[rhea_1]

Hi all, hope to get some great advice. First a li'l background..
I come from a different culture and tradition where there is arranged marriages, breaking a marriage is only on extreme conditions like abuse or sleeping with somebody else. And a person is not easily accepted in society if she leaves her husband just bcos she is not in love with him.

Just before I met my current husband, I was engaged to marry the man of my dreams, he was tall, dark, handsome, successful. But because our families disagreed, and there were bitter words exchanged between them (and the tribute for this goes to my controlling mother for starting this verbal abuse), he broke up. He didn't want to go against his family's wishes to marry me.
I was devastated and broken up, then I met my current husband through family for arranged marriage. And he fell in love with me the first time he met me. He seemed too soft and a gentleman. Although I liked him too much as a friend, but I could not see him as my husband. So I denied. But I was pressurized a lot, and also I felt I was getting old and all my friends were already married (I know, mistake), I agreed.

The first year of our marriage was a total disaster with a few good moments. We used to fight a lot, I found that he is totally not that soft as I had thought and wanted to do things his way. He also found that I was not the kind of person he imagined. Also he was very very controlling type, what I should wear, how I should do my hair etc. My controlling mother came into picture (I invited her) and tried making matters worse and she wanted my husband to be arrested, more verbal abuse etc etc.(I know it does not sound real, I have never ever shared my past life with anybody and am crying while writing this). I did have some inner love for my husband so I drove my mother out and supported my husband - and from that day onwards, I never share anything with her.

But this also made mine and hubby's relationship deeper, our understanding grew and we were more compatible. And for his controlling nature, I fixed that problem too by being strong. We came to another country, are both in good jobs with good money, and recently bought a house and planning for a kid. We are leading a good life (touch wood). OUr 4th anniversary is coming up.

Now the problem... I still have not gotten over the man I was engaged to marry. I stll remember the soft moments. He stopped communicating totally after the breakup. I just have his emailid. I don't even know where he is. There's never a day when I don't think about him. I even googled him but am too much of a mouse to write to him. I always compare my husband to him. My husband is comparatively shorter than him and I always wanted to marry a tall man (my hubby is only 3 inches taller than me and I am 5'2"). Also my husband does not have a great physique but the other man had great muscles and was a looker. Also my husband is not the romantic type and never plans any surprises for me, but he will never deny me anything in the world I ask for.

My husband does not know any of this, I had told him about this other man before we were married and then we never discussed. But this is directly affecting our relationship. My frustration shows up in different ways, like getting angry for small things. There is no romance. I never ever feel ny kind of attraction to my husband and am never eager to have physical contact with him (which he is not okay with). But amongts our friends, they see us the perfect couple, totally matched to each, my in laws see me as the perfect daughter in law, and people I just know a little say that I have a perfect life. Some times I feel I am leading a dual life, somethimes I feel I should search for the "other man" and leave every thing (I will be shunned from my social group too) to be with him, but most of the time I feel that I should learn to love my hubby and make this marriage a success. Some times I focus on my hubby's good qualities, then I feel love for him and things go great. But this does not stay forever and I am back to square one.

How can I stay focussed on my hubby? Is it possible to forget the other man? How can I create romance and feel attracted to my hubby? I want to get out of this maze, and "live" the perfect life for real instead of pretending. No, walking out of this marriage is not an option for me, not only because of the social stigma attached, but am also emotionally attached to my hubby. I am so much devstated that I feel just to lead the rest of my life as it is and pray for a more fulfilling one in my next birth.

My husband is a good person and there have been situations in our lives where he has shown his great heart, these make me feel more like a fatherly love for him, not the way a man and woman should interact.

Thanks for reading this.

[N0help4u]

The other guy at this point is just a fantasy. He could be married, he could be different from what you remember him. It isn't worth giving up what you have for a dream that may never come true.

[simoneaugie]

Oh my. Get rid of the email address. Have yourself a private funeral for your lost relationship. Get your mind right every morning about how you want your marriage to be the very best it can be. Tell your husband that you crave romance. Learn to enjoy sex. Sex is like pizza, good even when it's cold.

[Lialinn]

A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush. Imagine you were still single, without a job, and without emotional support from your current husband... If your love broke up with you because of his parents, then maybe it was not meant to be. Though I think dreaming or thinking about him helps you support your daily difficulties, I feel that more than anything else you seem bored from your current routine life. That is why you still think about exciting things like writing to him. For the time being, keep what you have till you are completely sure of what you REALLY want and are ready to overcome all the circumstances that will result. My advice though, since you can never forget first love, I know it from experience, keep him deeeep in your heart and make him stay there.only there.no one will know no onw will care, and giving it out will destroy more than it will fox things, since as nohelp4u said He could be married, he could be different from what you remember him. It isn't worth giving up what you have for a dream that may never come true."
Take care

[NicoSam]

Asking her to live without love ? If love is only a chemical process, maybe the scientist will invent in the future a pill that will make you fall for the person who loves you, so that there would be no unrequited love on earth, and that women stick to their husbands, for the sake of marriages.
But anyway, maybe that guy doesn't even love her, since he has given in that quick. For her own peace of mind she should find out more about his present status and get that stone off her chest . Maybe it is the attraction of the forbidden fruit, she had it her hand but biting it or not, wasn't her choice. Could be ego ? He is interesting because he gave her up, his leaving being the proof of his absent love. Some of us grow their passion for something they know is hard to reach, or out of reach.If she will not be with this guy, she will fall in love with another, she needs more than a fatherly love. Actually, I guess that remembering that first guy is only a sign that there is trouble in her marriage, she has created a story on his guy, one to make him more attractive, because she needs to dream, needs food for the soul. Most probably, her dreams will take her to a real man that would look exactly like in her dreams - doubt that it could be her husband reinvented.