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Bellagrace19 · Jan 12, 2008, 09:53 AM

Okay... Well here it goes..
No one else to talk to, so why not talk to complete strangers about it...

I have a really good guy friend, his birthday is coming up, he will be 44 years old. We have became great friends over the last year. I am 20 years old.. Had a crush on him, of course, but things didn't go any further because of the age difference, understandable, just enjoy being friends.
He says that he doesn't have any kind of feeling like that towards me, just friends, and that if I was of closer age, then things might have worked out. That's still all okay to me. Well we have like this sarcastic type of relationship, were we joke and pick a lot. He is a sheriff, so he watches my back or helps me out. No married, not in a relationship. Seems like every guy I kind of mention to him, he had something negative to say about that person. Doesn't bother me, I know that he likes me, but we can't do anything about it, well he chooses not to. He tries to make me mad by mentioning other females names or that they look good, etc. Even talks about how my mom is nice looking, and even texts her or calls her every now and again, knowing that I am going to know about it. Well when I ask her is she has talked to him, she's like no I haven't in a while, and I know that is a lie. He claims that he doesn't text her or call her, and she says the opposite. So that is something that has gotten under my skin...
Now I am talking to a great guy who loves my daughter, he just turned 35, I like him. Just super guy, and my friend is royally mad that I am talking to him. I try not to make it his business what goes on, so when he finds out that we went out and ate or something, he blows up and doesn't talk to me, or ignores me, or texts my mother...
He claims the guy is crazy, his family is crazy, etc. And I love my friend to death...

Question is: What is going on? What is he thinking? What does he want? I know that as much denial as he is in, that he likes me.. If he was just a friend, he would be happy for me, because I have had it rough.
What do you think?

talaniman · Jan 12, 2008, 10:06 AM

Get this old fart out of your business, as he acts like a father, a controlling one at that. That's his problem to deal with, so live your life without his input. For a very young female, you sure go for older guys. That's your business too.

little firefly · Jan 12, 2008, 10:29 AM

I agree with Tal. This guy is acting like a controlling father. If he's told you he dosen't feel more than friendship for you and dosen't want to take things to another level then it shouldn't matter to him who you date.

s_cianci · Jan 12, 2008, 10:33 AM

Your 44-year-old sheriff friend obviously has some problems with jealousy. The next time he says something, just matter-of-factly remind him that he hasn't made a move and that you want to go on living your life. You obviously have an affinity for older men as 35 really isn't very far from 44. That's not necessarily a bad thing but at age 20 it's possible that some maturity issues may come between you. That'd be less of a problem as you both get older even though the mathematical age difference would stay the same. You've claimed several times that he likes you but how do you feel about him? If you really were just friends it would seem to me that you wouldn't care why he acts the way he does. Examine for yourself where you're coming from in all of this and then be honest and upfront with him.

allswell · Jan 12, 2008, 10:37 AM

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that somehow, in the men that you are attracted to, you're trying to recreate a father figure. There's nothing wrong with it usually, we all do it to an extent, but this guy is bad news. A 44-year-old child who resorts to texting your mother to send a message to you ? What the heck is that about? And throwing temper tantrums when you spend time with another man? T

The issue here isn't the age: love comes in all shapes and sizes. The issue is that you two are an explosive combination--and no good can ever come of this, friendship or otherwise. Once you get over this infatuation you have, you'll come to realize that you've never really gotten anything out of your relationship, and this delusion was just that, a delusion. No one should put up with this kind of erratic behavior. Much less you, who has a child to think about.

If this new guy really appreciates you, take the time to nurture that relationship. In all fairness to him, and you, I suggest you sit down with 44 and tell him to never contact you and or your mother again, unless there's a legal issue. I'd also ask your mom to be sensitive to the situation.

Good luck.

s_cianci · Jan 12, 2008, 10:38 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Get this old fart out of your business

When I was 20, a 44-year-old may have seemed like an old fart. As for that matter a 35-year-old may have as well. But now that I am 44, a 75-year-old isn't an old fart to me anymore. More like 84 maybe lol!

talaniman · Jan 12, 2008, 11:18 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

When I was 20, a 44-year-old may have seemed like an old fart. As for that matter a 35-year-old may have as well. But now that I am 44, a 75-year-old isn't an old fart to me anymore. More like 84 maybe lol!

I just turned 54, so I'm chuckling at my own choice of words. LOL.

Bellagrace19 · Jan 12, 2008, 01:17 PM

In fact, I have sat down and considered a relationship. His age wasn't brought up until later on as our friendship grew... But anyway, I am a very mature person for my age, Id like to think that and have been told that..

**Allswell-you basically hit the nail on the head! I have been in so much denial that it is crazy! Yes, I liked him, a lot... and then I said you know I think its because he actually opened up to me and was someone that I could open up to, as a guys point of view, but now its crazy, its this jealously, "I like you, and want to be with you, but I am also a public figure, and that would look bad on me" type thing is what it is.

Im not trying to say, yes I want to be with him, I don't. Just friends. But if the jealousy consists, then the friendship won't be there much longer.
His ego is much bigger than he is, he claims that he just has all these women, yet he's not with any, he stays on the phone with me, from like 8-1 at night. And don't get me wrong I love to talk to him and vent, etc. But what he is doing with his "mind games" is not very "mature" considering age. Lol, that should be something that I am doing. Im just stuck, don't want to lose a great friend, but can't take this, "more than a friend-jealousy" attitude...
And my mom, is very devious, I didn't think that she was like that, but she lies about him texting her, smiles when he calls, which every now and again it is business related, but heck you don't smile about getting a traffic ticket... at least I don't
I am very good friends with all the police officials here, I do a lot of campaiging for them, etc... and it makes her envious. I tried sitting down talking to her, but she just take offense to what I am trying to say...

All of you are being very helpful, thanks a lot! I do have a best friend she is 29, and I confide in her, she has told me that same as all of you, I guess I just want lots more of opinions!

allswell · Jan 12, 2008, 05:01 PM

You hang in there. I am glad we are able to provide some insight. You'll soon find out he's not a friend, either. I know that's harsh, but friends don't act the way he does. There's a manipulative angle (subconscious or otherwise) at play here: he knows you can talk to him, fancy him, vent to him, etc. and he just loves the attention. He doesn't want you, but he's not going to let anyone else have you, either. I wouldn't believe him for a second when he says he wants to be with you for fear "it would look bad" or whatever. It's already looking bad, and I am sure people are already talking and to an extent his reputation as sheriff has been tarnished, so what difference does it make whether the relationship is taken to another level? It already has, and it's already suspected.

My father always told me: if there's a "but" in the sentence, you can pretty much disregard whatever comes before it because all that matters is what comes after it. So, "I wan't to be with you, but..." doesn't cut it for me, and it shouldn't for you, either. Normal, healthy people don't say things like that. You may think it, but you don't say it, especially not when you're 44 and you shoul know better, and especially not two a single mother who is 20 years old.

Take my advice, and get rid of this guy once and for all. I am sure you have plenty of people whom you can talk to... and more will come.

Bellagrace19 · Jan 14, 2008, 07:54 AM

Originally Posted by allswell

You hang in there. I am glad we are able to provide some insight. You'll soon find out he's not a friend, either. I know that's harsh, but friends don't act the way he does. There's a manipulative angle (subconscious or otherwise) at play here: he knows you can talk to him, fancy him, vent to him, etc., and he just loves the attention. He doesn't want you, but he's not going to let anyone else have you, either. I wouldn't believe him for a second when he says he wants to be with you for fear "it would look bad" or whatever. It's already looking bad, and I am sure people are already talking and to an extent his reputation as sheriff has been tarnished, so what difference does it make whether or not the relationship is taken to another level? It already has, and it's already suspected.

My father always told me: if there's a "but" in the sentence, you can pretty much disregard whatever comes before it because all that matters is what comes after it. So, "I wan't to be with you, but..." doesn't cut it for me, and it shouldn't for you, either. Normal, healthy people don't say things like that. You may think it, but you don't say it, especially not when you're 44 and you shoul know better, and especially not two a single mother who is 20 years old.

Take my advice, and get rid of this guy once and for all. I am sure you have plenty of people whom you can talk to...and more will come.

Thank you so much on your insight, I guess its just a matter or "doing" it now, and its hard, I haven't talked to him in the last 2 days, since I have begun talking to you...
I love what your father said about the buts...
Thanks so much, I bought him a cake for his birthday tomorrow, should I eat it??