[stressed122]

I am 22 years old and I have a 4-year-old boy. My ex never became responsible for my son. He wanted to be there emotionally, but not financially. I was with him until my son was about 12 months old. After I left him, he was using and selling drugs and he's been in and out of jail. I'm glad I never moved in with him.

Now, I'm happily married to my former best friend. My husband loves my son very much. Since he has been there for me since my son was born, my son calls him daddy and he truly believes he's his dad. My husband wants to adopt him. I talked to my ex after about 2 years of not hearing from him, and I told him that my husband wants to adopt my son. Now, he tells me that he wants to be a part of my son's life and he will not give up his rights as his father. My husband doesn't know I talked to my ex. He doesn't want me to have any contact with that family. It bothers him every time he sees my son's last name, because he wished he had his last name.

I don't know what to do! I really want my husband to adopt my son. I also don't want to confuse my son. What process can I take? I want to take care of this soon, because now I can't even take my son out of the country without my ex's consent.

Where should I start?

[twinkiedooter]

The child's father has to either give up his parental rights or agree to the adoption. I don't know why you can't take son out of the country. Do you have anything in writing (i.e. court order or separation agreement that was part of your divorce) about custody on this child at this point in time with the child's father stating you cannot take him out of the country? I take it he never paid dime one in child support either. Sad.

[stressed122]

Well, I was never married to him, and I just wanted to get away from him. I never filed for custody. He has never paid child support. Do you think it would be real easy for me to get full custody with no visitation?

[EIFS EXPERT]

Maybe move to another state first. Your ex has the right to see his child if he won't hurt him. You should have thought about that before you got pregnant with him. But I know people make mistakes. You don't want to do anything that will confuse the child in 3-4 years. I understand your husbands frustration though.

[excon]

Hello stressed:

I think it's pretty simple. Tell your ex that if he doesn't give up his rights, you'll hold him to his obligation to pay child support. The only way he can get out of that is to give up his rights. Tell him you want him to pay ALL back support too.

It's time to play hardball. This is serious stuff. I'd hire a lawyer to handle it for me.

excon

[twinkiedooter]

Since you were not married to him was his name on the birth certificate listing him as the father? If not, then you can tell him to go fly a kite. You, the mother, don't have to file for custody as the child is living with you so you have essentially full custody at this point. Your present husband will be able to adopt your child if the birth certificate dad's name is not his.

The advice from excon is excellent. I have seen that scenerio work especially when guys don't want to part with their money. He did not figure in the child support costing him money factor thinking that one thing and the other were interconnected which they are not.

[stressed122]

That's the thing. My ex was there when my son was born and he is on the birth certificate. We were together until my son was about 12 months old. I kept thinking he was going to change, but I was wrong. I was working, going to college, and supporting my son all by myself while he was with his buddies getting drunk and high. Love is blind.

[EIFS EXPERT]

He was just being a kid. He was too young to have children. Don't give up on him to man up. He will one day. Remember that most people in the world don't grow up and know what they want out of life until they turn 30. I'm not suggesting you do nothing until then, just to understand that you are both still kids.

[excon]

Hello again, stressed:

I don't disagree with EIFS, at all.

I DO think you need to prioritize things, however. From what I gather, you want your husband to adopt your son, first and foremost. Given what you've told us, I think it's a good plan. My suggestion might get things rolling in that direction.

I do NOT think you should cut the father out of the equation, though. I would offer him liberal visitation. People change.

Why not? A kid can't have too many loving parents.

excon

[stressed122]

This is all so hard because I don't want to hurt anyone. I know that one day, my son will know that my husband is not his biological father. I am grateful that my husband loves my son as if he was his own and I don't want to hurt him. My ex's family misses my son, as my husband does not want me to have contact with them. I know he needs to understand that my son has another family and that it is not their fault my ex is irresponsible. I know that if we get involved with that family it's going to bring problems into my home, and I don't want that. We need to go to counseling... together.

[life1973happened]

Good evening stressed122...
I must disagree with most of the posts so far. Though I can appreciate your desire to distance yourself from a man with the brief background you shared with us, his is still your sons father. Just as mothers have rights to child support, fathers have rights to see and share in their child's life. They also have the right to protect those rights.

I also appreciate you wanting your husband, who sounds like a wonderful man, adopt your son. However, just because you want it to be does not mean that it happens in that manner. But really why would you? Think about what it is that you are really trying to do? Take away his rights because now you are married, happy and do not want to be reminded of him or the past you had with him? That's not only unfair but a bit selfish. You were with this man long enough to meet, date, have a child and raise that child until he was a year old. Now he is no good and deserves to lose all rights because of his past or present situation?

You have a right to file for child support and very well might even get back dated child support. In return he has the right to keep his right to his son and all that it entails. Also my children's father had to sign a couple of forms when I filed for my kids passport. It's required now to protect all children. It protects parents from taking kids out of this country without both parents permission. If the shoe was on the other foot you would look at the new law as benefit. Read the papers and look at the stories in which a parent lost their child becomes they were taken across one of our borders by the other parent because nothing was put in place to prevent that.

One last thing I hope you think about; your son will grow up and love your husband for being the father he didn't need to be. He will not look at you or him and feel as if he suffered because your husband did not, or could not adopt him. He will however, grow up and come to a point in his life in which he will be able to put both fathers in a different place in his heart. Don't give your son an opportunity to dislike you or feel you took away his right to his father, because of the past. Show him the opposite by showing his forgiveness and compassion. I know that's hard but do it for your son. Give him the opportunity to form his own opinion.

If your sons father is like you say, he will show that in due time. But give him a chance or chances to be the father he is. Fathers all across this country have the same rights mothers do but often they get overlooked. Doing the right thing is not always easy. But in a case like this if doing the right thing also teaches your son huge life lessons, isn't that the best action of all?

I will never forget this poem I read that I posted below for you to read. Remember that what we teach our children so often is done when we think they are not looking.

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking
You hung my first painting on the refrigerator
And I wanted to paint another.

When you thought I wasn't looking
You fed a stray cat
And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking
You baked a birthday cake just for me
And I knew that little things were special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking
You said a prayer
And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking
You kissed me good-night
And I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking
I saw tears come from your eyes
And I learned that sometimes things hurt --
But that it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking
You smiled
And it made me want to look that pretty too.

When you thought I wasn't looking
You cared
And I wanted to be everything I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking --
I looked...
And wanted to say thanks
For all those things you did
When you thought I wasn't looking.


Good luck with whatever you decide...

[talaniman]

I see your actions are to the benefit of the child and excon is so right, as the real father has done nothing so far and its only right if he wants to be a father he would have been, and can still be when he gets his act together. See a lawyer, and put the full court pressure on, and don't let you and your son suffer for his dad being a young fool. He may change, he may not, that's his concern, not yours. The only thing I take issue to, is the child not being in touch with his own blood. He may be to young now, but the sooner he knows the truth the better, but only you know when he can handle the truth. I'm all for fathers rights, but they have to act like fathers, or get kicked to the curb, just me. I wish you luck.

[dunno]

I agree totally with LifeHAppened. My boyfriend didn't see his daughter for about 4 years of her life. Part of it was his fault and part of it was the mother's. (both my BF and the mother were in jail) The mother would not cooperate a lot of the time and my boyfriend just didn't try hard enough. The two of them had so much hate for each other, they didn't see how much they were hurting their daughter.

But now my BF has stepped up and grown up A lot. His daughter had only known one man as her dad and it wasn't my boyfriend. It was her step dad. My BF was out of her life by the time she was less than 2 years old. SHe is now 7. My boyfriend is a WONDERFUL father now. Yes, he screwed up in the past. ANd he has definitely paid for those mistakes. But now his daughter is in his life and he's trying his best to make up for lost time. His daughter doesn't even call him dad. She calls her step dad "daddy" though.

His daughter is in counseling twice a week to deal with all of this. This is hard for her. She loves my BF now. She knows he's her real dad but she's not ready to call him "dad". It's been hard to watch her struggle with this.

Through all of this, my BF's family suffered too. They never got to see their granddaughter, niece and cousin. This christmas was the first christmas BF's daughter spent with her grandparents and aunt since she was 2. It's not fair that the relative got punished for my BF's actions or his ex's.

It sounds like you know what the right thing to do is. I urge you to give this guy another chance to step up and be a father. Your son won't love your husband any less. But he has the right to know his real father too and form a relationship with him.

Good luck and keep us posted!