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Maniac0683 · Jan 23, 2008, 09:45 AM

Ok, I think this is going to be a long story so... sorry in advance. I've been in a relationship for 4 years now. We have a 6 month old daughter, and we argue all the time. Our sex life is pretty much completely shot, and I always find text messages in her phone to and from other guys. One of which said "I'm going to take a bath, too bad you can't join me". I confronted her about this, and she said it's a kid she used to go to school with, and it was just a joke, she wasn't serious when she sent it to him.
Anyway... I obviously suspect she's cheating on me. So I did something probably kind of stupid. I made up a name, and an e-mail address and started talking to her as that guy. I've been talking with her for a while now. I recently started saying that we should meet each other, but said if I meet her, I'm going to kiss her. I was happy when she came back and said no, that she won't kiss, or do anything with anyone other than me. Today we're talking and I again brought up a kiss and she said no. So I started asking her personal questions, like weirdest place she's had sex, weirdest thing she's done having it, ever had 3 some, fav. Position etc. She answered all of the questions and even asked a lot back. I even told her that talking about it was kind of turning me on, and she put a smiley.
Should I be worried, or is it just normal for women to talk like this to guys? I know making someone up is really childish... but I guess I had to know, and wasn't sure if she was lying to me or not, it was the only thing I could think of.

BMI · Jan 23, 2008, 10:15 AM

Hey Maniac,

Don't take this the wrong way but what you did was awful. I have to be honest, if you found something out you didn't want to know I'd say you would deserve it. I just can't imagine how you would feel if that happened to you. You're a guy, if the same happened to you would you write back nothing or would you play along? Be honest!!

I had conversations over Facebook with other girls and yeah some of it was flirting, but I'd never do anything. To go undercover to snoop on your girl is just wrong dude, no excuse could make it right.

As for the actual situation, I understand your concern, I think it normal. I think your just letting your mind run away with thoughts of her cheating. Flirting does not actually mean anything in most circumstances. Like I said, I've messaged girls flirty things but was not ever serious about it, so relax a bit and work on some stuff, actually a lot of stuff.

Obviously you have some serious trust issues here. Don't ever let her find out what you did, EVER!! Though if she does find out be sure to tell us how it goes, I would be fascinated to see her response.

Good luck.

TrueFaith · Jan 23, 2008, 10:28 AM

Hey bud. Yeah that's kind off.

But I agree with BMI relax a bit and take you time

I can understand how you want to cheat on her first before she does on you. It's a pride thing ;) lord knows I have that problem hehe..

I think if you rleax and take it easy

You'll get here

Regards

mafiaangel180 · Jan 23, 2008, 10:35 AM

Well since you say that you argue and that the sex is shot... she is looking to feel good. It makes a girl feel good when someone pays attention to her. It feels good to flirt, to be wanted. Delete the account, block her. Don't beat yourself up over it and never tell her. Now start working on adding spice to your relationship. Surprise her with flowers, tell her she's beautiful and look in her eyes and mean it. Start romancing her before some other guy does. You also said you had a child, think about how crazy she feels right now... now go out there and make her feel wanted! Lol Good luck!

Maniac0683 · Jan 23, 2008, 11:15 AM

I do try to do things for her. I am the only one that cleans the house, I take care of the baby the majority of the time, I take her out for dinner at least once a week, but if I try to do anything sexual, she gets mad and tells me she's not in the mood. For the last 2 months the most sexual thing we have done is when I kiss her cheek and tell her I love her before I leave for work in the morning. Then I start seeing those messages on her phone where she is saying "I'm going to take a bath, too bad you can't join me" to another guy, the only thing I can think is if she don't want it from me, she's got to be getting it from somewhere else...

mafiaangel180 · Jan 23, 2008, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by Maniac0683

I do try to do things for her. I am the only one that cleans the house, I take care of the baby the majority of the time, I take her out for dinner at least once a week, but if I try to do anything sexual, she gets mad and tells me shes not in the mood. For the last 2 months the most sexual thing we have done is when I kiss her cheek and tell her I love her before I leave for work in the morning. Then I start seeing those messages on her phone where she is saying "I'm going to take a bath, too bad you can't join me" to another guy, the only thing I can think is if she don't want it from me, she's gotta be gettin it from somewhere else...

Those things are all good! However, they aren't really romantic. I mean think about it, she just had a kid. She probably feels fat and nasty and no wonder why she doesn't want to have sex. Treat her to a day at a spa or something, take the kid to the sitter, make her a really nice dinner while she's gone... go all out. (sexy music, dinner, flowers) Grant it, this will take effort. When she comes home she will be surprised and totally love it. If she isn't into it, maybe afterwards you guys can talk. Could be depression from the baby. That is also a big factor in not wanting sex. Anyway those are just some ideas. I hope it works out for you.

talaniman · Jan 24, 2008, 01:03 PM

Let see, you started this dumb game, playing with her mind, and end up playing with your own mind. JUSTICE. If you spent half the time, and effort, making her feel loved, as you do playing games, you wouldn't be wondering about how she feels about you. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute, and understand how a young female feels with a new child, and her body, mind, and soul, is healing from giving life. You should be going out of your way to avoid argueing at this time, and do the small things she needs of you, which is love, understanding, and plenty of attention. What is all the argueing about anyway? Let me guess, not enough attention, coming home to a dirty house, she is always tired, NO SEX.

Maniac0683 · Jan 24, 2008, 01:37 PM

I only made up the person AFTER seeing the messages she was writing to other guys. I mean honestly, what would you think if you picked up your wife's phone, seen it said new message, and its in reply to her saying to another guy "I'm going to take a bath, too bad you can't join me". There is only one thing that can mean to me! I love her more than anything, and don't want to lose her, you have no idea how much I go out of my way to do anything and everything I can for her. I do try to avoid the arguing, I don't want to put her down, but I think she is the start of most of them. For example, My mom watched our daughter the other day, when I picked her up, I forgot a toy there. When my girlfriend noticed it, she completely flipped out on me. Another time, I was putting my daughter in her car seat, and one of the straps was twisted and I didn't realize it, her exact words were "JESUS, can't you do anything right?" I try to just shrug off little stuff like that, but its all the time. It was bad enough at Christmas time, her dad finally stepped in and told her that she needed to calm down, she was getting mad over nothing. I don't know what it is, we argue a lot, but I love her and I don't want to leave.

Talaniman - I know I was wrong in making someone up, and I admitted it. Your title says you are a "Relationship Expert"

Originally Posted by talaniman

Let see, you started this dumb game, playing with her mind, and end up playing with your own mind. JUSTICE.

When someone admits their wrong, is that how you normally help them?

spitvenom · Jan 24, 2008, 02:22 PM

It's so hard to comment on this I see everyone ganging up on you cause you made up that "person" and started talking to her and what not. Yeah it's wrong but at the time it seemed like a good thing to do in your mind. Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HER THAT WAS YOU TALKING TO HER!! Cause your relationship will be over FAST!

You need to ask her flat out are we going to be together. This gets it out in the open and you know where your relationship stands. I think she will say I don't know. After that if she says yes, no, or I don't know you need to start to be romantic.

I like mafia's suggestion of the Spa! Do that first, let her get some relaxing alone time. Yeah some places can be expensive but look at it as an investment in your relationship. Seriously Pick a good spa and get like a 100 dollar GC for her.

Seems to me you need to get her to fall in love with you again so think back about how you actually got her to fall in love with you the first time and retrace those steps and hopefully everything will work out for you. Good Luck and DELETE THAT ACCOUNT!!

talaniman · Jan 24, 2008, 02:57 PM

Maniac0683 disagrees: Thanks for the help...at making me feel worse!

That was the point, to make you see how dumb that move was, and unethical. If you read the whole post I had questions that needed answers, not for me, but for you. Your whole post speaks of issues, that you didn't put forth, and info you didn't elaborate on, so sorry if I had to pull some teeth to find out more about you, so get over it. What would you say to one who would even pull a stunt like that?? And what else do you do would be my first thought. She may have issues, but I can see so do you, and until you face them honestly, you can never make progress.

When someone admits their wrong, is that how you normally help them?

Yes, when their behavior is so over the top, I wonder if your coping skills, and your honesty are on the level. If this is the way you deal with your female and her problems then you both need help, not a shoulder to cry on. Yes I would love to hear her side of it. I have seen suspicion, and insecurity, ruin otherwise happy relationships, and for the record, I hope your mad enough to work on your own behavior, and make the proper amends to heal yourself, and help your female to heal.

J_9 · Jan 24, 2008, 04:42 PM

As a mother myself, I can tell you that it honestly took quite a while before I felt sexy again to my husband.

What she did was wrong, actually it was WRONG, but you making up a person to deceive her was terrible.

When you saw that message you should have confronted her about it, not made up some fake person. In all actuality, you should not have been looking at her messages to begin with.

There are apparently some very serious issues going on in your relationship that need to be dealt with before you can move forward.

Was she this angry before the baby was born? When did it start? Could she possibly be suffering from post-partum depression?

Dude, you are letting her walk all over you, you are being her doormat... but on the other hand, it does take a toll on a woman to be a wife/gf and mother. Does she work? If not, baby tires her out all day (I know, I've been there), if she does work, then she has the stressors of baby, work, and family.

It sounds as though the two of you might benefit from some couples counseling or this is just going to snowball all to hell and back.