[chiffer]

I have a 26 year old girlfriend who only has orgasms if I use my finger or perform oral sex. She had only slept with one other, and said she experienced the same thing with him.

I know about mental stimuli... and make it a point to be romantic, and sometimes forceful. She says it feels great, and I am doing great. She loves when I get off... but I am tired of being there... not getting her to the same state I am in... For me, it is mentally challenging not being able to get off together... as I feel we should.

In fact... she is not crazy about me giving her oral sex, as it makes her feel uncomfortable, yet she gets off... can you explain that?

Thanks

[kp2171]

Its not uncommon, and not necessarily a "flaw", nor is it necessarily a failure to be mentally in the moment.

One partner I had ALWAYS got off, but it required some finger stimulation by me or by her. She had no hangup with it, and neither did I. other partners didn't like as much pressure, and some liked only self stim during sex (as opposed to me helping)

Like it or not, the cl!toris sometimes just doesn't get the stimulation it needs in many positions... and when it does get stimulation, it might not be "right"...

Buy "she comes first: a thinking mans guide to pleasuring a woman"... you read it and have her read it. It isn't a sex recipe that shows you all the "perfect" things to do to get her off (focusing on oral) but it will most likely teach both of you some things about her body that you don't know.

You can browse it at a big store likes barnes and noble (where I first saw it) and buy it for a better price online (like Amazon, where I bought it)...

Short answer is she needs to get over her hangups w oral, and you need to get over the fact that self stim or extra stim by you might be needed to reach orgasm.

The ideal of course would be that you both hit climax simultaneously... this is what you are wanting. Stop looking at your having difficulty doing so as a failure.

Its great when it happens. But if simultaneous orgasms were the gold standard for good sex, id have to reclassify my sex life, which I think is healthy and good, as poor.

Get the book and read it. Some things you'll know. Some you won't. Some things you might not agree with. But I think it might clarify some things for you.

[kp2171]

She Comes First

Tidbits from the authors site

[chiffer]

Cool... yeah... she likes it when I finger her, but wants to start doing it herself... We've been together just a short time, and last weekend was the first time we got together (four times in one day :cool: )

Anyway... she gets kind of crazy too... and likes to fight with me... physically. Not punching, but keeping her body away, and wanting me to "take" her... and "force" her to have sex... She loves pushing me off, using her legs to get between us... just to make me fight with her to pull her back... and she is strong, has very long legs... she is 5' 11".

I don't know... it's the first for me to have a girl like this...

I'll check out the link... thanks!

PS
This girl is a keeper for so many reasons... I just know a healthy sex life is as important as a stimulating conversation... but she seems to be cool with things... so I won't worry too much.

[kp2171]

Just to clarify, when I said I or my partner used a finger, it was to stimulate the cl!toris during intercourse... not penetration with the finger.

I assumed you've had intercourse. Are you talking about stim during, or that she self stimulates without penetration?

If it's the latter, she might need more stimulation at the g spot, meaning a different position, such as from behind, or girl on top (cowgirl or reverse cowgirl)... not missionary.

Explain more?

[chiffer]

Right... stimuli her g-spot... she came very quickly when I performed oral, but I think she is uncomfortable with it for the fact that... after... I have her all over my face. She is not that experienced, and wanted me to go wash up before continuing... Many others love that, and want to kiss me after... She is very conservative.

I am well versed in changing positions... so that is a good option. I was thinking about that, so perhaps she is game.

I thought about getting a vibrating cock ring, so that would help stimuli her , while I penetrate...

[Choux]

One of the Board Members provided a link to statistics of how many woman are orgasmic... and so forth. The figures surprised me; they are quite dismal.

It seems that half of women are not connected to their passionate side or are sexually repressed from social pressure in childhood such as religion, embarrassed mothers, poor self image, whatever.

It seems that getting her orgasmic in any other but masturbation techniques will be a difficult task; I get the feeling she is a people pleaser and not into taking her pleasure with an equal partner. I wonder if you keep pressuring her that she will begin to feel more and more inadequate sexually? I don't know. It would probably be better if she could be helped by a sex therapist rather than a critical lover as, over time, she may take your suggestions as criticism.

Maybe, if you see a future in this relationship, you could pay for some sessions with a sex therapist for her so she can "learn about her sexuality".


Good Luck in 2008,

[chiffer]

Nice point... though, I am not going to even bring anything up to make it an issue. I will present changing positions as a way to just have fun... not as a way to make her .

I feel you are completely correct in that she would begin to feel pressure, and it would exasperate this issue.

Thanks for your concern. If, and only if, she brings this issue up and a concern, will I present the therapist idea. I will just work on keeping cool.

PS
She is a total people pleaser. She would rather just please me... and so... that could certainly contribute.

Thanks

[smoothy]

I have a 26 year old girlfriend who only has orgasms if I use my finger or perform oral sex. She had only slept with one other, and said she experienced the same thing with him.

I know about mental stimuli...and make it a point to be romantic, and sometimes forceful. She says it feels great, and I am doing great. She loves when I get off...but I am tired of being there...not getting her to the same state I am in...For me, it is mentally challenging not being able to get off together...as I feel we should.

In fact...she is not crazy about me giving her oral sex, as it makes her feel uncomfortable, yet she gets off...can you explain that?

Thanks

She can get off, that's a proven fact as you stated.. what needs done is knowing how to stimulate her during regular sex to get off.

Trust me, if you were doing it right she can get off that way too. You just have to learn how.

But, and this is a BIG BUT (no pun intended) if you are a "minute man" it just isn't going to happen.