[cdh]

I met this woman 15 years ago and there has always been a chemistry between us. We married other people. I got divorced and she is now a widow. I was hurt badly in my divorce. We started seeing each other after the death of her husband. I was scared to tell her I loved her and now she is dating some one else. How can I convince her that I want to spend the rest of my life with her after she has felt rejected by me for the last 3 months of our seven month relationship. I have told her how I feel and I want her back. I am trying to give her the space she wants and I have not been confrontational and I realize that I am a fault.

[DrJ]

What did she say when you told her how you feel?

[cdh]

I can't believe you are telling me this now and not three months ago. The guy she is seeing has been talking to her for three months and she could not tell him how serious our relationships was because she had her doubts

[jebbard]

Hey cdh... I tried the same thing. I got in touch with my college sweetheart about 6 months ago out of the blue. She became a doctor and I just happened to look her up online and send her a quick email to say hi. I always had feelings for her through the years. This was the girl of my dreams and the love of my life. I convinced her to go out to dinner with me although she had recently started dating someone. Neither of us were ever married although I am engaged. I was just curious and wanted to see if anything was there still. It was the weirdest dinner and I left the night very disappointed. This girl told me she wanted to marry me when we were in college and have my children. 15 years later there was nothing there. Nothing developed of the relationship she was in but obviously she wanted nothing to do with me because I have had to email her to prompt any contact between us. I told myself to let it go because it is more trouble than its worth. Like I said... sometimes you can never go back. If she wants to be with you all you can do is give her space. If she wants to be with you she will come around. But you can't force yourself into a relationship. Good luck.

[DrJ]

That's a pretty deep question. It can vary so much depending on what type of person you are and what type of person she is.

If it were me, I would approach her in a VERY confident way telling her that I wanted her back and that I wasn't going to take no for an answer. Odds are she wants you, too. What she Doesn't want is a man that doesn't know what he wants. Read that again because its important... in fact, here: what she Doesn't want is a man that Doesn't KNOW what HE wants.

She loves you... plain and simple. She needs to know that you love her and are ready to spend the rest of your life with her. It is also important that you do this with confidence. Don't walk up to her like you're just a big floppy c*ck (pardon my French)!! She needs to know that you KNOW this in your heart. Be true... be confident... be real. If you have to, tell her that you screwed up... tell her that you were afraid... you can admit that you were wrong. But don't do it with your tail between your legs! Make sure she knows that you are aware of your mistakes but that have realized this and MOVED ON... that you are ready to spend the rest of your life with her... be adamant!

I don't know... that's just what I would do ;)

[DrJ]

I didn't read jebbards post until just now...

Its true, sometimes you can't go back. But I have to disagree about giving her space and waiting to see if she comes around. There is NEVER time to wait... NEVER!! Do it and do it NOW!! Don't die wondering. She has been waiting around for you for months. The way she sees it could be that you made a feeble attempt at trying to keep the relationship where is was... which was unsatisfactory to her. That's why she left. You have to make her realize what you have now realized: that you LOVE her!! That you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER!!

Don't wait. You have to go get what you want out of life. Don't be afraid of rejection... if it happens, at least you will KNOW. Who knows, she could be a bit confused by it all and come back around once the things that you say set in. Maybe it doesn't happen with her... maybe it wasn't meant to be but don't let that stop you from telling her how you feel from the bottom of your heart!

[cdh]

I have told her this pretty much the way you described. I think I just did't it too late. I really think that she is struggling with what I told her but she was so hurt by me not letting her know how I feel that I think she is now afraid herself. This new guy evidently said all the right things where I said all the wrong things. The ball is now in her court and my heart is in her hands. I don't know what else to do but wait it out and make sure she doesn't forget how I feel without pushing her to far. It is a very fine line that I find difficult not to cross. I just hope she finds something about this guy she doesn't like and come back.

[DrJ]

You met this woman 15 years ago. That means that you have to be at least... 35? Or in your 40s.. right?

Do you have the time to wait for her to make up her mind? (dont answer that)

Regardless of whether you thin you do or not, you Don't! She needs to know this. You cannot leave this woman with power over your all. If it doesn't work out, it can destroy you.

Give it some time... SOME. Approach her again. Explain to her everything that you said you already have. Tell her that the time is now. You cannot wait around for her to explore other people. Your pushing 40! Its got to be all or nothing. You want her... fight for her. She may understand what you are saying but SHE DOES NOT KNOW that you mean it. If she knew that you meant every word you said, she would not be wasting time with this other guy.

Don't just let it hang. You can't give up your power like that. You need resolution for yourself, too. Ya got to break out of that shell. Its all or nothing and the time is now.

[cdh]

Dr. Jizzle,
Just read your second posting. She knows it is not a feeble attempt and she now knows how I feel. And she knows I am sincere. I don't want to try to "force her to come back, I want he to come back because she want to

[nymphetamine]

If she knows how you feel about her as you say then there is not much you can do but pray. Sure this other guy may have said all the right words but, is he the one for her? Does she love him? She will have to make the choice of who she would be happiest with.

[DrJ]

I agree... you can't force her. She needs to make the decision. But if the answer is 'no'... are you confident that she had all the info she needed to make that decision?

[cdh]

I don't know for sure that the answer is no but I am sure she as all the information she needs to make her decision. I think she is still in love with me but she is so scared and has been so hurt that she may protecting herself. I know she has feelings for this other guy and I don't how easy it will be for her to break it off with him

[cdh]

I am pretty sure she loves him but I don't know how in love she is. There is a difference and I think she is in love with me. I know she was at one time and I hope there is still the slightes spark and she will give me a second chance.

[cdh]

Thanks for all the advice. If anyone can think of anything else please let me know

[talaniman]

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst,Give it a little time and see how it goes at your age the moon dog act ain't to pretty but I do hope it turns out well for you.I'd call in a few days just to check out the weather,then make a decision.:cool: ;)

[cdh]

Thanks. I am not getting my hopes up. I told her that iwould giver her the space she wants but I would not give up. I intend to stay in touch with her but not go overboard.