[Chery]

I was just checking in. Chery, it was so gracious of you to share so much of your thoughts and feelings. Jmiller33, you and your mother are still on my mind. This time in life is so difficult for both sides. My sis-n-law is struggling also with cancer and still has young grandchildren. We do all try to hold strong in front of each other but our hearts break when we return home or to our normal actiivities. Just wanting you to know I will be asking God to give each of you provision of strength, energy for each day, peace in your hearts.

My personal thanks for your best wishes for strength, energy and peace, dear.

Passing away is a reality - but most of us hope it happens fast and painless. But then those that stay behind regret that they did not have the time to say goodbye.
On the other side of the coin, knowing that you have a short time to say and do the things that need to be done, and some that you want to do, help those of us who are fated - but hurts those who have to live with the fact and watch it happen.
I wish there were a way in the middle, but in all actuality - once we are born - we are fated to pass away at some time - so it is reality - not one we like to think about, but reality nonetheless.
I for one, am glad and sad, angry and happy - all depending on how I feel and perceive the situation at the moment.
One thing I know for certain - life goes on - with or without our bodies - and the main reason is because of those we love and leave behind - so please help our passing with fond memories, lots of love while we are still here, and a better understanding of our human failures at times, just as we understand and love those of you who still have to endure and preserve our legacy. Above all else, help us keep our dignity - which is every human's right.

Sorry for being so maudling at this time, but that is also part and parcel of being a human being - and that's what we all are.

Share your feelings - good or bad - with someone you trust and never ever think you can go through this alone because I promise you that that will not help either concered. And by all means, don't spare on the hugs and endearments - even tears.. because they are all important.

Too bad that it is times like this that make us seriously think of how we want to be remembered and that a lot of us don't get that chance.

Don't know what else to say right now but... Can't wait for the pain to finally be gone forever!

Love,
Chery

[sissyW]

jmiller33

I lost two very special people in my life in the last three years. Both were very sudden and unexpected deaths. I lost my 24 year old niece in a car accident in March of 2004 and my 45 year old brother just last April. He had a blood clot that came loose and stopped his heart instantly. Death is never easy and I try really hard to remember the goods times that I shared with both of them. I just want to tell you to cherish every moment of whatever time your mother has left. None of us knows when our time to go will come and we should live each day as though it is our last. I don't know if knowing that either one of them was going to die would have made it any easier to accept their deaths or not, probably not. Just make the most of whatever time you do have left with your mother, make some cherished memories, and always remember the good times. I think that is the best way to honor someone's memory.

[cal823]

Heya, I don't know much about cancer, and I don't really understand what it is to go through something like that, but firstly, let me say how awed I am at the responses of these wonderful people to your question.
Please, do not let her illness dominate you and her life, please, it is easy to let illness or death become the defining part of the way you see a person, which should not be, remember, she has lived 64 years, and the time you have, and still have, with her is far more important, and should be focused on, instead of the time you will not. Please, make the most of it, and remember, you, and her, are both capable of rising above this, and making the most of this precious time. It is not your predicament in life that defines you as a person, but your attitude and how you react and endure what life throws at you. I lost my grandfather before I could get to know him, when he died while white water rafting, a year or two after we had moved to western australia to be with him and my grandmother, so sometimes I feel kind of bad that I didn't have much time with him. But I have realised, instead of lamenting the time lost, I should celebrate and treasure the time I had. Remember, as long as someone is alive, they can truly feel alive, as long as the people they love still support them, and aslong as they soldier on, and try to enjoy what time is left. Again, it is what you do with your time that matters, not how much time you have to waste. We often waste so much time, which is a tragedy, because some have so little of that precious resource to waste before the end.
Now is the time, for you to be at your strongest, you must, for your sake, and the sake of your mother, help her and be with her in this time, and help her to make her last time, the time of her life, with the loving care and support of family, she will go with fewer regrets, and so will you and your family. Sorry if I rambled a bit, I hope you understood what I'm trying to say, and I hope it helps in some small way, I'm not very good at this stuff unfortunately.
Remember, no matter what life throws at you, no matter what tests and trials you have to endure, you can always overcome it, because you are a wonderful person, and you were born for many very special and unique reasons, and you can overcome anything, if you hold your head high, keep your shoulders and back straight, and never give up, because you only fail, if you give up.
I will keep you, your family and your mother in my prayers, and if you need to talk, pm me, or contact me on messenger, I am always willing to listen.
Good luck, and remember, love overcomes all boundaries, even death.

[grammadidi]

jmiller33: How are things going? Do you have the supports you need to get through this?

Hugs, Didi

[and24]

Well at least you got that long, and you get a chance to say goodbye. I'm 24 and my mom was also my rock, my best friend, my children's favorite person, and my everything. She took her own life 2 weeks ago, at the young age of 49 and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with it. I know I sound bitter, but seriously, you're in your forties. You had like twice as long as I did to be with your mom, learn from her, and love her. It could be worse.

[ordinaryguy]

Well at least you got that long, and you get a chance to say goodbye. I'm 24 and my mom was also my rock, my best friend, my children's favorite person, and my everything. She took her own life 2 weeks ago, at the young age of 49 and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with it. I know I sound bitter, but seriously, you're in your forties. You had like twice as long as I did to be with your mom, learn from her, and love her. It could be worse.

Oh my, that is just so sad. My heart goes out to you. I know it doesn't help much at this early stage, but in time you can to learn to live with it. But you will never get over it. You have a long, hard road of grief ahead of you, and there is no way to avoid walking it. Don't try to walk it without help. I know, "help" is hard to define, but if you're open to receive it, it will come to you in unexpected ways and times. I envision you surrounded by light, blessed and comforted.

[Chery]

Well at least you got that long, and you get a chance to say goodbye. I'm 24 and my mom was also my rock, my best friend, my children's favorite person, and my everything. She took her own life 2 weeks ago, at the young age of 49 and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with it. I know I sound bitter, but seriously, you're in your forties. You had like twice as long as I did to be with your mom, learn from her, and love her. It could be worse.

I am so sorry for your loss and feel that you should post your own thread and tell us the circumstances and how you feel about it all - so that we can concentrate on your issue.

All I know is that there are many reasons for sane adults to all of a sudden make a choice to leave this world - for whatever reason, I'm sure your Mom considered her alternatives and the turmoil it would cause those she left behind. Therefore, I'm also sure that if you were close, she communicated her frustrations and confusion to you at some point. You see this from your viewpoint, but talk to us and maybe I can help you see how she saw her life and why she decided it was not of the quality she wanted. You can also PM me if you don't feel you can make it that public yet.

If you don't want to go the therapy route, you can start a journal of your own to document the good memories of your mom and it will help you perhaps reduce your anger at her for leaving you. She must have had a reason and loved you all so much that she did not want to burden you. Let us help you with your anger..


Hope to hear from you soon, dear.

[mepk5]

I think you should spend as much time as possible w/ her.
Most importantly when the time come.. . Tell her how much you love her. How much you will miss her but you have to try to go on living. That was so comforting to me. Letting Dad, Grandma, know how much they meant to me before they left was a key ingredient for me. Oh & I sung or hummed their favorite tunes in their ear. I also told them I understood they were tired or in pain. & I love them enough to let them go so they wouldn't
Be in pain any longer. I also explained I knew they wanted to see their family on the other side. TRANSLATION: SAY EVERYTHING You are feeling now! U will regret it if you don't .

[amermonstarsgir]

I really feel for you and your family. My sister and two kids lost her husband and their father in a horrible car accident in June. Its so unfair especially for the children like my nieces 12 and 7 who lost their dad and you who are going through this aweful time with your mom. My sister asked me why this happened to them and I didn't have an answer. A preacher told her that its an aweful thing that happened but God had other bigger plans for Chris her husband and that we would be selfish to keep him here with us. I don't know why things like this happen I don't know if it's a bigger better plan or not but regardless its not fair but we can't change it. We just need to enjoy the time that we have with our loved ones and let them know that we love them.

[In Sorrow]

Dear Jmiller I am deeply sorrow about your moms illness. This is horrible. I am 47 years old and I just lost my mother, I still cannot stop crying. Like your mother she was very strong and healthy up until the age of 80 years old when she was diagnoised with Failing kidneys and needed to go on Dailysis 3 times a week. 2 years after her dialysis she lost her mobility to walk, was taken away from her home, and not brought home to us again. Eventually she developed Gangerne needed her leg amputated, then one week later she died in the ICU ward. I saw her the day she died, when she was still alive her hands were ice cold, and so were her arms, but her face was still warm, well I just lost it, I started to cry and could not stop, I knew mom was going, my worst fear. Now my life is a total wreck, it will never be the same. The hardest thing to face and accept is the Death of your mom as she is part of you, and when she dies she takes a big piece of us to the grave with her, and leaves the rest to mourn and pine away, and actually I fear my own death even more, as I see when we get older we usually die from a terminal illness.

Anyway my prayers are with you, as this is going to be a long hard road to walk, as I walked with my mom for the past 4 years as I watched her die, and now my life is destroyed because of it. I am sorry again, but I can feel your pain, as I have just been though it.

[Chery]

Dear In Sorrow, this is directed mainly at you, but important for all...

I too am terminal and the only thing that keeps me going is spending time with my loved ones, sharing good moments with them when I have enough energy. Showing my two-year-old grandson how to blow bubbles, throw a ball, play games and do many more things to see his smile and hear his giggles. And to see the look in my daughter's eyes when we are having fun together. You see, he will have the ever-lasting impression of his grandma when he hears a song we sing to a lot, or a game we play, or places that he's been with for the first time - with his grandma. So that, even when I'm gone, they will always have their fond memories of the time we had. This is my goal - to share my last months in the warmth of my family and also leave fond memories of love instilled in them.

You said that your life is a mess now. Do you really think this would have been your mother's goal? I honestly doubt it. You mother is no longer in agony or pain, she is free of the restrictions her body placed on her - she's FREE now, dear. And I am sure she would turn over in her grave if her goal of wanting you to keep on and seek happiness is lost due to something she had absolutely no control over.

My daughter does not like the idea of my leaving this planet either, she loves me and probably wishes that I could magically be cured and stay with her and her son forever - but she is also realistic enough to know that this is not humanly possible. And she also know that I am sick and tired of constant pain, bodily restrictions and that I cannot wait to be free of the earthly pain and misery - not to mention that we all still need our DIGNITY - let us have it please! I made her promise never to dwell on what is happening to me now.. she promised to remember the good times we had for as long as we had it - that's what counts.

All I can tell you from my personal feelings, is that when we 'go' we want to be remembered, but we don't want those we have raised and loved to suffer just because our bodies gave up. Our spirits DON'T give up, and we (I) still see you and feel joy when you feel it, and also feel your pain when you feel it, enjoy 'our' song when you hear it... that's the kind of memory that we mothers want for our children and other loved ones.

So, personally, I think it would be selfish and counterproductive to give up your life and your goals just because of normal human frailty and fatality. Please don't do that to yourself - and especially, don't 'blame' your mother for the changes you are going through that she has absolutely no control in helping you recover and change.

Remember the love, the good times, and strive to remember how she handled hard situations and what she would suggest you do when you are thinking of the future 'doom' in your life from now on. Talk to her, ask her what she would suggest you do, and I am sure that she would never, ever, suggest that you give up. So, now I'm asking you, for your mother's sake, don't stop living and reaching the goals she would have supported you with if she were still here.

All we want is for our loved ones to finally be glad that we no longer have to suffer and can finally be FREE and enjoy a new and spiritual existence. Please celebrate that with us like many do in Scotland, Ireland, China and other countries - it's part of being human and starts the minute we are conceived..



Your mother didn't give up... and I'm positive that she would be very,very sad if you gave up- it's not your turn... You still have too much to do for your happiness, so get up and do what she would have expected from you.

[ordinaryguy]

All I can tell you from my personal feelings, is that when we 'go' we want to be remembered, but we don't want those we have raised and loved to suffer just because our bodies gave up. Our spirits DON'T give up

Dear, dear Chery, you have already donned your spiritual body and are performing a mighty ministry of love and acceptance. Anybody who ever doubted that the death of the physical body can bring blessings into the material realm should read your many posts like this one. You're a shining star!

[matthrawlinson]

Well I'm very sorry to hear this. I can't offer much help . I am 15 my mom died 26/12/07 I have just passed the 1 year mark.. I would like to help if you want.. get in touch

[shonee]

Yep its tough ah. And its going to get tougher,but are you going to waste the time you have now to spend with her not doing all the things that you have time to do because you are already griefstricken?my brother had 2 1/2 years from diagnosis and he just wanted to be treated the same as before his diagnosis. Life is short we all have our own lengths of time on this earth allotted to us and we are here to live it . Love your mum ,enjoy your mum give her this time to fit in your lifetime of love for her.I don't envy you I have been down this rd more than once. I would never wish it on anybody and I don't know you as a person or how you deal with lifes low balls I only hope you take in a bit of what I say and that it can help you.your mum sounds like a pretty neat lady to have so much love from her son.as kids we tend to need our parents to be strong for us so now its your turn to be strong for her and help her through this but remember she at this point in time is alive so enjoy that fact and don't let your grief of the thought ruin your pleasure of the moment. Good luck.and also remember that you are in this yucky position now ,there have been others before you and there will be others after you so one day you can lend a stranger support

[csaved]

Dear Friend, I am 43 yrs old. My mother passed away on jan 4, 2007. Your bad news about your mom came on my birthday. Jan 9. I can go into details of how my mom died and all what she been through before she died. She was 64 yrs old. Now it has been 2 yrs. And how I have lived through this time is beyond me. I found out that I have to live wtihout her. I can't wish her back, I can't make God give her back and I have to keep telling myself that if she did come back. SHE WOULD BE SICK AS SHE IS NOW. And I would not want her that way. I want her to be happy joy joy in heaven and my friend I know without a doubt that is where she is at because of all what has gone on since her passing. I have no doubt in my mind, heart, soul or body that she is in a better place. Oh the pain I feel today is like she died a few minutes ago. I don't think the pain ever leaves but I don't cry everyday like I did. So is it better in a ways yes. It is just a life now that you have to go on and make her proud. Spend every minute of the day with her as much as you can. I remember standing next to her icu bed holding her hand. Trying to keep the memory of her in hand in mine trying to pray that I will never forget the feel of it. I think about the memories I can take with me and hold and it will be OK. But after she passed away. It hits me in the face that there is a difference now. The memories is all I have. But but, but, my friend. I will see her again. I will get to be with her again and never ever have to say good bye. I am so glad That Jesus made a way for all of us to come together one day and never ever have to say good bye. LOVE your mom the best you can. Make her smile. Let her know you will be OK. Write to me if you ever need to [email protected]. My name is sandy. Hugs.

[misssluvly]

We need to be strong in every faces of life. We need to accept everything... because it happens for a reason.Life is just like a fog that can easily disappear when sunset comes. Just be strong with prayer to God he is our defender through sorrow and pain he will ease us.