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Vuala_Ahem · Jan 23, 2008, 01:37 PM

We have been best friends for about 12 years and she's getting married this year in December. Of course I'm very excited for her and excited for myself when she asked me to be her maid of honor, especially since she's the closest I have to a sister. But just last night she caved in to pressure from her family when her youngest sister whined that she wanted to be the maid of honor. My friend now is asking me if its OK that I give her sister the title. I told her its her wedding, she should decide that. She says she loves us both and wants us to decide. Here are some of the facts that influence the situation:

My best friends youngest sister was supposed to be the maid of honor of her other sisters wedding last year but couldn't hold the title because she wasnt 18 yet. So now she really wants to be my best friends maid of honor this year.
I have never been a brides maid, far less a maid of honor. And I have no sisters who's wedding to be a part of.
My boyfriend is going to be the best man.
She is her sister, and family comes first.
I'm paying for her bachelorette party among other things
Her family think her sister should be the maid of honor
There can only be ONE maid of honor in this ceremony.

My best friend doesn't want to decide. Am I being selfish for wanting the position for myself? How could my best friend make a decision without hurting anyone's feelings?

spitvenom · Jan 23, 2008, 02:01 PM

In the grand scheme of life is it really going to matter that you were not maid of honor at your friends wedding? Let her sister have this. Just be in the wedding and be happy for your friend. Hey and since you are not the Maid of honor anymore you don't have to pay for the bachelorette party!

LearningAsIGo · Jan 23, 2008, 02:26 PM

Unless this is a cultural issue, I don't see why she couldn't have been a MOH (maid of honor) before she was 18... I was one at 17... but that's besides the point.

Make your friend decide. Its not fair to put the burden on either of you. Unfortunately, there is no way to decide without hurting feelings. Its my opinion, however, that you should be MOH since she asked first and family should not decide for her.

I'm not sure why there can only be 1 MOH. Why not have two? My cousin had two in her wedding and that worked out fine... its quite popular these days. :)

peggyhill · Jan 23, 2008, 02:36 PM

I think what your friend did is kind of an etiquette mess-up. It was rude of her to offer you the maid of honor position and then go back on it. If it were me, I would tell my sister that I already gave the position to someone else and it would be inappropriate to rescind the offer.

The most generous, gracious thing you could do would be to let her sister have it. I can understand being upset about it; I would be a little upset too. I would make sure your friend understands that since her sister is going to be maid of honor, then her sister should be paying for the bachelorette party. There are lots of other ways to help your friend out, but since her sister wants the position so bad, I think she should foot the bill for the party.

That's a tough one. I'm sure your friend only asked you because she felt comfortable that you would understand the situation. It still doesn't make it right in my book, but I would advise you to let the sister have it, and try to enjoy the wedding. I'm sure your understanding and generosity would be a wonderful wedding present to give your friend.

LearningAsIGo makes a great point about having 2 maids of honor. Why not? That way no one will be hurt.

Tutdee · Jan 24, 2008, 10:03 AM

I had the excat problem. Me and my best friend had been friends for 8 years, when she got married. Well she always told me that I would be the MOH in her wedding. I was so excited. Well one day she decides to call me and tell me that her mom said that she would like her little sister to MOH. Of course I got so upset. I called her back and told her what I thought of that. I asked her if she was going to let her mom run her whole life. It didn't cause problems between me and my BFF. But I feel bad about it now. I shouldn't of said anything. It was her choice and I should have left her choose. Well she ended up making me and her other sister MOH.

Well now she is pregnant with twins. She wants her sisters to be nannies of the babies. Again, she told me that I would be Nanny of her child.
I understand completely how you feel. It hurts a lot. I don't know if I should say anything to her about how much it hurts me or not. Because again it is her choice.
I had a child within 1 year of me and her being friends, and now everyone is asking me why I didn't pick her to be nanny. They fail to understand that my hubby picked the nanny and I picked the parrian of our child. I was not even half as close to her as I am now. I didn't know her. Now I know her more than she knows her self sometimes.

I think that you should just sit back and try to avoid the pain and just let her make her own choice. B/C you might just lose a best friends.

xanne_818 · Jan 24, 2008, 11:15 AM

Let her sister have it.. it's upsetting for you but it's her big day anyway she's pressured enough by her family so I think you just might want to support her..

lacuran8626 · Jan 25, 2008, 02:28 PM

Your friend made a big mistake in asking you before talking to her family. It sounds like she wants to make everyone happy, and is under a lot of pressure from everyone. My suggestion would be that she have both of you be maids of honor or if you are married, you could be the matron of honor and her sister could be the maid of honor.

If this is not a workable solution, I think that you should step down gracefully and tell your friend that you are disappointed but you understand the situation she has found herself in. This lets her know she hurt you without rubbing her nose in it, and shows her that she was right to ask you in the first place!

Then, just enjoy being part of the wedding. It is pretty customary when a bride has a sister that the sister is asked to fill this honor as it's kind of a slight not to ask her to do so. When my sister got married, her best friend assumed she would be the maid of honor, so I stepped down to spare my sister the discomfort of having to fire her self-appointed best friend/maid of honor.

If you've not been in a wedding before, please know that the only difference is really that you come in before the maid of honor and you do not sign the marriage certificate in most circumstances. You can still give a toast, and can still give a shower. No rule of etiquette requires the bridal party to throw a shower for the bride but there is a rule of etiquette that an immediate family member should not throw the shower. Bachelorette parties? I'd say spread the damage -- ask her other friends if they would be willing to help with the expenses, or bring something (a bottle of wine, a snack, whatever).

Keep in mind that family's wait a lifetime for a wedding to happen and they put all these expectations around them, and can be kind of irrational. Brides can be put in a tough spot because they have their own dreams and ideas which often get derailed to make other people happy. If you are truly her best friend, this is an opportunity to show her that you can be graceful and help her out of a tight spot, even though it hurts your feelings to be asked to do so. Take the high road and forget about it, and have a blast at the wedding!