[cherryblueskies]

My fiancé cuts himself every-time we get in a huge argument. This recently starting happening when a fight led to me wanting to move out for a little while. He has several slashes on his upper arm, claiming he can't live with out me which is a catalyst for hurting himself. His family is from seattle and we're in New York. When I tried to explain to them the situation and if there was anyway they could help me get him help since his mother suffers from bipolar as well, they simply told me that due to the distance there was nothing they could do and to just deal with it. I believe that my fiancé is dealing with a lot of repressed and emotional issues fueled by some kind of mental disorder and a family that obviously doesn't really care for his mental health, but I cannot help him if he doesn't want help and he feels as long as we're together everything will be fine. Now I'm under tons of stress and I try to avoid conflict with him at any cost because I know what he'll do to himself. Its to the point where I feel like I'm in the relationship for his happiness more than mine.




Any Advice?
And no, telling me to "just leave the bastard" will not make the situation any better.

[Wondergirl]

Are the huge arguments really all that important? I'm sure they are stressful for you as well as for him. Is there a way to foresee an argument coming and stop it before it takes on a life of its own? Can you reframe the topic under discussion so it doesn't become an argument?

Cutters I've known say the cutting relieves stress and anxiety. It also may be his way to get your attention and even to make you feel guilty. Its manipulative, it's a sign of depression (anger held in). I'm sure he's very angry about a lot of things in his life, things he has no control over. Oh, yes. Cutters have also told me that cutting gives them a small measure of control. It's the one thing they have power over, and can choose to do it or not.

I suggest YOU see a counselor and find out ways to help yourself and, along the way, help him regain control of things in his life. Maybe too the counselor will invite him to come to a session with you ("to help you"), and maybe he just might go. If you tell him YOU need a counselor to learn how to control your anger and to avoid arguments, he shouldn't feel threatened.

You are the best thing that has happened to him. Thank you for caring about his emotional life. I wish you two a happy ending.

[ellenbrn]

My fiance cuts himself every-time we get in a huge argument. This recently starting happening when a fight led to me wanting to move out for a little while. He has several slashes on his upper arm, claiming he can't live with out me which is a catalyst for hurting himself. His family is from seattle and we're in New York. When I tried to explain to them the situation and if there was anyway they could help me get him help since his mother suffers from bipolar as well, they simply told me that due to the distance there was nothing they could do and to just deal with it. I believe that my fiance is dealing with a lot of repressed and emotional issues fueled by some kind of mental disorder and a family that obviously doesn't really care for his mental health, but I cannot help him if he doesn't want help and he feels as long as we're together everything will be fine. Now I'm under tons of stress and I try to avoid conflict with him at any cost because I know what he'll do to himself. Its to the point where I feel like I'm in the relationship for his happiness more than mine.




Any Advice?
And no, telling me to "just leave the bastard" will not make the situation any better.

You do need to get out of that relationship. YOu should not be responsible for his happiness. This is not going to get better, he has a major mental illness or he is taking advantage of your sympathy for him. You can offer him the # of a good psychiatrist... but that is about all you can do. It is up to him to get help. Don't let him ruin your life. You are not going to be happy.

[Choux]

You're not married... get out of this relationship asap!

Dating is a "live and learn" time of life... you learned that you don't want to deal with a man who has a serious mental illness. MOVE ON. Find a healthier man. :)

Re your ps, THIS SITUATION WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER.

Good Luck in the coming year,

[peggyhill]

You are right; your fiancée needs help. Cutting is a sign of serious depression/mental illness. Please encourage him to see a doctor and a counselor. I'm not saying he needs to go on meds because I'm not a doctor and I don't know him. But, I think it might be an option worth exploring.

The doctor can determine if medication might help him. The counselor can help him work through his emotions in order to understand why he is cutting. This isn't going to get better until he seeks help. Please do your best to encourage him by telling him how much you love him and want him to feel better. It's too bad his family doesn't live closer. Maybe you can encourage him to talk to his folks about it over the phone.

When I tell you this, I'm not trying to scare you. But I had a good friend who was cutting himself and very depressed. He kept refusing to get help. I talked to his family, and they wouldn't do anything. They just looked the other way. By the time his mom finally went to see about forcing him to go, it was too late. He committed suicide right after my birthday. Now I'm NOT saying that your fiancée is suicidal. But that is why cutting is very serious. It is always a sign of a deeper problem.

Here are some websites about mental illness. One of them is about bipolar disorder. I'm not saying he has that, but I included it because I though it had good info about getting help for mental illness.

http://www.bipolarworld.net/Family&SOS/getting-help.htm

http://www.dbsalliance.org

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If he can't afford the doctor/counselor's bills, there are many organizations which can help with the costs so that he can start feeling better again. Also, you should see a counselor to help you deal with the stress that all this is causing you. Remember to take care of yourself too.

Good luck and let me know how it is going!