[red and green]

I am in a relationship with someone who has a 9 month old child with a woman. They were together for two months, broke up, then found out she was pregnant. They are not sure that the child is even his. They are both aware that they do not want to be together in a relationship but need to figure out a way to co-parent in a way that is good for their child. My boyfriend watches his son two days a week, and some weekend nights to share responsibility. He spends these times at her house, often with her there and in the midst of arguments and emotional rollercoaster events. I came into his life 4 months ago and am trying to give him the space he needs. I do not know how to deal with the jealousy I experience every week when he goes to her house. I know that I will never be a first priority in his life and would like some advice on how to deal?

[Momma to three]

My first thought is that he needs to get a paternity test, so that he knows if the child is his or not. But at this point, it looks to me as if he isn't finished with this other woman. If he is watching his child, he should be able to do that at his home, or at yours. There's no logical reason I can think of why he HAS to be at her house. My advice is to move on, before you get even more hurt by this guy.

[s_cianci]

You pretty much have to make that decision for yourself. I don't think jealousy where the mother is concerned is warranted as it really sounds like he has no interest in her. As a father he does have a responsibility to this child. Is he paying any support toward his son? You say that they're not even sure that the child is his. This is sort of a precarious situation in that, right now he's in the position of not having the courts involved and that's a good thing from his standpoint. But if he truly wants to have a life of his own and not be forced to go over to her place every time he wants to see his son then he'll need a court order that can be adhered to and enforced. But getting the courts involved makes things hairier for him as well with court-ordered child support, probably far in excess of what he currently gives her of his own volition if anything and the whole rigamarole of wage attachment, tax refunds intercepted, threats of imprisonment, the whole nine yards. So my advice to you would be that if you care for this man, be a little flexible and realize that he may have to spend some time at the ex's place and have some interaction with the ex. The more he and the ex can work out and agree to on their own, the easier it'll be on him.

[Chery]

My first thought is that he needs to get a paternity test, so that he knows if the child is his or not. But at this point, it looks to me as if he isn't finished with this other woman. If he is watching his child, he should be able to do that at his home, or at yours. There's no logical reason I can think of why he HAS to be at her house. My advice is to move on, before you get even more hurt by this guy.

Also, depending how far into this relationship you both are, if it is a planned long-term one, and he is the father, you will have a part in the child's life too. So suggest that he brings the tot to your place and if he hehums around, find someone else without all the baggage and stress.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

[s_cianci]

There's no logical reason I can think of why he HAS to be at her house. My advice is to move on, before you get even more hurt by this guy.

Because without a court order to back him up he has no choice in the matter. But it's better on him if he can keep the courts out of it so at this point that may actually be his best option.

[simoneaugie]

Can paternity be tested without involving the F#&^ing government?

I agree that your jealousy is probably unfounded at this point. If you want to be involved in the relationship, the baby's mom comes with it, if it is indeed his, and maybe if it isn't. However, why can't he watch his son at his own house, or yours?

You talking to the baby's mom may reveal that she is not done with the relationship. And/or she might be overwhelmed by the concept of motherhood. She probably needs to get things straight with you. If you want to be involved in his life, be involved. Don't go through him with issues that affect you.

[s_cianci]

Momma to three disagrees: I don't see how it's better on anyone. They all need to know if the child is his or not, so they can make decisions based on facts instead of on assumptions.

Trust me, any man who's had to deal with the Family Court system in this country and all of the bullcrap that goes along with it knows that it's better not to get the courts involved in what is essentially your own personal business. If he really has doubts as to his paternity then he and the mother should get a DNA test done privately, at their own expense at a lab of their own choosing without involving the "F#&^ing government." If the test is negative then he's off the hook and c'est la vie. If the test is positive then he can work out a parenting plan with the mother. Now if she decides to be spiteful and refuses to cooperate then he may have to involve the courts. But that should be a dead-last resort.

[Momma to three]

Just to clarify... I NEVER mentioned anything about involving the courts or the government.