[lost??]

Whoa I didn't mena to cause a big contraversay... haha nah but seriously thanks everyone for your reply. I talked to her yesterday and I didn't bring up the relationship. All her life she's never been on her own and I think that she just wants to have that for now. I told her I don't know why but that I understand that. We told each other that we still care about one another and that were still important to each other. I said that I knew I wasn't giving her the space she asked for and that if I kept this up we wouldn't be able to remain friends. So I said it probably would be best if we just didn't talk for a while. I'm actually feeling pretty good about it. I know she's not going to be with anyone else... at least not for not. She really does just want time to be by herself. So I'm going to back off for a while. I told her id call in a couple of weeks to see if she wanted to do something and she said shed like that. I realize that we may not get back together and that I may have to move on. I consider the relationship over which I think is the first step. I think I'm over the worst of it. But I just want to know, do you think I'm doing the right thing by backing off? I think I am but I know its going to be hard so what can I do in the meantime to not contact her. I'm going to be pretty busy with work soon and that whole working out thing sounds pretty good... I could use it haha. But seriously am I doing the right thing by backing off and if so what can I do in order to stay strong and not contact her? Thanks for everything

[talaniman]

Hey man the reason everyone wants you to back off and get your own life is for your own good!You seem to take every bone she throws to you as hope that she will come back to you and things will be great. Love is blind and so are you!YOU need time to step back and take a look at yourself for a minute.In the real world we often have to make decisions we don't particularly like but life has a way of giving us what we need as opposed to giving us what we want!Look, you love this woman, OK I get that, but she isn't loving you back!From where I sit, by what you've said, then your choice is be at her beck and call ,or man up and get a life of your own without her!Now you can hold out and keep your contact or you can show her,as well as yourself that you have the strength to carry on yourself!Me myself I would have been long gone ,cried in my pillow and moved on,If she needs a friend ,I'm sure she already has one,as for you do you have a friend, do you have her?Take care of yourself or else you can't expect to take care of someone else! That just isn't fair! Is it?:cool: :eek: :rolleyes:

[s_cianci]

Are you sure that telling her that your life is fine and dandy without her is a good idea. I mean if she thinks his life is so great she may become heart broken and feel that she is not needed anymore. She will realize that she made a mistake but don't you think she will be afraid to make a move because now she feels that all is lost because he has moved on and he is happy? It may cause her to feel that he is no longer interested in her, and in effect push her away.

That may happen in some instances, but more often than not once she senses that he's doing fine without her she'll want to worm her way back into his life. I speak from years of experience looking back at my bachelor days. I believe that, contrary to lore, women have egos as well as men and if they think that a former love interest is doing well without them and has in fact moved on and essentially forgotten about them, they can't handle that and have to be wanted, needed or loved so they try to craw back into the life of the one who at one time did love or need them, even after being the one who initiated the breaking up. I do believe that, just as possesiveness and clingyness are signs of insecurity and weakness, so are aloofness and elusiveness signs of strength and stability. Women often have a sixth sense for picking up on that and respond accordingly. Only a woman with very weak esteem would give up as you suggest because she feels that he's no longer interested in her. Also, if you read the sentence immediately after the one you added emphaisis to, you'll notice that I specified not to come right out and say so but to let the actions speak instead. Gloating is never a good thing and that will backfire. At best, he should tell her that life is "fine and dandy" but leave out the "without you" part ; she'll figure that out for herself and that's the idea.

[Wildcat21]

s_cianci - IS DEAD ON! That is real life. Is words are 100% accurate. YES SHOW IT! - NEVER SAY HOW YOU FEEL.

Great stuff s_cianci - you now what's going.

Ughhhhhhhhhh - this Dude is still contacting her and bringing up the relationship - even when he says he didn't.

She most likely is with someone else - someone not so needy, women jump from men to men. She just doesn't want to hurt this guy - he's fragile.

"Are you sure that telling her that your life is fine and dandy without her is a good idea. I mean if she thinks his life is so great she may become heart broken and feel that she is not needed anymore." - THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE MOVIES. THIS IS REALITY.

Absence always makes the heart grow fonder.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. - ALWAYS AND FOR EVER.

Leave this gal alone. Work on yourself - you have a lot to learn.

[lost??]

I'm done with this. What all you guys has made a lot of sense to me. I still care about her but I have to look out for myself. I've decided to give up and move on. I mean, I guess there's still a part of me that wants to hold onto her but I know that I shouldn't and I am not going to. As far as I'm concerned its over. I know that it'll be hard for a while but like so many of you said "i have to get my own life without her". I haven't talked to her in four days and it doesn't really bother me. And I'm not going to contact her either. I figure she's the one who really lost out, not me. I can find someone else to be with but shell have a hard time finding someone who's going to treat her like I did. So yea I'm going to move on. Someday down the road if she wants to get back together then I guess that be OK but I'm not counting on it anymore. I really don't know if I'm just kidding myself about this but I feel that its something I have to do to get on with my life. What do you guys think?

[confused25]

I think you are making the right choice. If things are meant to be and she really does love you then she will contact you eventually. But don't hold out hope because when it comes to these types of situation hope will simply tear you apart. Move on with your life and enjoy it.

[Chery]

im done with this. what all you guys has made a lot of sense to me. i still care about her but i have to look out for myself. ive decided to give up and move on. i mean, i guess theres still a part of me that wants to hold onto her but i know that i shouldnt and i am not going to. as far as im concerned its over. i know that itll be hard for a while but like so many of you said "i have to get my own life without her". i havent talked to her in four days and it doesnt really bother me. and im not going to contact her either. i figure shes the one who really lost out, not me. i can find someone else to be with but shell have a hard time findin someone whos gonna treat her like i did. so yea im gonna move on. someday down the road if she wants to get back together then i guess that be ok but im not counting on it anymore. i really dont know if im just kidding myself about this but i feel that its something i have to do to get on with my life. what do you guys think?

I think your own comments about giving her space in post 21 was very well what you should do and by all means, don't let your life stand still waiting. But, stay friends, and when she is done with having a break and being alone to get to know herself and what she wants in life, and then contacts you again, you can rest assured she has thought a lot through and is probably ready to make more of a commitment than before, since you yourself said that she was hardly ever alone. By being alone yourself, you probably also weighed the pros and cons of what relationships should be and how to help develop them better - any man with a brain and time to himself does reflect, and so do we women. How else do you think people can chose to plan their future unless given time to be alone and reflect on things that they do or do not tolerate and start being more honest and no more game playing in any relationship. Life is that way, and we cannot change others, only ourselves and for that - time is required to asses what real life is about. Once the decision is made, and she just might contact you and want to tell you her conclusion, be fair enough to listen and you might be pleasantly surprised. If not, then you already know what your life without her will be like - but again, there is no need to stand still and just wait on her. Don't avoid her, but let her make the first move now, that way you can be assured that there was no pressure from you for her choice. My feeling is that until you hear the very last words that it's totally over, there is still hope and you might even bond stronger than before. Anything is possible at this point as long as you don't waste your time in self-pity and have more confidence in yourself. Sometimes we women need time to reflect and appreciate what we had and admit that we want it back. Men are also this way, but are taught to be 'macho' which can benefit but also ruin things, so play it by ear until, again, you hear those final words. No matter what your choice, I wish you a lot of luck, contentment, and happiness in the future. There are men out there who 'want their space' too at times - it's called mid-life crisis, and we are only human - all of us. Again, good luck and keep us posted.

Searching for the one to grow old together with can be the hardest job in the world, but just might be worth the wait. And nobody is 100 percent perfect.

P.S. Crankiebabie, DJ H, and Confused - you've got some good points there - too bad I can't rate anyone today anymore.

[confused25]

"My feeling is that until you hear the very last words that it's totally over, there is still hope and you might even bond stronger than before."

I think those are some very wise words. When someone says they want to "take a break" it doesn't always mean the relationship is done and finished. Believe it or not but not all people use those words as an excuse to get rid of you. A lot of the times it really means he/she just simply needs to take a break and take care of other things in life. There is definitely still hope that things will work out in the future, just don't let this hope consume your day-to-day life, because if you do and it doesn't work out then you will hurt much more. Remember to give her (and you) the space that is needed and as someone said earlier, remember to take care of yourself.

[talaniman]

After you hang your butt out of the window then you will see that you have no commitment!Your in love but is she?You are ready to commit,is she?ASK her then !IS she ready to commit to you?If not you need to move on!:cool: :eek:

[Chery]

After you hang your butt out of the window then you will see that you have no commitment!Your in love but is she?You are ready to commit,is she?ASK her then !IS she ready to commit to you?If not you need to move on!:cool: :eek:

It's easier said than done, when told to ask, as most people have two fears; fear of not making enough money to live on, and fear of REJECTION - therefore the asking is usually put off until it's too late, even though the frustration of the unknown is more uncomfortable than the answer received would be. At least then, you can go on with life and know where you stand. We all have to just remember that no couple on this whole world is ever 100% happy or perfect, but with work, it's possible to shoot for at least a 95% and that's better than living alone with nothing. But, as I said, after a break and she goes back to him, she will be more sure that the relationship working better is a possibility, and he will also be reassured - so what is there to lose?

Just plain human nature, I guess - and the stress of society and 'trends'. - "nothing tried, nothing gained" - not even experience and personal growth.

[lost??]

I'm still up and down about this whole thing. I know I sound like a wuss and that I said I was going to let go but I don't know if I should or not. I mean its not like this thing consumes my whole life or anything. But as you can tell I'm still stressin over it. I know that she just wants her space and I've finally been giving it to her. I really do want to know where I stand and how she feels about me but when I used to asked her she would say "i dont know. i still love you but i just need to figure things out for myself". When I asked her if she would care if I met someone else she told me "of course i would. i still love you, but i would have no right to get mad at you". To me that sounds like she really wouldn't care and is dragging me on. What do you think? I know that everyone knows what I mean when I say I feel stuck between letting go and holding on. But at the same time, people keep telling me there's hope. And its hard for me cause I'm starting a new job at a great firm where I'm going to be very successful. But I want to share that with someone and I guess I still want it to be her. I know that if we don't work out ill find someone else, I mean I'm only 21. But still, and I know if we don't get back together this will eventually fade away, I don't want to be with anyone else. And I mean my friends have been great through this whole thing. They have been there for me the whole time. But they're probably getting tired of hearing this. People tell me to make her miss me and what we had but how? Just by not talking to her? I plan on seeing her the beginning of next month. I know I shouldn't bring up the relationship, but should I still ask her where we stand? Should I tell her that I want to move on (im not even sure if I want to or not)? I know that she doesn't know what she wants but you know its unfair what she's doing to me, especially after how good I was to her. The breaking up is not the worst part, it's the not knowing and being stuck. What do you guys think? Thanks

[talaniman]

The ideal situation for most of us is too find someone to share our life with.The bad part is the changes we go through on our way through life, that make us feel stuck or helpless or worse ,powerless!I understand that your feelings for this girl are still so fresh you can't feel or think of anything else!But you have to trust me and your own instincts here,If she loved you the way you loved her she'd be with you right now you wouldn't be going up and down and back and forth,you should be planning a life not trying to fiqure it out,this female has no clue as to what she wants but needs you close for her own reasons,whatever they are you don't help things at all by hanging around and promoting her indecision.The only thing for sure is she does not want a commitment with you but still needs your presence in her life.Every day she counts on your endless love to keep you coming around!So big boy what are you going to do?Play games at your own expense or clean out your life and move ahead?Your call, make a decision and stick to it!:cool:

[DJ 'H']

The ideal situation for most of us is too find someone to share our life with.The bad part is the changes we go thru on our way thru life, that make us feel stuck or helpless or worse ,powerless!I understand that your feelings for this girl are still so fresh you can't feel or think of anything else!But you have to trust me and your own instincts here,If she loved you the way you loved her she'd be with you right now you wouldn't be going up and down and back and forth,you should be planning a life not trying to fiqure it out,this female has no clue as to what she wants but needs you close for her own reasons,whatever they are you don't help things at all by hanging around and promoting her indecision.The only thing for sure is she does not want a commitment with you but still needs your presence in her life.Every day she counts on your endless love to keep you coming around!So big boy what are you gonna do?Play games at your own expense or clean out your life and move ahead?Your call, make a desicion and stick to it!:cool:

Nicely put - I agree totally!! You just have to accept things for what they are, move on and learn from it. It is something we have all had to do at some point or another and yes it was tough, there were times when I thiught I would never come out the other side, but things change - that's life. We are all on a long journey to find that special someone to share our lives with for eternity, some people think they have found them only to discover later they had not after all. It all happens for us, but at different stages and usually when we are content with ourselves & our lives. I have Pete now and I am scared stiffless that I am falling in love with him, because the last time I did, I got really hurt - but without taking that risk, I may never learn to love again. Pete and I may not work out, if we did not I would be devastated. But because of my experience, I would be able to get back up on my feet and carry on with my life a lot better than I could before.

Just make a decision one way or the other and get on with your life. There is a lot of things you are missing out on - don't waste anymore time; time is too precious to throw away. You should "enjoy every day as if it was your last and enjoy every night as if it was your first".

[Chery]

she would say "i dont know. i still love you but i just need to figure things out for myself". When I asked her if she would care if I met someone else she told me "of course I would. I still love you, but I would have no right to get mad at you

Hey, listening to all the friends, and 'reading' between lines, and putting words in her mouth when she says something, is not going to help you at all. Do you believe anything anyone ever says to you? Do you think that you both deserve an amount of trust here? She said she still loves you, but has no right to get mad - which is true, because she does not own you and you don't own her - you are both independent individuals and some people who tell the truth and don't bring out that jealous 'I own you' attitude get thought of as cold. We can care a lot about someone, but have no right to forbid things of them therefore just accept the fact - but that's not being cold - it's being respectful and still hopeful. So see her next month, and do ask appropriate questions, but without stress on both parts, if possible. Don't always think of the worst first, and give each other a chance. You can always turn away and leave if it does not work, but you might also miss out if you think too negatively and never trust anyone. Relax and see what comes - it's not like it's the last chance you'll get in this world, your are still young. Good Luck!

[lost??]

So we're going out to dinner next week. I know that I shouldn't bring up the relationship but I want to let her know that I'm doing fine without her. I know I can't come right out and say it but how do I let her know? Also do you think it's a good idea to ask her if the break is still going on or if she has no desire to get back together at all now (its been 2 months)? I know I'm still young and all but right now I have a great job with so much opportunity, I'm 1st in my class in college and I have my head striaght about things (well everything but this haha). And its not like I'm one of those people who sits in and studies all the time. I'm always out at parties or whatever having a good time. I am going to be very successful some day and I know anyone would be lucky to be with me. I want to share all this with someone, and I guess I still want it to be her. Someday I know ill look back on this and want to kick my own *** for being so weak and needy but for right now I don't know what to do. This sucks haha. Any suggestions??

[Wildcat21]

Don't bring up the relationship! Please! Just have fun.

You bring up and YOU WILL PUSH HER AWAY!! You WILL put pressure on her - women don't want pressure. You set the relationship WAY back.

Talk about how busy you are. How great school is. Fun things your doing. Yo uwant to be thefun guy - NOT the uptight guy who is always worried about the relationship. You need toshowwho that you don't care if she comes or goes... People Want What They Can't Have!! Always.

LISTEN TO HER!! Let her talk!! The greatest conversationalist are masters at listening and reflrcting - it goes a long way. Bill Clinton is master at conversation - HE LISTENS and reflects and asks questions.

[cheer-love]

hello,

i posted on this topic about a month ago. me and my ex had been going out for over 2 years then at the end of novemeber she said she wanted a break. she said she wanted time to focus on herself and find out what she wants. ive been up and down about it and i think i mite be ok now. ive been talking 2 her as friends and i always end up bringing up the relationship. i dont want to it just comes out and then it ends up making her annoyed and me feel worse. she says she still loves me and that theres a part of her that still wants to be with me. i think i am still in love with her too. but i mean i did everything for this girl.... so i kinda feel stabbed in the back. but i dont want to be dragged along on this break until one day she says she never wants to be with me. but i dont know if i want to move on either and give up hope on us. i know im not thinking straight and everyone i asked for help has told me different things, either to hold on or let go. i mean if i let go i might give up the chance of us ever being together again. but if i hold on and we dont get back together, i know ill be even worse off. what should i do? also, if i do move on, should i still be the nice guy i am to girls or should i not do everything for them like i did this last time. any help is greatly appreciated. thanks

Hey.
If she still loves you then you have nothing to worry about. Give your girl space and time. Your understanding will mean the world to her.

[Chery]

How about just going out to dinner, enjoying the atmosphere, talking about the menu, foods you both like, ask her how her day was and LISTEN. Don't bring up any subject from the past unless it's only 24 hours new. Don't dwell on your needs and wants for just one evening, and stop being in a panic to have everything right now! Imagine that this is the first date with her and that you are really interested in what type of person she is - she already knows who and what you are, so you don't need to repeat that. Start a new sheet of music, she's heard the old. If you ask her what her plans for the future are, i.e. job, hobbies, goals, etc, then you just might get an idea of why she needed the break and what her interests really are and work from then on if you want her back.

Good luck and have an easy, enjoyable evening.


Sometimes, 'silence is golden', really.

[lost??]

I've decided that's what I'm going to do, just go to dinner and try to have a normal conversation. I know I'm going to want to, but I won't bring up the relationship at all. I know that it can only make things worse. She's not ready to talk about it so I'm not going to put pressure on her and force her to do it, like so many of you said that I was doing. I see that by doing that I am pushing her away. I am going to try and be the fun guy, try to joke around like we used to but without the whole relationship part. Ill tell her what I've been up to and see what she's been doing. But wildcat... you said that people want what they can't have... well how do I make her want me again, by acting like she can't have me and I've moved on? Or letting her know that's my intention? Talk about other girls? Or should I just be myself and act like this whole thing isn't getting me down? Thanks a lot and ill let you know how the dinner goes.

[DJ 'H']

ive decided thats what im going to do, just go to dinner and try to have a normal conversation. i know im going to want to, but i wont bring up the relationship at all. i know that it can only make things worse. shes not ready to talk about it so im not going to put pressure on her and force her to do it, like so many of you said that i was doing. i see that by doing that i am pushing her away. i am going to try and be the fun guy, try to joke around like we used to but without the whole relationship part. ill tell her what ive been up to and see what shes been doing. but wildcat...... you said that people want what they can't have... well how do i make her want me again, by acting like she can't have me and ive moved on? or letting her know thats my intention? talk about other girls? or should i just be myself and act like this whole thing isnt getting me down? thanks a lot and ill let you know how the dinner goes.

If you talk about other girls then she will think she has lost you completely and you are not interested in that way at all anymore and that you only want her friendship. The best thing to do, is just to play it cool, be yourself and make her see that you are just getting on with your life, that you are not moping or dwelling on everything that has happened between you.

Girls love confidence and good company. If you listen to her, make jokes, stay relaxed and don't even mention the relationship, then you two are going to get on fine and you may even remind her of the man she fell in love with.

However if there are awkward silences and you both find it hard to construct any sort of sentence to each other - then you will know that it's over and that there is no going back.