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benandjerrysmadness · Jan 16, 2008, 02:37 PM

I've only been with my boyfriend seriously for 2 months, and we progressed very quickly, took everything too seriously and its left me in a mess!

I'm 19, he is 22 next month. From the first date he warned me he had a high sex drive, I freaked out as I had never been in a relationship before and told him to stay away. A week later we were texting again and he said he would take things slowly for me, so I gace it another try and it lasted 2 weeks, as he was constantly talking about sex, trying to get me to send dirty messages etc.

We met again on a night out about a month later and ended up getting into him, hen the texts started again, but this time I told him nothing could happen and he backed off. This time and fair enough maybe it is classed as leading him on (although it does take two to tango!) he got nasty, he threatened me, was horrible to me in work (we both work part time in a clothes shop) tried to get people against me, told me I was a bunny boiler, etc etc

A few weeks later we met again on a night out, he can't stay away from me, and as I was extremely drunk, ended up getting into him again, all this was because he forced it upon me I did try and back away, we texted again and again I said nothing could happen, but never did he want to know why. He told me to stay away and get out his life!

After this I started to miss him, at the beginning over November, he had a job interview, and from the kindness of my heart, I sent this message, "good luck with the interview, i hope it goes well, and always wish the very best for you" he text back and said it meant a lot and that he still really liked me because I was so thoughtful and by sending that message proved why he liked me so much. I decided that I would try it again and stick it out longer, we had a huge chat and said we wouldn't be sexual until I felt comfortable.

This time we spent 3 weeks getting to know each other dating, going out, cuddling, kissing, and I had very strong feelings very soon for him, after exactly a month I slept with him, and still to this day I don't regret it and I don't think it was too soon, what came after I regret...

After I slept with him (I lost my virginity) and this happened for the first time at mine when the parents were in, I told him I couldn't do that but it happened. After that night, he changed he started asking for dirty messages again, saying he still had a high sex drive and wanted it everyday. Foolishly as he is a moody type and because I find it hard to express my opinions I gave him sex everyday. On xmas eve he expressed his fanatasies to me, which horrified me (dressing up, ejaculating on face/in mouth, bondage, filming sex, pornographic photos, anal sex, stocking, sexy lingerie, sex toys, dirty talk, noises, groping myself etc) I said I didn't feel comfortable, but the more we had sex the more he would say let me do this and let me do that. After another week and a bit he had started to ejaculate in my mouth every time after sex, and had me in sexy lingerie and stockings.

He started to get more specific saying my messages weren't good enough, they needed to be more descriptive, and that porn was pleasuring him more, when we weren't having sex all he could talk about was sex and what he wanted from me, how I could make it better, when was going to be the next time we could have it, how horny he was etc

This weekend just gone, we went away, as soon as we got in the room he said right get on your lingerie and do a dance for me, I told him to wait and he went funny with me, so I did it, we had sex, he asked to come in my mouth, but "by accident" let it go all over my face, he also holds my head down during a blow job, which is upsetting as it hits my gag reflex and I find it hard to go right down for a long period. Then during the next day all he could talk about was that night and having sex and asking for anal sex, me to dress up, be really dirty, talk dirty. I just was not horny, I did not want it, I felt trapped and was dreading going back to the room alone. We left his friends who we had been with during the day and I wanted to cry going back to the room. As soon as we got back he said come on get into your lingerie, he tried to put his penis in my and it really hurt and started to bleed, but he said just hold on it will get easier and I'm enjoying it. I told he to get it out immediately and he got annoyed and shoved it in my vagina, which hurt like hell as I was not lubricated at all, that too started to bleed. He must have felt a bit bad and started saying hope your OK, and we won't have sex later (As in after the meal and night out) but then he got annoyed as he hadn't come, because I was bleeding everywhere. We went out for the meal, and had a few drinks but all the time he was sying I'm getting naughty thoughts, I'm really horny I want to be in you can we go back now, I felt so trapped again, we went back and we hadn't even stepped through the door before he was like come on into lingerie and stocking and heels and he was like be REALLY dirty I want the best sex yet. You put on a brave face and tried so hard for him, I was still bleeding and the pain was horrendous for me, it didn't really bother him at all. That night he took photos of my in linergie, he wanted to film sex on his phone but I refused that

Once we got home, I knew I had to end the relationship, basically I was his sex toy (object) who paid for everything (hotel, petrol, food, shopping etc)

To add to it all, he didn't like me spending time with the family or my friends, he wanted to be with me (or more like in me) 24/7. if I wasn't with him he was texting and I felt like I never had a life other than him. But after out awkward silences on the weekend away it made me realise that looking back over the two months we never really spoke, texts were always about sex or dirty messages. If I text him aksing if he had a good day and how was he, he would reply with something different like when can I see you, or miss you.

That's another thing, despite me making him out to be sex obsessed, he did always say he loved me, and couldn't be with out me, needed me, told me nice things like I was beautiful, good looking, lovely, caring, thoughtful, but that's all our convos really stretched to.

Today I called him and tried to explain and he begged and pleaded not too, told me how much he loved me, and that he made me promise I wouldn't dump him, how much he needed me etc. then when I tried to explain about sex and money he hung up. I later received a text saying "thanks for making me out to be a fool, jus wait to see what the lads in work think of ur naked pictures!" I replied (even though I was petrified) I replied saying if your image is all you can think about and threatenin me it proves what you are really like. I then text him to explain why I broke up with him, he replied saying if its all about sex ill change my ways ill do anything to be with you trust me etc etc. I text back saying id had all the chances I wanted, I missed my friends, I missed my family, I want to focus on my uni studies, I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, the threats proved what he was really like. Id made my final decision but I also said I had no hard feelings and wished him success for the job and future. He then replied saying please can be chat, we can make this work, ill do anything, trust and believe in me, I love you so so so much! (basically I'm so glad I never let him filmed sex as judging by his photo threats he would probs show them that and possibly put it on the net? )

Now after all I've explained I feel really sad, I remember the good times (Few) and think well am I throwing away a good guy here, maybe every guy is this obbsessed with sex. I cannot cope with the fact and thought that I have broken his heart and devastated him, and its making me sad. I keep thinking maybe he can change, but look how many times I've been there before, I KNOW HE can't but I can't live with myself knowing I'm killing him, as that thought kills me inside. My friends hate him as do my family and my family know none of the sexual content, their opinion is based on the money and moodiness aspects of him.

Basically I'm really down and depressed, I know I shouldn't get back with him, but him begging is breaking my heart even more. Please help give me advice, should I get back with him? How can I get over him? Basically once he accepts NO for the answer he will turn horrible on me, like he has with past relationships, he's slapped a girl and all his ex's have strong feelings of hate towards him, one girl beat him up and bottled him and got a knife on him.

He's making me feel bac, but surely I shouldn't feel this way, I miss the kisses and cuddles and affection, but I know he can't change, and even if he tries I know ill never be able to give him what I know he wants deep down, its so hard and I feel so depressed and heartbroken, I really could do with some advice and support as talking to my mum is upsettin her beyond belief which gets to me even more!

Sorry its so long, but I needed to explain everything!

raggablue · Jan 16, 2008, 03:06 PM

Get him out of your life straite away. He is an evil man, not like any other. No one deserves that. Run run run run

HistorianChick · Jan 16, 2008, 03:19 PM

You are not "throwing away a good guy here", you are protecting yourself from a crazy, sex-obsessed guy who won't take no for an answer. Guys like sex. Heck, Girls like sex, too, but not to the point of forcing someone to have sex when they do not want to. That totes the line of sexual assault.

Agree with raggablue - get him OUT. Run like Forrest, honey. Change your cell number and do what you have to to get away from him. Seriously. He is trouble.

Good luck, hon. And keep us all posted.

Craig80 · Jan 16, 2008, 03:20 PM

God damn.. that's really some sick stuff. Run for the hills seriously, that guy is nowhere near how a normal boyfriend should be. .

spartan24018 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:04 PM

This is messed up, I don't know why you still put up with this guy. He used you, he took you from you everything he could steal (yes, I am quoting Bob Dylan), and all he ever wanted is an easy f-ck. Get him out of your life, seriously. This guy is evil, get away from him as far as you can. Don't contact him, change your phone number, anything. God, he did some truly sick things to you. Now it's time for me to debunk some of the "myths".
#1. You are not throwing away a good guy here, you are throwing a bad guy out of your life. I bet you he will have sex with any girl, and he just finds that you are the easiest in his life right now.
#2. You haven't broken his heart because I don't think he loved you in the first place. He was never considerate of your feelings or opinions and frankly, that is not love to me. Deep down inside of you, you know what he truly wants. All the kisses and the cuddles were probably toward one goal. Plus, would someone that loves you threaten you with posting private sex pictures for the public to see? No. Leave him, and leave him fast.

DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM, plain and simple. I'm sincerely sorry for the trouble that you're in. Just start talking to other people, just surround yourself with people that make you smile and laugh and eventually... you'll be happy again.
p.s.
He is not how a boyfriend should be, there are guys that will treat you way better then this one.
Keep us posted, and good luck!

Rockstar714 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:25 PM

He sounds like a creep. The true meaning of the word. He made you have sex against your will (you told him no, he had his way) that's rape. Threating to post pictures of you at work? That's sexual harassment. You can talk to your boss about that.
DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT LEAVING HIM!! He's a jerk, and the sad thing is, you're probably not the only girl he's doing this to. I was dating a guy (VERY briefly) that sounded the same way, always wanted to try things and blah blah blah. Come to find out I was girl 3 or 4, but he said he "needed me". My ex boyfriend was like that too, always saying he loved me when he wanted something (like me to pay for everything.). Sad to say, he was just using you, and if he thinks he can keep doing this to you, he's wrong. Don't give in to him, don't let him get to you.
Don't answer his calls. Better yet, change your number. If he posts pictures, get him for harassment.

benandjerrysmadness · Jan 16, 2008, 05:32 PM

He keeps sending my messages saying he will do anything, as I'm the love of his life, and he cares for me, and that he didn't know I felt that way because I just allowed him to do things (that was out of fear of his moods) he's making me feel so suicidal as I can't cope that I've broken his heart, he told me I've made a mistake and that I'm not trying and I can't run away as easily as I am doing. I told him if he loved me he wouldn't threaten me his reply to that was "you give of love comfort and support the back bone of any great relationship" now I'm lost I have no idea what he means.

I'm distraught in case I was his everything, I'm lonely, I miss the cuddles and affection. I know I can't go back I've made my mind up, but I'm living in the fear of what the consequences are going to be, he can't accept NO for an answer, but when he finally does I know all hell will break through, and I'm going to be left in such a mess, that I'm wondering whether to get back with him to stop the suffering he is going through, as the pain he will put me through, it surely can't be as bad as pretending I'm interested in dirty sex. My mind is crazy I can't think, I don't want to be here anymore he's destroyed everything about me!

Thanks for your help guys, it all means so much

benandjerrysmadness · Jan 16, 2008, 05:43 PM

I also want to add that me and this guy work in the same shop, his lads mates already dislike me as I've had a brief past with another guy who I never dated but texted he treated me just as badly and then spread rumours about me, so the younger people in the shop hate me. I fear work now!

Rockstar714 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:44 PM

I'd be finding a new job...

Craig80 · Jan 16, 2008, 05:45 PM

OK, listen carefully here!
I'm only 21 but I can REALLY see what kind of trouble you're in, let me make it a _little_ bit easier for you.

You did the most right thing by leaving him - There was nothing wrong in it - absolutely nothing! Whenever you have second thoughts about it come back to this thread and READ all of our answers here to give yourself the clarity, understanding and courage you need to stay away from this sick guy who is trying to abuse you. I'm sure many more people will tell you to stay as far away as possible from him.

He is in no way "in love" or care for you like you think - he cares for the flesh you have so he can practice his sick sexual needs, just mustn't give into the feeling of loneliness or need of affection - and if you must, then get it from some other nice, caring guy, who doesn't take advantage of you.

raggablue · Jan 16, 2008, 07:15 PM

Don't let him worm his way in. I would leave my job, report him to your boss he's way way way out of line. They sound like horrible twisted people anyway.

benandjerrysmadness · Jan 17, 2008, 02:24 AM

He is absolutely begging me saying I'm not beinf fair I can't throw our chances away, saying things like I love him and he knows I love him and I need to listen to my heart before I tell him goodbye, and that he will fight for us and not give up. This is tearing me up even more now!
Thanks guys I know I can't go back, but it still won't take no for an answer!

Craig80 · Jan 17, 2008, 06:19 AM

Originally Posted by benandjerrysmadness

he is absolutely begging me saying im not beinf fair i can't throw our chances away, saying things like i love him and he knows i love him and i need to listen to my heart before i tell him goodbye, and that he will fight for us and not give up. this is tearing me up even more now!
thanks guys i know i can't go back, but it still wont take no for an answer!

He is trying to manipulate you and playing on your aftermath feelings.

You are being fair and you are doing the right thing, don't doubt it.

Sammy68 · Jan 17, 2008, 07:07 AM

You have not broke this man's heart or devastated him. He's manipulating you. He likes to be in control of a situation, and he likes controlling you, so therefore he will say anything to regain that control. He is also abusive.
Sex should never feel dirty. A man should never be rough against your will and end up physically hurting you, as this man has. If a man truly cares for you, he will not continue to push sex upon you. He will wait until you are completely ready. Would you hurt someone you really cared a lot about?
It seems that sex is an act of control for him.
There are many men out there who would never make you feel this way, believe me.
Do what you need to do to get this particular man out of your head. Do not accept his calls, text messages, etc. Spend valuable time with your girlfriends and members of your family. Do "good" things for yourself. Try to put this unfortunate experience behind you. Nothing good will ever come out of this. His behavior will only grow worse, as it did.
You do not deserve this type of treatment. It's degrading.

spartan24018 · Jan 17, 2008, 08:50 AM

This makes me mad

Originally Posted by benandjerrysmadness

he is absolutely begging me saying im not beinf fair i can't throw our chances away,

HE is not being fair to YOU. He's not even THINKING about your feelings or opinions! He's forcing what he wants down your throat, is that being fair to you? Sweetheart, there is no love because there is no respect. He wants what he wants, he doesn't care what you think.

Originally Posted by benandjerrysmadness

saying things like i love him and he knows i love him and i need to listen to my heart before i tell him goodbye,

Tell you've listened to your heart and that you've made a decision to leave him and that's final. Tell him "If you can't listen to me, or respect the decision that I've mad to leave you, then F-ck off". Sorry if I seem crude, rude and disrespectful.

Originally Posted by benandjerrysmadness

and that he will fight for us and not give up.

You should see the irony here. He's fighting for himself, he's not fighting for "us". He's fighting for getting back together with you only for sex. If he loves you, he would've let you make a decision about your relationship and worked with it.

Originally Posted by benandjerrysmadness

this is tearing me up even more now!
thanks guys i know i can't go back, but it still wont take no for an answer!

Stay strong, sweetheart. You have to be persistent as he is, so he'll get the message. Good luck and keep us posted!

benandjerrysmadness · Jan 17, 2008, 10:29 AM

Thanks for all your help guys, really cannot thank you enough!

Can I just add that I'm doing my best to ignore this man but now he's threatening me with his life.

He is saying he is suicidal, without me, there is no life for him, "end of us, end of him"

He then went on to say that I had obviously lied about loving him and that he will never be able to trust another woman after the hurt and pain and lies I've put him through.

He then said how many times have you thought about me today, I didn't reply, he then said now imagine me with another women, how does that make you feel, he keeps telling me that he knows I'm breaking up inside feeling lonely, longing to be back with him (but that sad thing is he's right, I'm hurting inside, I'm missing his nice parts, I'm missing the love he did show sometimes)

He also said to me... you will coming running back when you can't find anyone else! That was so hurtful!! But sometimes I think maybe I won't find anyone else, but I know I wudnt give him the satisfaction of running back!

I can't deal with it, he's says if I end it I've ended him, what if he commits suicide, ill be locked up for it, it will be my fault, the world will hate me and I won't get anywhere!

He is psycho and he's beginning to send me psycho, as I can't help but feel why don't I give him the chance he is after, maybe he does regret it all. He is not the type of guy to plead, it doesn't do his image any good. I just can't cope!

HistorianChick · Jan 17, 2008, 10:36 AM

Honey, you WON'T find yourself running back to him because you know exactly what "running back" would be... going back to all that hurt and heartache isn't worth it.

You're right, he IS psycho. You're doing the right thing.

I had to get a new cell phone number in a past psycho-stalker relationship. I even went to the cops and asked what to do. The one thing the cop told me - "don't threaten anything that you won't do." If you tell him to leave you alone, or else, back it up.

Seriously - change your cell. Don't open his emails or texts. If he calls, don't answer and delete the voice mails. DON'T GIVE HIM YOUR POWER!

Good luck, honey, keep your chin up, You're DOING GOOD!

raggablue · Jan 17, 2008, 11:13 AM

He keeps saying "us" and "our relationship". But you both need to be equal in order for there to be a you (plural)

spartan24018 · Jan 17, 2008, 02:32 PM

Hahaha, he's threatening to take his life if you leave him? Call his bluff, he's full of it.

cerisa · Feb 28, 2008, 12:34 PM

Classic psycho behavior, hope you found another job and stayed clear of this monster. Both men and women can behave this way, they should have warning labels on their foreheads.