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HistorianChick · Jan 22, 2008, 09:30 AM

From a woman's perspective:

Just remember... If you involve yourself with her, three or four years down the road, she may "feel the need" for another friend... and you could possibly find yourself in the same situation, but on the other side.

If that's a risk that you want to take, then go for it! But as a woman, I agree with ISneezeFunny, girls don't cover their bases and plan to rebound... Good girls, that is.

Good luck!

qwerty108 · Jan 22, 2008, 04:56 PM

Ok, I hear you all... I just don't know how long I want to "wait" I guess. I sort of have my hopes up right now, but I need to understand what she has going on in her life right now. She seems unhappy in her relationship this past week, but that again just gives me hope that probably will be shot down a week later. I just don't see anything really happening with her leaving him because they do live together, and she would need to find another place to live. Unless they broke up cleanly... but who knows. I just see him being to old to change his ways, and if she's not happy with those ways, then she should realize it and get out. But that's not my call.

qwerty108 · Jan 23, 2008, 09:15 PM

I've been having troubles talking to this girl I work with. We have many conversations through out the day and outside of work. It just seems to fizzle out after awhile. She has a boyfriend who she lives with, and I sort of like her.

If you read my other question you can understand more about that.

But anyway, I make her laugh all the time, I mean all the time. But then we can have our own private talks and try being serious. I'm OK with those too because she does most of the talking and then I give my feedback.

We chat on the phone too every so often and we just seem to run out of things to say. We talk about our day that we pretty much had together at work, and then we talk about food and just other random things.

We also email at work back and forth to stay in touch.

What is going on? And what do you think about it?

talaniman · Jan 24, 2008, 08:26 AM

You're her "girlfriend", and she likes the friendship, as you say she is taken, so what's so confusing?? You want more, but I doubt you get it.

qwerty108 · Jan 26, 2008, 05:07 PM

Well, the past few days at work have become different in a way. We still email back and forth, but not as often, and we don't talk to each other outside of work as much. I asked if something was wrong and she just said that she's been having some financial troubles with people she's loaned money to. Not sure if that's the whole problem, but I can't really tell. She was talking about her bills, and how she's stuck right now. I don't think it's just financial troubles.

I'd like to help her out, but I don't want to get to close and friendly that I scare her away.

Any ideas what may be going on and what I can do? At this point I'm happy being friends, but if we don't communicate, I'm starting to feel sort of left out or not as an important friend.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 26, 2008, 05:10 PM

You're starting to act like a clingy boyfriend.. . that's a problem. Just keep in mind that you're a friend to her, nothing more. If she has a problem she wants to share with you, then she'll talk to you. If not, don't prod.

qwerty108 · Jan 26, 2008, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

You're starting to act like a clingy boyfriend. ...that's a problem. Just keep in mind that you're a friend to her, nothing more. If she has a problem she wants to share with you, then she'll talk to you. If not, don't prod.

Gotcha, thanks for the advice. I sort of feel like I'm too clingy at times. I just need to forget all that stuff and let her come to me. I think I'm just to friendly or sensitive at times.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 26, 2008, 05:17 PM

I hear you. Most of us here are nice guys who care too much or give too much or would do anything to make the life of their significant others happy. That's why we end up here. Because we try too hard. We make it too easy for women.

... no more.

talaniman · Jan 26, 2008, 05:25 PM

Your spending way too much time, and emotion, on this unavailable female, and this will lead you to being sucked into her drama. No one here knows her, and neither do you really, but its so obvious your hanging around, hoping she breaks up with her b/f, so you can have a chance. Be honest with yourself, and recognize from what you have written, these are not the actions of a friend at all. Get your life back in order, and stop the contact for a while, and do something else, besides worry about her, and her situation.

Miss Sparkle · Jan 28, 2008, 06:05 AM

Most definitely do not get together with her. Ive dated 3 of my co-worker's and it just creates problems and tensions in the workplace.
You get close to people you work with because they are the only people around to talk to, these things rarely work out in the long run.
It just isn't worth it

qwerty108 · Jan 28, 2008, 09:15 PM

I'm not looking to work there much longer, and neither is she. I'm still young and always looking for a new job in hopes of finding a career. I plan on working somewhere else in a year or 2 for sure. It's already set up. I've thought of that, but we are just good friends these days. And if something were to happen, I don't really see too much trouble while working together.

Bluerose · Jan 30, 2008, 06:48 AM

I agree one hundred percent with talaniman. Enjoy the company and stop daydreaming - it's never going to happen.

Miss Sparkle · Feb 1, 2008, 05:32 AM

U can only do what's right for you, but I would say be aware of what could happen.

qwerty108 · Feb 1, 2008, 01:51 PM

Well I found out that she doesn't really want to get married, her boyfriend had a previous wife. We got to talking more about it, and she says that she's not really wanting to get married. I asked her why, and she just said that her boyfriend is in no big hurry and she just goes with the flow. So if it happens it happens. So I was curious and asked if she would accept if he asked her today... would she get married? She said "probably, i'm young and have plenty of time." She said that they are pretty settled down because they've been together for 3 years.

So basically the furthest I'll get is friendship... right? I mean, it looks like she's satisfied with what is going on currently in her relationship. So right now I'm just having some troubles dealing with this, and trying to not think of her more than a friend.

Help me out! Thanks

talaniman · Feb 1, 2008, 04:36 PM

Accept she is unavailable, and leave her alone, because you have feelings, and a false hope, for more than she is willing to give. No contact, will help you get over those feelings, and put a better perspective, on this situation.

kandyfruitcake · Feb 1, 2008, 04:49 PM

Originally Posted by qwerty108

yes i know, but right now i'm happy with being friends, i'm just wondering how i can make our conversations alittle bit more normal and not so awkward. It's like we run out of stuff to talk about.

You had a sexual chemistry that was flattering but now that's running its course and dying down. Result? Bloody great moments of silence when you have naff all in common - time to let the friendship die and stop kidding yourselves.

qwerty108 · Feb 5, 2008, 04:54 PM

All right! This weekend I just flat out told her I liked her. Thankfully she didn't go nuts and freak out and tell her boyfriend to have him come and kill me! I sent it to her in an email over the weekend and she was hesitant to respond. Today she finally responded and just let me know that we were just good friends. That's all I needed to hear! Weight has been lifted and now I know where I'm at in her life. She said that I was a great guy and that I would have no problem finding someone to care about and to love. She said that she hopes we can remain friends and still talk, email, hang out, etc. She told me that growing up, she hated girls, so she didn't have any girlfriends. So she was always around guys, and just hanging out with them. I told her that was the one thing that made me really think she was something special. She told me not to be afraid of talking to her or telling her how I felt.

Although I still enjoy her qualities, I still need to move on and get rid of the feeling that I still have a chance with her. I hope we can still be friends while not thinking about her as as more than just a friend. Let me know what you all think! Thanks

qwerty108 · Feb 6, 2008, 09:34 PM

All right, check out my previous post on my co-worker relationship before going any further.

All right! This weekend I just flat out told her I liked her. Thankfully she didn't go nuts and freak out and tell her boyfriend to have him come and kill me! I sent it to her in an email over the weekend and she was hesitant to respond. Today she finally responded and just let me know that we were just good friends. That's all I needed to hear! Weight has been lifted and now I know where I'm at in her life. She said that I was a great guy and that I would have no problem finding someone to care about and to love. She said that she hopes we can remain friends and still talk, email, hang out, etc. She told me that growing up, she hated girls, so she didn't have any girlfriends. So she was always around guys, and just hanging out with them. I told her that was the one thing that made me really think she was something special. She told me not to be afraid of talking to her or telling her how I felt.

Although I still enjoy her qualities, I still need to move on and get rid of the feeling that I still have a chance with her. I hope we can still be friends while not thinking about her as as more than just a friend. Let me know what you all think! Thanks

qwerty108 · Feb 9, 2008, 08:24 AM

Ok, so this female friend I work with, she has a boyfriend. We are really good friends... do I get her a Valentines gift? And if so, what do you recommend? Remember she does have a boyfriend. But do friends give each other stuff like that?

JBeaucaire · Feb 9, 2008, 10:45 AM

NO. Don't do that, it's unnecessary. Valentine's is for people who are together or are courting. She has a BF so at best, you're in the process of trying the steal her away. Yes?

If so, Valentine's Day is irrelevant. You need to be courting her every day, but not with Valentines stuff, that's just confusing.

On the other hand, if you've made no overt attempt to let her know you want her to quit her BF and be with you, then V.Day may be the way to do it, but don't be "friends" in the content. Make sure your intentions are clear.

If you are really just friends, stick to buying coffee.