[OregonSNOB]

I am not too sure where to start. I am on my third marriage and still do not seem to be doing anything right.

Let me give you some background information on myself... I am a disabled Vet who has PTSD/Major Depression/ with loads of Anxities. I am almost always hyper-vigilant/sensative to things around me. I really only feel safe when I am at home, alone, and then sometimes not even then.

I have been through a DBT class and have learned loads from that on how to deal with my feelings and emotions but it doesn't seem to be the answer when it comes to my anger, which is ever so present in my life, no matter what I do. I am a load better than what I used to be but it still seems to run/ruin my life. I am miserable.

In my current situation; married with step-children who think of me as their only known father, I have only lost my temper one time and had one child removed from the household. He was involved in a prior abusive marriage where he was abused both physically and verbally. From the very beginning, he and I hit heads. No matter what I did to make him feel loved, he rejected me and taunted me with his hate for men/father figure. He now resides with his grandparents. I blew up with him and rage got the best of me. Although I did no physical harm, I did yell and curse at him and came after him. My 18 year old stopped me and I later checked into my local Mental Health facillity for a short stay. He was removed from the house during that time.

With my PTSD, I have constant nightmares and anniversary dates through-out the year which makes it very difficult for me to have any real peaceful days. When I get triggered it takes me a little longer to calm down than most other people and if I am triggered again before calming down, then it makes it even longer and then I start to seeth.

When this happens I get angery at everything. My wife recently started work and this makes me very angery. Not because she got a great job, but because I cannot work because of the nature of my disability. I have confronted my wife with this to let her know that she isn't the reason I am so angery but I still want to blame her. I know that it is wrong and I do not want her to quit her job, I think this job is very good for her and she needs it. So when she comes home from her long day at wirk, I have dinner ready for her. I do the house work, dishes, laundry, vaccuming and such.

If we get into an argument, I cannot seem to let it go. Even after talking it out with her calmly. Last night we had a huge blow out and I walked out on her; later came back home after spending time with my mother.

Now I sit here shaking, typing you for help. I don't know what to do? I love her and the children, that has never been in question. But I don't think I love myself very much and that makes me angery.

Sorry for making this so long and seeminly with no direction in my question(s).

Joseph
Aka. OregonSNOB

[Choux]

Men always have an anger problem if they are unemployed. Men's role in society is to support their wife and children and protect them from the vagaries of life. The fact that the man is mentally handicapped notwithstanding.

Could you get a part time job at a large hardware store and not lose your social security benefits? That would make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself and give you a lot of positive feed back from the new people you meet in your life. :) Help unload some trucks, put up some merchandise, go have coffee with your workmates, collect a pay check at the end of the week!

[N0help4u]

In my state they allow you to work under 30 hours a week and make up to 600. A month
Without losing your benefits. The trick is finding a place that honestly will hire a disabled person. You might check into that as Choux has mentioned if you think that will help.

Also what you are doing with displacing and projecting your hurt/anger on your wife is something you need to figure out how to deal with so that it doesn't end up driving her away. Be thankful that you have such a loving wife that understands your feelings and frustrations.
It might be good to talk to a counselor to figure out how to best cope with your feelings.

[Picassa]

Having been a person who has dealt with self-loathing off and on for my entire life, I can tell you that the anger I have directed outwardly at others is always misplaced. It has been a direct result of my own feelings of helplessness, depression, victimization and fear for the future. How I overcame those feelings took a lot of time.

The first thing I did was sit down and write about things. Somehow putting things on paper helped me to reconcile what the real issues were that were causing me the pain, before I lashed out at someone else. At first it felt silly, but after awhile, reading back over my thoughts helped me to see what I was chewing on and deal with it.

The second thing I did was explore a new hobby (landscaping) that could help me work out some of those frustrations in a physical and creative sense. It became a rewarding outlet that I found I had talent in, and then I began to have more self-respect and less dependence on others for my sense of worth.

So, I suppose my advice to you is to find something that you are interested in and would like to learn more about, get a book on it, research it online, and away you go. Writing about the times you feel particularly frustrated can help to sort out what's at the root of the anger, and the more you write, the more you'll be able to measure the growth you've achieved over time.

I wish you the best on this journey. You've faced a lot of bigger challenges in life, so take what you've learned from your past and add it to the success you will find in your future.