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deepblueeyes · Jan 18, 2008, 05:25 AM

Can a long term relationship work when the boy has a VERY high sex drive with dirty/kinky fantasies and the girl has a low sex drive, who only enjoys love making sex?

hollylovesbrandon · Jan 18, 2008, 09:43 AM

Well that's my relationship for the most part. And I've been with him for 5 years now. So I would say yes it can work.

Synnen · Jan 18, 2008, 10:14 AM

It will take a LOT of work on both sides, and a LOT of compromise, and a LOT of willingness on the side of both to do things they aren't that fond of.

Maybe some more details would help us answer your question.

Choux · Jan 18, 2008, 12:31 PM

This is not a relationship that is suitable for marriage, if that is your goal. A good marriage should be every woman's goal because it is the best way to survive. Just get your kicks and move on... in fact, move on.

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning, and the topic of short marriages came up... Eddie Murphy.. 2 weeks. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock... not too long. Kicks and excitement have their place in sexuality... but in the long run, a good marriage is the best arrangement for a woman. It is extremely important that a woman grow up and make as good a marriage as she can. No Jerry Springer marriages! Lol!

Synnen · Jan 18, 2008, 12:34 PM

Choux, I respectfully disagree.

It is important that every woman grow up and be HAPPY, whether that includes marriage or a man.

Marriages CAN be made with different sex drives---but it's a LOT of work. Love, trust, and respect HAVE to exist for marriage--sex doesn't (though it IS very important! There are just some relationships--for example if someone is injured or disabled--where sex becomes something else).

J_9 · Jan 18, 2008, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by Choux

A good marriage should be every woman's goal because it is the best way to survive.

Originally Posted by Choux

a good marriage is the best arrangement for a woman.

Maybe in the 60s or 70s. But today we are women and we don't need a man to make us happy. We have advantages now we didn't have then, we have opportunities, we have careers.

I can't imagine thinking that I HAVE to be married.

Oh, I will never teach my daughter the values that she has to DEPEND on a man. She can depend on herself, not some man.

Choux, did you realize this is the 21st Century, specifically 2008?

hollylovesbrandon · Jan 18, 2008, 01:13 PM

This post somehow turned into a battle against Choux. I am not agreeing with Choux by any means, but I think we should stick on topic. Choux is from a different generation than I. I do not believe that a woman HAS to be married to be happy, or have a baby or whatever. But, that is not the issue at hand. This was about being sexually satisfied. I have been married for 5 years to a man that likes different things in bed than I do. We BOTH compromise and we are very sexually satisfied. Being in a relationship (whether married or not) must involve compromises. And no, that doesn't mean just the woman has to sacrifice, that is not healthy. The man and the woman both compromise. This is not the 50's where women were submissive. But to answer your question, it can work, it has for me. But you must be open and honest and communicate your likes and dislikes.

J_9 · Jan 18, 2008, 01:21 PM

I am in a generation between the two of you.

Differences in sex drives can actually compliment each other. But I don't think that we should make it our goal to be married.

Differences in sex drives can be a good thing if you learn how to use the differences to the advantage of each person.

This is what is called communication. Communication is the key in any relationship. She communicates her needs... He communicates his. Then it takes compromise to make each person happy. Without communication and compromise there is no relationship.

Tony J · Jan 18, 2008, 01:48 PM

I think that generally women have a lower sex drive but there are exceptions. I agree that there has to be some conversation and some compromise. That's how relationships work generally anyway. My opinion is that time will tell weather this relationship will last. From my male perspective, if I did not have a partner with a higher sex drive I would be likely to find someone more compatible to my needs or invest in some internet entertainment if every other facet of the relationship was extremely satisfying.

Choux · Jan 18, 2008, 02:04 PM

I *never* said a woman needed a man to be happy, quite the opposite, I said a woman needs a good husband to survive. (should have said "almost all".)

These two women like to *attack me* AND READ INTO MY ANSWERS STUFF I NEVER SAID because I am *threatening* to them. Answers here are opinions, all answers. :)

Regarding the topic... I don't think that any relationships should be a lot of **work**! How exhausting! Just means you are having the wrong relationship for you, or you're a complainer. :D

kp2171 · Jan 18, 2008, 02:29 PM

Choux

Sometimes you get a raw deal. Not this time. This boy isn't got your back. Sometimes the message might get lost in the delivery, but here... buddy. c'mon.

You can't say marriage is the best arrangement for a woman and not expect to get slammed. So is the best arrangement for a guy his unit in one hand and a beer in the other?

*i hate it when I mix those two up*

Uh... off topic.

Back to the OP...

Can a relationship last when the guy and girl are in really different places sexually? Maybe.

As had been said, it'll take compromise. He's likely to have these fantasies whether you "approve" or not... he's wired this way and a craving or fetish is something that's more like a relfex.. its just there. Doesn't mean we need to succumb to it, but it's there whether we like it or not.

As for you having a low sex drive. Is it because you don't enjoy sex as much? Are you able to get off consistently? Not being crude... it's a real question worth asking. There are many women that write in here bored with sex cause it doesn't do anything for them.

So it takes balance. Some women would love to be in your place. They are with mates who are more like brothers than lovers, never giving sexually. Its depressing.

And then, of course, there are people in your place... where the guy is like some big puppy on caffeine... amped and ready to play all the time.

Extreme differences aren't good long term, unless you can, as has been stated, find middle ground.

If you think the pressure is just too much, you shouldn't feel bad about walking away. Sometimes people who are a pretty decent fit in other areas are sexually incompatible.

No fun if he feels denied all the time and you feel pressured or guilty all the time.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 18, 2008, 02:44 PM

Is the man willing to not have sex all the time and is he willing to dream his wild sex and be happy making love. And are you willing to play a few games with him at time.

If not, it will be hard.

Synnen · Jan 18, 2008, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by Choux

I *never* said a woman needed a man to be happy, quite the opposite, I said a woman needs a good husband to survive. (should have said "almost all".)

These two women like to *attack me* AND READ INTO MY ANSWERS STUFF I NEVER SAID because I am *threatening* to them. Answers here are opinions, all answers. :)

Regarding the topic....I don't think that any relationships should be a lot of **work**!! How exhausting!! Just means you are having the wrong relationship for you, or you're a complainer. :D

I was not attacking you.

I was actually appalled that the idea that a woman needs a husband at ALL to be happy is still out there.

A woman needs to be dependent on HERSELF.

I don't feel you're a threat to ME, Choux. I feel you're a danger to some of the people you answer by espousing the ideas that you do. Which is why I always give a counter to your posts.

All relationships are work--friendships, lovers, family--whatever. Everyone has to compromise, because no one can make any other person happy all of the time without losing themselves.

I'm extremely happy with my husband--but it's still work to make the relationship work, and it's still compromise on different ideas.

Any relationship that doesn't require work means that you're with yourself... and how boring!

I feel, since our opinions are so very different, Choux, that I MUST answer your posts with one of my own. If I were attacking you, you'd know it, believe me.

With that--I stand by my original answer: You can make different sex drives and fantasies work in a long term relationship, but ONLY if you're BOTH willing to work at it and compromise.

With that... let us please stick to the OP's question, or I'll move everyone's OTHER posts to member discussions, and we can air it out there, not on someone else's question.

kp2171 · Jan 18, 2008, 02:53 PM

Don't make her get the paddle out...

Its all in the wrist.

OK I quit. ;)

Choux · Jan 18, 2008, 03:18 PM

LOL! Just appreciate me, folks... this is all about each person's opinion. :D
Grow up!

kp2171 · Jan 18, 2008, 07:29 PM

I disagreed with you without rating your answer... tried to talk it out.

You are the one throwing disagree ratings around first.

What... my OPINION is not valid??

Whatever. Two faced and hypocritical to complain you are attacked and then you rate answers.

Poor baby.

kp2171 · Jan 18, 2008, 07:49 PM

Choux disagrees: I said a *good* marriage... hence my consistent advice. Don't stick with losers! Move on.

You actually said "good husband to survive"... and it was "survive" that I had an issue with.

I don't know. I've not been through a divorce, I'm not homebound and riddled with panic attacks so I don't have your perspective. For that I'm thankful.

That doesn't mean I have to take your side.

I know some women who have "survived" without a man. Maybe you haven't, but others have.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 19, 2008, 08:52 AM

To the original poster I would ask a few things, how long is this long term relastionship, to some teens on here 4 months is long term to them, to me if it is under 3 years it is not really a long term. So there can be a lot of opinoins just on what a long time is. Next what is their opinion of a high sex drive. I am in my ( well over 50 anyway) and I think that 3 or 4 times a week is just great. So are you talking about every time ou get together, every day, 3 times a day or what. And what are you calling kinky, I am often advice body paints and role playing or other places as a way to spice up a relastionship. But to others that would be kinky I guess.
Now if they want to include a goat and two migets, OK that may go to the kinky side of everyone's book. I think we first jumped the gun giving advice for a situation we first don't even know enough about to give an opinion on.

I would ask a few things, first each person has their opinoins, it is not my right or your right to judge how a person believes a relastionship should be. There are those that believe unless you treat the women like a dog, curse her and abuse her, it is not a good relastionship, that does not make them right, but that is their opinion.

For those that believe that marriage is the proper relationship for a couple, and you may be surprised that is a fairly large number of people, then a shacking up relationship is a cheaper version of a what is a better relastionship, one that has a outward sign of commitment, and also gives the other party more legal rights and protections. ** although too many fair to give that proper respect.

But in general men and women are drawn toward each other, we see that in dating relationships, And in many things, a strong partnership is a better situation for many things. Can one find happiness without it, of course, but for many, there is a need for a partnership that gives each other strenghts and help

I for one also believe that a couple should be married if they are wanting a real committed long term relastionship.

Marriedguy · Jan 19, 2008, 09:55 AM

Men in general have a heavier sex drive. If it was up to my wife I would be have sex now. I love and respect her so I know I can't have sex anytime I want it which is almost all the time. We both have full time jobs and two children to look after. So sex is restricted to a couple of times a week.. minus the cycle. Sex is a very important part of a marriage and all marriage have to have balance and compromise. That is what their meant by work.

As far as the dirty/kinky stuff has long as this is something you want to do and it feels good to you then enjoy but if brings you pain then tell him that you are not into it to that and he is respect and honor because its your choice.

letmetellu · Jan 19, 2008, 10:43 AM

From a mans point of View. I think the way for two people who truly love each other but have different views on sex is to discuss all of the differences and see which ones might be a deal breaker. I am from an older generation and I had lots off sex drive, I married a girl who had lots of sex drive but wanted it satisfied in different ways than I did. But the most important thing is that we never did refuse sexual pleasure even if it was not the way that the other had requested. After a few years our sexual differences seemed to grow closer together and now we don't have any areas that are that different in our sexual desires.