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sunflowergirl · Jan 10, 2006, 12:27 PM

I have been married for 6.5 years, 3 kids (1 from previous marriage.) Both my husband and I have been previously married. After the birth of our first child
(4yrs ago) I found out, from an e-mail message sent out from my husband, that he and his previous wife were into the "lifestyle" or swinging, and he was asking how he could possibly get me involved with this, because he missed it. I did confront him and he said he was just curious. I have never been able to get this thought out of my head. To this very day he still looks at related type web-sites. And now our sex life is pretty much down to about twice a month. I really have no sex drive and he has a huge appetite for it. He says I do not love him, because I do not want him sexually. The fact is I do love him, but I do not see sex as love and he does. We had a very active life before all this. Is this all in my head, will I lose him, if I don't respond more to sex? Or should I get help from a Dr.

nymphetamine · Jan 10, 2006, 12:48 PM

I would recommend going to a sex therapist. Is his mention of swinging what has killed your sex drive? Does he make you feel bad about yourself in any way because of the mention of the swinging? This can lower your sex drive if you feel bad about yourself or someone else makes you feel bad.

sunflowergirl · Jan 10, 2006, 01:41 PM

He does not make me feel bad about myself in any way. I just feel that I will never be enough for him, since he is used to more than just one woman. He has also mentioned he would like me to be with another man, but has no desire to be with another woman. He looks at web-sites were husbands share their wives pictures and stories of how the wife is with another man while the husband watches.

nwsflash · Jan 10, 2006, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by sunflowergirl

He does not make me feel bad about myself in any way. I just feel that I will never be enough for him, since he is used to more than just one woman. He has also mentioned he would like me to be with another man, but has no desire to be with another woman. He looks at web-sites were husbands share their wives pictures and stories of how the wife is with another man while the husband watches.

I agree with crankie you both need to get to a sex therapist, your husband seems to have some kind of kick from this that you don't. You need to tell him that you are not happy with this and that you do not want to sleep with other men and if he push's this then you will think of ending it... You need to be very direct because it seems like he is a addict to sex, and swinging -- now if you where both happy with this -- then I don't think there would be a problem, but if your dead set against it, I can see that it may end up killing your relationship

nymphetamine · Jan 10, 2006, 01:59 PM

He doesn't make you feel bad about yourself but you say you feel like you will never be enough for him. You still feel bad about yourself. Believe me when you feel bad about yourself it will take away your sex drive. I know.

nwsflash · Jan 10, 2006, 02:04 PM

Originally Posted by crankiebabie

He doesnt make you feel bad about yourself but you say you feel like you will never be enough for him. You still feel bad about yourself. Believe me when you feel bad about yourself it will take away your sex drive. I know.

I have to agree ! He is making you feel bad, but in a kind of indirect way of doing it. If you didn't feel bad about it then I don't think you would have posted this subject. It takes all kind of things to float people's boats, but when you are in a long term thing and you both have kids then there have to be limits set.

My question is did you know that he was like this before you got with him, and what he was into? Or did you think, or feel that you could change him??

sunflowergirl · Jan 10, 2006, 02:43 PM

He showed no indication of being into this kind of lifestyle, while we were dating. So I had no way of knowing what he was into. The only thing he used to say to me, was that he had a very huge appetite for sex. And at that time, we had no problems. It wasn't until I found the e-mail that I realized what was going on in his head. And, I guess from that point on my whole attitude towards sex has changed. As far as I can tell, he has never cheated on me. He just wants more out of sex than I do.

nymphetamine · Jan 10, 2006, 02:50 PM

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? Talk to him about how you feel and then post us back.

talaniman · Jan 10, 2006, 05:14 PM

I agree with the two of you talking this out and remember you don't have to do anything you don't want to!If he loves you he will respect how you feel and not pressure you just to get his jollies.Take your own sweet time to decide what the best course of action is. This is something the two of you need to work at!:cool:

PrettyLady · Jan 10, 2006, 11:43 PM

Sunflowergirl, I suggest that you and your husband see a marriage counselor if you want to save your marriage. "You both will need to address verbal communication in order to enjoy the sexual aspects of your relationship." I understand that you've spoken to him more than once about the e-mails and websites you've found, but it seems to me that he's in denial and doesn't want you to know about his past sexual habits. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your marriage. If he's keeping this from you, then he might be lying to you about other things. You should try talking with him again and see if he will open up and tell you the truth. However, if he's not willing to talk to you about what you've discovered, then you and your husband should definitely seek counseling. Communication, trust and honesty will build a stronger marriage.

CaptainForest · Jan 10, 2006, 11:57 PM

Try to communicate with him because if you don't, it will lead to more and more problems.

He views sex differently than you do, so that is why communicating your needs with each other is important.

Now I am not saying to jump into this lifestyle, but perhaps a compromise would be that the 2 of you have sex more than twice a month. While that might be fine for you, your husband, a man with a huge sex drive, might be very uncomfortable with it. He might even be tempted to cheat simply to have sex (which would be wrong).

talaniman · Jan 11, 2006, 08:28 AM

Lets be clear,men are not animals and sex though it is a part of a relationship is not an excuse to do the wrong thing!If there is a problem a real man talks to his wife and respect her enough to listen and do the best he can to honor her wishes while expressing himself in a respectful way,this has worked wonders in my marriage of more than 30 years!No, I don't get everything I want but I have everything I need,and I didn't have to cheat to get it!Communication is the key and the ability to listen to your partners side,And the willingness to work within the framework of your relationship!(don't forget the scented candles):) :cool: