[cdh]

I posted this earlier, and I want to see if anyone has any more advice.

I met this woman 15 years ago and there has always been a chemistry between us. We married other people. I got divorced and she is now a widow. I was hurt badly in my divorce. We started seeing each other after the death of her husband. I was scared to tell her I loved her and now she is dating some one else. How can I convince her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her after she has felt rejected by me for the last 3 months of our seven month relationship. I have told her how I feel and I want her back. I am trying to give her the space she wants and I have not been confrontational and I realize that I am a fault.

[DJ 'H']

If talking to her about how you feel has not helped, why don't you try writing her a letter.

Take your time writing the letter and be sure to include everything.

Start with how you feel about her.

Then explain about being at fault and in the wrong for making her feel rejected - but be sure to explain why you did it and how sorry you are for it.

E sure to let her know that no matter what happens you will always be there for her and add anything else you can to help her understand what was going on inside your head. Perhaps even send her flowers to go with the letter - if you know what her favourite flowers are, then even better. Only a small bunch though. You don't want to go too overboard to make her think you are hounding her, but you just want to get her attention.

Then give her a bit of time to think and let her contact you. I have every faith she will get in touch and the two of you can perhaps sort things out,

I widh you the best of luck, and sincerely hope you are able to put things right. Keep your chin up.

Keep us posted and let us know how you get on.

[cdh]

Thanks, I have written a letter and she knows that if I can't have her for the rest of my life I at least want to be her friend that she can call me any time. I have written a couple of short letters and I have taken flowers to her and left them at her door with the letter. Just a single red rose each time. I am willing to wait for her but I don't want her to think I am sitting at home all the time. She is my everything and she completes my life. I was just scared to tell her or show her and it hurt her very badly.

[DJ 'H']

Well I think you have done enough in that case. You just need to concentrate of yourself for a bit. By no means am I suggesting you forget about her and definitely continue to be her friend if nothing else for the time being. But get active, pursue your hobbies and keep busy whilst she has time to think things over. She probably is scared you are going to hurt her again, and just needs to learn to trust you again.

If she is seeing someone else, she will also need to access her feeling for him and also find a way to let him down gently if she does decide she wants to be with you. She has a lot of thinking to do - so just give her the space she needs and keep yourself occupied in the meantime.

But do keep us posted and if you need anymore help, don't be afraid to ask. ;)

[cdh]

Any guesses as to how long it will take her to decide? She was madly in love with me and told me but I hurt so bad and I am afraid that I have lost her forever because of my own stupid fears

[DJ 'H']

If she really loves you and is able to trust you again she will forgive you. I cannot put a timeframe on it, because everyone is different. All I can say is be patient and hang in there. She will let you know her decision soon enough, so rather than worrying, occupy yourself.

[cdh]

I try to but its hard to when you spend a lot of time on the road and in a hotel room. There is no doubt that she truly loved me she just had doubts as to weather or not I loved her. I think she trusts me to a degree but the new guy may fit her better. Both have a deceased spouse and a grand child about the same age. I have a 5 year old. There is only a 5 year differnce in our age but that doesn't matter. I always told her I wanted more children but now I realize that is not as important as it once was.

[fredg]

Hi, cdh,
You have received some good answers.
If she really does love you and wants you back, it will happen eventually.
But, one has to be ready to accept that maybe she doesn't want to renew the relationship.
I would continue writing to her, telling her you love her. But, after a couple of months or so, if she doesn't respond, it could be a sign that she is happy with the other man she found.
I do wish you the very best, and good luck. I do hope things work out OK with her.

[DJ 'H']

Well, as long as you have told her all this, then there is nothing more you can do but wait. You seem a very sincere & kind man and I am sure she will come to understand. But I cannot predict her answer, but will keep my fingers crossed.

I can see now, with you travelling a lot and staying in hotel rooms, this is going to give you way too much time to dwell and think about the situation.

I know it's hard, but you are going to torture yourself if you keep on dwelling and it won't help things with the one you love. Don't pester her in anyway and if you do contact her, just keep it simple & friednly? Like "hi - just thought I would phone to see how you doing? - what have you been up to? hows the little one?" keep it brief - by doing that you can let her know you are still there, you still care and think about her, but you are not pushing her, pestering her and you are giving her space. But having said that - don't contact her everyday - just now & again, when you have gone a while without speaking.

[cdh]

Thanks. Last time we spoke was Monday. It ended OK with me telling her I would giver her the space she wants but I would not give up.

[DJ 'H']

No worries. I think the next time you speak, you should not mention the situation. She knows how you feel, and she knows you are not going to give up. It's her turn to - the ball is in her court so to speak.

[cdh]

How long do you think I should wait before I call her

[DJ 'H']

Well if you spoke to her on Monday just gone and have not done so since then calling her over the weekend won't hurt.

[cdh]

Thanks everone. Does anybody else have any more thoughts

[DJ 'H']

No worries. Just glad I could help :)

[nymphetamine]

You say there's a chemistry between you right. Its like my biology teacher said to us one day " I dont love my wife. I chemistry my wife." In order to have a relationship that works you must have that chemistry. If it truly is there and she feels it too and she really loves you I don't care about the other guy she won't be able to hide her feelings too much longer. Yeah give her the space but next time you talk to her(if she will let you) tell her to look you in the eyes and tell you honestly that she doesn't want to be with you. Doesn't matter what she says you'll be able to tell by her eyes. I understand that she may be upset with you so just give her time. I hope she doesn't let the chance to be with you get away.

[cdh]

Thanks. I hope she doesn't let it go by either. Just found out that the guy she is with may have a criminal background involving cocaine and may still be involved in the drug trade. If so and she finds out she will dump him I am almost positive. Her late husband was a Superior Court Judge and my background is in Law enforcement. That information can't come from me because it will look like an attempt to make him look bad. I still have to check it out some more before I can get the information to her in a discreet manner.

[DJ 'H']

Thanks. I hope she doesn't let it go by either. Just found out that the guy she is with may have a criminal background involving cocaine and may still be involved in the drug trade. If so and she finds out she will dump him I am almost positive. Her late husband was a Superior Court Judge and my background is in Law enforcement. That information can't come from me because it will look like an attempt to make him look bad. I still have to check it out some more before I can get the information to her in a discreet manner.

I know you care about her, and you want to prtect her, but I would tred very carefully. If you do try to discreetly give her this information, but she finds out it came from you, you could blow your chances completely. If this guy is into what you say she is, she will figure it out for herself, or someone else will drop hints. Don't be the one to get shot in the cross fire. As the saying goes - the messenger is always the one to get shot. Be careful!!

[cdh]

Thanks, I will

[DJ 'H']

No worries. Have been there, done that. I just don't want the same thing to happen to you or anyone!!