had my suspicions again, I realized now staying in it was not the right thing to do, but I folllowed my heart and put my trust in him, when I had my doubts he swore on his kid's life that he will end it and he wants to be with me.

At this point he met my family and all my friends, I met a few member of his family and his friends became my friends, but my family never knew he is married, this and among every other thing eats me up every day as much as I'm happy when I'm with him I'm miserable when I'm not.
He always made me feel like I was a priority never made me feel like I come 2nd, until his wife found out from a message I left him then everything was hell he said he will leave but then he couldn't do it this now that she knows about me that its going to be a ugly and nasty divorce to wait until things calm down and to convince her he's over with me he convinced me to answer her calls when she kept calling and I denied our relationship I said we just met each other and just talked, he had also changed his fone # and tell her he's not talkn to me but he gave me the new #.
Now that was not the end, he said what I did by denying it was for the sake of me and him so we don't have to deal with the headaches when we are finally 2gethet.

After all that it continued for another 4 months and then she found out again from a text mess. 3 weeks ago and ever since he still convinced me how much he loves me and it's a different kind of love from what he had for his wife and he can't be without me and to give him a few weeks to figure out his life and clear his head and if and when he leaves it will just be me and will do whatever it takes to make it up to me and he hopes in the meantime he doesn't lose me!!
Supposedly he's giving it one last try for the sake of his kid.
He still left me hoping which honestly I don't think he's ever coming back but also I don't know how that marriage is going to work out after all that because now she knows everything, I think I'm in shock and in denial because for the most part I tried several times breaking up with him and he put the guilt on me and I gave in because he made me feel like what we had and shared doesn't come everyday and its hard to find, so I stayed until this now!! IT IS A FEELING I Don't EVER WANT TO FEEL AGAIN. I wonder did he meant it when he said he LOVE and IN LOVE with me, I just have so many questions as to what went wrong.

[talaniman]

INSANITY- Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. You have been lied to from the very beginning, continued to be lied to, and are currently being lied to. Your solution to the bad feelings is simple, stop believing his lies. Until you do that you will be insane.

[nicnac]

They don't leave their wives for us! Cut your losses and learn from the experience... put youuself in his wife's shoes, it could be you one day.

[twinkiedooter]

You are in denial about this whole relationship ever going anywhere. He lied at the beginning telling you he was not married to begin with. Men will cry and carry on when they think their bedmate is leaving them. If he wanted to leave, he'd have left by now. Just staying for the sake of his kid is a real cop out and you know it. Stop beating yourself up about this guy as he's just not worth it. Wipe your tears and find another man that preferably is not married. You'll be glad you ditched this lying two timer down the road.

[Allheart]

Hi Ram,

I am sorry at the swirl you find yourself in. YOU do have the power to pull yourself out of it though. As hard as it is and is going to be.

Ram, please, don't waste your time, your heart and your energy concerning yourself if he really meant it, when he said he loved you. You may never know. I would find his words so hard to trust.

You gave 2 1/2 years of your life already to a married man. Whether you want to believe it or not, that has to have done something to yourself esteem. No one deserves this type of situation, especially the wife and his son.

Pull completely away FOR YOUR SAKE. Do not take his calls, text or whatever other way he may try and contact you. This will be a hugely hard step for you but it is an important one. If you cling to false hope and his continual lies, a year from now, your life will look exactly how it does now and that is not what you want for yourself.

You can do this. Step outside of the swirling and actually take a look at your situation. What would your advise your best girlfriend to do?

Lastly, when those days get so hard and your heart hurts so badly, think of the pain the wife had to feel. It's a pain I can't even imagine and I am sure you can not either. So when you hurt, just stop yourself in your tracks and close your eyes and try and feel the wife's pain. Oh, and I am sure he did not paint a very good picture of her, probably more fabricated untruths as well, so he could keep you right where you are now.

He is making a mess out of his life, his wife's life and his child's life don't let him continue to make a mess out of yours.

You can do this. No more excuses, No more accepting, No more waiting and No more hurting a woman and child that never did anything to you.

[jrebel7]

You have entered a cold, harsh world when you got involved with a married man even though it felt warm and inviting. What is done is done. You have got to move forward with your life now. Make some good healthy choices for yourself. His wife is now everyday worrying that he is doing something with you and if not with you, she is wondering who will be next.

This man lied to the woman he pledged in marriage to always love and honor. They have made a baby together. What makes you think that this man would not lie to you? This may sound like a harsh reply. I do not mean for it to. I just know when trust is broken, it is rarely regained. Trust in a relationship is a rare commodity these days.

I want for you to be in a relationship that is new and bright without guilt, without hiding information. You should love yourself enough to walk away. Throughout the whole post, you are saying he has chosen to stay with his wife for this reason then that reason. If for him, his marriage was over, he would have walked away and filed for divorce. You say he has never made you feel second until.. But now he has and will. I have known of few divorces that didn't get difficult or a bit nasty during the process.

I do hear regret throughout your writing and I am so sorry you are going through this emotional upheaval but it is nothing compared to what a spouse feels when she lays with her husband at night, not knowing if she can ever trust him again.

We all make mistakes in our lives and wrong decisions but when you take stock of your life, and you want to do the right thing, difficult as it is, there is so much burden lifted off your heart. You are on to new beginnings. The lonesomeness for this person will be there for a time, that's a given because you love him but he is still with the person he said he wanted to leave 2 1/2 years ago. Make the break in your mind, your heart will eventually catch up! Best to you.

[Fr_Chuck]

I hope at least you are getting some material things, since that is all you are going to get from this man, if not you are saving him the cost of picking someone up on the street each week. That is about what it is really to him.

You should have broke this off the day you found he was married, you have lied to yourself. Perhaps you should let his wife know, since she is also being cheated by all of this,

[peggyhill]

I agree with the previous posts. This guy isn't leaving his wife, probably never was seriously thinking about leaving her, and has been lying to you. He is using you. Break things off. Do not contact him. If he tries to talk to you, tell him that you done with him. Tell him that you aren't going to waste anymore time on someone who is a liar, cheater, and manipulator.

Obviously, it was wrong of you to be in the relationship too. Knowing he was married and lying to his poor wife isn't cool. But, what you can do, is to do the right thing from this point on. I know it's hard when you are in love. But this man doesn't love you. He just loves having sex with you and not getting caught.

You have your whole life to find someone who truly loves you and who knows how to respect women. Forget this guy, learn from the mistakes you made, and move on. Consider some counseling to help you deal with everything you are feeling right now. Also get tested for everything because if he was sleeping with you and his wife, who knows who else he was sleeping with. He already lied to you about being married in the first place. You might not have been the only affair.

Hope this helps!

[rambunctious]

Hi Ram,

I am sorry at the swirl you find yourself in. YOU do have the power to pull yourself out of it though. As hard as it is and is going to be.

Ram, please, don't waste your time, your heart and your energy concerning yourself if he really meant it, when he said he loved you. You may never know. I would find his words so hard to trust.

You gave 2 1/2 years of your life already to a married man. Whether you want to beleive it or not, that has to have done something to your self esteem. No one deserves this type of situation, especially the wife and his son.

Pull completely away FOR YOUR SAKE. Do not take his calls, text or whatever other way he may try and contact you. This will be a hugely hard step for you but it is an important one. If you cling to false hope and his continual lies, a year from now, your life will look exactly how it does now and that is not what you want for yourself.

You can do this. Step outside of the swirling and actually take a look at your situation. What would your advise your best girlfriend to do?

Lastly, when those days get so hard and your heart hurts so badly, think of the pain the wife had to feel. It's a pain I can't even imagine and I am sure you can not either. So when you hurt, just stop yourself in your tracks and close your eyes and try and feel the wifes pain. Oh, and I am sure he did not paint a very good picture of her, probably more fabricated untruths as well, so he could keep you right where you are now.

He is making a mess out of his life, his wife's life and his child's life don't let him continue to make a mess out of yours.

You can do this. No more excuses, No more accepting, No more waiting and No more hurting a woman and child that never did anything to you.

Hi allheart,
Thanks for the advice, you are right I feel like I was in limbo, emotional roller coaster ride and also felt trapped... and didn't know how to pic k up the pieces because I got so used to him, I almost see him everyday, if not lunch, dinner or at least take me home from work.
He did told me a few of their problems like she cheated with her ex while being engaged to him and called off the wedding and she came back to him and on their honeymoon he had 2nd thoughts but he went ahead with it cause he loved her.
When things got really stressed with me and him he told me I am a replica of her that I am acting just like her and that is only pushing him away, so then I started to blame myself that I pushed him away, makes me feel like I pushed him away. I know I was not just about sex for him, we had a real relationship because I started not to trust him so he reported to me of his whereabouts I even have his password to his fone, so I don't know what to think anymore!

[jrebel7]

More manipulation, this guy!! He is a pro at it! Sounds as if he has had a lot of practice.

I would not want to be a replica of anyone in a man's life, married or not married.

He made the choice to marry her... did he lie as to her cheating on him?

Signed divorce decree would be the only time I would talk to this guy but are you sure even then you want someone who you know has lied to you and he has lied to his wife? You might eventually be his wife but then what? I imagine your future would hold lots of time checking e-mail messages, texting, phone messages, looking for a second cell phone you don't know about. He would be having visitation with his child, would you wonder if you were not with him if he was having sex with his ex-wife?

These are scenarios that might not ever happen but I am putting them out here for you to think about as it sounds in your post to Allheart that you are still excusing this guy and thinking about staying with him.

For your emotional health, "walk and block"! Walk out of his life and block him from your mind and heart.

[cerisa]

What a loser this guy is. Why would you (or any woman) want to be with someone who uses the women in his life the way this man does. Even if he divorced, He is not worth it. He cannot be trusted.
I feel for his wife. She has been betrayed very badly.
And you, why stoop so low? Are you worth nothing?
Both of you women should confront him and both leave him flat. That is what in reality he deserves.

[JBeaucaire]

Look in the mirror and make sure that's the person you dreamed about being when you were young. If not, YOU fix it.

I'm amazed at the amount of abuse (that's what your relationship amounts to) a woman will take with a guy who has shown deep interest, even after you find out the interest he's showing is completely inappropriate.

Think of it this way - when dating YOU are the prize. You are the thing to be earned and won, not the other way around. This guy has you working overtime to forgive HIM so that he'll be able to stay with you.

That's nuts. Not only should you wish him well and move on immediately, keep in mind from now on that you are the CATCH, not the CATCHER.

Look in the mirror, find your treasure, the good that is you and honor it. Do not let it go, and do not give an inch to inappropriateness from the men who seek your affections. When it occurs, give him a hug, wish him well, and move on.

Starting tomorrow, go back to being awesome, the girl you dreamed of being when you were 16. She's worth the effort.

[talaniman]

Enough, time to get off the pity pot and do something to protect yourself from his lies, like stop the contact asap, and get your life back to being healthy. NO BUT'S.

[Allheart]

hi allheart,
thanks for the advice, u are right i feel like i was in limbo, emotional roller coaster ride and also felt trapped...and didnt know how to pic k up the pieces because i got so used to him, i almost see him everyday, if not lunch, dinner or at least take me home from work.
he did told me a few of their problems like she cheated with her ex while being engaged to him and called off the wedding and she came back to him and on their honeymoon he had 2nd thoughts but he went ahead with it cause he loved her.
when things got really stressed with me and him he told me i am a replica of her that i am acting just like her and that is only pushing him away, so then i started to blame myself that i pushed him away, makes me feel like i pushed him away. i know i was not just about sex for him, we had a real relationship because i started not to trust him so he reported to me of his whereabouts i even have his password to his fone, so i dont know wat to think nemore!

Hi again Ram,

If only you could realize how much this guy has beaten you down. You said you fell in love with him and it was too late to walk away after you found out he was married, Ram, now it's time you fell in love with yourself. Love yourself enough to want more. Enough allowing him to do these things to you and his wife.

I am not saying that he has some sort of emotions for you but all it equates to in the end is unhealthyness for you, so what does it actually matter how he feels.

You have some incredible advice from the others here and I could not agree more with them.

Ram, it's time to take a stand for yourself and demand of yourself NO MORE. I know it's easy for me to say as I could give 2 hoots about this person disquising himself as a man and husband, but that's why it is easier for me to see and everyone else here the amount of pain he is inflicting on you.

Ram... NO MORE. Get a little journal out and each day write down how you are feeling. When you want to contact him, pull out that journal and start writing.

Start today to work on you. Start building yourself up again. What is one thing that you like to do? Read? Shop? Are you artistic. Pick one thing that you really like to do (outside of him) and do him. Find ways to do other things that have nothing to do with him.

I feel for you Ram, I really do. Ram, some problems in life, we really have no control over. This one you actually do. That makes you very fortunate so don't let it control you!!

Wishing you the best Ram - Now get moving on working on you and please want better for yourself.

Ram, one more thing, there is something to learn in all the things we face in life both good and bad, so take this whole situation as a life learning experience. The trick is to actually learn from the things that happen and correct those things that need correcting and enhance those things that produced positive results.

I'm rooting for you Ram - We all are!