[scaredgrandma]

My 28-year-old daughter is causing emotional trauma. She has two children by two different men, won't work to support them. She married baby #2's father 1 month after the baby was born. The father is foreign, and I'm sure he married my daughter to avoid child support and deportation back to his country, although I can't prove it. They fight in front of the kids all the time. My daughter calls me multiple times a day, desperately wanting help (or wanting me to "fix" every mess she makes of her life). I've told (begged) her not to call me with her problems that she creates by jumping into situations. Now my little granddaughter is showing behavior problems from the stress. I know what the stress is doing to me; I can only imagine what it is doing to her. The baby is six months old, so he isn't aware of the situation, but I'm sure he has to feel the bad vibes. I contacted my granddaughter's daddy today to alert him to the turmoil going on in his daughter's life, and I will help him any way I can to get my granddaughter out of that mess. My daughter is so wrapped up in herself she can't (or won't) see what her mess is doing to other people, myself and my husband included. I'm afraid the little baby will be harder to remove from the situation, since his parents are married, and the father (the foreigner) is a controlling person who might try to flee back to his country with the baby. I don't know what to do anymore. My daughter's constant phone calls are upsetting me to the point I'm suffering physical reactions to the stress. Yet, I'm afraid not to answer the phone in case it's my granddaughter trying to contact me. I'm weary; can someone please help me? I have nobody to confide in; my husband isn't much help. Thanks.

[talaniman]

Our children can send us through so much and we give, and give, but nobody listens to us at all.I feel your pain and confusion,Been there done that!I have 5 grans that I love very much and would do anything for them,but guess what I had to realize, that I couldn't make everyone listen to me so for my own peace of mind I had to back off and let them do their own thing!yeah, its so very hard, but our children must live there own lives and take care of their own problems! We will always worry about them, and its hard to see your own children catching hell in life ,but just like when they were little, we let them skin there knees and keep the bactine and band-aids ready!Isn't that the way our parents did us?Sometimes all we can do is pray to the good lord for them ,we sure can't live their lives for them ,now can we! I truly hope this helps you find some kind of peace of mind cause I ain't got a lot of answers!:cool: ;)

[scaredgrandma]

I agree with everything you said, and if my daughter's past actions weren't so erratic, I'd find peace in it. But she has been involved with very shady people in the past, including a man who was suspected of, but not proven of being involved with a multi-murder: two women and a little girl were shot to death at point blank range, a man and a little boy were injured. This was when my granddaughter was a tiny baby. She's not competent to raise these children, yet I am physically unable of caring for them 24-7. my husband works hard to support us, and he can't help much. How do I stop the harassment from her? How do I not feel guilty if I ignore the calls? And if something were to happen to the children, God forbid, how would I live with myself?

[fredg]

Hi, grandma,
I am a 63 year old grandpa, of an 8 yr old grandson. Our daughter has never given us any problems like this. She is married to a wonderful man, for 12 yrs now.
I haven't been through this, but I am sorry to read about it.
Have you considered talking with a Professional about it? Maybe a clergyman, a Priest, Minister, or even a Professional counselor of some kind?
None of this is your fault. We raise our children the best we can, and then at some point, they have to make their own decisions. Talking with someone can help accept, somewhat, what is going on.
The only other suggestion would be to contact a lawyer, find out if anything legally can be done. If the home situation of your granddaughter is really, really, bad, there might be a chance of having the your granddaughter removed from the home, and find a new home for her... just a thought.
Meantime, talk with someone about the "guilt" feeings. It's not your fault. The next time your daughter calls you, and if you can say it, just tell her that she is on her own, and will have to work it out herself. Then end the conversation and hang up.
You cannot continue trying to solve her problems... it will only get worse for you and your feelings. I do wish you the best of luck, and try to remember:
No one can put guilt on you; you do that to yourself. No one cause me stress; it only happens if I let it happen.

[scaredgrandma]

Yes, I've already been to counselling, and I've told my daughter repeatedly not to call me with her messes. She calls anyway, and I've told her I will have her prosecuted for telephone harassment. She calls from pay phones if her cell is shut off. And my granddaughter's daddy is contacting her school today to talk to the guidance counselor there. He will handle the legal aspect of it, and I will be in his corner because he is the better parent. As for the infant, my hands are tied because my daughter married his daddy a month after he was born. The daddy is a controlling person, and I see him being a flight risk with the baby at some point if his immigration papers fail to go through. The baby was an accident, but I think the daddy took advantage of the opportunity to get his citizenship because of it. My daughter hated him her entire pregnancy, but married him anyway because she's lazy and doesn't want to work to support her own children. She's sucked off welfare since she was pregnant for the first one eight years ago. I am well aware her screw-ups aren't my fault, it's all about choice, but who stands up for those beautiful children? Who does what's best for them when their parents won't? I'd never get over it if they were placed in foster care. Believe me, if it weren't for those kids, I'd have written off my daughter a LONG time ago. She can sleep in her car for all I care, but the security of those kids are the only thing that matters.

[talaniman]

[QUOTE=., it's all about choice, but who stands up for those beautiful children? who does what's best for them when their parents won't?? i'd never get over it if they were placed in foster care. believe me, if it weren't for those kids, i'd have written off my daughter a LONG time ago. she can sleep in her car for all i care, but the security of those kids are the only thing that matters.[/QUOTE]
I support you with my prayers as I admire your commitment and dedication to your grans.It sounds like you already know you have a difficult road ahead.Is your daughter your only child?:cool:

[scaredgrandma]

No, I have another daughter, 30, married, no kids, doing well. She works 2 jobs, and apologizes to me for the horrible things her sister says and does! So I have to believe the fault/problem is within my younger daughter and not because of anything we did wrong as parents. I have pondered this situation long and hard, and I see no recourse but to have a restraining order issued on my daughter for telephone harassment. I've notified her by e-mail of my intentions, and I also told her to get off her lazy a_ _ and get a job to support those kids. Now I sit back and wait. And stay as busy as I can to keep my mind off things. I want to thank everyone who has posted a response to my plea for help. It's good to know there are total strangers out there who give a damn. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.

[talaniman]

Good luck and as I say you are in our prayers whatever you decide to do.:cool:Please keep us updated as we will be here for you!

[augustknight]

Holy fire on the gasoline Batman! Somebody get a water hose over here pronto! When I read all you said I have an alarming feeling that your daughter's problems are escalating daily. But they are all details of the same problem. She doesn't accept the responsibity of her actions. And she may never do so.
You want to help but you want her to change. You can forget about her changing her behavior anytime soon. You have to go to the negotiation table with her. You will provide certain things and she will have to follow certain rules to earn them. Draw up a contract and both of you sign it. If she breaks the contract hopefully she will make the connection between her actions and your response. Here are some items may may want to address.
1) The children may not be used as pawns. They have a right to be with their grandmother.
2) Money is limited to your ability to pay. No cash will exchange hands. If she needs money for groceries, you will provide a prepaid card and expect to see the receipt.
3) Phone calls are upsetting. She may call only when she is rational.
If she breaks the contract than you are no longer obligated to honor your end of the agreement. Of course you can always renegotiate but the terms will be worse for her.
As for her husband, your suspicions may be true. But don't think he has all the rights in the world either. You may want to hire a private investigator (cheaper than a lawyer) to find out about his background. He may even be in this country illegally or have a criminal past. You can certainly use that type of information as a bargaining chip. However don't push it too far as they may become violent. That's a whole other issue.
I hope you begin to repair your relationship with your daughter. But it's a two way street. If everything fails you may have to disassociate her from you before she destoys your life completely. Good luck Batman, you'll need it.

[Chery]

Dear Grandma, augustknight is right. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this trial and hope that some day all will be well again. But you need to think of yourself and your health. You did right by contacting you grand-daughter's dad and hope he can at least get her out of there temporarily. Your daughter might be frustrated, on drugs, or just plain unhappy with life that she might do something irrational and needs professional help. You might think about reporting her behavior to authorities and have the baby temporarily placed in your custody until she becomes rational again. I'm sure that you love your daughter, but can't understand her actions and don't like what she's doing, so continue to let her know you still love her, but she needs to accept help. And, as said, don't give her any money, buy the groceries if there are no certificates to purchase them. Maybe you started on the wrong foot with the baby's dad and might want to make an appointment to talk to him to see what's going on if at all possible. At least this way you will know where you stand and what move to make next. I certainly hope that things will work out eventually, maybe she just needs to fall hard before picking herself up again. At any rate, do keep us posted and rest assured that we will be here to listen to you any time you need to air things out. All the best wishes, and belated Happy New Year!

Hoping peace and tranquility will enter your life again soon!